Thursday, August 30, 2018

belated fourteenth

dang! the date was supposed to be 20.8.18, and somehow, it is 30.8.18 today.
yup, it's true, we do become more complacent as time passes by.
yup, it's true, despite the fact we knew we should not.


so, it was our fourteenth anniversary last 20th.
cerita yang sama, tapi tak pernah tak indah.

nope, we didn't forget the date
nope, we didn't missed it
and we truly acknowledged the day.
i, specifically, told abang, "let me skinned all the prawns in your kuew tiaw as an anniversary gift from me to you."
hahaha
i sound cheap though i'm expensive.
and i did skinned his prawn more often and not just annually.

but i guess, before august 2018 leaves us for good, i just think i should jot a note, for remembrance.
...

so,   it is true that after ten years and above you seems to lost interest with each other, isn't it?
it is true that after ten years of marriage you seems to be complacent and take each other for granted, isn't it?

well,
i don't know.
nope, i do know.
and no doubt, that's not true!
it may seems like we do, but, honestly, i didn't feel that.
should there be any feelings i entitled to feel, it would be everything but feeling being complacent or being taken for granted, or losing interest on him or him losing interest on me.
in fact, if ever, we are more matured, definitely in our relationship!

we are madly deeply ever than we ever thought we could!
we wanted to kill each other when we had our disagreements, just to know that feelings is mutual and for the other party not being able to kill the opposing party, that is love, stronger than the hate!
we wanted to yell at each other, spread all the bad words we can think of, and show that finger trademark pissed off sign... only to notice, it was not just us in the house, but the kids were around, even if it's not nearby.
we wanted to compute how could each other think differently and way too contrary and yet we realized, that the differences that made us fall in love two decades ago!

fact is, 
as much as the general view about losing the sparks and so forth, those are all myths.
it just, the love language used might be tuned differently
the 'i love you' might sound fake (so, what did you do? or unless you were having THAT moment), but we knew how genuinely sweet the
'nah, abg beli kit kat utk manje masa bayar kat mesra tadi',
'gi la tido dulu, abg check anak2 jap gi',
'abg buat laundry tadi, tengah spin',
'abg dah do the dishes',
'abg top up touch n go manje dah',
'makan mana mlm ni?',
'lain kali nak masak gi tau, tak yah masak pun',
'ikut suka manjelah'...
and all those "complacent"sentences are what you need after all this time.

alhamdullillah.
i am truly blessed.
and yes,
abang, manje love you!
happy 14th anniversary bang.
...

tahun ni punya annivesary nak share lagu baru launch this week..
cantik je timing
perfect lyrics

Mr Ragaman (Faizal Tahir)

Mr Ragaman
are you home?
who's Mr. Ragaman?
Mr. Ragaman i brought my sister with me
can you tell us a stry please?

hari isnin kau berkata nak makan lasagna
dah sampai kedai nak tomyam pula
oh my god...
petang rabu nak cendol pula
biar betik...
nasiblah baik mood aku baik

puasa baru nak mula
dah mintak langsir macam nak raya
ragamanmu hanya aku yang tahu

hanya kita berdua kekal sampai tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

makan malam sudah dihidang
kau masih melaram
time tengok bola kau ajak keluar

Ya Allah...
masuk kereta baru gear dua
kau nak balik
nasiblah baik muka kau cantik

bulan puasa baru nak mula
dah mintak langsir macam nak raya
ragamanmu hanya aku yang tahu

hanya kita berdua kekal sampai tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

hanya kita berdua
sampai hari tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua
kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya...

walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

walau gila dibuatnya...
aku sayang padanya...

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Jam Montblanc

Hati sangat tak tenang.
Geram dan marah.
As human, memang kita tahu the feelings is nothing unusual...
Cuma rasa macam kena gak post the story hear...
Nak kasi lepas semua marah
Nak kasi ingat..
Though, no doubt, the best is definitely back to The One...
I still need to vent this out!
...
Í frankly don't know where should I start. 
I am mad a my hubby's friend. 
In times of he is fully aware of our current situation, he still couldn't fulfill what he has promised us, in fact, he topped things up with excuses, lies and b**ls***s.

where do I begin?
citernya mula back in 2015. 
diorang ni dah kawan way back in 2001. 
sama-sama induction masa masuk kerja dulu, and currently he is still with the same company. 
three years ago, dia mintak tolong from my dear husband.. nak pinjam cash.
not tens or hundreds. not thousands neither. 
he was asking for RM15k.
panjang lah drama dia mintak simpati merayu masa tu. 
ada masalah keluarga kena cash instantly... bla bla bla...
encik abang sayang ni pulak, memang jenis percaya kawan, dan kebetulan he happened to have some cash yang disimpan for the rainy days. 
genuinely wanted to help his friend, he transferred the cash instantly, with no guarantee whatsoever. 

this friend of him, lepas annual increment, lepas bonuses after bonuses, lepas claims after claims.. never bother to even talk about the money he owed.
jangan cakap nak mintak maap sebab tak bayar lagi ke apa ke (ok, the first year adalah dia buat citer sedih kekonon kena khianat dapat rating 3L takde bonus)... tapi whenever gaji masuk je, dia buat bodo..krik..krik...krik...

