re-mission the remission

yes, i had my cancer.
it was a year ago.
alhamdullillah, we got it treated and i am now free-cancer.
and i thought that was it!

and that's when i heard the word remission.
quoting from the net:

'If you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, you’re probably hoping to hear your doctor use the word “remission.” It marks a major turn in your care and long-term health. But it’s more complicated than simply being done with treatment.

There are two types of remission:

1. Partial remission means the cancer is still there, but your tumor has gotten smaller -- or in cancers like leukemia, you have less cancerthroughout your body. Some doctors tell patients to think of their cancer as “chronic,” like heart disease. It’s something you will need to continue to check. If you’re in partial remission, it may mean you can take a break from treatment as long as the cancer doesn’t begin to grow again.
2. Complete remission means that tests, physical exams, and scans show that all signs of your cancer are gone. Some doctors also refer to complete remission as “no evidence of disease (NED).” That doesn’t mean you are cured.

There’s no way for doctors to know that all of the cancer cells in your body are gone, which is why many doctors don’t use the word “cured.” If cancer cells do come back, it usually happens within the 5 years following the first diagnosis and treatment.'

and i thought it would be easy.

i'm not complaining.
i have no intention to do so.
i wrote about it before, and i do not intend to write about it over and over again.
but again and again, i got sick, i got tired,i broke down and i cried.
and i hurt the one i loved most, and the one that cared about me most.
it's never a good feeling.
it never will.
...
an i'm writing it down..
all over again...
...
i don't remember how it happened, but it happened soo fast.
i had bad sinuses.
my nose were bleeding once or twice and we thought it was just mere hot weather.
we were on our ninth anniversary celebration and went for the linkin park rock concert.
we had so much fun.
but i lost my voice, even before the concert started and did make fun how i lost my voice over the concert the day after.
i remembered having bad sore throat when we were in bali.
the lump on my neck, which were there for the past three four months were there. it didn't hurt, so, it didn't bothered me. until it bothered the people surroundings me, and so, i went and get it checked.

the ENT specialist decided to do a Fine Needle Analysis when the antibiotics did not work.
the procedure was such a pain.
he just simple cut the lump and took the sample.
i also went through CT scan.
i hate it the CT scan.. especially when the hot fluid was injected into my body. it was so warm and so uncomfortable.
weeks later, the ENT confirmed that it was cancer, malignant cells, behind the nasal.

all i could remember, i was holding my hubby's hand and we were walking to the oncologist's clinic.
the clinic was just in front of the ENT.
it was our first time, being introduce to oncology, one of the medicine field we never knew before.
and there we were.
...
the oncologist had it checked.
the PET Scan was where i was injected with radioactive sugar to scan the hyper cancer cell. I was advised not to be near aivey at that time as she was just a baby..
even with that requirement, i knew it's gonna hurt more as we will be departed for quite sometimes when i go through the treatment.
we had the MRI scan as well.. it was noisy. but surprisingly, after all the tiredness crying all alone by myself on machines after machines, i slept through in the middle of the noise.

the scans confirmed it was nasopharyngeal cancer stage III
...
we never bothered to look for alternative. not that we don't trust it, but we just wanted to get things over and chemo-radiotherapy had been proven quite a while.

after all, at that point, whatever treatment we opted for, we knew it was all Allah's Qada' & Qadr.
and we are His humble hamba.
...
it was three complete cycles of chemotherapy, and thirty-three times radiotherapy with weekly chemotherapy.
i was given cisplatin and xeloda.
my brother in law, who's a consultant himself, told us that's the best med in the market nowadays.
the radiotheraphy was with 70 Grays intensity. I always believe it got something to do with my favourite series, Grey's Anatomy.

the treatment was not something i want anyone to go through it, even my worst enemy.
it wasn't pleasant.
it's horrible when all you can do was puke and vomit.
your hair fell down like no body business.
you throat constantly needed water.
you constipated.
all you can do was lie down.
you slept all day all night.
you didn't even know what happened to world outside. you didn't know whether it was exam week with the boys, you didn't know that you little baby girl has started to talk non-stop..
it was bad.
you shutoff.
you closed the door, not wanting your kids to see that you were unwell.
you closed your heart, not wanting people to think you were weak.
you felt like a loser when you could hardly walk to the toilet which was just few steps behind you.
you felt useless when you knew you were disturbing you aging parents from sleeping when you couldn't stop coughing.
you failed!
you just failed and shut down!

