Thursday, December 30, 2010

it's been a pleasure

been reading all my 77 entries... time flies, and we do know that. and having this blod, re-reading them again as the year comes to its end agrees with me that time shoot off.... before noticing it, am writing a farewell 2010 and welcome 2011.

nope, i don't intend to summarized the whole 2010 and no intention in listing 2011 resolution. i'm suck in summarizing things as i will write every single details of it, and i'm horrible in creating 'real' resolution and religiously follow through.

somehow, 2010 has been a blessing. it has. as there were pains and sufferings, i was blessed with great news and happiness too. sweet memories treasured, horrible terrible news buried. shuting off from those evil hearted people, bonding stronger with those who stayed next to us for the worst. struggling, be it or not, to let the boys bloom and groom, and never fail to smile just thinking about them.  it has been a blessing. alhamdullilah.

as for the coming year, am not sure the challanges would be lesser, the sadness would go away, the weight not getting any lighter, the burden would just vanished... but, for sure, joyous instances will be there too, proud moments are waiting, great achievements are not so beyond reach... we will do fine, as long as we remember to live life truthfully. 

significantly,for me; aimar is going to school; we are moving to that new house; i hope my hubby could get a job nearer to the family; if ada rezeki, it would be fantastic to have some dash of pinks on the kids wardrobe.. and i pray for my sis to have a kid too.. insyallah.

geng, have a wonderful 2011..xoxoxoxoxo..mmmuuaahhhssss    


they loss and they won

it was another boring entry to those who are not into sport...but am not into sport too.. am so lame in sport.. but still, it was something that i must jot down, so that i could refer back to this entry in the next fourteen years.... ok, that's a very cynical of me!

the harimau malaya did it ... after fourteen years.. they've made us proud. you don't have to be a sportman to appreciate that.

it was a moment that i wanted to repeat over and over and over again. just wished i could be in the stadium to cheer. we still cheer and loss our voice though. we were screaming at the top of our lungs, our palms were red from clappings, my head was thumping as if the migraine was about to attacked.. the nervousness, the excitements, the frustrations, the moments..we were estactic.. the adults, i mean.. my two boys were bored to death. they couldn't watch the cartoon, the adults were screaming like nobody's business, they were hungy and mama said they have to wait for another ninety minutes... but again, it was joyous moment. i remembered having fun watching Thomas Cup back in the 90s. and yesterday was fun. i bet the neighbours could have heard us, or they also were screaming at the top of their lungs.

i was not a hardcore malaysian fan. but sport can always unite us. different races, sex, age, background... when it comes to sport and the team you put your bet on, it will always unite us.

the game was beautiful. yup, it started all wrong. after the laser incident in bukit jalil, and harimau malaya scored 3-0 to bring to stadium bung karno, the indonesian been threatening us, malaysian. the harimau malaya end up with practicing in the hotel as they fear of their security. the malaysian reporters were advised not to wear yellow shirts. and as the game started, we could hardly hear the Negaraku were played as the noise at the stadium were unbelievable. there was no sultan or the PM watching the team at the stadium (and i personally agreed with that, to show our 'boycott' of the indonesian supporters). i doubt that there were any malaysian on the bench, except the players.. the malaysian embassy in indonesia had a big flat screen for malaysians to enjoy the game. 

it was not a healthy scenario for the harimau malaya.. they were nobody to support them, but they were mentally strong. they knew, they might not be 70,000 supporters in the stadium, but there were 27millions malaysians supporting them in their mind. 

they played hard. these youngsters... they are young. they are not the number one team. they were there by default. and they proved to the world. and they showed us, they played for the nation. never have i been prouder. 

i love watching them. the opponents were tough. and worst still, the ref sucks. we knew it it's gonna be hard for the harimau malaya when we saw that australian ref. the first fifteen minutes, the indonesian team was given a penalty kick. blardy bugger. it was bad. it was not good for the team. if indonesian scored the first goal, they will gain more confident, and the team morale might be down. but they failed!yup, firman, the so-called most valued player (and it should be given to fahmi la wei!) failed miserably. in fact, shebby was right to say that firman look so ashamed to be awarded such title. somehow, my favourite shahrul kicked hard ball, and safee managed to score the first and only goal. the first indonesian goal was because our defence were not there to assist fahmi, and their second goal, purely 'typo' error... but to think of it, if muslim didn't accidentally give the score to the indonesian, i bet the supporter would have gone mad. so, win to the indonesian but the AFF is ours with 4-2 aggregates. 

and out of sudden, fahmi, safee, syahrul, muslim, safiq, amri, and others are familiar faces to me. and i knew offside and what's not. and, o, as kak ita said it, we must be thankful to that gonzalez guy - the so-called hero for the indonesian.. whenever the ball touch his foot, he managed to kick it hard to make it offside... hahahaha..kudos to him!

the PM annouced public holiday on friday. it was a great to end 2010... and may i congratulate the whole team, especially that khairul fahmi, the hardworkin keeper who never stop eyeing for the ball....


Monday, December 27, 2010

harimau malaya

after a good long weekend, who really 'works' on monday morning.. it's not the monday blues, it's everyday blues.

i'm not a sport person..never have i been. i may consider myself an active person. i joined all the 'fun' activities in school. i represented the school for quizzess and so forth. i was the president of the club, the secretary of the society. those were my yesteryears. my passion with social activites stopped when i was in that boarding school.. when there's so many 'potential' leaders in the same school, i knew when my service as a leader was needed or not. anyway, no matter how actives i was, sport was never on the plate, never my cup of tea. i was the vice president as the school sports' team not because i was good, i just good of being a leader. i was in the school hockey team not because i was good, i just happened to be there to fill up the reserved seats. and i was fine with all. sports was never my passion. 

not like my mum and my sis, who was the 100m sprinter and the olahragawati up to the states' level. not like my cousin who manage the office futsal team. not like my hubby who is very good when he holds that hocket stick and dribble away the ball. not like everybody else in my family. sports was not my in thing.

somehow, when it comes to malaysian' team on the live telecast, i'm in too. perhaps, the mood surrounding. my whole family will be in front of that box, abandoning dinner and the kids, waiting for the malaysian team to score, strike gold. 

yesterday is one of the many occasions. those fresh meats of malaysians against that pschycotic indonesians. the glorious of football team in malaysia has long gone as far as i could remember. i remembered when the kl team was so good, and as all my family were supporting selangor, my aunt and i would be the odd one who was so loyal supporting the kl team. but those era has long gone. malaysian football, no offense, suck big time. it's like watching the kindergarden kids fighting over balls.. that's how they played all this while.. but yesterday was great. i must compliment them. again, i may not be the best comentator as it took my hubby six years to explain to me what offside is.. and i still don't understand why they have that rule in football. but today, i woke up with good feelings as malaysia won 3-0. the game was good. that shahrul guy, who saved the ball and help with the first score that burnt the whole team energy to max, must receive datukship. safee was ok as usual, but i guess, shahrul should get the compliment.. a newly-wed, he really have shown good spirit on last night's game. and of course, that young 21-yo keeper, fahmi. he did a job well done. he's been taking care of that post since the semi-final games with vietnam, and he did it well. kudos to him. of course, football is a team effort. the whole harimau malaya team did great last night. they impressed me, a non-sport passive supporter. they played all out, and they played hard and well. congratulation to them. 