this guy (will stop calling him my husband's friend after this), hidup sangat mewah!
masa attached oversea, memang sakan lah gi europe sokmo. 
bila cable nak stay over sea dah takde, kena deport balik, keje kat mesia. 
rumah duplex kat kondo meeah di Setiawangsa ... ye... yang dah makan harga juta-juta dah value. 
bini tak keje, tapi hebat sangat .. tak main lah micheal cors..ni memang dah set LV, gucci, birkin and not surprising kalau dia ada bijan gak. 
i remembered she once shared the news that she bought a plain silver sterling bulgary ring cost tens of thousands back then. 
anak 2 orang, kekonon tak boleh cakap melayu, kene gi sekolah international cakap omputeh. 
and he is now a senior manager!
kau nak tau baper gaji diorang ni? 
hmm....
as much as I could remember, kalau level manager yang bukan non-technical pun dah boleh cecah RM15k per month...
so, can you imagine his gaji?

ok, here's the deal. 
kami tak pernah heran on his lifestyle.
rezeki orang
kemampuan orang
kehendak orang.
cuma yang buat saya sangat-sangat marah bila dia 'menganjingkan' kami. 

my husband asked for the money he owed my husband. 
tapi, as usual, asal cukup bulan, banyak sangat alasan. 
suami ku pulak, sangat-sangat lah berhemah dan berhati baik.. 
yang jadi naik angin ni is the lady in the house la kan. 
to some extent, i just have to intervene. 
why? 
sebab when my husband asked for his money, mamat ni boleh masukkan RM100 je in lieu of RM15k debt!!
boleh?????
tak ke kurang ajar?
with his never change lifestyle. 
bawak merc
anak 2 orang gi international school yang sorang bayar ada dalam RM3k (kot) per month
duduk rumah juta-juta
tak ke menganjing namanye bila he only deposited RM100 in my hubby's bank?

i am so impressed with tahap kesabaran encik suami. 
even with such treatment, tak satu pun carutan keluar dari mulut dia. 
siap boleh explain,"Abang boleh empathy with him. Dia memang ada issue nak manage duit dia. That's his struggle. Orang lain-lain struggle.. dia struggle ngan duit. abang struggle ngan masa. so, Abang boleh paham"

gosh! saya sangat cemburu dengan my husband's ability to husnuzon all the time!
that is his speciality. 
orang kata apa, orang buat apa, 
he can always reasoned the good things so that now bad conclusion was made based on assumption!
impressive!

so, back to this guy, i texted him last month.
i had enough. 
i asked him to pay by installment bila masuk gaji.
i told him he was lucky enough sebab kalau bank, memang dah kena bayar bunga kaw-kaw, kalau ah-long dah kena besi panas dah kaki tangan dia!

last month, dia masuk tak cukup RM5k as promised. 
mcm2 alasan, but I am not dealing with any excuses. 
orang macam dia ni, dah tak boleh bagi muka dah. 

this month, masih nak kena carut ngan bini suami saya!
stress oo deal ngan orang macam ni. 
he print-screened and sent to my hubby two payments.
dia buat 2 transactions, tapi berturut-turut in few minutes. 
at least itu yang print screen dia bagi. 
katanya masuk last wednesday. 
checked on the atm semalam, memang tunggu kena sumpah lah mamat bohjan sorang ni!
na-da...
nak dipendekkan citer, masa hantar aivey gi kumon, i bumped into him. 
masih mampu hantar 2 orang anak dia yang tak tahu cakap melayu tu ke kumon!!!!
patutkan nak hangin???
kalau kau sengkek sangat, you know what you should do. 
umur dah 40 tahun, tak perlu diajar lagi apa yang patut dibuat!
memang kene çarut lah ngan perempuan sorang ni. 
i can't compute how he thinks. 
so, he gave me reasons and reasons. 
he said he'll be in touch with the bank and he'll make sure the money will go through!

how can i be sure?
that's the reason i wrote this post. 
a warning to him that i do stick to my words. 
i knew that he fabricated the print-screen... apa punye bengong lah mamat ni.. dia ingat kitorang ni umur baper tahun yang nak main scam-scam edit2 gambar ni? 
tuan, saya mungkin tak amik port bende2, tapi saya tak bodoh dan saya juga ada RHB account. 
tell me up front if i am wrong in accusing that kau fabricate print screen payment tu?
kot ye pun nak menipu, cuba jangan nampak sangat kebodohan kau.
so, here's my rant. 
kalau hutang tak settle, 
i can write more, with updates on your real names, whatsapp conversation back from 
 and so forth. 
i can share in public, or best still, i can just sent the email to PETRONAS server... to all the contacts yang I have and be it. 
i can go to KLCC, request to see your boss or even your boss's boss and spilled the bean. 
i can report and file for fraudster. 
apa-apa pun, i have options but stay silent!

so, citer sedih ko semalam, ko dah pajakkan jam montblanc kau?
listen, bro.. 
if this is out in the open, you need to pajak all you got, sebab masalah kau bukan ngan aku sorang!
...
cuba ingat orang tua-tua cakap 'ukur baju di badan sendiri'... 
kau nak susah sorang, nasib kau..
kau nak susah kan orang, kena tengok sapa orang tu..
kau nak susahkan orang sebab kau nak senang, itu memang bunuh diri,mintaknya.

...
ok, not healthy, 
mama sudah pissed
  

Friday, August 17, 2018

PETRONAS - the brief encounter

In my FB this morning, there's so many 'proud'sharing of birthday, anniversary wish and greeting to the success of 44th year existence of PETRONAS.

Everybody is so proud of the company, and I felt kinda weird ... Why?

hmm...

where do I start?
...

