Thursday, July 28, 2016


we are dead bored. it's aidan day 3 warded in PHKL and he was supposed to be discharged today and yet we have been waiting since morning and still waiting for the paperworks and documentations.

aidan asked me, have you ever been warded because of other reasons than cancer?

yup, for delivering you, aimar and aivey.
i never liked the thoughts of me being warded because of my cancer. it wasn't easy, for sure. and thinking and talking about it wasn't easy as well. 

my chemo and radio didn't require me to be warded. it was then i was introduced and got familiar with the terms 'daycare', 'homeleave' and 'day surgery'. 

however, during the treatment, there were times that i needed to be warded as i was infected with bacteria, i was too weak, i wasn't eating, i needed more blood.

it was tiring. for me and for the loved ones. everybody lost their patience at some breaking points. i was mad at my hubby and dad for leaving me all alone at the hospital while they were running here and there taking care of my children and the day-to-day routines. my hubby was angry for i refused to eat and i cried for i was sad when he was being insensitive while i forgot how uncomfortable for him to be sleeping at the make-do sofa turn bed for nights. i was mad when the nurses put in the tube from my nose down to my throat as they were trying to feed me. i was pissed as they told me it won't hurt but it was horrible horrible pain that i wouldn't mind being in labour for the fourth time! i was mad when i missed the children when I was warded and i screamed and asked them to go back home when they were making the hospital room too comfortable for them to play.

it has never been pleasant though people tried hard to accommodate me.

now that i'm reflecting back of what had happened, i just couldn't thank Allah enough for the abundance love He gave thru these beautiful people who matters!

thank you Allah 
thank you all and all.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


talking about consistency!
it has never been easy!!

but i still feel obligated to post things in this blog.
it's like a multivit to boost up my energy level..
and so it is the 7th syawal... already???
time flies.

much to be said, it went ok.
we wore orange in the first day of syawal.
aimar did the whole month of fasting, and missed two or three nights of tarawikh at the surau.
of course, we always make sure that the boys never to miss their solat fardhu, before any other things,

i caught up with my quran readings, but not much for the boys.
guess would need to do more this month.
gosh, she get smarter and smarter in her own way.
the latest was being the great counsellor, conciliating her parents arguments.
it wasn't great, but we both (the adults) were being so hard headed and childish.
aivey was so sweet and gentle, telling us 'orang kawin mana boleh fight-fight! tak baik, Allah tak suka'

malu pada diri sendiri bila budak lima tahun boleh nasihat begitu!

but, i'm still worried (not really la) of her not being able to read.
both of her abang managed to read phonics when they were five, but aivey is still struggling.

i have always been a strict and ambitious mama to the boys.
somehow, i spoiled aivey when it comes to school!
i'm not sure it was the aging effect me not bothering about those reading counting and everything as long as her 'life' skills are not worrying, or i just have to spoil her for she's so sweet every day.

but i guess, one got to do what one got to do.
she's in extra reading class today. and this will take up three days in a week, until she can read.
the least i can do.
so, it has been two years of me resigning from the corporate world.
i'm not sure if i miss that life or not.
i love what i'm  doing now; of not doing anything.
i wonder where my time has gone.
but then, i seems to be occupied on every waking hours.
i still 'care' subconsciously when people ask 'what do you do?'
to me, answering 'not working' got it all wrong.
if i'm not working, why do i have so many things in my list?
yup, i do, read the quran, taddabbur, read books, teach kids, pick them up, send them off, please the husband, be beautiful, buy nice baju, wear nice tudung... and so on and so on...
so, is that 'not working' to you?
it is work, to me.
so, telling that i have to help with something because i am not working, and you are, i guess is not right at all!
do i sound envious to that?
am i envy of those 'working' mother?
do i feel 'inferior' for being label 'non-working mom'?
well, i guess a nigger will surely be pissed when the white stranger call them 'nigger', but they surely wouldn't mind calling themselves niggers..
same situation i'm having!

to think of it, i never can't thank Allah enough for having a 'strict' supportive husband and always believe what i'm doing is what i should be doing.
while some of the working mom wish they could spend some times reading few ayat from the quran, i was rushing to finish mine for the fifth time. and i haven't been working for two years, only. can you imagine how much i've wasted for the 14 years of working and no quran reading at all?

and so, i would feel 'stupid' for not 'thinking' once a while.. and then, came aidan showing me his science book talking about energy. 'sifat-sifat cahaya'... gosh, give it to mama.... i guess i did well explaining to him, and i'm sure he could take the PMR science paper at his level of understanding after my explanation. so, alhamdullillah for the ilmu that i have and thank you abah mama for making sure i was well educated.

ok, i've said enough for now.

how's you day?