Sunday, August 12, 2018
Asrama o Asrama
Pegghhh.. rasa macam dah bertahun.. banyak betul 'drama'nye.
Or maybe not much of his drama...
Hari ni, group WhatsApp Form1 dok ding dong..ding dong... lagi.
It's a large group and I don't bother to make any friend from there.
In fact, the first few weeks being the group, I wanted to leave.
My husband convinced me to stay... sebab he won't and if neither of us in the group, kang nak update2 perihal sekolah kang, kitorang tak pick-up lak...
and so, saya pun 'berkorbanlah'...
and the jihad would be not to judge!
but of course, once a while (or maybe most of the time), I failed.
Nak cerita pasal group Form 1 ni. memang 'scary'for now..
Semuanye ambitious..rasa tenang sangat masa ngan geng2 KMS dulu.. takde heran anak score A berapa...group ni..'hardcore'when it comes to exams and rankings... anak I pointer turun.. anak I tak dapat A+ this time.. anak I kene tuition masa outing... bla bla bla bla... memula, terasa gak lah hangat and panik button being triggered... tapi, lepas tu, sedar diri... penat dok didik anak-anak supaya usaha sedaya mampu, dan bila dah usaha, tapi result tak memberasangkan...don't blame yourself. you can only blame yourself if you didn't do your revision... other than that, pasrah lah.. and learn your lesson..mana yang salah, yang tak faham, fahamkan.. after all, it's just exams and grades.
Mama and Aboh memang selalu gak nak anak2 score exam.. Kami kiasu gak bab exam ni. Tapi, bila tengok ada parents yang memang letak nyawa diorang with the result and rankings, rasa bersalah lah kat anak-anak sendiri...
Itu bab exam..
Bab ngomel benda lain, banyak lagi.
Tapi, hari ni I couldn't take it. But I decided not to make any remark in the group.. Sebab? Sebab I don't even know a single soul in that group... and after all, dalam banyak-banyak no dalam group tu, yang dok pung pang pung pang pun just 10% of the community..rasa cam tak berbaloi je nak respond to their silliness.
So, what had happened?
It happened that this coming weeks, we, the parents are supposed to expect our anak to come home more often than they 'supposed' to. Diorang supposed to balik on the 16th and back to the hostel on the 24th.. lepas tu, four days sekolah and kena balik rumah balik. Lepas tu, five days of school and back to home lagi sekali.
The parents issues were
'apasal banyak sangat PB (pulang bermalam) ni?' why can't there be 'banyak'?
'nanti exam... right after PB.. tu yang result teruk tu' belajar betul ke anak-anak masa kat asrama?
'duduk rumah tak study. biarlah duduk asrama' memang belajar kena kat asrama je ke?
'habislah tidur 2,3 pagi main game' sapa anak sapa mak bapak ni?
'anak i (lelaki) takut nak balik naik bas (yang mmg dah arrange dari sekolah sampai ke stesen). so, everytime PB i kena amik halfday to pick him up. lecehlah macam ni' dah sampai bila anak nak belajar ni naik bas? sampai bila anak nak tak takut? ...good luck lah wahai anak..nanti dah keje pun, suruhlah mak pak hang pi jemput antar balik keje!
...and unbelievably so many remarks from the parents, wishing their anak not to have to go back to the house as often as possible...
i know.. the parents meant well.
people has different views and priorities in life.
but, to put the responsibilities at the school, and not being able your to control own born and breed...
isn't that sad????
sekolah nak jaga beratus kot students... anak korang baper orang yang susah sangat korang nak control tu???
what more sad, the idea of not wanting your anak to be around you as often as possible...
i thought there's so many stories of 'kacang lupakan kulit' and so forth being shared, in the social medias, in the drama pukul 7 and so on...
kalau kulit sendiri tak mahu mengaku dia dok kandung tampung kacang tu, patut kacang dipersalahkan 100%?
ada boarding school that I know of, private lagi, yang memang suruh anak-anak balik rumah on weekly basis. anak-anak yang as young as 13 years old. i remembered questioning why?? 'kalau tak balik selalu, anak-anak seronok lepak ngan kawan-kawan, bonding ngan family kurang'... which i totally seconded to that.
I'm sorry.. this may not be majority of popularist view.
I had a bad experience handling family issue since last november.
I realized, in many ocassions, I am among the last yang tahu citer benda-benda... itu pun sebab most of the time orang tak sengaja nak bagi tau.