I wanted to join The Company even after I finished my SPM. That was waaaaaay back, ages ago. The was 1994. My SPM was not 'as good as I expected' it too be! Back then, I put the blame on abah & mama for forcing me to take Bio as they really wanted me to be a doctor, while I know I prefer account (masa tu la) than learning to disect a frog. So, the result was not as 'flying colours' as I wished it turned out and so my application to be The Company scholar was merely 'try-try nak apply' je. I wasn't even shortlisted for the interview and so I understand. I really wanted to go the UK back then. And I really didn't want to wait for the two-years A level program to be done in Malaysia as I want to go then and then. We opted for MARA.. I was the lucky one sebab mama memang kerja MARA. So, I said lucky bukan sebab mama ada cable. Mama memang ada cable, cable telefon. She was the phone operator since...forever?!.. ingat lagi masa primary school, lepas kelas hari sabtu, gi bangunan MARA tengok mama kerja...bila orang tanya, 'mama kerja apa?'.. I would say 'jawab telefon, sambung telefon.. dia pakai earphone lepas tu dia tekan tekan teet..teet..mara.'Operator ni kira atas sikit lah pangkat dari tea lady tapi masih bawah daripada clerk time tu.. and i am still impressed with mama's number-memorisation skill sampai sekarang. Sebab mama ada access to MARA's opportunity (time dulu mana ada FB semua ni..nak tengok iklan, beli semua utusan, berita harian, the star, nst... hari-hari, baca iklaneka diorang).. I found out that I am eligible for accelerated A level.. buat setahun setengah kat Mesia, pastu fly. Tapi, with the result, I can only apply for accountancy. But then again, time tu dah lambat dah nak tanam rasa nak jadi account... basic bukan ada pun..bebudak yang dapat offer accelerated tu pun sure semua ada background belajar accountancy masa form 4 form 5. So, I declined the offer. Few weeks after that, mama said MARA ada nak hantar budak pergi buat IB kat oversea terus. IB was so foreign at that time. Kitorang (budak MRSM) lebih familiar with A Level instead. Tapi, nak pergi oversea punya pasal, I went to the national library, try to dig out information about IB and A Level. Masa baca tu, panik gak rasa..A Level suruh belajar 3 subject je, IB nak kene minimum 6 subject plus nak kena buat extended essay plus nak kena buat Theory of Knowledge plus nak kena ada social service and activities...hamboi... tapi, masa tu memang fikir nak keluar Mesia je.. and so, I filled in the form, tulis panjang lebar essay about meslef and my dream to the world. I was shortlisted for the interviews, dan dipendekkan cerita, I was selected to join the program. Syukur sesangat. Time tu nama naik kena gi Canada... ha..masa tu Mama memang guna cable suruh tukar gi UK.. I was prepared to go to Canada, though!

Ok, back to cerita of The Company... masa gi UK, belajar and bercampur dengan kekawan yang sama-sama merantau belajar kat sana... masa tu lah nampak 'kasta hebat' scholar-scholar PETRONAS, Bank Negara, PNB, SHELL and some others. MARA ngan JPA ni memang scholar kasta bawahan la kan. As some of us opted to kerja, I was, alhamdullillah, being 'able' to finance myself on shopping and food without kerja... La ni, baru lah timbul rasa bersalah kat mama abah of how spoilt I was back then... duit kerja gaji gomen as an army officer ngan MARA telephone operator tu lah dok support tiap-tiap bulan untuk anak hidup mewah berhedonistic kat UK..uwwaaa!!! Scholars Petronas, in particular, dapat duit banyak... huntung lah saya sebab ada boyfriend scholar Petronas nak ngurat masa final year ... semua dia sponsor... candle-lite dinner, tiket train bla bla bla.. (tapi, rugi gak jumpe masa dah final year...kalaulah jumpa masa first year ke masa IB itself ke, lagi bahagi..hahahaha).

So, lepas grad, balik je Malaysia, terus buat CV ngan copy semua sijil-sijil apply kerja PETRONAS, walaupun masa tu I was much aware diorang ada scholar diorang sendiri! Tapi, kot-kot lah...

It took me ten years to be accepted.

Within the 10 years, I never stopped applying and hoping. Memanglah takde satu pun application mengena, but I never stopped! In the meantime, I was blessed dapat lots of experience, kerja dengan local company Digital Aura was the best experience ever! Sampai hari ni, kalau nak cerita, tak habis cerita. Banyak belajar, tentang hidup, tentang engineer, tentang being muda and all from DA. Bos-bos sangat-sangat pemurah ilmu duit dan masa, kawan-kawan sangat-sangat penyayang tak kedekut kongsi semua...no dengki, none so whatever! Company kecik tu lah yang bawak myself to Iraq, masa zaman Saddam Hussein masih hidup and it was so sad to see view of Baghdad nowadays as compared to 2002. Lepas DA, merasa jadi minah kilang setahun kat Western Digital. Nothing that I learn except kilang is always a struggle! Then, rezeki masuk Penaga Dresser. Lepas kahwin, mintak bos transfer ke Kemaman, masa tu lah belajar pakai helmet, safety boot, coverall, masuk plant tengok apasal lah SVI ni tak bagi signal kat control room.... hmmmm... masa tu pun, masih tinggi cita-cita nak join PETRONAS ..nak jadi engineer yang pakai coverall kuning instead of hijau!Kasta lagi!

isshh... panjang lak citer...
ni baru mukaddimah ni!
aiyyoo

....
And so, I was in The Company system!
Frankly, I didn't like it then
and I don't like it now.