i guess, that is how sports should be played. the team really shown that they played for the nation, not for the rewards. they really can unite the whole nation. 

and to add sweeter revenge on that, they beat the everlasting traditional 'enemy' of ours. no hard feeling markus ya, but, it just made us feel good to beat your team... 

of course, it was sad on the laser light incident. it shouldn't be. but somehow, though the malaysian team was not playing, the same issue is faced in this part of the world. the mentality need to be brush up. but of course, that players should be at fault for that. it's beyond their control. 

anyway, am not gonna blabbering about sports - i know, when i read back, it wasn't a great piece of blog post.. but for now, i just want to congratulate the team. they made us proud. let's pray for the win this coming wednesday,insyaallah. good luck guys.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

truth hurts

this ulcer is killing me.. they said it's either stress or lack of water..hmmmm

lunch was great - though unplanned one.still, it gave me this idea to blog.. been bogged down with work thing since morning, so, a litle break won't do any harm. after all, vetting the contract form is never a fun thing to do.

am not going to talk about lunch, but something that was splurt out from lin's mouth and backed by ija. i was different.. my appearance, my attitude, my remarks, my voice.. everything.. am a total stranger to them.. a stranger from the user.

gosh.. of all the fears, that would be top ten list i want to receive comment from my friends...

i hate the user. i used to think those bitches from the users are genuine bitches and i don't think i can cope. i know i can't. and i always thought i was not working with the user because never in a teeny weeny droplets of my blood i could be like one - the corporate bitch that talk sacarstically with that authoritive voice and with that head up walking style.. 

i know i can never be like that. but my friends denied it. 

i guess, God is Great.. i used to hate them, and now, without realizing, i am one of them...

but again, i'm blessed with good friends - do remind me if i once a while forgot where i belong to... but, that don't give the right for you to scrutinized my driving skill - though am sure Intan would be the queen when it comes to driving :)

love y'all..mmuuaahhhsss    

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

my superheroes

been a while since i last wrote about the boys update - time mood tengah not so good ni, the thoughts of those two boys of mine always bring the sunshine in my heart..

just spoke to them on the phone.. how time flies - months ago, i could hardly understand aimar's words.. and today he told me "okay la mama, aimar nak main game dekat laptop, mama pergi la buat work mama"... loud and clear, and i should be able to take the instruction - no arguments.

they have grow so fast. in a blink of eye, aimar has now potty trained - though once and seldom, he had little incidents before he could manage to reach the toilet, i'm still proud of his achievements! nope, he's not like his abang. the day i told aidan that he needed to be potty train so that he could go to school, aidan succeed with flying colours. never have i remembered he failed to do so, and till today, i am still impressed with that boy. somehow, aimar did not. i needed to change the sheets, i needed to change his underwear after five minutes he was using it. but it's no trouble.

aimar is all prepared to go to school next year. he looked forward to that time, but i'm still skeptical about it. he has short attention span, and he might throw tantrums when he hates things! he might be an eager beaver one day, and the next day decided that school is no playground. so, i'm not going to comment much about the school, though i am excited and looking forward to day his first day of school..... 

he still a good eater. he still whines and cries at split seconds. he still manje, very manje that everybody keeps reminding me that i should spoilt him less. i don't think i spoilt him much..but he always a what he did last night.. it was late, both myself and abang were on the bed, and nenek wanted to go to bed while he still insisted on watching the cartoon network. nenek told him nenek wanted to sleep. he went straight to nenek's room, get that huge thick blanket of nenek's and gave to nenek, and he told nenek to sleep at the family hall while he watched cartoons...

as for abg dan - he's the patience one if to compare with adik..but i don't think he has so much passion in anything except TV.. are all five-yo-boys like that? or is it only aidan? yesterday, as we were discussing about who will take care of aimar when he's at school next year.. we came to the subject who will wash aimar after he done his business in the toilet. i knew his face changed at an instance. he paused and took five to ten minutes to answer me "i will wash adik...but mama, there's no sabun in the school toilet".... i don't about other mothers, but me, listening to his answer, was a blessing moment.. he hesitated to do what he thinks he supposed to do, but he vocally admitted he will do what he supposed to do.. ... of course, i don't expect him to take up the task. i will surely ask the teacher to assist. but i am so proud of my elder son. 

he grows up fast too. last month, for the first time, i saw him dancing to the jingli nona song, singing the rasa sayang song, parading the ibanese costume.. he totally impressed me on that very stage, performing at the school's concert. of course he was shocked and shy. his teaches had to push him back to the stage as he moved slowly towards behing the curtain while dancing.. but, i saw my boy growing up.. he counted the steps, he memorized the lyrics, he is no longer three years old aidan.. 

talking about aidan, i must mentioned about his exam.. i pushed him hard during the revision weeks. yet, his exam results went beyond my expectations. i knew, we knew and he knew he can do better than what he did. he was just out of focus. i did go through all the questions with him, and yes, he proved me wrong. he could answer most of the questions correctly, yet, he failed to do so on the exam itself.

anyway, my friends told me "he's only five", i guess better luck next year.

whatever will be will be, i'm so bless to have them to cheer me up whenever wherever. love you boys..mmmuuaahhhsss    

your wish is my command

at points me writing this post, am not in a sane state of mind, am just pissed

fairness doesn't come hand in hand with power and authority. at least, that's what i think, and i have all the rights in myself to think such ways. sad but true facts!

a boss can just wrote a single line email ordering you to attend a discussion that started five minutes after you saw the email - and it was an urgent meeting with the management.

a mother can overuled an agreement that she had approved prior to her kids' request and when asked why is it so, she can just say 'because i'm your mother and i know what's best for you'

a best friend can just screw the dinner plan that you both been planning, just because she told you that her son was not well, and just have to 'buy' that reason - yup, you may not being fair for doubting the last minute cancellation, and maybe, maybe, maybe you are right.. but, what can you do? she has all the rights in her world to screw you up to the eleventh hour.

a husband can give you approval to do what you want to do as long as it doesn't goes beyond the boundary of you being a wife, and somehow, he can also sacarstically ask you 'you sure you want to do what you want to do' - with that authoritive voice of his!

a brother can just grab the key of your husband's car, without asking for permission, and took away the car off to miles away from home, leaving you wondering and trying hard to convince the logical reason to give to your hub.

a colleague who is few years senior can just keep everything to herself, and waited up to the eleventh hour to tell that she has the sample of the paper  you were looking for (since last month!)

a sister-in-law can just ask you to take leave so that you can come and visit her as her kids were missing your kids, obviously nobody cares about you la kan.

talking about fairness? huh, in your dreams.. you might not even noticed that, but once a while, that authoritive voices are yours too.when that authoritive voices were out, you just can't say no.. because they said so. you just have to bow and like the genie prompted "your wish is my command, your highness".



i miss him..gosh.. i might have bored those loyal readers of mine, which am sure that ninety percent of them happened to be my bffs.. still....

i do miss him. i can't get in touch with him. the server was down, am guessing. no email, no phone calls.. been refreshing the desktop every half hour, been checking the phone to ensure the line is fine.. and yet, still no news from him..

