how do i do?

i was 'cleaning' the phone photo gallery. it was my hubby's phone, and i'm using it while i'm waiting for either ip7 or ipse to come to klcc.. ahaks...

and i stumbled on this photo:

and then this:

it was taken in late march 2014. i was holding the mask that i've putting on for 33 consecutive days. it was our last tomotherapy. it was not something that i wanted to be reminded of.

...

it has been two years. alhamdullillah. do far so good.

fact was that i hate the machine very much.

fact is that i pray and pray and pray hard that neither me nor anyone i knew or even strangers has to use that machine.

but i couldn't deny the fact that dengan izin allah, dengan tawakal dan doa, that machine helped!

...

it was bad! that day, the 33rd treatment, was bad! a 37 year old lady, had to be could hardly walked and need to be pushed on a wheelchair; and could hardly lifted her hand just to get changed to the hospital gown. she could hardly speak nor cry. she could hardly hear nor chew. she could hardly carry herself up on the machine flatbed. she was helpless, a cooked vegetable.

mashaallah... the man that took the picture, who tried his best to wear red shirt to celebrate just to match his wife's red blouse and everyone knows how he never care about what he wore.. that man was next to her, in sickness and in health, far and near.

...

I 'occasionally' (hmmm, it's more like forthnightly) fell sick and cry since then. i broke down. 

i keep on wondering, when will i have a 'undisturbed' sleep. most nights were shorts. i had to wake up for sips of water as my saliva was not much due to the radiotherapy, and my mouth is consistently dry. 

i keep on wondering, when will the buzz in my ears intend to stop having the party inside so that i could just hear the screeching sound of loose screws of my car while driving.

i keep on wondering, when will i stop telling myself and the people i loved 'i'm just tired and need to sleep early' and dozed off leaving stuff for my hubby to take care of.

i keep on wondering, when will i stop worrying my tooth to come out as either   extracting or if it pull out by nature won't help much as it might take me months to recover just as much as two three days for any person who never goes through that tomo machine 33 times.

...

astagfirullahhalazim 

how could i even think of that?

look at the picture.

i was skinny bone, and now i'm in shape that is envious by most my friends or even teenagers.

i couldn't sleep, and it was wonderful praying and 'talking' to allah in the middle of the night demanding things we could ever think of.

i couldn't hear pindrop, and trust me, we don't need to hear every single things and sometimes not listening is always best!

i couldn't afford long days and nights, and yet everything is in place as i was blessed with a man who love me and children who are too independent for their age.

i couldn't afford to lose any tooth, and if the day come, i know i have sooo many people that would care and pray for my wellbeing.

...

everything is full of His rahmat.

itu Dia, ArRahman ArRahim.

alhamdullillah 

and abang, thank you has never been enough.