Monday, October 30, 2017

The Big 4

I was 40 on 18th this month. My hubby was partly to be blame for me not making it a big hu-ha thing. All my kids have written the big card for mama and yet I still haven't got it till today as aboh still haven't finished writing it! I even told my hubby he could write it later and just passed the card to me. I need to post a picture in the FB.... hahahaha

Nope, not really... It was not his fault. It was neither me nor my hubby not anyone!
I expected it that being 40 should be something big as we've reached another milestone in life..
I expected it to be as horror as I thought two decades ago.
 I expected it to be terrifying as everyone would have described it everywhere... or at least,
I expected it to be one of the grandest celebration to mark me being 40! what with the big 4? I should have celebrated it with Mama! That is what birthdays are all about! I have so many things to talk about Mama. She is everything a person could be, and I doubt I could be like her. I pray, and I pray hard, May Allah forgives all her sins, may Allah blesses her life, may Allah fills with abundance love and happiness, may Allah gives her great health and strength, may Allah bestows redha and rahmat upon her lots and lots and lots of it. Ameen.

Yup.. that is the big 4!

Actually, being 40 is a BIG thing. Allah ada berfirman, Nabi ada berpesan. 40 is the turning point! We pick which road we want to choose. Kalau dunia kita nak, dunia lah yang Allah bagi. Kalau akhirat yang kita usaha, Insyaallah..itulah yang sebaik-baik pilihan.

Mintaklah bahagia yang berkekalan, tanpa perlu meninggalkan kemudahan dunia. It's not about balancing dunia dan akhirat.. It's having more weight on akhirat, but not to let go of the worldly life.
It's sound straightforward, but it's not easy.

40 is the age when we do self reflect.
40 is the age when we audit our self.
40 is the age when we improve for betterment.
40 is the age when we take priority on what matters.

I remember reading one of the hadith on the day of my birthday - to me this is the best birthday gift I had for the day.

Hadith 24: Oppression
Abu Dharr Al-Ghifari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, relates from his Lord that Allah said:
يَا عِبَادِي إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَجَعَلْتُهُ بَيْنَكُمْ مُحَرَّمًا فَلَا تَظَالَمُوا
O my servants, I have forbidden oppression for myself and have made it forbidden among you, so do not oppress one another. 
يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ ضَالٌّ إِلَّا مَنْ هَدَيْتُهُ فَاسْتَهْدُونِي أَهْدِكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I will guide you.
 يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ جَائِعٌ إِلَّا مَنْ أَطْعَمْتُهُ فَاسْتَطْعِمُونِي أُطْعِمْكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food from me and I will feed you.
 يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ عَارٍ إِلَّا مَنْ كَسَوْتُهُ فَاسْتَكْسُونِي أَكْسُكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing from me and I will clothe you.
يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ تُخْطِئُونَ بِاللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَأَنَا أَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا فَاسْتَغْفِرُونِي أَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ
O my servants, you sin by night and day and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness from me and I will forgive you. 
 يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ لَنْ تَبْلُغُوا ضَرِّي فَتَضُرُّونِي وَلَنْ تَبْلُغُوا نَفْعِي فَتَنْفَعُونِي
O my servants, you will not be able to cause harm to me and you will not be able to cause benefit to me.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَتْقَى قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مِنْكُمْ مَا زَادَ ذَلِكَ فِي مُلْكِي شَيْئًا
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to become as pious as the most pious heart of anyone of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَفْجَرِ قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِنْ مُلْكِي شَيْئًا
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of anyone of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.
 يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ قَامُوا فِي صَعِيدٍ وَاحِدٍ فَسَأَلُونِي فَأَعْطَيْتُ كُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ مَسْأَلَتَهُ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِمَّا عِنْدِي إِلَّا كَمَا يَنْقُصُ الْمِخْيَطُ إِذَا أُدْخِلَ الْبَحْرَ
O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to rise up in one place and make a request of me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have any more than a needle would decrease the sea if put into it. 
يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّمَا هِيَ أَعْمَالُكُمْ أُحْصِيهَا لَكُمْ ثُمَّ أُوَفِّيكُمْ إِيَّاهَا فَمَنْ وَجَدَ خَيْرًا فَلْيَحْمَدْ اللَّهَ وَمَنْ وَجَدَ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ فَلَا يَلُومَنَّ إِلَّا نَفْسَهُ
O my servants, it is only your deeds that I record for you and then recompense for you, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself.
Source: Sahih Muslim 2577, Grade: Sahih
This hadith give us a reminder - we live for Allah, The Creator. Not for ourselves.
But on the other hand, Allah don't need us at all.... In fact, He is The One who is giving everything that we want in order for us to live. And all that we need to do is 'ASK'.