waiting is never been good


Friday, December 17, 2010

shame on you

i have 'manners' issue... at least that's how it was implied to me.

i gave my seats the eldely and pregnant ladies. i hold the doors for the person behind. i queued without complaints. i asked things politely. i say thank you, excuse me and apologize if i was at fault. and i teach my boys to behave in good manners.. 

and my mistake was not to address a person properly. a person who i occasionally have spoken to and bumped into once or twice. a person who i knew younger than me. just because she holds higher post (maybe), i need to call her 'cik'. and sadly, she never complaint (not as i know) when i don't address her properly..but somebody else did. somebody who might have intention to teach me manners..but somehow, the way she address it to me with no manners.. at least that's how i felt. 

i blame my years in UK. i stop calling people kak or abang or puan or cik or tuan or sir or whatever. i even called our principal by his first name.. Mr John - that sound sooooo wierd. 

somehow, i was reminded to address people 'politely'... how i was reminded? the rude way. as if i've done the biggest sin ever.. to that person, perhaps i did a sin, the biggest one. but then again, if i could, i would want to remind her, 'you might want to re-remind yourself good manners before you try to help people'.. the intention might be good, but means don't justify the ways!

anyway, welcome to the what they keep promoting  'mindset-change, everybody!'.. if the leaders could hardly define that, i doubt that the followers would even bother. 

it's a sad racist remarks, but i must say that, if i'm a eurasion, i will get away with this easily and nobody will be offended and i was not considered as manner-less.. too bad, i came from a different clan!

but i did put "Dear .....,"  
and please drop the Puan.. i don't mind with just 'Ain'..

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

and they said, 'it was puppy love'

'twas a silent night, boys were off with their aunts and first wives' club was on the box.

we, ladies, are suckers when it comes to compliment. history been told, mothers been reminding daughters over and over and over again, girlfriends been consoling their bffs not to listen to those guys' sweet talkings..but we suck big time! we still  never learn.. and we can't take all the blames!

coming from an all-girls's school to the co-ed boarding school, i didn't get used to having boys around easily. to make it more dramatic, the boys-dominations were too strong that we could hardly do lots of things, and i did miss the freedom when i was at junior high. i was not the popular one. i tend to secretly admires boys from distance, as most of them were forbidden ones - either they were going out with others or they were admiring other girls. but of course, i was not that bad-looking. i may look not as classy as now, but i still have few admirers too. apparently, when i first heard the three letter word, though i could hardly understand the meaning at that point of time, i got goosebumped. to make it worst, i had to say no as the whole world (our world) knew that my good friend was madly in love with him. it was taboo to like him back, though, deep inside, i did. then, they was these two guys, who never directly confessed to me, but their actions made me blushed. the wooing sound everytime i passed, though somewhat annoying, did boost up my confidence. the secret notes on the tables wishing me a good day. those small remarks, may not be significant, but, as a girl, i was swooshed away. then, there was this boy across the class who he never stop staring at me. and after months of staring, he finally had the guts to tell me that he liked me. well, it lasted for a while until i decided to broke his heart..

then, there was college. i was a loyal girlfriend. i left my heart to this boy (who at point of writing this, i keep wishing he was dead, and i was not sorry) back in kl. i was miles away from home. i was young and restless. of course, i was not the popular one. i cried so hard as i missed my boyfriend back then. i saved money just to spend on long-distance calls. but, through out the times, there were attempts by others too. a five year senior who wrote me a long letter telling me how he was smitten by me (and i had to look up in the dictionary what smitten meant). there was also one time, when i was having my lunch at the msian student hall, a guy approached my table, handed me a piece of paper - his email add (sacarstically, at that time, the only email id i had was the general college add for public use). he was a bruneian, so i was an international preference, hahahaha. we were actually 'there', visible to the boys - we might be just a college students, but we knew whenever we went to those students' meets ups whatsoever, we were visible, though we had to try our hard not to notice that. 

next, the uni life. i was still a loyal girlfriend (to that bastard!). here was i, and there he was, miles apart. i must admitted i was so envious when my bff was swooshed away with flowers, nice gifts and perfumes.. i did asked her why didn't i get the same attention she got. she gave me a valid answer "tell me who in this world didn't know that you are attached..".. but of course, there were boys who still tried their ways in. i somehow let them, though i tried hard enough to stay loyal. i was loyal. but of course when other boys asked me out for quick snacks, movies and others, i sometimes said yes.

then i met him. my best friend, a boy, did mentioned his name several times.. way before we first met. this best friend of mine been trying to arrange for us to meet (not to hook us up, he just thought i should meet up with his best mate), and only after two years we actually met. it was brief, the first time we met. he knocked my house door, and i thought he's chinese. i never fancy a chinese-look guy, was not into oriental all this while.. and i was pretty sure it went the same to him. he's not so into this plain jane, i guess. it was definitely not love at the first sight. perhaps i was still hooked up to that bastard back home.. ok, i need to explain more about this bastard.. after five years being loyal to him, rejecting all the potential love calls, denying all his good friends (not mine, mind you) advices..only to found out he just couldn't stop cheating - it was like an addiction for him to spend times with girls, and he specifically told those girls he just want to have fun cause he knew he already has a good loyal future wife. that was a bastard, right? and i keep wishing he's dead, and still wishing, hard!

what i'm trying to say is that,we, ladies are suckers when it comes to compliments. a guy serenades us a song, it's heaven. a guy copy-paste nice romantic ode and email it to us, we could fly. a guy stands by the elevator with bouquet of red roses, we melt away, though that bouquet is not even for us. a guy turns around when passess us, we will try to walk steadily, though we could hardly control our beauty ego. a guy says he's sorry, we said it's ok if he promise not to do it again. a guy, just look at us deeply, we strongly believe he loves us.

guys know that fact. some may use it to their advantages. by all means, it is beyond our control... no matter how cautious we are, no matter how vigilant we try to be.. there will always be a teeny tiny weeny place in that big heart of us will be touched - no matter how much we've learned, we will still be a sore loser when it comes to love...and nothing wrong to lose, especially when the winner is the one and only truly love of ours... if and only if we knew that he's the one when he come knocking the first time. i guess i was one of the lucky ones.