but then, the beautiful side, i got to claimed that i had 4 pints of blood transfusions, i got to legally have morphine all by myself, i got myself a dot of tattoo as it was needed for the tomography machine, and i managed to pull out a tube that went all the way from my nose to my stomach just becuase i couldn't stand it and the nurse was too slow..

hahaha..
beat that! :)
...
i am thankful to Allah when i was told by my onco that i was on complete remission.
alhamdullillah.
and i still am thankful.
...
but once a while, i knew i'm still not as hard and strong as i wish i am.

i remembered i was on just protein milk as my breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. i couldn't chew, i couldn't swallow and i couldn't taste anything. it was horrible.

i thought i've recovered but i still couldn't taste the food.
i cried.

gradually, i started to take up food. from porridge, eggs, soups.. alhamdullillah. if i could recall, it took me six month to manage to eat and taste my food. but then, my taste was limited. i couldn't taste salty food and the soury food were killing my throat. i couldn't take chillies.. even a dash of peppers would make me jumping for water.

they've seen it all..
the people surroundings me.
they've seen it all..
they just didn't know that i was crying when i saw that sympathy look in their eyes.

the aftermath was not good.
the hair was still thinning.
the skin damaged badly, especially on the neck area.
the body was losing weight, 15 kgs!
the taste was a no-no.
the hearing was not helping.

it took me nearly a year to taste my first laksa after a while.
alhamdullillah, my taste is recovering now.
i can take chillies and i felt so blessed everytime i ate hot and spicy stuff!
little things that i forgot to appreciate...

my neck area is still dry, but it wasn't something that i was worried about.

my hand and feet are still 'sleeping'.
its the nerves.
my onco said it will get better.
but it will take a while.
4,5 years maybe.
last week, i stepped on something sharp. i didn't realized it only to see blood on my toes.
that's what i meant ' i couldn't really feel'.

there were times fluid were rushing out from both of my ears.
it's very uncomfortable.
very very uncomfortable.
the ENT did nothing but only prescribed me with antibiotics.
it didn't stop the fluid.
i stop taking the antibiotics.
i had myringotomy right after my radiotherapy.
when one of the grommet came out from my ears in February, the fluid from my ears stop coming out.
nope! that was not good news.

i have another issue.
my middle ears were full with fluid and it just couldn't discharge and decided to stay in the ear.
i could hardly hear well.

we went for another ENT check-up.
its standard. he cleaned the ears and prescribed the antibiotics and nasal spray.
the accumulated in my nose has now started to build up.
to some extend, i did got terrible headaches due to accumulated fluid.
my throat was now started to have mucus in it.
its just annoying.
the mucus were so thick, i could hardly swallow and throw it out.


last week, we paid another visit to the ENT.
it was nothing new and was nothing good.
he kept on prescribing  the medicine.
i asked for alternative.
i couldn't stand not hearing my loved ones talking to me.
i couldn't stand not hearing the tv and radio.
i couldn't stand hearing myself too loud.
i couldn't stand with all the hissed, buzzed and banged in my head.
i couldn't stand not knowing whether i speak in a right tone or not.
i couldn't stand letting down myself when i couldn't hear what the cashier in the 7E told me how much i need to pay for the junks.
i asked for an alternative.
the doctor said, it's just the prescribed medicine.
the fluid need to be discharge via nose or throat now that my ears are blocked.
it may take 2,3 years.
it will recover after that, but if not, we could look for hearing aid.

i cried.
i cried in front of the ENT.
i cried in front of my hubby.
i cried.

people would ask me "how are you doing, ain?".
i would say i'm fine. i would tell them i do have hearing problem.
and i smile.
if only i could lie to myself and just smile.

i am thankful to Allah.
i am blessed.

tapi, bila syaitan datang nak kacau.
jiwa jadi lemah.
raga hilang entah ke mana.
penat.
sedih.
sakit.
tak pasal2 jadi gaduh ngan en suami.
tak pasal2 jadi nak marah dengan anak3.

semalam, my hubby told me to slow down the volume of the TV.
i coudn't take it.
he knew i couldn't hear.
but he meant well.
if we were to have that rule to the kids, not to turn on the volume too high, i should show the same example too.
i felt bad.
i could hardly give good example to my kids...
...
i just wish when the doctor said i was fine, i was really fine.

sayangnya Allah dekat diri yang hina ini.
banyaknya dosa yang Dia hendak hapuskan.
moga sakit ini bukan sakit free.
moga terhapus dosa2 hina diri ini.

but then again,
bear with me.
even i have difficulties bearing with myself.