The only plus point with The Company was the gaji (wuuhuu!!! it was 200% increment from my previous company when I got the job) and the bonus (melampau lampau banyak... terus lupa diri masa dapat... kerja 10 thn 'kat luar'pun tak leh sama banyak dengan duit bonus tiga tahun!).

I didn't stay long in The Company. Lepas 4 tahun kerja, I was diagnosed with cancer, and took unpaid leave. Lepas tu, I decided to resign and my husband was the happiest man ..

And so, what did I see in that mysterious tallest twin towers for that short time?

Not as much.
...
This is purely my humble opinion.

Despite the fact that Petronas memang 'partly'accountable to play the role menaikkan taraf orang melayu, agenda bumiputera and so on... it is sad to find out myself, jauh lagi mereka nak capai tu! I am refering this to KLCC sebab I am not being fair untuk mereka-mereka yang kerja with PETRONAS di luar KLCC...for I see how ikhlas and truthfully mereka-mereka yang bekerja kat plant Kertih, kat PMO, kat transmission line Gambang and all. But I didn't see that in KLCC.

I am generalising everything and not being fair to those yang betul-betul nak kerja dan menjayakan agenda PETRONAS nak memajukan bangsa dan negara. And so, please forgive me for that.

My writings are clumsly composed and didn't refer to any facts from the overall picture, but purely from my personal experience.

As I'm writing this, I reflected, and I couldn't see 'kenapa ramai sangat yang so proud wishing PETRONAS happy birthday?'apa yang PETRONAS dah bagi?

Ye, betul, saya kesian kat kawan-kawan PETRONAS yang bila hujung tahun je kena bash ngan orang luar PETRONAS sebab diorang nye bonus dipersoalkan, diorang punya untung kena bagi kerajaan and so forth. That's politic.
But on the other hand, saya pernah kerja dan hanya dapat 1 bulan bonus and increment cuma RM84 anually and I was in oil & gas industries yang masa tu, Alhamdullillah, my husband got a year bonus maka boleh lah bini dia merasa... though kalau tak dapat pun, bini dia dia masih tanggung sepenuhnya!
I remember the first time I got my bonus, I met my ex-colleague and shared with them the news. Kami semua macam tak percaya. Rezeki! But, that explained the Coach, Ferragamo, Michael Korrs and all .. while my friend back then were telling us she finally decided to invested in a RM400 Carlo Rino bag after years and years of kerja.
I remember masa mula-mula nak report duty kat KLCC, and how nervous I could get .. kawan-kawan masa tu was wandering, 'can you cope, Ain?'.... i remember telling them 'i have a lot of baju kurung to wear to kerja!'.. itu pun dah jadi satu issue. Coming from a company yang memang gi opis pakai lah ikut suka hang, we rarely wears baju kurung unless it is Raya Celebration and that was it la, kan! hahaha.. how i love the casual friday.. hari-hari lain memang dah casual dah pun, and then depa pi introduce casual friday pulak.... tell me about it!hahaha

Working as an experienced senior exec in SCM was ...................
entahlah..
tetiba speechless..
I wanted to remember all the good times. but, my brain went blank!
I remember the first 8 month was not so good experience. Most of the staff working in PETRONAS memang scholars or yang memang first adn ever experience kerja with PETRONAS. Depa tak nampak dunia luar. Despite of being proud as part of the Fortune 500  company, I didn't see the 'culture'of 'multinational' 'Fortune500' punya culture.
It was sad to be reminded I was being paid doubled than my previous company, just to sit at the workstation, betulkan typo and grammar orang, buat email bodoh-bodoh, jemput orang datang meeting and all those remeh-temeh things. Sebab? Sebab bos masa tu macam rasa I'm a threat kot.. kerja dari luar, ada experience, nanti kang bagi job besar-besar, dia jadi lagi hebat dari aku. Or maybe, bos masa tu rasa 'ah, bagi dia kerja besar-besar, kang aku yang nak kena ajar, and if she ever screw up, aku gak nak menjawab!'. I don't blame my boss masa tu.. I didn't know if my assumption was true or not. But that was what I've picked up. Lagi pun, budaya blame-memblame ni terlalu banyak, and I can say, after working with 3 companies which 2 of it was multinational companies, I never see that culture elsewhere but in PETRONAS.
Sapa yang buat memo?
Sapa yang hantar salah fax?
Sapa yang tak letak tarikh?
All that silly minor errors will start with siapa than kenapa and how can we solve it!
I remember when I was with my previous company, and screwed up quoting few hundred thousands of spare parts resulting to very low margin by the company. Client dah issue PO and I was panicked. I remembered how my chinese boss talked things over, 'it's okaylah. you bukan malaikat. we are all human... kita bagi je lah ikut apa kita quote. when i go to kemaman, lunch on you!'... cam tu je..
Tapi, kat PETRONAS, kau buat email, invite meeting...kau type 'meeting will start at 10pm' habis lah kena viral..bodohnye staff dia ni.. meeting kul 10 mlm? lepas tu, dapat lak email tu kat bos atas, dapat lak kat atas bos atas, and more... terus lah keluar task force study kenapa staff kita cuai, kena staff kita tak pandai... teruslah keluar memo semua staff kena gi kelas matematik belajar chapter jam... lepas tu, staff yang typo AM PM tu terus kena dapat rating 3L and duduk lah jadik cold storage through out the year, sambil tadah telinga dengar kena caci setiap kali bos mention dalam meeting ke apa ke...