Monday, December 6, 2010


before you are thinking of accusing me for being paranoid or a control freak, hear what i have to say .. once a while, when it's reaches the tea time and you are trying so hard to focus what's in the desktop, you tend to find a stimulant so that can make you stay awake..

i was sleepy, so, i browsed my hubby's fb profile.. there's nothing wrong of doing that, and i'm not  stalking him. as a wife, i'm obliged to do that. i've been doing that often, but, today, i discover one thing.. actually, i've discovered this earlier, but didn't make any comment on them.. my hubby just started to have his own fb way months later than i did. somehow, today, i realized that he has 25% more friends than i do.. and of all those in his friends' list, only 17% are mutually connected with both us, and am sure two third of that are families, cousins and siblings. i would want to count how may girls that are not mutually connected with me is in his list, but i guess that would brings us to nowhere.... not that i'm doubting him or anything.. after all, he told me himself not to be too complacent.. i need to keep myself updated with his networks.. men didn't talk, and when we found out something shocking, he would deny that he lied, but in fact he would say he just didn't tell us... and that is why most women will ask tonnes of questions, so that  the 'didn't tell' reason will be overruled. and men need to know, when we ask, not that we are trying to take charge or control over things, we just want to ensure we are in same page, and we won't be discovering things that may shocked us. and also, i do believe that God is great.. if i were to cheat, i'm sure my hubby will have the intention, men, if you are cheating your spouse, chances are your spouse might do the same thing too. 

ok, am not sure what and why i'm posting this - honestly, i'm just sooooo you think my hubby will put some privacy limitation on his fb access page after this?


at one instance the site was block, and today it wasn' might take this opportunity while i can. the bottom line is L.U.C.K


i could hardly sleep last night. he already left for work, though while writing this, he is still on transit. and somehow, with both the boys next to me, i still feel the bed is half empty. and as i woke up this morning, getting myself ready for work, i miss him.

you know, it's true when they say love hurts. i've been going through these routines for so many times. sending him off at the airport. hugging him tightly, getting all tears up. awkwardly driving back home with the boys - it was him who'll be doing all the chauffeuring when he's around. goes to bed, and waking up realizing he's not around. grabbing the iphone to check on the emails. the boys had their fight and ask mama to take some videos as evidence to send to aboh's inbox. and then, as the time up, he comes back. getting fairer and skinner as compared to previous trip. he's home, sorting things out, the bills, the home, the cars.. he sleeps, spends time with the boys and the wifey and occasionally meets up with his mates. and without realizing, it's time to send him off again...gosh, i love him so much and its hurts whenever he's not around.

you know, it's true when they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. even after one and half year, i still miss him when he's gone. i remember missing him when he was miles away at london and i was in kl. back then, we were madly deeply in love. and as i miss him now, i knew i still am madly deeply in love with this guy i married, and i thank God as i still can own that feeling. every single seconds, i just wish he's nearer, and i know all i want is him.

you know, it's true when they say don't take things for granted. we tend to be complacent on things only to realise we missed few little details in life. time spend is too limited, and we should cherish every moment possible. and even with twenty four hours a day, we still knew it was not enough. 

you know, it's true when the say if you love somebody, let him go. if he's yours, he'll come back.. and i know, every twenty eight days, he is singing happily coming back home, so that i can comfortably doze off on that muscular arm of his.

you know, true love does exist.. if you found one - tolerate, listen to each others' heart and trust. if you are still looking - it may take a while with few mr wrongs, but you'll get there someday. if you are not looking - not because you don't believe in true love, you just love yourself too much and nothing wrong with that..

Friday, November 26, 2010


and i thought the sunshine would last

darn! they forbade and as i yearn to write for quite somtime..i resorted with the mobile in my hand.

so, here i am. after two months, not much of an achievement conquered. to be fair, i might actually say 'nothing'.. the first three weeks, been busy reading manuals, dragging my feet to all meeting invitations that were non job-specific.. and the rest is history.

i'm damn bored that i could kill!

i just don't understand.. if they foreseen that the loads will only be in next few months, why bother hiring me now?.. of course i shouldn't be complaining.. higher pay, no work, free foods from the trainings and meetings, in liue leaves.. i should be the last person to complain..

somehow, waking up early to clock in, stays in the workstation for the rest eight hours, staring and hacking fb as other site been forbade by the mgt, and clock out on the dot..five.. repeatedly the routine for the months could really kill!

Friday, November 12, 2010

he has heart

a friend of whom i've lost touched since 1996 posted his wedding photos in his FB. i did went to check out his profile, just wanted to know what he's been up to since the last time we've met.

being himself, not so bad-looking, with perfect height and came from a well-off family (he was so damn rich that at the he can simply bought expensive gifts to his friends, and we were thinking how lucky his girlfriend was). he's a funny boy and smart too. he completed the list of almost perfect guy for us at that time, the teenager girls who just started to understand 'love'... 

he took advantages of what he had be blessed with. i guess that was why i was never attracted to him and we stick as good friends. he had so many so-called special girlfriends, and i was his advisor of what to buy and where to date and how to mend his girls' broken hearts. he's a player, the life-proof casanova. somehow, i must thank him as he taught me to differentiate between a truly real man from the fake ones.

anyway, as i've entered my uni life, we've lost touch. and last year, he added me in his FB friend's list. i didn't remember checking out his profile, and even left any message.. there was one time that he chatted me up as he knew i was leaving for Europe and he asked if he can meet up with me and me hubby in London. but then, our schedule were tight and i did not put any plan to meet up with him.

and today, i did checked out his profile.

this don juan de marco that i knew once is a changed person. he posted links related to religious views, he took pictures with religious icons in God-knows-where, he shout-outs full off religious advices... and i'm stunned, and log in to my blogger and posted this.

i was surprised, i do.. but i would say pleasingly surprise. and i do envy him in a way.. he was so 'horrible' with all the girls he knew, and yet today, God has open his heart to follow His lifestyle...God bless him with hidayah, and somehow, i do envy him.. of all the people, never crossed my mind that he would ever change to better, the way he is now - as portrayed in his FB profile. Alhamdullillah... and it makes me wonder.. i couldn't just stay and wait for the hidayah.. as my dear friend told me (in her blog), hidayah mesti dicari.

some point to ponder in this cold wet Friday morning...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

girls next door

who knows where we will land?

had a brief encounter with my long lost friend over lunch.. well, not really lost for so long, thanks to FB, but still, been a while since we met. we went to the same high school seventeen years ago and she's now with three kids. i wasn't part of her clan, and neither did she. our acquantainceship turn to friendship right after high school. physically, she changed a lot. she was plum, now slimmer. she was not so fair, now prettier. she was short, now taller. she really did change. 

and i happened to be on the same floor of my ex-schoolmate, but we were never a friend. on my round introducing myself as a new staff, she spotted me.. we went to the same secondary school.. and i couldn't recall. i was famous back then (chewah).. she was not as visible as compared to my clan back then. who would have thought, this happily married lady with two boys was once the person who went to the same school of mine. she may not be the vocal one, but she further her studies in the States, got a decent job with the Fortune 500, happily married and yes, she is much much slimmer and prettier too.... 

reflected back, i might be among the few students at school that people would recognise and remember.. the famous clan.. the one who will participated in all the events, the one who will volunteered for any activities, the one who represented the school to all the quizzess... the one who will get most dedications of flowers and teddies when it comes to Valentines... yup - i went to all-girls school. 

then, my life met these two girlfriends of mine. with marvel and admiration, i Thank God to let me have the chance to meet them in this life, now. everyone is the star of one's life. be it at the earlier or later stage in life, at times, we will once be the highlights of the peak and we will be there at the bottom of nowhere. it happens to everybody. let's keep reminding ourselves. 

p/s: ladies, nothing wrong to wanting to be pretty.       

the routine

the girlfriends...