Teringat ayat penyedap bahasa masa zaman muda remaja dulu.... "Bila ko nak solat 5 waktu ni Ain? Bila ko nak tutup aurat? Bila ko nak ganti semua puasa2 ko?".... and there's a voice, a very convincing voice talking back to myself "nantilah, bila dapat hidayah".... and one thing that I've mislooked was I never asked for hidayah Allah.. I never made a request.

And today, beyond 40, I'm crying with all my heart out, Ya Allah, berikan hidayah Mu pada aku dan pada orang-orang yang aku sayang. Redhakan kami Ya Allah. Terima segala amal ibadah kami, semoga amal ibadah itu memberikan kami rahmat dari redhaMu Ya Allah. Ya Allah, pada mereka yang yakin akan berubah untuk yang terbaik bila datangnya hidayah, bukakanlah hati mereka untuk memohon hidayahMu singgah menjenguk ke dalam mereka. Sesungguhnya, kamilah makhluk yang menzalimi diri kami bila kami leka dan lalai. Nauzubillahuminzalik.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Anak No 2 Mama

Of all the emotions I had today, I finally cried in my asar prayers for feeling me not being the best mother I could have been.

Hari ni, Aidan went to a backpacking trip at Sabak Bernam for 3D2N of his own, without us, but with his classmates and two doting teachers.
It's his first experience of many.
Looking at the photos being shared; I knew he would have fun..
Nope, am not worried. Am just touched... another sign of him learning to grow up, live life at his fullest, independently.

Hari ni, my hubby picked Aivey a little later than her usual pick-up time. She always was as chatty and complained whenever I was ten-minutes late picked her up. She would nagged "Mama, why did you come late? I was bored you know. All my friends went home already and I have no one to play with".. but not this time. She said to his dad that it's okay if he was late, he just need to try his best not to be late next time. How could she let her dad go just like that??? Ishk! Double standard lah, V!

Hari ni, I saw his face from the school glass door.

 and whenever I look in this photo, it left a mark in a mom's heart.

Cerita anak no 2.
We heard it. We heard it all...the middle child syndrom. Selalunya, citer middle child syndrom ni citer anak tengah yang rasa neglected sebab dia bukan yang first dan bukan yang last.

I am  the eldest of three. Anak abah, saya ni.
Then, my brother is the 2nd. But, I doubt he had difficulty with feeling neglected being the only son, anak kesayangan mama.
Yeen pulak, our little sister.. though she might portray herself as being independent; she has always been anak manje mama abah.

As for my hubby... as much as he denies it, I still believe he is different because he is the 'middle' child. He is not really the middle child. He is the 3rd of 4th. Tapi, the first is a big brother, and the second is a big sister and then came him and his brother followed suit. So, more or less..dia anak tengah.... dan dia 'special'!

Aimar pun 'special'...
Growing up, he has always been the one who I would expected phone calls from the school and I would asked "Aimar buat apa teacher?" though Aidan might sometimes be the caused of the phone calls.
Aimar tak nakal. Never. He has always been a charmer.. dari kecik baby sampai lah ke besar. Cuma dia kurang focus banding dengan abang and adik. Kurang like, he would made himself occupied with lots of things in his brains and he could hardly listen to instructions or observed his environment. Sebab tu, selalu jugak mama punya kesabaran diuji dan diuji. But he has always been a good son. Kalau time dia dengar mama mintak tolong, he would be the first to offer his helps. Masa kat sekolah, ada parents yang WhatsApp mama, telling me to say thanks to Aimar for helping his friends at school. Ada sekali tu, when I dropped by the school, I saw him at the toilet. "Aimar dah habis pergi toilet ke?" "Taklah Ma, Aimar tolong Izz Haikal. Dia ada incident, terwee-wee kene seluar dia. Aimar tolong bagi seluar extra lost & found".... kalau anak lain, mungkin ada yang dah dibiarkan kawannya sebab time tu time nak pergi makan.
Bila belajar, dia tip top. Alhamdullillah. I always scolded him for not doing revisions and never brought back homeworks home. But usually, he had finished his work at school and revisions would take merely 15 mins and he could answers most questions correctly right after.
And he moves a lot. My hubby concluded he moves a lot because he has so many buzzing things playing in his mind. Perhaps!
But sometimes, his moves, kalau tak bagi cedera kat dia, will injured orang sekeliling..itu yang kekadang cepat je mama nak bunyi suara tinggi dari biasa.
Sports - sebab he moves a lot,he tends to have so much stamina and energy. Masa darjah 1,2, sprint memang Aimar pegang. Tahun ni, darjah 4, dia 'slow sikit'... We told him "Aimar dah gemuk" amd Aivey was the happiest person to hear that sebab all this while both abang suka ejek adik gemuk.

