Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Just Part 4

Just Part 4...No MRSM TAR - Part 4

I'm not sure if I'm putting MRSM TAR in our past now that Aidan is fitting in in Alor Gajah... deep inside, I still wanted a closure for all that had happened.. a closure for Aidan or perhaps, just me being selfish, a closure for myself.

I still wanted MRSM TAR to tell me what was the outcome of their investigation so that Aidan could understand he was not alone and he was not at the wrong, he was the brave one who spoke out! I still wanted those rude boys who texted me and swore at me with vulgar words to apologize, so that they learned, rude is a no-no. I still wanted the parent who made report on us publicly, or at least at the WhatsApp groups of where they had bashed us, apologize publicly and said they were making up stories, bad stories about us!
I still wanted...

Yesterday morning, I got a photo from the warden in his hostel... He was making his morning rounds and I was impressed. Congratulation MRSM AG! You guys are working in helping and guiding these teens boys to grow up and live like a man. Thank you for doing such a big favour to us, the parents. We should be teaching and guiding them, and you took charge. Alhamdullillah. Thanks a zillion MRSM AG!! Thank you Cikgu!

Aidan does has difficulties adapting with MRSM AG. He was so comfortable with the friendly environment from the seniors back in TAR (the seniors in TARs are so good and it was his lost... it is sad this batch was not being guided to follow suit!). He didn't get that in AG. But as we kept telling him. You can't get the best of both worlds. Lain padang, lain belalang. Pandai-pandailah nak hidup, bang. Masuk kandang kambing mengembik, masuk kandang lembu menguak... We are pretty sure what he's facing in AG is totally a different scenario. We can definitely identified him being bullied versus him being a whiner. 

But dealing with this boy, a teenager away from home, taught us to discover our sabar, our syukur and our iman. He taught us a lot while he's learning how to live. 

I got these type of messages for the past two days. Alhamdullillah, two days in a row, dia berdhuha. And he just texted me today telling me he just completed his dhuha for today. You know what AbgDan, bila AbgDan besar and baca blog mama ni, dan AbgDan belum berdhuha sebab sibuk urusan dunia, starts again! You did it when you were only 12 years and 4 months... you can surely do it again when you are 26, 34, 48 and on and on. And not only Dhuha...

 Aidan, do know, I only knew what Dhuha was when I was 33 years old.. Itu pun sebab mama pelik tengok nenek solat tiap kali dia nak keluar rumah gi MARA. Selalu mama ingat sebab nenek lupa subuh... but how wrong I was! Mama sangka buruk dengan nenek.. astaghfirullahilazim. 

Aidan, untung kamu, sayang... baru umur 'setahun jagung', dalam sunyi rindu nak duduk dekat kat rumah... you resorted for Dhuha. Quran pun kamu masih mampu beristiqomah. At times me writing this, you texted me yesterday that you've started reading Al-An'am. Solat, alhamdullillah.... kalau keluar berjalan pun, I knew you would want to find the surau so that you won't missed it. And last saturday, you've slept in surau, prepared yourself for qiyammulail which was an optional activity in the school. 

Allahuakabar. I'm not posting this to write about anak mama ni bagus dan baik. Mama taknak jatuh taraf ujub, riak dan takbur. Nauzubillah. 

I'm writing to remind me and you.... I'm writing to tell you never to do my mistakes and please never stop trying your very best to be the best khalifah for this world and jadi anak yang soleh dan bertakwa pada Yang Esa. 

Mama went to the hostel in Perlis when I was 16. I never liked the place. I could never suit in there. Masa batch mama dulu, MRSM Beseri was the Serambi Mekah.. orangnya alim2. Mama was struggling. Mama ngaji and khatam quran masa darjah 6 pun sebab arwah nenek mama (moga dia diampunkan dosa) paksa gi ngaji. Mama masuk form 1, sekolah st mary, pakai skirt pendek atas lutut sebab mama pengawas. Comei je mama masa tu. Bila masuk Beseri, mama taknak pakai tudung. Panas! Tapi, dok kene kecam dengan senior je, mama gave up. Mama pakai tudung, tapi bila naik je bas nak balik KL, keluar je kawasan maktab, mama tarik tudung tu. Masa wajib gi qiyamulail..mama tak  tahu apa mama buat.. mama pergi, tetibe je orang dah angkat tangan baca doa qunut subuh,.. I was sleeping all the way dari tasbih, hajat, taubat, tahjud.. wallahualam... 

