Gosh, I have so many things to tell...
From the moment we waited for the offer, being offered and accepted it, prepared him for the boarding school, sent him away, left him off, visited him, picked him up and more and more.
Way too many to talk about.
Bit by bit.
At times I'm writing this, I just miss him!
Yup, I miss AbgDan.
AbgDan, when you started reading this blog, please know I have so many things to say and talk about my experience leaving my first-born in a place so foreign to me with strangers I know not.
It wasn't easy and it will never be.
They said, times heal.
For this one, I know it won't.
I miss him then, I miss him now.
and this feeling won't stop for they'll be more departure - college, university, work, marriage...
and after you, there'll be aimar
I guess, for whatever, mama will just be mama, worry and clingy.
One thing for sure, distant make me qualify myself as a mama.
Yup, am no good a mother like others (I think!)
I don't bake and I can't cook well.
If any child's favourite food is their mom's cooking, I'm sure the best answer my children could give is ikan goreng.. Aidan even cooked their own telur goreng most of the time.
I don't do deco and their room is a mess.
Well, I can be good in driving them to the futsal / football park whenever, but I guess for that, you don't have to be a mom pun.
In all, yup, I don't think I'm a good mama.
Until Aidan went to the hostel.
One thing about him adapting his new lifestyle, he could be so cheerful and gleeful during the daytime and he was all a downer and cried almost every night.
Trust me, I don't think any mother would want to hear her son crying and sobbing and not being able to be there just to hug him and tell him it's okay, i'm 'here' with you.
It is so bad...
Yup, even after her 12th night, he is still suffering from homesickness.
And that is when I feel the existence of me in his life.
He called and cried and talked things out.
He has always been so reserved and I'm glad that he chose me to let it out this time.
I know, I shouldn't layan him as much.
He was so homesick, and I wasn't helping.
But I guess, I just miss him too.
Three nights ago, he called me up and cried.
Jatuh kena langgar kawan main futsal. Katanya, berdarah tapak tangan. To the extent, the school's warden had to send him to the hospital for an x-ray.
Doktor cakap 'just a soft tissue injury on his jari kelingkin'
It should be very minor.
The issue is, as much as I'm convinced it was just a minor injury, budak-budak main futsal, not being able to visibly see the physical injury is quite upsetting.
How I wish I could still the injury when the next time I see him, though I'm pretty sure the luka will be gone by then.
I wanted to see him this weekend.
I tried convincing my husband.
But my convincing is not convincing enough.
My dear husband was convinced, the last time we sent him off (which was five days ago), he was all good and well.... and we should just let him be!
Malam tu, lama aboh sembang ngan AbgDan.
Telling you to be strong and the man you are supposed to be.
Telling you how proud we are to you and you should be proud of yourself too.
Telling you this is not permanent and not the first time... the feeling of missing home will come and go and there'll never stop.
Telling you the opportunity is now all yours to fill it at your best and you should as not everyone got this opportunity.
Yup, it was a long man-to-man conversation.
I remember that night, knowing your hand were still in pain, I called to say goodnight.
That was the first time in twelve nights, you were holding to your 'strong' old voice... 'ok ma, goodnight, assalamualaikum.'
That was the first time you were all okay and not complaining your usual complain ' susah la ma duduk sini'
That was the first time you were firm .... and keeping you distant like you used to be when you reached 11 years old.
That night, I sleep in tears.
You are letting go, and I'm just scare to face the truth.
Malam tu, was the first night AbgDan cakap telefon ngan Mama before AbgDan tidur and you didn't cry. You said you were okay, though I know you were not. You said you were sleepy though I know you still wanted to talk and wish you were home. You got stronger after Aboh told you.
Mashaallah, anak soleh yang sangat compliance!
You have always been the stronger one, AbgDan,
Just that, malam tu, mama sangat melancholy, sebab mama dah nampak dah, lepas ni, you won't miss home as much.
One day, that wing we groom on you will know how its function.
I can't stop you, sayang.
Time will pass and trust me, time will not heal for I will always be missing that little boy, the mat pejabat who name aidang.
I'm starting to pick up memories of how smart you were as a baby, how obedient you were as a toddler, how compliance you were in your lower primary and how reliable you were when you were in your upper primary. That defined you and will always be in you.
This college life will be another shaping process in life creating the khalifah in you.
We know, insyallah, selagi AbgDan jaga Allah, Allah jaga AbgDan.
just to let you know, as much I hate listening to you being homesick and not being able to be there next to you in a blink of an eye, please know, I myself is suffering too.
I miss you AbgDan.
Aimar, Aivey and Aboh miss you too.
Aimar would ask ' AbgDan dah call ma? Apa citer dia hari ni? Banyak homework lagi dia ma?'
Aivey gave remarks 'why must you sent AbgDan so far away? now, I don't have friend. You, aboh and AbgMar wear glasses and only me not wearing any glasses. If AbgDan is here, there'll be two of us!'
setiap saat, Mama doa abg yang terbaik.
I trust you'll be good sebab kita ada penjaga terbaik, Allah Ar Rahman Ar Rahim.
and just know,
the bond between us remain unchanged by time and distant.
Time may pass, but never one day goes by without you in my heart.
You are not for me to keep - you are born as an amanah from Him to us and we can never thank Him enough for the bless.
They said, to raise a child who is comfortable enough to 'leave' you means we've done our job. You are raised to soar on your own, and Insyallah, you'll do great.
I do miss you a little.
A little too much
A little too often
and A whole lot more everyday.
Abang, no matter how far you roam,
no matter how far apart,
you just know where to find home,
just right there in your heart!
and yes, do come back once your wings are tired.