Last week was his birthday. He was having his exam on the birthday so we didn't celebrate or do anything yet ..still haven't till today. His teacher shared his exam paper. A picture I must share in this blog..

Tu dia.... Sebesar-besar alam dia nak buat announcement kat teacher that it was his birthday. Teacher Hazirah and Teacher Nadzirah did gave him a chocholate and a nice wafer-rolls and he couldn't be so proud bragging to his siblings "Teacher Aimar bagi hadiah besday".

Itu Aimar... the peak that you see... and there's so much we couldn't see underneath.

Aimar 'rajin' kene tegur ngan kami. He tend to do something before he thinks, that made us never stop wanting to correct him so that dia besar the way he should, the great khalifah.

And today, i broke down for him.

The school had a qualifying round for the Futsal Milo tournament to be held in November, and Aidan and him went for the qualifying last Saturday. The first picture I shared, the picture I took from the glass door, was me not knowing the news.. and him anticipating for the good news. He didn't make it. Aidan did, alhamdullillah, but not Aimar.

Aidan came right up to me while I was kept in the dark. Aimar went to his classroom, not to me, right away. That was the moment, as his mama, i failed him miserably.

I've been putting extra time with Aidan off late due to his UPSR exams, and also Aivey for she had to picked up her reading pace. But I was so laidback with Aimar. He always the one who don't require hardwork and got what he want. That was in my mind.

And he didn't get through the selection.

I just don't know how to react... even until now.

How I failed him? I guess I didn't pray hard enough for him. I believe in doa ibu takde hijab... but I overlooked... astghfirullahalazim... I was so confident Aimar would pull through and I was more worried if Aidan didn't make it as I won't have the motivational speech to give Aidan if he failed. I didn't prepare anything for Aimar's bad news.....

But Alhamdullillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to be there when he heard the news. Imagine if I received the news only when I picked him up from school later in the afternoon. He might have the worst day ever and mama wasn't there for him.

I hugged him... but I guess, at that time, it was me that need the hug the most. Dia anak baik.. always...Cuma mungkin mama yang terlepas pandang, ingat dia boleh buat dan handle semuanya, including heartbroken and rejections. and of course, mama was wrong.

And I guess, this is how my mama and every mother feels when their children are sad. rasa macam nak bagi satu dunia kat anak. rasa nak mintak maap sebab the best we could say 'that's how the world rotates and face it, it's life'. I guess, it's parts and parcels in life. but, to be a mama means you just don't want anything that hurt your anak, physically or emotionally.

I keep on mummed when my mama nagged about me tak makan ubat hari-hari. 'Ala ma, ubat tu, makan tak makan,, sakit tu Allah gak yang kasik dengan tak kasik'.... but at times i'm writing this, even I'm a mama myself, I know what my mama feels when I was sick, lying on my bed in the room, coughing, muntah-muntah, merengek merayu masa Ain sakit and treated masa chemo dulu was something no mama wants to go through! Itu sebab mama hari-hari pesan suruh makan ubat. I know, she would just want me not to fall sick, again...