- those married : how did you manage with the boys?
- those single, with partner: ala, kesian.. sure rindu jauh2..
- those single without partner: jom lepak, nanti when he come back, cannot lepak oredi..

the guys...
- you trust him?

my no1 bff is on his way back.. a more-than-24-hr-round-trip is not something that neither him nor myself look forward to. it's the end destination that matters.he's coming back after his (normally twenty eight days) long tiring rice-less shift. not much of an option for him, for now. he's the breadwinner, and i'm so good in spending that he needs to earn more than i can spend :) afterall, that is the rezeki that Allah gives to us for now, we are thankful for the blessings.

coping without him around is not so easy. and that is why i really salute all the single parents. you always need to have your significant other, if not fifty percent, maybe less, to complete the chores. send the kids to school, check their homeworks (and even they are only five, don't be surprised that their works pile a mount high up!), drop all meetings and discussions coz the school rings and your kids been vomitting since morning, do the laundry else no clean clothes for the weekend..and the list goes on and on and on... you need two to fulfill the chores, just as much when you've decided to bring a life in this world! lucky for me as i have my friends and families nearby who will defiitely extend their help. it was horrible when i was away from them few months ago.. nonetheless, having your spouse around 24-7 is definitely a go-go.. no doubt about it. hats off to the single parents!

they said, absence makes the heart grows fonder. i beg to rephrase - distance makes the heart grows fonder. yes, we fights when he's around and even when he's not. but without realizing time and distance, we missed each other the most when we are apart - never fails! he's been on the shift for the past fourteen months.. means, he's been away far apart from the family for at least seven months. i should have get used to the terms that he will leave for work and come back when its due. but i'm yet to learn not to shed my tears when i send him off at the airport. i know i will miss him until he comes back. long distance is never easy. especially when he has no choice but to miss out those important events like birthdays and anniversaries. sending short videos for his viewing via emails might help a bit, but never managed to heal the "wish you were here" phrase. it's not easy but we have to swallow. it made us both realised how much we miss, appreciate and love what we have between us.

he's not a control freak. i can still hang out with the girls whenever, wherever. but of course he's my priority. and not having him around, doesn't mean i'll just go roam whenever wherever. there's a gps sensor install in me, and only him can retrieve it.. understood - i may go where i want to go, lepaking with the girls, and he will know. he will.

and the guys, they only have one thing in mind. i can't say i married a saint. he's a man, not perfect but perfect enough for me (chewahh.. abang bagi allowance lebih yek ...)..back to guys and one thing in mind - i won't say that the only woman he will lays his eyes on is me.. he looked at others too, and even i was right there next to him. he would say it doesn't do any harm... i smile. of course i don't buy that! looks can kill! he can start looking, leering and there goes the blast in his mind. every man does that. true! he will agrees with me.. (ke, ye ke?).. so, do i trust him? working far far away in that samba land where bikinis might be their baju kurung back there.. one thing for sure, i know i have to trust myself. i trust myself not to be complacent, to let alone give him reason and benefit of doubts to think even once that he needs other alternative. i trust that I should do my part as a wife, as much as he's doing his part. i trust God is true, and what comes around, comes around. as long as i trust myself as much as he trust himself, we'll be taken care of, insyallah.

for now - just can't wait for him to come back.. miss him hugging me, tightly... hurry back!


i'm not that hardcore a blogger.. and i managed to survive during my nice long in-between-job break without any entry.. then, they made it a mandatory for me to attend a 16-days-induction programme and justified of no access of the net. next, my first day reporting to that tower... wham bam... with no work for the first few weeks, the only thing i can think is to update my blog. and for the past one month, i kept trying on and on my shining luck so that i am able to load the blogger page, but no good news.. until today, half an hour ago, i can log in, with no restriction. and i know i have all rights to believe in miracle!!!!!

i can't say much about my new work as i haven't started working, yet. don't ask me what i've been doing all this while coz me myself have difficulties in answering that...

it's not easy - an experienced hired, eager to start new task .. and yet... nothing in hand for me to kickstart...

so, expect more entries from me from now.. until i'm loaded with pile-up work.. and God knows when will that be!

for realllll................

i can't believe this myself.. i can access and log in to my blogger... biar betul......

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

it hurts the most

when you cried so hard for so long, you eyes swollen and it could hardly open itself, the top inner part of your mouth felt so dry that whenever the tip of your tounge touch it, it feels awefully uncomfortable.

when you cried so hard for so long, even the birds stopped singing, the sun stops shining, the radio's playing sad horrible songs. its like a complot by the world against you, to keep putting you in the mourning mood.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just wish you could turn back time. so that you won't hurt the person you cares the most and you don't hurt yourself.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just don't want to wake up, get off from the room, face the world.. and when your mum hand you the nice ketupat that your dad made and you didn't eat last night because you cried so hard for so long, you knew you wanted to burst again.

when you cried so hard for so long, talking to you BFFs will soothe you out, but what will helps is actually looking straight into the eyes of your soulmate, vent out every single concerns and you knew you don't have to cry so hard for so long. if only distance is not the limit..

when you cried so hard for so long, even a three year old kid would understand your melocholant emotion and agreed to keep it hush hush.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just all dried out.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


This is what i've really sent out. In case anybody needs any idea.
Dear all,

Here is the time when flowers lose petal
And others have to bloom
Here comes the time when the grass must be cut
And the mist lifts soon
Well, as per tradition I am sending out my goodbye email as this would be my last hour working with Penaga Dresser.  It has been a privilege to be working here for the past six and a half years and am sure will miss all that this place represents.  I guess in the early days we didn’t have any choice but to get along (and perhaps the feelings still the same till today), but as we ride on the journey and see the company grow, I must be thankful to be able to grow and gain life knowledge together with the company.
I, personally, with my humble heart (though I may be quite loud most of the times), am apologizing for things I’ve said and done – I’m sure I’ve said enough and done a lot, direct or indirectly, and I do apologize. I meant well, this time J
I am sure we will cross our path one day, so if anyone feels the urge to contact me, drop me lines at and of course Facebook (when you are not in the office, I guess).

To Dato Seri,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of the Penaga family.

Goodbye, good luck and you never know, see you later!
Also, Selamat Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin.

Over and Out.

Yours truly,

why must i be sad?

it's d-day. yup, finally.. i've been trying hard to construct the best farewell note to be send to everybody for the past three days, but , i guess i'm just not into it.. afterall, i intend to write a funny note that may sound rude and may not be suitable for malaysians culture.. hence, i just wrote it here... and wishing hard they bumped into this blog of mine and smile, if they could.

hi all,

as i woke up today decided what to wear, i realized it won't be much effort that requires.. i can just wear whatever i want, as casual as i want, as today is my last day of work with the company. after six and a half year, i finally made it.. i finally got the chance to email this note - a farewell note, a note that i've longed to write for the past five years. albiet the fact that most of the people i've known has left and i may be among the last, i'm still thankful for finally got the opportunity to leave. as happy as a lark, i'm glad i could send this out today.

over the years, i don't really remember any good times i've spent with the company. i could hardly recall any decent memories and i just don't give a damn. i have very few friends and they've left the company.. ok, except one and i pray for her to leave too.. (good luck, beb). as others, i'm not that close, perhaps i've been with you guys here in a short period as i've been in kemaman all this while. you guys are ok, but i'm sure i won't be missed and i'm ok with that.. really, i mean it.. so, no offense taken and no harm done. 

deep inside my heart, very very deep, i wonder.. i must have hate the company so much that i am so looking forward for today to come..i've waited for it to come five years ago.. am i so heartless that i've never like this place.. and what have gone wrong? 

