Tadi dalam kete, Abg was telling me, 'tadi dengar bunyi ambulance dok hon.. mesti orang tak alert!'
It has always been our concern while on the road, worrying and getting angry with those ignorance bila ada siren ambulances and fire engines.. payah betul nak respond dengan betul.
However, that was not what I wanted to write about tonight.
Yang nak citer sekarang ni, 'rasa' dalam jiwa yang tak tahu apa rasa.
I didn't hear the siren. Abang was telling me he was at the restaurant's counter paying for the food when he heard the honks. I was at the table, which was supposed to be nearer to the roadside instead of Abang. I couldn't hear a thing. A siren? Honks? I didn't even hear the traffic!!!
Tadi siang, tetibe my left ears (which usually is ok) was blocked like nobody's business. Blocked tak macam biasa. And my voice became hoarser. Last few months, telinga kanan ni dok kekadang filled with blood.. ntah datang dari mana, ngak tahu. Last month, suara ada hilang sekejap masa gi Ipoh... tadi kejap je lah..
Teringat masa mula-mula doktor diagnosed me with nasal cancer, NPC (sekarang dah ada Dato' Lee Chong Wei satu geng NPC). It didn't get overnight until I was told I got cancer. It was nose bleed, suara hilang and lump getting bigger and more lumps around the neck after few months. It didn't hurt. And that what made it worst.
Lepas 5 cycle of chemo and 33 cycle of radiotheraphy, after 15kg weight loss and 5 pints strangers' blood in my body, we pulled it through. Doctor kata, dalam cancer treatment, lepas dah settle semua, dah check cancer dah tak active, the patients are in the 'remission' phase. For my case, doctor kata, kalau lepas 5 thn ok je, makna takde relapse and ok lah sikit..though doctor tak guarantee it. Depa bukan Tuhan pun. It's gonna be my fifth year being diagnosed as a cancer patient this November. My first chemo was on the first week of December 2013 and completed them in April 2014. Tak tahu doctor kira 5 tahun tu dari lepas habis treatment ke, dari lepas scan bila dah habis ke (which was not immediately after the treatment) or lepas being diagnosed right away.
...
Tak dengar siren.
Usually, i'll get all emotional and cried over this. I'll cry all out, refused to talk to Abg or the kids, refused to say anything or respond with everything.
Hari ni, am getting that feeling.
But i cound't shed tears. Alhamdullillah.
Truth is, I miss my 'old' hearing capability.
I missed listening to things that 'normal'people would hear.
Kekadang berasa hati gak bila abg or anak-anak tanye, 'mama tak dengar eh bunyi tu?' They meant well. Not to mock, but to verify. Bila cakap tak dengar, they would describe the sound and so I can imagine how it was like.
And yes, I miss hearing and listening to things others 'should'be able to listen.
Dah 5 tahun.. and I still have faith I would recover. Kalau tak pun, pegang ayat Allah, la-yu-kal-li-ful-la-hu naf-san i-la wus-'a-ha.... Allah tahu I can withstand this test.. else, He won't be testing me with such. selama tak dengar ni, selama kita redha dan doa kat Dia, insyaallah.. Dia takkan aniaya kita..Cara indah Dia berbicara, nak hapuskan dosa-dosa yang terlalu banyak yang kita dah kumpul....
Tadi, sungguh...
jauh dalam-dalam hati ni
rindu nak dengar mcm dulu-dulu.
...
Relapse.
Kalau cancer datang balik, macam mana yek?
Tadi Abg terus shut off my conversation.. the word 'kalau' tu, Nabi SAW dah ajar dah kat kita..perkataan yang Allah tak suka, perkataan syaitan.
Tapi, dalam hati bergelodak gak nak pikir, apa jadi kalau?
Dok pikir, sanggup ke nak chemo and radio balik? Nak turun berat baper kg lagi? Kalau sekarang dah 42kg, tolak 15kg, apa yang tinggal? Air liur takde? Lidah perit? Telinga tak dengar? Muntah tak sudah?.... and the list goes on...
Anak-anak nak exam besar tahun depan.Aimar nak amik UPSR, Aidan nak amik IGCSE Checkpoint. Kalau mama sakit balik, macam mana? Boleh tak nak buat treatment bila settle anak-anak semua?
And also, masih tak tercapai lagi hajat nak gi tunaikan haji, nak duduk berwukuf masam-masam tak mandi dan menangis di arafah, berhimpit-himpit lontar batu di jamrah, bertawaf bersaie... tak puas lagi nak duduk lelama kat masjid Nabi SAW nak baca quran je sepanjang-panjang kat sana...
Yes, kita orang Islam, tak boleh dan tak patut berkalau.
Semua Allah dah tentukan.
Tak semestinya kita buat donna jer berserah... bila ada keperluan, usaha itu wajib.
Husnuzon.
Sangka baik dengan Maha Pencipta.
Settlekan lah semua hutang-hutang dengan manusia dan dengan Allah sementara ada kesempatan dan kudrat.
Jangan nak mellow tak tentu pasal.
...
And yes,
To those that I've hurt, please forgive me.
Please know I have so much sins hutang dekat Allah... I couldn't bear my sins to you.
Kalau betul ada dosa yang memang tak boleh dimaafi, khabarkan lah.. kita bawak bincang.
Kena lalui 2 kali chemo pun rasa macam tak mampu... mcm mana lah nak tanggung azab Allah nanti...
Allahuakhbar.
Moga Allah terima segala amalan kita.
Moga redha Dia dapat kita kecapi.
Sama-sama kita.
Ameen..
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