Task force... itu satu lagi. Asal ada isu je, depa buat initiative, buat task force. Lepas tu, outcome of twenty meetings with lavish food, depa decided ' kita hire consultant omputeh. depa ada experience.' Pi hire consultant, consultant kata kena interview staff nak survey dulu. Bila interview staff, dia tanya what went wrong, and how you think we can make it better..lepas tu, idea staff sendiri depa present comei-comei bagi kat boss..and so we propose... ok, job delivered, bayar lah USD1million for the consultancy fees.

Haaa!!! Tepukk!!! (ok, i don't approve that tag line. I hate it!)

As I'm writing this, I am still thinking of one good thing I could see while I was in THAT greens.
And that is a hard thing to see.

Petronas ada gak orang cina, india, vietnam and so forth. I worked with them. And I saw the different, if not all, but mostly.
I saw how struggle a non-malay colleague nak adapt, gi la makan sesorang sebab geng melayu tak ajak pun dia lunch sama.
I saw how rajin a non-malay engineer nak settle kan issue berbangkit walaupun the scope was not bound by him to buat... itu kerja SCM sepatutnya.
I saw how sexist lelaki-lelaki melayu, suami-suami orang, bapak-bakap orang yang memang tanpa segan silu tengok pompuan-pompuan melayu dan bukan melayu, atas bawah atas bawah sebab awek tu pakai skirt bawah lutut!
I saw how degrading pandangan mata staff-staff pompuan melayu bila tengok pompuan tak pakai tudung, pakai skirt, pakai heels 3 inch, masuk surau nak solat.
and I saw a lot of mindset, sad mindset.

Again, bukan semua, tapi terlalu ramai yang macam tu.

Petronas yang saya tahu is full of greed. Greed nak dapat pujian bos. Greed nak naik jadi bos cepat-cepat. Greed yang memang nak bash staff supaya favourite dia yang naik. Greed nak kiasu. Greed sampai sanggup menipu kerja orang dikatanya hasilnya.

Petronas yang saya tahu is full of lies. Nak jujur sejujurnya buat governance, alih-alih ada 'wahyu'suruh ikut perintah yang diturunkan... Nak ikhlas seikhlasnya amik keputusan, alih-alih ada tangan dekat belakang tolong hunus pisau bertubi-tubi.

Petronas yang saya tahu is full of deceptions. Kene make sure presentation power, KPI met sokmo, bla bla bla... how? let's play with numbers, will ya?

Petronas yang saya tahu is full of malays. Melayu yang terlalu dimanjakan dengan kemewahan, hingga terkadang lupa nak cuit diri tengok keliling, apa dah jadi?

Petronas yang saya tahu is so full of who can bodek your boss better will be the next GM!
fullstop, no explanation!

Petronas yang saya tahu is full of perceptions. Mak-mak yang membuyung, harus dapat 3L biar pun lah baper banyak issue diorang closed. Dah asik MC sokmo. Mak-mak  yang ada anak, harus tak score PPA sebab asik EL jaga anak sakit walaupun KPI meet excellently. Bapak-bapak yang balik awal harus takleh naik pangkat sebab banyak duduk rumah dari buat kerja walaupun settle dah semua action items dalam MOM.

Ye, Petronas jugalah menaikkan nama negara. No doubt!
I am proud to see so many successful malays from Petronas.
I am lucky to know lots of them.
But, even after 44 years, jauh lagi perjalanan The Company.
Selagi kita tak mampu nak ubah mindset, selagi itu lah kita jenuh berkayuh bertongkah arus.
Selagi kita masih rasa staff kena cukup 8 jam, kena bagus update system yang dah di invest berjuta-juta, kena sokmo cakap 'cantik beg kasut bos', selagi tu lah kita maintain to where we are now.
If PETRONAS is happy with what the have now, than be it.
Kalau rasa jauh lagi PETRONAS boleh pergi, ubahlah mindset.
Semua orang kena stop judging, semua orang kena start self-evaluating.
Lepas tu, judge diri sendiri.
Kalau rasa memang tak mampu nak contribute, baik undur diri.
Jangan waste rezeki Allah bagi.
Jangan jadikan yang halal jadi haram!
...

But I guess, mereka yang di dalam sana nampak apa yang kita tak nampak.

Bear in mind, this post is just IMHO je....

Ramai geng-geng petronas yang hebat-hebat! Please be proud of yourself!
I still remember how all of you were sad and cried and worried when you guys heard about the news of me being ill. Masa geng-geng citer ramai dok buat solat hajat and all.. rasa terharu sesangat..and sampai la ni rasa terhutang budi... So, jangan disheartened baca post ni ek.

I don't mean you, kind people...
haha..
mindset saya pun sama gak:)
love-hate relationship











Sunday, August 12, 2018

Asrama o Asrama

It has been nearly six months that Aidan is away venturing his new hostel life.
Pegghhh.. rasa macam dah bertahun.. banyak betul 'drama'nye.
Or maybe not much of his drama...

Hari ni, group WhatsApp Form1 dok ding dong..ding dong... lagi.
It's a large group and I don't bother to make any friend from there.
In fact, the first few weeks being the group, I wanted to leave.
My husband convinced me to stay... sebab he won't and if neither of us in the group, kang nak update2 perihal sekolah kang, kitorang tak pick-up lak...
and so, saya pun 'berkorbanlah'...
and the jihad would be not to judge!
but of course, once a while (or maybe most of the time), I failed.