Anak, kalau mama boleh tukar tempat korang so that you don't feel hurt or heartbroken or frustrated or anything sad and bad, mama nak sangat... no worries.. i won't charge! i just don't want to know i failed and you cried for i don't pray hard enough... please know, i do...

my love, untuk tiga-tiga anak mama tak beza tak kurang tak lebih.
doa mama, just be anak soleh solehah, and be the good imam and isteri solehah, be the best khalifah islam yang pegang pada agama... sebab itu lah jalan nak berjaya, dunia akhirat. insyaallah.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Patience, Gratitude, Sincere

I wasn't feeling as good as usual this morning.
Nope, not because I am sick.. I'm just sad.

I wonder, how can anyone be in position of consistent sabar if she's been pushed so hard to some extent she couldn't take it and just let go.
Is that what the other party wanted it to be? For the person to let go?
Well, if its Allah's wills, its Allah's wills.
If you pushed too hard and yet it is not the time to let go, then it won't happened.
For He is The Almighty.
If you hold too hard and for Allah's wills to let go, no matter hard you are hold, it will let go.
For He is The Knowing.

I was reading the Hadith 40 Imam Nawawi and thought of sharing Hadith no 19.

Ibn Abbas reported: I was riding with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said:
يَا غُلَامُ إِنِّي أُعَلِّمُكَ كَلِمَاتٍ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ يَحْفَظْكَ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ تَجِدْهُ تُجَاهَكَ إِذَا سَأَلْتَ فَاسْأَلْ اللَّهَ وَإِذَا اسْتَعَنْتَ فَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ الْأُمَّةَ لَوْ اجْتَمَعَتْ عَلَى أَنْ يَنْفَعُوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَنْفَعُوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ لَكَ وَلَوْ اجْتَمَعُوا عَلَى أَنْ يَضُرُّوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَضُرُّوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْكَ رُفِعَتْ الْأَقْلَامُ وَجَفَّتْ الصُّحُفُ
O young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to benefit you, they cannot benefit you unless Allah has written it for you, and if the nations gathered together to harm you, they cannot harm you unless Allah has written it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages dried.
Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2516, Grade: Sahih
In another narration, the Prophet said:
وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ فِي الصَّبْرِ عَلَى مَا تَكْرَهُ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا وَأَنَّ النَّصْرَ مَعَ الصَّبْرِ وَأَنَّ الْفَرَجَ مَعَ الْكَرْبِ وَأَنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Know that there is much good in patience with what you dislike, that support will come with patience, relief will come with affliction, and hardship will come with ease.
Source: Musnad Ahmad 2800, Grade: Hasan
 Cantikkan hadis ni.

Daripada Abdullahbin 'Abbas RA katanya
"saya pernah berada di belakang Nabi SAW pada suatu hari, Nabi sebut kepada saya 'Wahai anak! Sesungguhnya aku hendak mengajarkan kau beberapa kalimat:
Pelihara Allah maka Allah akan menjaga kamu,
Jaga perintah Allah maka kamu akan melihat Allah akan sentiasa berada di hadapan kamu,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta, pintalah kepada Allah,
Apabila kamu ingin meminta pertolongan, maka pintalah pertolongan kepada Allah.
Ketahuilah, kalau umat ini bersepakat untuk memberi manfaat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberikan manfaat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah ke atas kamu.
Jika mereka bersepakat memberi mudarat kepada kamu dengan sesuatu, mereka tidak akan memberi mudarat kepada kamu melainkan sesuatu yang telah ditakdirkan oleh Allah kepada kamu.
Maka telah diangkatlah pena-pena dan telah keringlah lembaran-lembaran.'"

Dr Muhammad Rozaimi Ramle explained in brief on this hadis in his book Taddabur Hikmah Hadis 40 Imam Al-Nawawi (Karangkraf Publication).

And to quote the last part "Maknanya takdir yakni ketetapan qada' dan qadar Allah SWT telah berlaku. Oleh itu, segala perkara berlaku di dunia , semuanya dengan takdir Allah SWT. Jika sesorang datang untuk memberi manfaat atau mudarat, dengan izin dan takdir Allah SWT perkara itu berlaku."

And that's how, my dear, we put all our feelings, our actions, our grudges, our complaints, our niat, out gratitudes, our patience, our sincerity and everything and nothing out of ourselves - kerana Allah SWT.

Nak bercinta, bercintalah kerana Allah
Nak marah, marahlah kerana Allah
Nak sedih, sedihlah kerana Allah
Nak beramal, amallah kerana Allah
Nak geram, geramlah kerana Allah
Nak suka, sukalah kerana Allah

For He is why we are we.

