Thursday, August 31, 2017


Tonight was one of those days - i called it my 'blocked' day.
The day when the ears were badly blocked and I couldn't hear almost anything but noise.
Tonight was one of those days
... the day when the boys would take charge being the mediator between me and ghe mamak because i could hardly hear what the mamak was saying in order to verify our order.
...the day when the kids were saying something and I couldn't hear them clearly and they had to raise their voice and i had to raise mine.
...the day when people kept on repeating what they said and i kept on asking 'apa dia?' and end up either the other person would give up or i would.
...the day i would shed my tears, the most.
...the day when i admitted i am deaf amd couldn't hear and people would just think 'how convenient!'

Malu sebenarnya nak menangis.
Malu kat Allah Yang As Samii
He has given me so much!
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't go through the chemo, radio, weight loss, blood transfusion and so many more.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't look for Him yet or maybe not at all.
Kalau tak sebab cancer itu, i won't be able to stay idle and read thru the quran app and all the ceramah and all.
And tonight, I cry for the blocked ears!!! Just for that when He had given me so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sangat malu
But i know. Dalam surah almulk, ada ayat: waasirru qaulakum awijharu bih; innahu aalimu bizatis sudur - dan tuturlah perkataanmu dengan perlahan atau dengan nyaring, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa di dadamu (Quran 67:13).
He Knows.

I cried for I wish I could have my 'normal' hearing like I used to have.
I cried for I know I am still here with my new 'normal' and I am in a better place.
I cried for I feel the love when my boys gave me the sympathy look trying to tell me "it's ok mama, we know you didn't hear us and we are sorry for making you scream at us"
I cried for I want things to get better but I guess it worsen than any better.
I cried for I am guilty - tak bersyukur.. and so I pray.

Ya Allah, ampunkan hamba hina ini. Berikan aku banyak sabar dan lebih banyak bersyukur.
Jangan golongkan aku dalam golongan mereka yang tak mensyukuri nikmatMu... dalam setiap tangisku, hadir doa memohon ampun meminta redhaMu Ya Allah.

The picture was one of those chemo seasion taken in Dec 2013. I was 'healthy', but fact was the drug made me look chubby. It was called the mooning effect!

This was the drug that killed every bad and good cells in my body. It kills!!

Monday, August 28, 2017

2 minggu lagi

my dear Aidan,

I knew it's been hard for the past these few weeks... i've stretched you out to your max, and you still surviving and allow me to do so..
what an obedience soleh son you've always been, and you will be..ameen.
at times me joting this, i've just completed list of kata kerja for your BM UPSR preparation... it's less than two weeks and i'm all panicked and nervous.
and there you were, following every instructions that i asked you - kalau study, studylah awak, kalau makan, makan lah awak, kalau rest, rest lah awak...
for whatever, please know, i have some guilt feelings for being such a nazi mom at these moments.

you have always been one smart boy. and BM is a struggle.
trust me dear, when i was 12, i didn't even know the different between mengintip and menghendap when i was fact, i am 40 and i just confirmed my understanding on those words so that i can explain to you.
fact is, it's not just your struggle.

sayang mama Aidan, you are worried and i know. there were sleepness nights that you went through and it wasn't easy. you told me, you couldn't sleep. you told me you can't promise the straight 6As. i shut you off.. i told you i believe you could - coz i'm your mama and i will always believe.

sayang, you will get that A and ace. please know, your effort has scored you big time. and that my dear, is all the As you have secured!

and dear mr minister MOE,

what were you thinking with all this KBATs and HOTs? these innocent children are only 12? they started to learn and read when they are 6. no body, even you, speak the KBAT language. and how would you expect them to catch up in less than 5 years? and how could you be so sane to think that every single child is lucky and brainy enough to conquer all the KBATs topics you people are suggesting?

end up,
you make a child hate learning.
you make a child disobeying their parents.
you make a child hate the parents.
you make a child clueless for not knowing the purpose of them need to know the word iram-iram
you make a chile no sense

why did you decide to ruin these beautiful naive anugerah?

mama is ranting.
that's the best, for now.

my dear children,
let's have faith...
usaha, doa, tawakal.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

13 tahun kawin! Love is in the air..wuuhuu

We will be married for 13 years this Sunday the 20th.
Subhanallah... times flies, huh?  Well, obviously!
You told me masa kecoh-kecoh Nora Danish kawin ngan laki dia and they were big hu-ha about them french kissing.."eleh, 13 thn dulu, nyaris2 ada celebrity kawin kat Masjid Kg Baru nak buat gitu gak. Nasib baik pakcik bini dia cepat-cepat potong, pesang, kiss kat dahi je, bukan kat mulut!"..hahahah...melampau sungguh aksi 18SG!