Nak cerita pasal group Form 1 ni. memang 'scary'for now..
Semuanye ambitious..rasa tenang sangat masa ngan geng2 KMS dulu.. takde heran anak score A berapa...group ni..'hardcore'when it comes to exams and rankings... anak I pointer turun.. anak I tak dapat A+ this time.. anak I kene tuition masa outing... bla bla bla bla... memula, terasa gak lah hangat and panik button being triggered... tapi, lepas tu, sedar diri... penat dok didik anak-anak supaya usaha sedaya mampu, dan bila dah usaha, tapi result tak memberasangkan...don't blame yourself. you can only blame yourself if you didn't do your revision... other than that, pasrah lah.. and learn your lesson..mana yang salah, yang tak faham, fahamkan.. after all, it's just exams and grades.
Mama and Aboh memang selalu gak nak anak2 score exam.. Kami kiasu gak bab exam ni. Tapi, bila tengok ada parents yang memang letak nyawa diorang with the result and rankings, rasa bersalah lah kat anak-anak sendiri...
Itu bab exam..
Bab ngomel benda lain, banyak lagi.
Tapi, hari ni I couldn't take it. But I decided not to make any remark in the group.. Sebab? Sebab I don't even know a single soul in that group... and after all, dalam banyak-banyak no dalam group tu, yang dok pung pang pung pang pun just 10% of the community..rasa cam tak berbaloi je nak respond to their silliness.
So, what had happened?
It happened that this coming weeks, we, the parents are supposed to expect our anak to come home more often than they 'supposed' to. Diorang supposed to balik on the 16th and back to the hostel on the 24th.. lepas tu, four days sekolah and kena balik rumah balik. Lepas tu, five days of school and back to home lagi sekali.
The parents issues were
'apasal banyak sangat PB (pulang bermalam) ni?' why can't there be 'banyak'?
'nanti exam... right after PB.. tu yang result teruk tu'  belajar betul ke anak-anak masa kat asrama?
'duduk rumah tak study. biarlah duduk asrama' memang belajar kena kat asrama je ke?
'habislah tidur 2,3 pagi main game' sapa anak sapa mak bapak ni?
'anak i (lelaki) takut nak balik naik bas (yang mmg dah arrange dari sekolah sampai ke stesen). so, everytime PB i kena amik halfday to pick him up. lecehlah macam ni' dah sampai bila anak nak belajar ni naik bas? sampai bila anak nak tak takut? ...good luck lah wahai anak..nanti dah keje pun, suruhlah mak pak hang pi jemput antar balik keje!
...and unbelievably so many remarks from the parents, wishing their anak not to have to go back to the house as often as possible...

cry now!

i know.. the parents meant well.
people has different views and priorities in life.
but, to put the responsibilities at the school, and not being able your to control own born and breed...
isn't that sad????
sekolah nak jaga beratus kot students... anak korang baper orang yang susah sangat korang nak control tu???
what more sad, the idea of not wanting your anak to be around you as often as possible...
i thought there's so many stories of 'kacang lupakan kulit' and so forth being shared, in the social medias, in the drama pukul 7 and so on...
kalau kulit sendiri tak mahu mengaku dia dok kandung tampung kacang tu, patut kacang dipersalahkan 100%?

ada boarding school that I know of, private lagi, yang memang suruh anak-anak balik rumah on weekly basis. anak-anak yang as young as 13 years old. i remembered questioning why?? 'kalau tak balik selalu, anak-anak seronok lepak ngan kawan-kawan, bonding ngan family kurang'... which i totally seconded to that.

I'm sorry.. this may not be majority of popularist view.
I had a bad experience handling family issue since last november.
I realized, in many ocassions, I am among the last yang tahu citer benda-benda... itu pun sebab most of the time orang tak sengaja nak bagi tau.
I realized, people tend not to tell me things sebab they were 'afraid'of my bold and strong-headed words ..which i will until today stand to my own view that i said what i wanted to say, simpan dalam is unhealthy and cakap belakang is something so demeaning and hina!
I realized, i can blend in so well, but I prefer to be in my own world... dari kecik lagi. I tend to isolate myself.. I thought maybe because I prefer to read books than play outside.. yes.. I was not an active girl, tak main netball, tak jadi olahragawati, tak wakil sukan, tak main futsal and all... saya budak nerd dalam family yang pakai spek, yang duduk jadi ketua darjah, yang jadi pengawas, yang dapat hadiah hujung tahun, yang baca buku banyak, yang wakil sekolah untuk kuiz itu kuiz ini...
As much as I tried to blend in in the big family, sekali sekala, I would isolate myself.
I wanted to blend in.
I wanted to amik tahu.
I planned for things... I gave ideas.. I tried to help.. I contributed..
Adik kerja di perantauan, saya propose semua pergi termasuk anak saya walaupun saya tak boleh join in nak celebrate birthday dia.
Adik kematian anak, saya gigih pergi paksa abah and mintak izin my husband for myself to go there and stayed with her... just so dia tak meroyan..
Sepupu nak bertunang nak kahwin, saya gigih stayed up buat hiasan gi beli semua benda-benda..biarpun saya penat...and biarpun bila dah beli semua-semua, ada bunyi lak ckp tak cantik.
Nope, bukan nak mengungkit...
I tried my very best to .blend in'... cuma.. I just got to find out, I can't!
Saya sakit, yang betul-betul jaga bela saya was my hubby, my dad and my mom..
Mak mentua saya, kakak ipar saya ada duduk seminggu lebih teman saya... tapi diorang duduk jauh and I totally didn't expect much from them..in fact, i can still remember mi, mama, abah dan abang je stayed up for me, none others..
Yang lain-lain... dalam masa treatment saya 4 bulan direct, mungkin time datang masa saya betul2 sihat.. atau datang masa saya betul-betul pengsan dan tak sedar ada yang datang menjenguk..and they said they cared.
Nope, bukan nak mengungkit..
Dah lain lak citernye..
My point is, perhaps this feelings of being the odd one out from the family sebab I was away from the family too long as compared to my siblings and cousins.
I was in the hostel nun kat perlis for 2 yearstahun 1993 was the year yang bukan boleh nak balik sesuka hati je dari perlis gi kl...
lepas tu terus 5 tahun gi belajar UK di nun.
memanglah time cuti i'll be home...
but definitely won't make up to the loss time as compared to what others are having....

