Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Keeping the distance

I always wanted to write something about relationship adik-beradik..
I wanted to write a long note, a book, if I should.
just to dedicate it to my beloved Aidan, Aimar, Aivey.
But, to-date, I am just not that strong big sister who had undergone 8 cycles of chemo and 33 cycles of burnt radiotherapy. I am just not that strong daughter who had undergone a drastic 20kg weight loss in 4 months, a girl who lost her taste for nearly a year, who girl who still couldn't hear as much even after 5 years and will chocked in the middle of the night because of the dryness in her throat..
I can bear all those, but I still couldn't write about what had been going on for the past 12 months between me and my siblings and cousins.
We were so closed that we've lost it in the middle of the road.
Sometimes, I took charge of all the blame.
But on the other times, I wonder, why must I?
...
I never put a stop in my prayers.
I believe.
Insyaallah, I have no ill-intentions, and the road we are heading is where Allah wants us to be.
...
Aidan is off for the school holidays two weeks earlier than the public school.
Untung budak MRSM, cuti awal.

He got more 'kasar' with his siblings.
We tried hard to warn him.
'Jaga bahasa'
'Jaga adab'
'Set your benchmark right, you are the examples to adik-adik.'
To some extend, we told him 'you are big enough what is good and what is bad. foul language is never to be use around the family. we can't stop you when you are with your friends, but you are not bring in bad adab in the house!'

Struggle sungguh bila anak ni dah besar dan besar dan besar..
Aduhai!
I wonder if I was that difficult when I was thirteen!
I always remember how obedience I was when I was 13.
I remember the first love letter I received dari budak MBS.
Budak tu sngat tak hensem dan sangat nakal masa dalam bas.
But I guess, sebab tu bila naik bas ada je tempat kosong for me, member dah reserved awal-awal.. but I was being oblivious lah kan.
Masa dapat surat tu, terus realized this was a good opportunity for me to tell abah to allow me to take the public bus instead of the school bus... sebabnya, bas tu ada budak lelaki dok kacau!
I passed the letter to abah to read.
And I told abah, if I join the other friends naik public bus (bas mini 44, bas mini 20 or bas mini 10 and bassrijaya 17), takde budak MBS nak kacau, sebab the route memang untuk ke St Mary je.
Ntah cammana, abah bought in my idea.
Anyway, I was genuinely being obedient.
I wonder if Aivey would share her first love letter she received with me.. I will tell her to do so :)

So, back to Aidan.. dah berbulan duduk serama...
Dia jadi the ghetto boy!
Ghetto sangatlah kan... dia tak kenal hebat mama aboh dulu.. saje mama aboh takmo bukak citer!
Bahasa dia kasar..
Too harsh to be used between adik-adik.
Till one day, my husband had it enough, giving him a strict pep talk about the house rules.
Sebab dia dah besar, aboh suruh dia pikir... 'How are you going to be not harsh with adik-adik?'
His answer surprised us.

"Keep my distance. Kurangkan komunikasi"

Allahuakbar..
AbgDan, masa aboh citer kat mama jawapan awak, mama nangis sebak sangat.
Dalam hati meronta-ronta meraung-raung, what is happening.

As Aboh told you, itu dah jatuh dosa!
Nabi takmo mengaku umat!!
Allahu nauzubika.

Of all, I had it bad with less communication.
Yup, perhaps, by not much communication, we don't hurt people as much and people don't hurt us much, too.
But, NOPE! NADA! NEVER!
Don't ever think of that!
Not in our family!
Not us!
Of all, you've witnessed it the bad way how horrible things have been with people trying to reduce and cut the communication.
People is big enough to think and judge.
Kita doakan yang baik je.
But you, adik-adik, mama, aboh.. we are family.
Itu je yang mama ada.
Jadi, itu aje yang mama mintak.
Sampai mama mati habis hayat..
Even lepas mama mati dan habis hayat..
Berasa hati macam mana pun awak bertiga sesama sendiri, berasa hati dengan ipar biras semua..
Selesaikan cara baik.
Explain apa tak kena.
Jangan buat senyap.
Bila dah explain, kalau orang tak faham, pikirlah what's best.
Bila takde explanation, jangan main buat own assumption. You know that assume is making an ASS out of yoU and ME!
Why you need to explain, supaya kalau ada salah faham, boleh dikasi faham; supaya kalau betul berasa hati, lepas ni orang tak buat lagi (kalau tak explain orang tak tahu); supaya jagan lepas 10 tahun baru nak mengungkit...
Takdenye konsep external force...
Ingat doa mama hari-hari..
Mama mintak bukan takat anak-anak.. mama nak anak-anak dan zuriat kami jadi soleh solehah, menegakkan amar makruf nahi mungkar.
As I'm writing this, I want you, Aimar and Aivey know... galas permintaan mama aboh.
Didik lah zuriat kalian jadi soleh solehah.
Kami didik kalian menjadi soleh solehah.
...
Peribahasa melayu cakap, air dicencang takkan putus.
Orang melayu lupa, ais itu, air juga.. dan bila dicencang, ia mampu terputus.
Jangan kalian jadi ais, keras membeku menyejukkanna.
Jadi air yang mengalir, soothing and calming.

Ok, mama suck in Bahasa!
But what the heck.. just remember, love each other, endlessly.








No comments:

Post a Comment