Wednesday, April 1, 2015

lagi lagi nangis

hmm.. the most favourite topic for the past few days, weeks and months... today is d-Day. and so, how long will people talk about it?

i'm not going to talk about gst..nope, not in single mind. i do know about it, but not to the extend to talk about it. me no expert. and yup, i will be bias, just like the majority (i guess).. if only the government can really use all the collected money from the gst to the good use of every rakyat... if only..


well, that's a lot of hmm...

i'm on my fourth month of the unpaid. and two days ago, i 'broke down'.. who could have thought. perhaps, that's my check-and-balance of myself telling me i'm just normal. 

aimar's class teacher is leaving, and as i just took up the parents' rep for his class (involuntary), i have to lead the surprised farewell party we are throwing for the teacher. it was such as sudden and we were given such a short notice. 

as there were no mothers who were available to help with the food and everything, the expectation was for the not-working mother. guilty as charged! i was in Giant buying some drinks, then Pizza Hut for the food. fact is, I always love planning events, but when it comes to the last-minute arrangement, i just don't like it. but, one got do what one had to do. i was rushing here and there. the traffic was not helping. and as i was ten minutes late, i received a phone call asking where was i. nope, it's not funny when you were religiously time your activities and it slipped beyond your control. i was sending my hubby before i rushed to Pizza Hut. i knew i was late, and i panicked. my hubby wished he could help, but of course, if only he could. i missed him being my daily weekdays chauffeur! i cried when i told him "i'll be fine."

and i thought that was it. i'll cry and let go. 

but as i picked up the boys, i cried again. i was actually tired running here and there. after four month, i still not getting used to this SAHM work... it's all a SHAM! yup, of course i have extra time at home when all were gone to school and work. but that is the time i will try to do the laundry, iron the clothing .. ok, i don't clean the house. i let the weekly maid do it. but still, i'll just get busy too realized it's noon and time to pick up Aivey. Then, of sudden, picking up the boys and my hub. i was so hooked up looking and preparing revision materials for the boys and it could take hours. and i did go to the school for mothers' meet up quite often. 

somehow, it's a bit tiring. 

my hubby told me i could just say no to being the parents' rep.. but then, there were no one free enough to do things and i believe it does good for my boys for having a mother who could assist in their school activities. i couldn't keep telling people about my remission period. not that i'm always sick, but i just wish people would understand, my self-battery is not as strong as a normal person has. on the other hand, even the slightest request such as "could you get this for the school" or "could you sent that" or "could you fetch them" and many more sometimes are overbearing! i felt guilty if i have to say no, just because i'm not working. 

it's horrible, sometimes. 
i just wish i knew what is a mother's kpi so i can just get it right and i wouldn't mind just being an average achiever.  so, will i get fired if i don't perform? cry!
i just wish it could be treated as a normal 8 to 5 working hours of no kids around and i can have a peaceful lunch by myself. i do miss gossiping over lunch, and still couldn't find time to do that till today! cry!
i just wish i could have the nights and weekends all by myself instead of running here and there for kumon, computertots and art class. i have it all planned for the kids, so, good or no good?cry!
i just wish i could have the annual leave and can just simply take an EL anytime whenever i feel like it. where do i apply for my leave?
i just wish i could say 'sorry. i can't get the things for the class just because i don't want to' and won't feel guilty and conscious of people might think "she's a housewife, what else she could possibly busy doing? that's only a half hour task!'. and so, i cry and do the work, involuntarily and best i could get is "thank you". cry!
i just wish i could learn to  ignore the remarks my boys were saying "mama tak kerja,kan?". mama ada degree oversea tau! ingat mama tak kerja mama tak pandai ke? "position mama apa?" cry!
i just wish i could be a better mother and not feeling guilty when  i think my kids are getting into my nerves! 
it's horrible, sometimes. 
and all i could do is cry.. 

and yes, abang, i've bought the green MK just to comfort me. thank you, darling (in case you're wondering the cash withdrew is less then the expenses i told you) :)

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