I have so many things to write about us. I want to talk about love, but I don't want to lie.
Yesterday, as I was reading the FB post shoutouts, I came across to one post, a friend I never met, but I knew she's a good person, a good girl with good heart and full of determination.
She has been in and out of love.
And still struggling looking for love.
She is still young, and I know, love will surely come to her, in a matter of time, in a matter of place.
At least, that's my silent prayer to her. Ameen.

Dah tua-tua ni, banyak cerita tentang cinta.

Yang teraniaya kerana cinta.
Yang tertipu ditipu menipu.
Yang tertinggal ditinggal meninggal.
But one thing for sure, no matter how tired, how 'lelah' and 'serik' one is because of love, we still fall in and out of love; because love is addictive!

Harapan kita, cinta itu biarlah yang indah.
Lukisan minda kita, cinta itu harus yang manis.
Impian kita, cinta itu melodinya terlalu amat merdu.

Dan kita tahu, itu bukan cinta.
I've been in and out of love. Alhamdullilah.
and of all, I thank Allah untuk jodoh orang Kemamang ini.
nope, he's not perfect. and who said I am?
nope, we are not all happy and laugh all the time, but is there any couple who do?
nope, he's not a romantic type of a guy who expressed sweet words to her wife, unless he wants something out of it lah kan... but look at me, the best i could think for our anniversary gift is this blog.. hahahahaha... who cares about romantic candle dinner and great gifts...
we are a bunch of people who called ourselves 'spontaneous' but we both knew we just don't give a heck!

Nope, am not going to lie.
We had our fights..
We ended up with apologizing and promise not to fight again.
And then, there we were in that heated battlefield.

but one thing for sure, I love him. I love him, lillahitaala and I love that feeling.
I remembered the first time I called him all the way from Scotland and he was in London.
(ok, here we goes, reminiscing all the courting moments...  takpelah, takyah citer lah..citer tu tak berubah)
and I'm glad I made that call.

Few days ago, he was rushing and honked the rude motorist that got on his way.
I told him to chill.. 'Biarlah kat dia. Kita mana boleh nak dapat yang best sokmo'
"Eh,  I always wanted the best! That's why I have you!"
Untuk couple yang baru tiga bulan bercinta, that will be the sweetest ever.
Untuk couple yang dah lima enam tahun bercinta, that will be like 'aggghhhh'..melting.
Untuk couple yang nak masuk tiga belas tahun berkahwin (17 tahun bercinta), I was sceptical... he gave me that look 'see, I still GOT it' and smile, and I was like 'whatever'..but trust me, deep insideI am jumping for joy and I knew though he seems to joke around, I knew, ada ikhlas dalam ayat bangga diri tu.

Makin lama kenal, makin lama tahu dan masak dengan perangai masing-masing.
I told he was harsh with the kids, and he would respond "nanti manje marah anak2, abang record kasik manje dengar how 'lembut' you are"
I told him he was so berlagak (and I meant he was so egoistic and I knew he didn't pick up that and would argue after reading this post), and he was right to argue "dok pikir salah orang, manje punya keras hati keras kepala tu tak ingat?" and he was not at fault at all.
Gaduhlah macammana pun, one thing for sure, he would still call 'manje'...
The name that was accidentally mocked by my good friend, "acap panggil ko manje?" and we were like "mana ada oi! ko salah dengar lah!" dan lekat sampai hari ini.
I told aivey once "Aivey ni manjelah!".."No I'm not, you are mama! That's what aboh called you!"
maka, sayalah yang yang manje :)