let me tell you what have gone wrong... with exception of one year where i was promoted, the yearly increment that i've got never passed the 3%-7% benchmark.. with my low salary, that is very very insignificant.. it can't even pay up my tolls to the office. they said it's a standard rate increment (and i have evidence in one of the year when my increment was only 3%, one of the staff got a 22% increment).. and when i asked for justification, they would say it is based on my performance.. here's the thing, this company, never ever have any KPI set up, never ever have any performance evaluation where the staff never knew how we performed, never ever have any benchmark on the requirement to ensure certain incremente percentage, and yet they can throw this bullshit.... some of my collegues didn't even get any increment because their salary is high enough..what the heck, another year experience and they can throw that shit to them.. and talking about bonus, there's another thing.. i might have been lucky as i was doing the outside sales.. my boss at that time was ok and he valued my existence in driving the sales.. my bonus was ok... only to find out others got doubled that i did... and these people were higher income earners in the company... and they don't have to do anything because they are the managers..bloody buggers... those technicians who slaving themselves and the company is charging five times more than their salary was only give the minimum bonus.. the management said, 'better than nothing'.. and they said the company foresee the business is going down next year.. so, we need to save.. yarrr rrriiggghhhtttt....hey, don't the management know that we know their profit goes up to sixty percent of the cost.. and they even calculate the profit over the sales price and not the cost price (means they have more than that as a margin).. and they can throw this bullshit?

maybe most managers that made these decision has left.. to his stand, the owner may have said, it was decided by the managers.. still... you signed and approved the allocation..duuhhhh....

and talking about it, the (senior) managers who are still within the company (with respect to mine, he's ok, he's cool and he deserves more than his value now), they suck, BIG TIME. the one who is doing sales just sit on his table, staring in that laptop of his.. and i wonder what sales he's doing.. sales means you have to go out and meet clients and potential clients.. apparently that is not happening, and with his twenty years experience, am sure his earning a five figure pay and all he does is sit in the room.. the management said "strategic sales planning". another one, who is also supposed to be doing sales, somehow think he is replacing the COO and eyeing for the CEO post, is another loser. a person who can tells everybody that i'm joining the competitor while the whole world knew that i'm leaving for the user, a person who can tells everybody that a client is his good friend while he didn't even know which company the client work with, a person who can't even pronounce the product he's representing correctly, a person who can tell everybody that i claimed for parking ticket while i was an MC and when i confronted him he can blurly answered me "you cannot listen to gossip".. aggh.. the endless list about this person... and he called himself a SM with MBA scroll... you tell me, do i need to elaborate more? the finance, she's something we can laugh about.. she can request for a conference just to find out where is the document file saved in the server.. and last but not least, this one senior manager.. professionally, i guess she's ok. there's bits and pieces that she may improved. and she must stop saying 'it's not easy when you were held by ransom by friendship'.. what the heck, you are the manager, if your staff didn't perform, tell them upfront.. you can't manage them and you are asking for sympathy.. she must have been giving good blowjobs (oopssy) that the boss loves you so much. well, the starbuck incident (yup, someone saw you guys like a couple.. yuck.. out of all guys and places....).. personally, being a slutty bitch is the only way that get her way to the management.. the company has more senior managers than i ever knew.. kudos.

i, somehow, thank God for the time spent here in the company. i learn to grow up. as much as my bff who has more than ten years experience and still think her knowledge is not much, i can confidently admit i am technically sound with the products.. there's more to learn as we will never stop learning. but, when some clients can think of my name whenever they need technical advise with regards to control valves in general, i think i've done well. and i've made few nice friends. when i started doing sales in the east coast, a tudung-less lady with red hair and green lens, and no contacts except for her hubby, i've accomplished a lot. i never had proper training to give training, and yet, i've provided training to engineers, senior engineers, consultants and even have my own training modules... all this is my effort, and i never care to thank the company. it God's will.. the company never cares.

well, i don't think i've said enough, but i guess, if were to write every single tragedy, i'll be much happier and i must have to sound so fake when i started my 'official' farewell email with "i wrote this with mixed feelings".... not a teeny weeny sad emotions left within myself.. if they never care to value me while i was here, why must i care to pretend how much i'm in love with the company.. and thank God for i never love this place.

Friday, August 20, 2010

ever after

"may you never steal, lie or cheat - but if you must steal, steal away my sorrows; if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life; if you must cheat, then please cheat death coz i know i can't live without you around".... i heard it quoted in the movie, leap year (2010).

sigh, it's the hopeless romantic lady again.well, at 3:30pm six years ago, we were all waiting. he was late, as expected. and so did his entourage. that was old news. he's always late and i should have known. he was fifteen minutes late, and that was not a record-breaking late.

as he walked in the mosque, i saw him in a glimpse. confidently carving that crooked smile of his. the same croocked smile he wore when he first knocked my door. i was sitting quite a distance, though i was supposed to be the center of the event. i heard him laughing, together with the iman and others. and i heard then, "aku terima nikahnya ...", and as the witnesses nodded agreeing to his one-time solemnization, i was officially his.

just few hours before the big event, i was having my lunch. and somehow, after twenty-seven years living in the earth, i picked a perfect timing to get choked by a 3 inch fishbones.. my eyes were filled with tears, and i din't recall who brought me to the clinic, but there was i. yup, i have to go to clinic to get it checked. it was nothing major, and the doctor gave me some medicine for the tonsillitis, just in case. i told him that i'm getting married in two hours time.. and he said "o my, you are not getting married to this guy from terengganu who came knocking on my door at 3am asking for flu med as he's getting married today"... and it's true when they said it's a small world afterall. 

so, there was i. officially a legal wife of his, six years ago.. and still am.

yes, we may have lots of arguments, we may have tons of fights, we may have nagged at each others often, we may have forgot those important vital things we have ought to remember, we may have zillions of disagreements, we may use words that hurts each others' feelings. you may not understand why i need more bags and shoes, as much i don't understand how could i end up with a nocturnal you who wake up through out the nights and sleeps all day long. you may love to do laundry over and over while i grumble about the pile up clothes waiting to be iron. yes, we've been through the roughs, and there'll sure more to come.

but of course, we've been up through the highs too. times when i broke down and cried and all i wanted is you coz only you could make me laugh. times when you looked at the moon offshore and getting so mushy missing me. times when we just liew down next to each others, talking till morning. times when i bitched about that friend of a friend of a friend and you were supporting me with facts. times when we laughs being the proud parents of the two angels of ours. uncountable good loving fun times.

sayang, cheers for our sixth anniversary, and more to come. love you so much, i do, we do. and we the love is so true, it will have a happy ending, ever after.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

picture says it all

i've run out of reading materials and as i was buying time to wait for dawn to break in, i decided to clear up those photos that have been in the drawer, unorganized, muddled up.. those old photos of mine.

there were piles of them. the photos. photos from as old as ten to fifteen years ago. how time flies. looking at those old photos, i could hardly believe it was sooooo old.