Itu caranya.
Kalau orang benci, herdik, marah, sayang, suka, puji... niatkanlah semua kita rasa itu LillahiTaala.

Jangan persoal bagaimana tahan sabar dengan manusia kalau hari-hari diherdik dan dijerkah tanpa usul periksa, dan ditambah pula, bila diperjelaskan, dengan mudah diungkapkan maaf dan menuntut maaf seikhlas-ikhlas dari kita yang dituduh salah sebelumnya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, sabar itu, InsyaAllah, dipermudahkan.

Jangan persoal inikah balasan setiap belas setiap kasih yang dicurahkan kepada manusia yang pastinya tidak pernah setimpal dan mencukupi kerana mereka manusia dan kita juga manusia, tak pernah puas dengan balasan baik.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, syukur itu, InsyaAllah, seindah-indah nikmat.

Jangan persoal busuknya hati setiap insan yang menuduh sembarangan tanpa alasan dan terus yakin dengan kebenaran hatinya yang kelam itu bila hati kita belum tentu suci sesucinya.
Bila niat kita kerana Allah, ikhlas itu, InsyaAllah, yang paling manis menghidupkan kalbu.

Sekali-sekala orang terlupa, maafkanlah
Sekali-sekala orang orang leka, biarkanlah
Selalunya orang marah, doakanlah

Even the longest day eventually sees the setting of the sun
Even the darkest night has stars
And after the night, without a doubt the sun will rise again.
Nothing lasts, not Happiness nor Sadness
Take the days as they come and make the most of each moment
Be patient in difficult moments and be grateful in times of ease
And remember, Allah is with you through it all

Monday, October 9, 2017

Semua Dicatat - Ust Pahrol Juoi

Took some notes on what was heard from the IKIM Radio... sharing it here, and hope it's beneficial.
Jom, improve ourselves.

"Sekiranya kita tidak ceria, 
Mungkin kita kurang memberi. 
Mungkin kita lalai tanpa berzikir dan berdoa.
Mungkin kita lupa bersyukur selalu"

Kata ustaz
>>> Orang yang masuk syurga pun ada kekesalan... syurga ada banyak peringkat.. yang paling tinggi ialah syurga fridaus. siapa yang tak dapat duduk kat syurga firdaus, mesti rasa menyesal sebab tak kerja keras nak kejar firdaus. 

>>> Doalah. Mintak husnul khotimah. Doalah mintak nak masuk syurga firdaus tanpa dihisab.
>>> Doa : Allahumma innaka aafuwun karim
>>> Jangan pernah putus asa dengan rahmat Allah.

>>> Kenapa kita beramal? - sebagai penentu darjat di dalam syurga. 

>>> Kita ini al-fakir, sentiasa berhutang dengan Allah atas segala nikmat yang diberiNya dan tak mampu kita nak membalas segala nikmat dengan berapa banyak pun amalan baik takkan mencukupi.

>>>Kenapa seseorang masuk ke neraka? bukan kerana kezaliman Allah, tetapi kerana keadilan Allah atas kezaliman seseorang itu terhadap dirinya sendiri -- Al Kahf, ayat 49.

>> raqib & atib mencatat perkataan; kirimman katiban mencatat perbuatan
>> raqib semtiasa mengawasi / memantau
>> atib sentiasa hadir

>> iklas dalam beramal
>>Imam Ghazali ada bermimpi; apa yang dia dapat bawa untuk elakkan diri dari kemurkaan Allah - bukan hasil kitab2nya, tetapi suatu hari sedang dia menulis, datang seekor lalat hinggap pada dakwat pennya dan meminumnya. Dibiarkan lalat itu minum dan amalan itulah yang mengelakkan dia dari kemurkaan Allah.

>>> Allah SWT lebih kasih kepada hambanya berbanding kasih ibu bapa pada anak mereka.  
>>> Allah itu bukan sahaja Al-Ghaffur (dosa diampun, tapi masih ada di dalam buku catatan), Dia juga Al-Aafu (dosa diampun dan tiada dalam buku catatan) dan Ar-Rahman
>>> Dia mengampunkan, 'melupakan' dosa kita dan menyayangi kita.
>>> Forgive, Forget and Love
-Ust Pahrol Juoi, Semua Dicatat, IKIMfm