Dulu, I kept telling him, I love him sebab Allah. But I realized, bila gaduh, abis roboh terbakar rumah kereta semua! Who am I kidding..dok kerana Allah tapi bergaduh lupa diri. Sebok dok doa 'Ya Allah teraniayanya aku!"
Hari ni, as I'm posting this, I don't dare tell him that..
But I'm so much happier to tell myself, I love him for Allah.
I realized, I never told myself that before.
And I told myself now, bila ada berasa hati, Allah lah tempat tuju saya. Allah lah tempat rujukan apa salah dosa saya. Allah lah tempat saya pohon kasik abang dan saya lembut hati dan tak keras kepala (manjelah tu).
Itu cinta kerana Allah.
Perempuan ini, nak masuk syurga, mudah yang amat. Taat Allah dan Rasul SAW. Dengar cakap suami. Jaga pakai, makan sendiri, jangan sampai difitnah, jaga aib suami. Itu je!
Bila bergaduh, mesti kita ni para isteri rasa Ya Allah, kenapa aku harus taat pada dia? Dia seorang yang tidak adil!
Asik kita akur fitnah syaitan. Memang kerja syaitan menghasut.
Ingatlah, Allah tak pernah menganiaya satu jisim makhluk pun! Yang menganiya itu, kita sendiri! Allah cakap dah dalam Quran "Wanita baik dengan lelaki yang baik, wanita jahat dengan yang jahat"
Kalau kita rasa jahat sungguh lah laki kita, mungkin kita nak tengok balik mana letaknya baik kita.

Nope, I'm not telling all ladies out there to just comply. Memang ada lelaki jahat yang pedajal wanita baik.

But always believe, Allah Wujud.
Dan semua yang Allah tentukan, pastinya yang terbaik untuk kita.

Suami saya, dia bukanlah maksum, tapi rezeki saya dia tak zalim.
Suami saya, dia tak romantik, tapi rezeki saya dia mengaku " Kawin lain?  Bukan sebab abg tak boleh berlaku adil dengan manje, abang tak boleh berlaku adil kat diri abang sendiri, macam mana abang nak adil dengan bini banyak? Yang sorang ni pun dah serabut kepala."... dan itu dah cukup romantik untuk bini dia :)
Suami saya, dia macam tak 'caring' dan tak cara hal, tapi alhamdulillah.. cukup lengkap perfect semua makan pakai fizikal emotional spiritual saya..dan itu, katanya bukan tanggungjawab, itu hak bini dia dan dia wajib isi semua selengkapnya.

Suami saya, anugerah Allah.
Allah bukan sesaja perintah Nabi SAW suruh ajar kita kaum wanita jangan lawan cakap suami... sebab Allah janji, ikut cakap laki, Aku jaga hak kamu.. Yanf berjanji itu Allah SWT..bukan manis mulut si lelaki itu!


Makin tua ni, makin tetiba tak pandai berjiwang.
Still, till today,
I'm glad that you still hug and kiss me whenever whereever, even when anak2 are around.
I'm thankful that you still the one I want to rant and talk about nothing and everything.
I'm smiling for this feeling of us having each other beyond all

Thank you for the love, the past 17 years and more..
Till jannah..
bukan sekadar lirik lagu ..
Itu Doa!
Jika kau selam hati iniPastinya engkau kan mengertiBetapa sucinya cintakuJangan diragu
Jika kau rasa getarnyaDebaran kasih cinta yang merontaNilai kasihku padamuCukup berharga


Monday, August 7, 2017

reality bites

i have list of pending posts that i'm yet to complete and publish it in this blog, and i still am struggling.
somehow, not working is a work. i could hardly have time of my own, and whenever i could still an hour or two, i decided to just lie down and sleep....

and so, it's August 7th.. o, how time flies!

the boys are done with their sports day. i do have a story to share.

sports' day has always been the highlights to the boys. for past three years, they had done great and brought a medal back home. for a limited opportunity, having a medal was something big for the boys.

this year, it's a 'different' story.

aidan was the flag bearer for the Green House. he was great as a flag bearer. he wasn't qualified for the track-race 100m run as the Green House has enough candidates. This year, the upper primary was lumped in one group, and aimar, who is in year 4 got shorthlisted with all other five students, but not aidan. aidan was okay, but knowing him, i knew deep in his heart, he wished he was one of the chosen one.

during one of  the sports' practice, he told me he was chosen to lead the Khalifah oath, handpicked by the principal. I was proud of him. perhaps I was so proud of him and I couldn't hide my feeling. I told him upfront how proud I was.