it's true when they said pictures say a thousand words. there were photos when i got the shorthest hair in my life and looked so ugly in it, which i should throw them away, just realizedd that there were my late grandma on each photos. how i've missed her so much. she was one strong lady. she had a hard life. with a dozen kids to feed and raise, she went through the thick. she didn't married with that high rank officer, but to that smartly dressed under-rank armed-forces grandpa of mine (who i've missed also). and so, their life were not easy. my mum and aunts had countless sad difficult life threatening stories to tell us.. but then again, they always wish that their parents live long enough, just to let them see how great our life, the grandkids were.. we may not be super-duper rich, but we were doing ok.. better than those relatives who once looked down on them (my gramps and my aunts). i was told, my grandma used to even beg for rice to those rich relative of us.. apprently, nowadays, they not that rich as they thought they were. God is Great.

and then, there were photos when i was in uni. i've bumped into one of the person in one of my photos. that person did asked me if i were from umist, and i was stunned as i could hardly recalled him. and here i was, holding a photo of me, lin, meri and her ex and this guy, who still remain a mystery to me as i still couldn't remember his name. and photos of me, yan, lin,meri, climbing trees by the park. photos of me and ayu with our traditionals, preparing for the malaysian night show. of course, also, photos of my sis and me on her london trip - the first time i made the attempt to get in touch with my then boyfriend to be, later turn to be boyfriend who is my hubby now. the trip was brief, but i couldn't stop smiling thinking how i was head over feet remembering all the sweet gestures he did, like flipping my hair in front of the big ben, shyly helping me up on that lion in trafalgars for that nice shoot... agghhh...

as i kept going, there were photos of me in iraq, before the war.. that was year 2002 if i wasn't mistaken. another nice memories. it wasn't long when i was there.. i don't remember how long, a month or two. but it was something to talk about. the people, the culture, the buildings, the ambiences.. after five years in UK, being in iraq is really and eye-opener.. very different, but i still enjoyed it.

if i were to describe each and every photos in my collection, bet it's gonna be forever. deep inside, i felt like something is missing. i've spent lots of time with my families and friends. my memories with k intan and ija were photos loaded in the FB, our trip to bandung.. it was fun trip and we need to do it again. and now that FB has been blocked.. you tell me...

somehow, i missed that kodak 36 400 exposures.

Monday, August 16, 2010

colouring contest

the company decided to block the FB - hence, this is my next alternative to update what's up with things..

their dad has gone off for work, would be a short trip as he'll be back just in time for raya..yeah yeah..after three rayas, i am looking forward for nice one happy family in raya morning. anyway, as the boys were getting so used to have their dad for the past few weeks, staying at home during weekend was not something great that they looked forward to. so, i decided to bring them to wangsa walk, which i managed to get three pairs baju melayu each.. should be enough for the raya and their afternoon religious class.and as we were window shopping, the deejay was calling all the kids on the floor to join in the colouring contest. i asked my dear aidan if he would like to join, and he nodded. so, i enrolled both aidan and aimar. they were excited to get the pure white contest paper and the not-faber-castell colour pencil set. well, it lasted five minutes for aimar, but aidan completed the whole thing. 

on the hand, i saw this family. not be racist, so, i won't mention the race... go figure. this family, had everything ready. the small table, the crayon set.. and i'm so impressed with the parents coaching the kids, raising the voices when the colour were off the picture.. and i looked at my boys.. they were cool. 

for a rm50 hamper gift as a first prize, the family i saw did put lots of efforts in the competition. 

i've always be ambitious. i liked competition. gimme the challange, and i'm all set. i represented my school up to national level for quizzess. and i found out that aidan is not as competitive as i wish he could be. and he's a sore loser as well.. he'll compete if he know he'll win the race..else, he just won't bother. aimar - yet to discover, but i knew he has very very low attention span. i sometimes worried with my sons attitude. but then, looking at how serious the other family was, i guess we are okay.

they both got a nice monkey-teddy to bring home, and something to talk about..

Friday, August 13, 2010

walk-in wardrobe

as i dragged my feet from the parking lot to the office, at a snail's pace, i saw this one lady. she'walked passed me. she made me smile.

nope, she wasn't smiling at me or making any joke that made me smile. when i first saw her, i was gobsmacked. yes, it is casual friday for most companies. yes, she is casually dressed, and am sure she's on her way to her office like me. but her casualities doesn't fit well, at least that's what i thought. unless she works as a hooker or GRO in karaoke center, which i doubt it, her wardrobe was totally not in a right place at a right time. she was wearing a pair of denim, and a striped polo shirt, which she decided to unbutton the first three buttons, showing more than her cleavage, and she pull the big white collar high up.. and i wonder why she did what she did.. .. and then, after comletely dumbfounded with her sense of dressing, i smile.. 

she's not the only one. apparently, something that i won't be able to see much when i was in kemaman was the 'city people' sense of dressing.. the walk from the convention center to klcc would be an interesting ten minutes walk for us, the bff clan. along the way, we'll pick up those funny wierd people dress to kill.. and some really could kill with those bright magenta undies under white short hot pants with silver skimpy tops that you could see those 'valleys'... and that is just a real example, and there's more than i could think of.
as one of our bff told us her theory - they'll dressed up, simply, if not shorts enough, it would be too revealing at the top..or best still, they'll dress weirdly...

these people, they either have such a high self-gut, or forget to check up the mirror before they go out, or simply work as  a clown 24-7.

when i read the magazine, and saw the runways pictures of those designers introduce those funny dresses with unconventional hairstyle and weird accessories... i always thought ' who on earth would wear that'... apparently, i knew i was shallow enough not to be able to identify there's so many of them who don't mind being caught by the fashion police for capital offense and should be beheaded!... really, they should!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

could hardly wait

my bff who is sitting right behind me in this office has gone. left the company. she got a better offer, much better, with the competitor, and so they let her go earlier, and paid up her salary....nice.......i called her up, she's on her way to la-la-land napping in the ramadhan's afternoon... very very nice. i kinda miss her company. i was so silent, so not me, in the office. i, frankly, admitted i don't have many friends.. one at the back, another up there on level 18 ..not so many i could think of. and now that the one nearest to me has gone, i'm bored - to death. my work wasn't piling up. yes, i have a few, but that's been taken care of. i just missed talking ..aagghhhh....

on the other hand, i wonder how my days would be in the soon-to-be my new office. how would the friends there be? i heard they are boring. i don't know them, but people been stereotyping them. i'm sure gonna miss my buddies i left here. but then, after being transferred to kemaman and been there for nearly five years, i failed to make any good friend there and my friendship with those i left back in kl even stronger.. my bffs. and so, i'm not that worry now that coming to think of that.

i can't wait to leave the company. i woke up and just wish i don't have to go to work. not that work is overbearing.. its just routine i need finish them as i need to serve them as in the contract. agghhhhhh....

and so now, am counting down.. less than ten days u olzz..... ouwww..... i loike

Monday, August 9, 2010

once upon a time

i received a good long big hug this morning. when he fully awake later today, i'm not sure if he would ever remember giving me that good long big hug. but, that good long big hug would definitely be a good start for my day. he made my day.

it's so easy to please a lady.
our men text us exactly at midnight wishing us a 'happy birthday, dear', and we are okay with no gift and gleefully smiling coz they remembered our birthday.
we've been waiting for them to pick us up for nearly half hour, only to find out they just got off from the mamak stall five minutes ago, and when they arrived, don't bother to say sorry because they're there to pick us up, and we cool off forgetting that we've waited for long half hour just because they are there to pick us up.
a big bouquet specially delivered to the office with note 'sorry, i missed our anniversary,sayang' and we were head of feet because it's not easy for them to admit their mistakes.
we, ladies, are hopeless romantic.