Mama was such a sinner back then. I hate the place yang bawa keindahan dan kemulian Islam, just because I listened to syaitan's orders. I stopped reading quran sebab mama dah khatam and that was it. I fast for the sake of fasting (and I only knew fast is sawm when you and aimar told me in 2014), i wore tudung just to stop people from bitching about me (and that was more tudung after two years in Perlis), and I did so many wrongs. I didn't stop right then. Habis SPM, I got to fly direct to UK. I was no sane at all.. Orang nak bertarbiyah, I ran away. Orang datang nak bertabligh, I shut the door off. And I did so many wrongs and sins. Bila start kerja, nothing changed. I have my own money and that was the life I knew. 'Heaven'!I thought.

and the stories go on. 

sampailah Mama tahu Mama dapat cancer. Masa tu, mama masih liat merangkak nak tutup aurat. Mama cakap kat aboh, 'seganlah nanti orang cakap, dah nak mati baru nak pakai tudung.' and tertampar bila aboh jawab, 'lagi baik nak mati baru nak pakai tudung, dari sampai mati tak pakai-pakai tudung!'.. Pang!!!!

Aidan, your mama is no sane.. no sane at all.... we've sinned and still couldn't avoid sinning as much as we tried.. astaghfirullahalazim. 

Tapi, inilah kasih Allah dekat hambaNya yang hina. Jahat-jahat mama, Dia kasik mama jodoh baik dengan aboh, dia kasik anak-anak yang bagus-bagus, dia kasik mama jumpa bergaul dengan orang baik-baik... Allahuakbar. Alhamdullillah. All praise to Him. Semua yang bagus-bagus ni, pujian untuk Allah semata-mata. Bukan untuk mama, bukan untuk awak, bukan untuk kita. Syukur, sujud, redha, takwa kita pada Yang Esa. Subhanallah. 

I know. You are still struggling adapting to the hostel world. Nope, it's not TAR or AG or anywhere.. It's a change process that you are learning and Insyallah, will steer it well. 

ingat tak last week you called me and cried because you were mad at Aiman, your dormmate , sebab dia letak dustpan berhabuk dekat baju Aidan because you don't want to hold the plastic as you knew he could just do it himself. Mama was defensive at that time. We asked you to go and talked to Aiman. Nope, we asked you to warn him. Masa tu, Mama was so traumatised if what happened in TAR will happen again in AG. I was becoming such a defensive mother. It was me who asked you not to react bila budak-budak nakal kat TAR tu start 'usik-usik' Aidan and I even scolded you not to be too manja! And this time, I won't allow anybody to touch you. I forced you to talk to the boy and tell him your boundaries and you mean business.  Did you still remember what you did after that? You were rushing nak gi tidur kat surau for the qiyamullail, so, you went to him and told him 'aku tak suka apa kau buat kat aku.Next time jangan buat lagi.'And you told me (the day after) that Aiman mintak maaf masa tu jugak and you boys were ok. I asked' Aidan taknak ke letak dustpan tu kat dia pulak?'

Your answer to me made me cry outloud in my heart, "takpe lah Ma. tak baik. lagipun kitorang dah okay. Dia dah mintak maaf pun." Baiknya hati awak, nak. 

To my friends who are reading this post. Please don't get me wrong in reading this post. Ini bukan nak puji diri atau nak naikkan semangat... Ini post nak share untuk kita sama-sama ingat kasih Allah terhadap kita semua. Cari dan cari dan minta dan doa padaNya. Kasih Dia tu terlalu banyak ..yang amat amat sangat... 

As a mother, jangan putus harap. Teach and guide them well. Ajar anak-anak ilmu Tauhid. Ajar kasih dan sayang Allah. Cerita susah payah perit jerih Rasulullah nak sampaikan Islam sampai dekat kita. Bacakan AlQuran yang indah-indah bahasanya. Ajar. Guide. Paksa lah masa diorang masih muda dan mudah. Marahlah masa kecil-kecil ni. Tell them the ideal world and ask them to adapt in the real world. The ideal world of being a great khalifah, towards the everlasting jannah, amar makruf nahi mungkar. 

Kita mungkin tak ada ilmu mendalam, tapi, pengalaman kita dapat jadi alat bantuan mengajar what's to ikut and what's not. 

Jom, kita try sama-sama.

AbgDan, thank you for the lesson. 

Alhamdullillah, all praise to Allah in every single thing that happened. 

Hasbunallah wa nikmal wakil.


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