and I don't want Aidan to have that feeling.. ever!
I want Aidan to be independent and lead his own life.
But I also want Aidan to know where his home is and never ever feel like he is the odd one in the family.
It's not fair to him and not fair to us.
So, selagi dia nak balik, kena paksa balik, Mama will never complain.
Dan selama mana dia nak message mama, ngadu itu ini... Mama will always 'entertain' him in my own way.
I fear the day when he will stop telling me things.
I fear the day when he will find other place are better off than coming home.
I fear the day when he will look for someone else to talk about things and not to mama.
I fear the day when he will think that I'm ok if he didn't come and visit me.
I fear the day when he will be ok not to see me.

Last week, when I went to his hostel, picked him up, and off to Tesco Cheng... it was beautiful.
Just the two of us.
We did his laundry.
We had lunch and talked about things.
He told me about his suicidal friend and I told how what best he could do.
He told me about him wanted to join the rugby team and I gave him THAT are-you-sure look.
He told me about his lackings and I kept on encouraging him.
and I remember telling him 'AbgDan dah kurang berdhuha, kan? Busy ye?'and he replied 'tak gak.. memang tak rasa nak ke surau masa break..'... and I thought that was it. But just to get his 'ma, aidan dah dhuha' on the next following days and the day after  and the day after..
Alhamdullilah.
The 'incident' at Tesco was horrible.
As I was crying for being mad, Aidan came to me and offered me drinks.. the least he could do.
He hugged me when we said goodbye.
And I fear the day when he will never want to hug me again, be it in the public or even in between us.

What I wrote is what I felt and what had happened as of today.

Things could change..
Things would change..
and for that, I will never stop praying for the best..
The best for my anak
The best for my family
Yang kita nak Jannah...
and may Allah ease our path to Jannah

In the mean time, if I've said something and not thinking about others concern and I've judged too fast and narrow-mindedly not bother how others felt, please accept my apologies.
I am being selfish.
As I'm writing this, I just am too tired to think how unfair people has treated others, even their own blood and breed...
It's not fair!

Monday, August 6, 2018

Advice to a Son - Imam Ghazali


I've completed reading the book, Ayuhal Walad (the bilingual edition)  by ImamZaynudDin Abu Hamid Bin Muhammad Al-Ghazali, for the second time this evening.  And just like before, I can never get enough of this book, and despite of a B5 30 pages write-up, I find it very interesting and sooooo in love with it.

No doubt that Imam Ghazali is a wise ulama' and every words written definitely something that I should share with my children.
...

My dear sons & Aivey,
I'm not sure whether you would ever read it now or even later. But, I wish, one day, when you have children of your own, or preparing yourself to have children, please read.

But in the meantime, before I forgot and loss all the ilmu and takeaways I got from the book, I guess it is worth sharing it here.

Bear in mind, it's my own takeaways and my own words from the readings I did. Please don't quote it is 100% from the wise and wisdom Imam Ghazali.
...

The book started with a letter from one of the Imam's student, asking for tips in search for beneficial knowledge as he is completing his studies with Imam Ghazali.



And so.. the words of wise...


Nabi s.a.w. said "A sign that Allah has turned away from a man is his involvement with things that do not benefit him, and for a man who lets an hour of his life goes by in things other than the service of his Creator for which he was created, the prolongation of his anguish is appropriate, and who reaches forty and the good in him does not out-weigh his evil, he should be prepared to meet the fire."

1) put knowledge into practice

  •  if one acquired knowledge but does not practice it, it would certainly be against him 

2) give your best
  •  Nabi SAW said, "Take account of yourselves before you will have to give account, and weigh your deeds before you are weighed."
  • one will not receives wages for what we don't work for
3) the right motivation and intention

  • keep the Shariaáh alive
  • refine your character
  • break the desires of lower self that entices to evil
4) make it beneficial

        live as you please, you are bound to die;  
        love whatever you wish, you are bound to part from it;
        act as you please, you will be recompensed accordingly.

       knowledge without practicing, is insane;
       practice without knowledge, is impossible;
      knowledge which doesn't keep you away from rebellion & doesn't carry you upon the path of obedience, will not keep you away from hellfire. 