but, we, ladies, always suffers from short-term memory loss. we cried and forgive easily. we nagged and stop complaining right after. we were in pain but didn't bother telling out loud. we suffered sleep deprivation and still we set the alarm half hour earlier. we daydreamed when those love songs were aired, imagining all those words sang meant for us.
we, ladies, are hopeless romantic.

anyway, i woke up the day after, and realized, he didn't remember the hug he gave me :(

me being hopeless romantic, still hoping..

for this coming anniversary,i wish we could have done things we've done before..
nice karaoke duets
relaxing watching movies (which most of the time i will sleep through out the movies)
holding hand-in-hand jaywalking in the shopping complex
great (expensive) dinners
enjoying the laughs playing bowlings
maybe a good hug serenading Genting's cool weather
and many more..
thing we used to do before there were three and four of us.. it been a while....

am hopeless romantic...

it's true you know - things will change after a while. we won't stay the same. we are prepared for the changes.

i just thought it would be nice ifs......

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

been there, done that

my dear sons,
as you grow up, will you remember how it was?
will you remember how worried sick you made us when you were coughing non-stop in the middle of the night, nights?
will you remember how terrifying it was when your aunt shouts for your name when she realized you were gone - and yes, you went missing for longest sixty seconds of our lives?
will you remember how horrifying we were when we saw you jumping on the trampoline and landed on the floor - and you were darn happy that you managed to pull the acrobatic stunt wonderfully?
will you remember how you made us laugh till we filled our eyes with tears when you move your body to the r&b music and you danced for the whole good five songs?
will you remember how impressed we were when we heard you humming and singing to that favourite songs of yours when you could hardly understands what the lyrics all about?
will you remember how you were so excited when you wore the wristband to enter the theme park, but end up we were at the medical center because your fingers got stucked on the themepark entrance gate?
will you remember how your kind babysitter back in that old town who took care of you like her own kids?
will you remember how you gave the protective looks when you saw us in pain?
will you remember how you remembered our promises while our promises were only to bait you to do the chores?
will you remember when we asked you to put that dirty laundy in the baskets, take the glass of water yourselves, clean the mess you've made.. also we asked you to massage us, picked up our mess and many other chores that were supposed to be ours?
will you remember how you've touched our heart with your cute remarks like "i wish my dad is here..."?
will you remember how guilty we feel when we realised that it was midnight and we still forcing you to spell 'brow' for your mini-quiz?
will you remember you were only five back then?
will you remember that mama came back over lunch the day after and brought that transformers toy to give mama some peace in her mind?
will you remember though you were forced to sleep until midnight and were tired, you still got all right for the test?
will you remember how guilt mama felt after that?

my dear sons,
you will not remember a lot of things.. that is why, when some things happen in time, you thinks its 'dejavu'...
could you remember to love us when we were old, cranky, stinky and still as naggy as we used to be?
could you remember to be a responsible father who takes care of your kids?
could you remember to be a loyal husband who loves that good one and only wife of yours?
could you remember not to stray around, having fun with girls, just because you think you can afford it?
could you remember to keep reminding yourselves to be the good gentleman who worth to be living and this good old lives of yours?

my dear sons,
you will grow up fine.. insyallah.

Monday, July 26, 2010

the losing battle

he told me to pick the battles that i could win.. strategic thinking.. but, this time, i knew i will always be at the losing ground..

to console me, i would say i was blessed and i thank Allah for i was offered the job that i've been dreaming of.. not really the job i was wishing for - if i were given the option, i'm not so looking forward to be a buyer. it would be a routine job and with the 'forced rank' imposed in the (new) organization, i must be very very good to stay competitive and be wanted in their organization. no doubt that i will meet so many people who want to befriend me, and bite me if that they really want to be my friend, but just because my new business cards would flash the word 'opportunities'.. i'm not even in the new organization yet, still, i'm getting a text message "please keep in touch. i'm sure we can do some business..".. o my, o my... i'm definitely changing my numbers and not annoucing it to the whole world. 

i submitted my resignation weeks ago. of all three companies i've been working for, this was the longest.. and of the longest,i technically learned the most, i created a monster of myself, and i made (internal) friends the least. so, did i feel happy leaving the company or did i fell happy to be getting the offer? not a pinch teeny weeny tiny bit that i felt sad leaving the company. nada, none,non! and after what had happened, i hate it to bits that i'm thinking of all the worst horrible terrible sweet revenge that i can think of.

i found out that, after five and half years, the time spent in this company would br the much avoided time in my life that i would pick. of course, i met few, very few, good friends, working here... and only that is left to treasure what i have with the company. as i'm counting my days, the hatred is getting even worst. i knew, for fact that after working every single details on the price agreements (PA), and took me two and half years, with the management keep changing minds and literally changing person, i stuck by. and today, i was told that the PA coordinator will be going to Japan to discuss on the PA.. of course that won't send me as I'm leaving... but, what hurting me the most was, i was there for the two and half years, i proposed for discussion one half year ago, and one year ago.. i still failed to convince them that i deserve to go to factory and discuss the matter.. and today, they can simply decide to send the two-week newy-hired coordinator to discuss. 

i've been handling the east coast account for the past four years, at least. i was dumped into that odd place in kemaman, and was asked to go and see the users, to discuss technical issues. and as i've transfered my account the new sales force, never had they care to ask me about the customers... and the outstandings and anythings... they went and see the users, and they will always be two or three of them... i was there, alone, by myself, knocking doors...and customers were wondering what was this silly red-hair green-eye lady trying to do... all alone by myeslf.. and today, there three, four of them.. 

i'm sure there'll be no legacy of me when i leave the company. those customers that i've made friends of, will remain my friends.. apparently, there were more than i've expected.. i started with one customer in MTBE, and now, i have more in my FB list. but, i'm sure, that blardy old bugger that sitting in that big spacious room (and just because you got the biggest room, doesn't me you are the boss, idiot!), i'm very very much sure that he will tell everybody that i deleted all the important files (i wish i could, or maybe i should!), i made the company wasted by giving such a big discounts (why didn't you checked my work before?), my work was a mess everywhere (because you don't even know how to pronounce the product name, how can you understand technical paperwork?), and all those big fat lies..... my friends told me, i might want to leave the company with good names.. i might want.. but, thinking back, do i really need to? it will still be a losing battle for me. the stupid idiot i'm dealing with, while others knew i'm leaving to join the user, he can proudly tell my boss that i'm leaving for the competitor... this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, he can say i claimed my parking while i was on sick leave and when i confronted him he can simply say "you can't listen to gossip".. this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, he can tell us that his so-called close customer is now assigned to carigali, and this is very very close customer of his, while when we found out that the customer was not in carigali but elsewhere...this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, is pure stupid, and he is the senior sales manager for the MRO business for malaysia. 

well, it will still be a losing battle for me, but, thinking back, i do sympathise with those who still need to deal with him for next how many years to come.. i'm sure he won't be leaving anywhere sooner - who would want him, anyway?

so, me, losing?...nah... am so looking forward to leave.....