on the day itself, as we rushed to make sure we got our best view to see aidan leading the oath, we were surprised that it was not his name that was being called by the teacher. from the audience, i saw aidan was looking at me in his ninja mask. i didn't see his whole face, but i'm his mother. from his eyes, though set afar, i knew he wanted to tell me 'i'm sorry and i'll tell you later'... a year 5 student were given the honour to lead the oath reciting ceremony.

when we had the opportunity, i went to aidan. he avoided the idea of telling me what went wrong. and so i asked what happened. "i thought i told you yesterday that ustaz change the doa and oat recitation to year 5 students" which then i realized that even Musilim who was supposed to read the doa, wasn't been called upon.

i didn't asked him further. i remembered the look we changed when he was at the field and i was at the stand earlier. that look of 'i'm sorry mama, i want to make you proud but i was such a loser'. i immediately consoled him by telling "maybe ustaz just realized you were the flag bearer and he didn't want to disturb that formation on the field" and so he said "maybe".

it's not the matter of who recite the oath.
i put blame on me.
i was so proud of him when he told me that.
it was actually just a school kids sports' day and anyone could recite the oath that they've been recited every day.
but the excitement i showed him, and the confusion on the bench on the day itself, i have made it worst for aidan.
he was not chosen to be on the track-field event.
he was not the leader who recite the oath.
he was just a student, one of them. and he didn't make mama proud of him.
at least, that's what his eyes was showing when we exchanged look that morning.
i just wished i could hug him and say how sorry i was to make him feel that way.
he shouldn't.
he made mama every proud every second, even for not doing anything special.
i need him to know that.

i told him, he was great with swinging and dancing with the flag.
i told him, it must have been a difficult task.

well, it may seems nothing.
he may have grow out of it.
he's twelve and he'll succeed more than what he did during the sports' day.

but i must keep reminding him, never to let any of my kids to feel the way aidan felt that morning.
he might have not say anything, and even if I asked, he might say he was okay.
being a mom who knew her son since the day he was in my tummy, i knew exactly how he felt.

aidan, please know, for whatever you do, i always pray for your success.
please know, you are a good boy, anak soleh yang baik. and for whatever you do, i know you'll do great.
please ignore what others might turn on you.
the least you've done is put the best effort in everything you do, and i know, itu anak mama, muhammad afieq aidan bin mohd ashraf.

mama macam emotional....
sedih gak bila anak mama sorang ni dah start besar dan dah jarang bercakap bercerita dengan mama.
you have always been there for me, sayang.

masa kat kemaman, when i was all alone sebab aboh kat offshore... i have only you. aidan lah mama bawak ke hulu ke hilir.

mak wang panggil aidan 'budak pejabat' sebab aidan hensem sokmo pepagi, rambut bersikat rapi, bedak comei bertapuk. and i will bring you to haipeng so that i could get my morning dose.

aidan anak baik. sekali sekala mama bawak aidan pergi kedai ten-ten, kat toys' dept, aidan will come and ask "boleh aidan buy something?" and you'll wait for my answer patiently. i would then decide either it's the day you can buy something or you would just browse. if i told you, "kita beli toy next time" you would obediently answer "ok mama, aidan go and look je ye"... and when it was time to go, you would just follow my instruction without any attempt to ask for anything. when there were tme you could buy something, you knew it that you could just pick one toy. what you would do is to look at something else, play with it, and when it was time to leave, you would pick something else. i asked him one "kenapa aidan tak amik gun yang aidan main tadi?' and your answer was "aidan can pick one and i want this ball, so i play with the gun tadi and i can play with the ball later". sometimes, you picked and expensive toy and when i told you it's too expensive, you just put it away and picked others. and sometimes, when you got to pick more than one toy, you would just looked at me, disbelieved!

not that i couldn't afford the toys. barang-barang tak berapa quality kat kedai ten-ten tu its way too cheap as compared to toys r us. but i just want you to learn to value money and opportunity.

alhamdullillah, you, adik2 always a winner when it comes to toys and stuff. tak pernah tantrums or anything. senang allah tolong mudahkan mama aboh dapat anak-anak baik.

but deep inside, mama really salut you, abang aidan. you were only three back then!

aidan, you are coming to twelve in four months time.
and you will always be my anak sulung.

mama love you sayang.