I realized, people tend not to tell me things sebab they were 'afraid'of my bold and strong-headed words ..which i will until today stand to my own view that i said what i wanted to say, simpan dalam is unhealthy and cakap belakang is something so demeaning and hina!
I realized, i can blend in so well, but I prefer to be in my own world... dari kecik lagi. I tend to isolate myself.. I thought maybe because I prefer to read books than play outside.. yes.. I was not an active girl, tak main netball, tak jadi olahragawati, tak wakil sukan, tak main futsal and all... saya budak nerd dalam family yang pakai spek, yang duduk jadi ketua darjah, yang jadi pengawas, yang dapat hadiah hujung tahun, yang baca buku banyak, yang wakil sekolah untuk kuiz itu kuiz ini...
As much as I tried to blend in in the big family, sekali sekala, I would isolate myself.
I wanted to blend in.
I wanted to amik tahu.
I planned for things... I gave ideas.. I tried to help.. I contributed..
Adik kerja di perantauan, saya propose semua pergi termasuk anak saya walaupun saya tak boleh join in nak celebrate birthday dia.
Adik kematian anak, saya gigih pergi paksa abah and mintak izin my husband for myself to go there and stayed with her... just so dia tak meroyan..
Sepupu nak bertunang nak kahwin, saya gigih stayed up buat hiasan gi beli semua benda-benda..biarpun saya penat...and biarpun bila dah beli semua-semua, ada bunyi lak ckp tak cantik.
Nope, bukan nak mengungkit...
I tried my very best to .blend in'... cuma.. I just got to find out, I can't!
Saya sakit, yang betul-betul jaga bela saya was my hubby, my dad and my mom..
Mak mentua saya, kakak ipar saya ada duduk seminggu lebih teman saya... tapi diorang duduk jauh and I totally didn't expect much from them..in fact, i can still remember mi, mama, abah dan abang je stayed up for me, none others..
Yang lain-lain... dalam masa treatment saya 4 bulan direct, mungkin time datang masa saya betul2 sihat.. atau datang masa saya betul-betul pengsan dan tak sedar ada yang datang menjenguk..and they said they cared.
Nope, bukan nak mengungkit..
Dah lain lak citernye..
My point is, perhaps this feelings of being the odd one out from the family sebab I was away from the family too long as compared to my siblings and cousins.
I was in the hostel nun kat perlis for 2 yearstahun 1993 was the year yang bukan boleh nak balik sesuka hati je dari perlis gi kl...
lepas tu terus 5 tahun gi belajar UK di nun.
memanglah time cuti i'll be home...
but definitely won't make up to the loss time as compared to what others are having....
and I don't want Aidan to have that feeling.. ever!
I want Aidan to be independent and lead his own life.
But I also want Aidan to know where his home is and never ever feel like he is the odd one in the family.
It's not fair to him and not fair to us.
So, selagi dia nak balik, kena paksa balik, Mama will never complain.
Dan selama mana dia nak message mama, ngadu itu ini... Mama will always 'entertain' him in my own way.
I fear the day when he will stop telling me things.
I fear the day when he will find other place are better off than coming home.
I fear the day when he will look for someone else to talk about things and not to mama.
I fear the day when he will think that I'm ok if he didn't come and visit me.
I fear the day when he will be ok not to see me.
Last week, when I went to his hostel, picked him up, and off to Tesco Cheng... it was beautiful.
Just the two of us.
We did his laundry.
We had lunch and talked about things.
He told me about his suicidal friend and I told how what best he could do.
He told me about him wanted to join the rugby team and I gave him THAT are-you-sure look.
He told me about his lackings and I kept on encouraging him.
and I remember telling him 'AbgDan dah kurang berdhuha, kan? Busy ye?'and he replied 'tak gak.. memang tak rasa nak ke surau masa break..'... and I thought that was it. But just to get his 'ma, aidan dah dhuha' on the next following days and the day after and the day after..
The 'incident' at Tesco was horrible.
As I was crying for being mad, Aidan came to me and offered me drinks.. the least he could do.
He hugged me when we said goodbye.
And I fear the day when he will never want to hug me again, be it in the public or even in between us.
What I wrote is what I felt and what had happened as of today.
Things could change..
Things would change..
and for that, I will never stop praying for the best..
The best for my anak
The best for my family
Yang kita nak Jannah...
and may Allah ease our path to Jannah
In the mean time, if I've said something and not thinking about others concern and I've judged too fast and narrow-mindedly not bother how others felt, please accept my apologies.
I am being selfish.
As I'm writing this, I just am too tired to think how unfair people has treated others, even their own blood and breed...
It's not fair!