5) do not feel secure
  • strengthen the spirit with zeal
  • overcome your lower self, mortify your body ; remember, the people of the grave awaits you. Do not join them without provision. 
          Abu Bakr r.a. said "these bodies are either a bird's cage or a stable for beast"
  
6) perform tahjud, seek forgiveness
  • Nabi s.a.w. said "O so-and-so, do not sleep excessively during the night, because excessive night sleep brings poverty upon the sleeper on Resurrection Day."
  • Al-Isra 17:79 = is an order to perform tahjud
  • Al-Dharyat  51:18 = speaks of gratitude by performing tahjud
  • Ali'Imran 3:17 = is a reminder to do tahjud
  • Nabi s.a.w. said "There are 3 voices loved by Allah s.w.t.; the voice of the rooster, the voice of the one who recites the Quran and the voice of the one seeks forgiveness before the break of dawn."
  • Luqman the Wise said, "O son, let not the rooster be smarter than you, as he calls (his Lord) at predawn while you are still asleep."
 7) Obedience and worship
  • follow the Law in its orders and prohibitions in words and deeds.
8) lose tongue and heart filled with recklessness and sensuality are signs of great misfortunes
  • kill your lower self by the sincerity of self-castigation (self-reprimand) or your heart will never be revived by the light of gnosis (ma'rifah)
9) Ihya Úlum ud Din; Revival of the Religious Sciences
  1. correct belief in the fundamental dogma (teaching)
  2. sincere repentence
  3. satisfying all legal opponents until no one has anymore rightful claim against you
  4. acquisition of knowledge of the Law
10) You don't need excessive knowledge
  • knowledge to comply with commandments of Allah s.w.t. and essential for survival suffices.
  • Nabi s.a.w. advised: 
    • Let your actions with regards to your worldly life be in accordance with your position therein; 
    • Let your actions with regards to your afterlife be in accordance with your permanence in it;
    • Let your actions in relation to Allah s.w.t. be in accordance with your need of Him;
    • Let your action in relation with fire be in accordance with your tolerance of it.
11) seek knowledge from a master. 
  • have a master as a guide and a guardian'
  • removes bad characters with noble qualities
  • true master - shuns the love of the world, follower of an enlightened person, excellent characters
  • good disciple - refrain from arguing, respect, follow instructions
12) have a good character towards mankind
  • in order to achieve your desires, do not burden others
  • burden yourself to gratify wishes of others
13)Úbudduyyah - spiritual bondage
  • upholding the dictated Laws
  • acceptance in destiny and the divine decree & allotment by Allah s.w.t.
  • abandonment of self-gratification
14) tawakkal - reliance
  • to fortify and make firm of your belief in Allah s.w.t.
15) ikhlas - purity of devotion
  • all actions are solely for Allah s.w.t.
  • no hypocrasy
16) do not ask before the time is right and be certain that you will not reach (your goal) unless you set out on your own journey

17) sacrifice one soul

18) do not enter into debate; 
  • if controversy arises and your intention is to bring to light the truth and not let it be trampled upon; argument in permissible, but
    • bear in mind, in argument, you are indifferent i.e. no one started with being right or wrong, either ourselves or the other party
    • discuss in privacy
  • ignorant are sickness and ignorant people are the sick while men of knowledge are the doctor; avoid arguing with ignorant people, who are
    • ignorant from ones envy and hatred; Nabi s.a.w. said "envy eats away good deeds, just as fire consumes firewood."
    • ignorant from foolishness, doesn't even know and understand the problem before debating
    • ignorant from people seeking guidance but doesn't understand/comprehend realities of the given answers from the wise i.e. understand the problem, but not the given solution; Nabi s.a.w. said "we, the community of prophets were ordered to speak to the people according to their intellectual capacity."
    • ignorant from the right intention
19) beware of becoming a preacher
  • guard yourself against expression by rhetoric (persuasive) speaking, dramatization, exaggeration, mockery. Allah s.w.t. dislikes ostentious (showing-off) person.
  • enlightening people
  • keep reminding to do good and avoid bad/evil doings
20) do not associate one with rulers / kings

21) do not accept anything offered by the rulers

22) be the best slave in dealings with Allah s.w.t. - please Him.

23) deal with people the way you want to be deal with

24) know that knowledge uplifts your heart and purifies yourself.

25) do not hoard more of worldly provisions.

...
Ash-Shaqiq Al Balkhi asked Hatim Al Assam "you have been in my company for 30 years, what have you acquired during the time?"

Hatim Al Assam replied with takeaways summed up below:
  1. ..."the best beloved of a man would be the one that enters his grave with him and gives him company, and I did not find any such lover, other than RIGHTEOUS DEEDS. Hence, I made them my loved ones..."
  2. ... "I hastened to oppose my lower self and set out briskly to fight it, and to deny its desires until it was trained in the obedience of Allah s.w.t. and submitted..."
  3.  ... "I gave a way my worldly possessions for the sake of Allah s.w.t. and distributed the, among the destite, in order that it may be provision for me in store with Allah s.w.t...."
  4. ..."fear Allah and I was certain that the Qurán is a reality and true, and all of people's concepts and assessments were vain and evanescent..."
  5. ..."do not envy anybody and contented myself with the lot that Allah s.w.t. had decreed for me..."
  6. ..."it is not proper to have enmity (hostility) with anyone except Syaitan..."
  7. ..."my sustenance is taken care of by Allah s.w.t. which He has vouched for. Thus I engaged myself in serving and worshipping Him..."
  8. ..."I put my trust in Allah and He suffices me and He is the best patron..."
...
May our jihad in searching for ilmu would be beneficial not only to us, but to the people surrounding us, to the ummah, to the world... and may it be our provisions on the Judgement Day.Ameen Ya Rabbal Al- ameen