It is personal

I did something that is soooo hard for me to swallow today.
I am no noble, but, today, I prayed in my prayers for Allah to forgive those who hate us.
I usually asked for a 'blanket' prayers "oh Allah, please forgive those we hate".
But today, I specifically mentioned their names.
They hate us so much that they cut off totally.
They invited everyone but us. Not the first time, though.
I always blame myself for what had happened.
I always ask for Allah's forgiveness to forgive us as I always believe that we are the one that cut ties.
We stand for our rights wanted to know why they hate us so much, that they had to bring out all those hatred that they kept for the past five, ten years... and maybe more.
Earlier this month, people whom I thought I love, were screaming at me, yelling..
Telling to go away.
Yup, they did
They asked me to go away.
"Pergi! Balik!"
Those words were too harsh coming from people I thought I know all my life.
And silly me, I didn't go back,
I didn't go back because I didn't want to be the one who Allah's be mad at and I don't want to hurt our beloved Prophet SAW for cutting ties.
I regretted that I did finally go back that night.
But one thing, that night was the night I knew it wasn't me.
It wasn't me who cut the ties.
Today, I mentioned their names, asking for Allah's forgiveness.
I specifically mentioned their names.
And I cried.
Truthfully, I was being true.
I mentioned their names, out of hatred, asking for Allah's forgiveness so I could be the better person.
Nope, I'm not ikhlas.
I knew it.
And I pray for Allah to give me strength.
I forced myself to be true, but it's too hard to swallow.
Allah knows.
Allah knows I wasn't true to myself when I asked Allah to forgive both of them in my prayers.
Tapi, Nabi SAW sendiri cakap, kalau baca Quran, paksa lah diri untuk menangis.
And for this situation, I am forcing myself to ask from Allah, ampunkan mereka. I knew, that's a sign I'm trying hard to forgive them, despite of me not being truthful.
Abah said he witnessed her asking for my forgiveness, not just a standard selamat hari raya ampun maaf zahir batin.
And if she really asked for my forgiveness, why didn't they extended the birthday invitations and the wedding's invitations?
Gosh, I know I will hate this posting.
But I guess, as I meant well that this is for Aidan, Aimar and Aivey to read when I am no longer in this world, I want them to be reminded.. I want them to know, mama did try!
...
Aivey just came in the room, asking me why I was crying..
and as I explained to her, she told me 'don't worry ma! you are brave! fight the battle to go out from the darkness!'
Allahuakbar.. She's a godsent. She's the asbab of Allah telling me, Allah definitely knows best.

Family ties

marriage is complicated.
when you got married, you thought you life is complete.
instead, you realized they are so many surprises waiting, and you realized it's too late to turn back.
Nope, no turning back.
It's either you bulldozed with passion and strength or you stop and put everything off.

marriage is not just between a husband and wife.
with marriage, there comes in-laws, sons, daughters and all.
it's a community.

one thing about community,
you don't have to like everyone in it.
as long as you could respect each others, that is good enough.
if you love them enough, care for them, always wanted the best for them, you could take the courage to correct them if they are at fault or the least tell them they are in the wrong.
not just by giving your sweet face like everything was okay and talk about them behind their back.
that is sick. very sick.
you communicate when you are in a community.
communicate. community.
do I need to elaborate more about it?
and if you your choose not to communicate, the least you should do is not to say if anything.
if you decided to say it, what's wrong with others wanted to know how could you come up with such conclusion?
verifying is also part of communication.
you communicate by expressing your views, listening to others' in respond to your views, verifying things you don't understand and get verified so people don't misunderstood you and improve oneself if need be.

a husband is responsible to the wife.
just as much parents are responsible to the children.
treat others with respect.
yes, being a husband is tough. you need to be the sole-provider. and you also are responsible on what you wife and children's behaviours. and so, we must know, why Islam puts a husband higher than the parents of the wife.
a husband ought to know how to treat the wife and the children. physically. mentally. emotionally. spiritually.

and definitely. it takes two to tango.
a wife, her responsibilities are all fall upon Allah, Nabi SAW, and her husband.
it's not hard to earn jannah. sounds like. it's not easy too.

syaitan had made his promised to bring all Adam's families to the hell.
syaitan won't let it be easy for any of us.
and when he won, you should be thankful how Merciful Allah is to those who repent.
may Allah accept our taubah.
ameen. 

you are winning

if this is the game you play to win,
you are winning!
...
i was told she told my boys not to be rude like their father.
i went to her to verify
i came in peace, to discuss
and i was shouted at
which i failed then, i shouted back!
that was the trigger..
others stormed off
they were asking me to leave
i was the one who got shut off
i used to be his favourite, but that was then..
that night, i saw him taking sides
though he said he didn't want to get involved
'wallahi' he said.. he heard her well that night, he told me.
he shamed my husband
for that was what everyone wants
that was what she and she wanted
and that night, they won.
...
yes, you are winning!
...
i rest my case.
we wanted to talk
end up we were told off.
my hubby did talked,
but was told it wasn't a talk but was a fight.

kang, cakap dayus kang, marah.
tapi, kalau bangga dengan cerita kamu bergaduh
trust me, itu bukan dayus..
itu hina..
yang dayus bila kamu masih mengikut telunjuk si isteri kaya berkerjaya
hingga kamu tak mahu tahu apa yang benar
...
yes, you are winning!
since that day i went to confront you,
and like you will always be,
showing others how noble you are
while you are just a fake chickenshit!

you have won!
...
when you made everyone hate him
just the way you wanted
just the way you've been keeping for the past decade.
and everyone seems to hate him

you are winning.
...
i just wanted to know
when you decided to hate him, and pretended everything was ok, whom are you kidding?
when you decided to share your opinion, and started to hate me when i shared your opinion to my own hubby, whom are you kidding?
when you started to draw your own conclusion, spreading lies to others, whom are you kidding?
when you started to yell and scream, as if you are the victim, whom are you kidding?
...
grow up!
you are no little girl!
for goodness sake, you are 36!

but i guess you could never grow up!
nope!
not like me!
i had cancer when i was 36.
and i won't stab people the way you did!
...
if that is what winning is to you,
congratulation,
you won!

Me! Me! Me!

I was fooling around the the online game that passed by my FB wall.
I never take any of the result seriously.
Somehow, I took a screenshot of this one, just for the sake of my own 'wanting' to talk about it before I call it off for the day.
...
I had it hard last weekend.
Nope, it's not my cancer. and don't ever think it was about my husband.
Payah gak hidup dalam alam social media ni, semua yang kita share, bila berkias je, ada je statement 'i love that person so very much' or a statement 'someone so close in my heart' atau yang seangkatan dengannya, maka, akan mula lah jarum-jarum halus dari mata ke otak hingga yakin sampai ke hati "ni mesti ngata laki dia ni!"
As much as I love telling stories in my kind of way, I doubt that I talk about my hubby except his goodness... Of course, to someone close to me, I do share my rants about him once a while. But then again, being me, I always believe whatever information I withheld from my dear husband, will sooner or later leak to him, with or without intention. Bearing that in mind, I always remind myself, never to tell lies and talked bad things about your spouse, coz I know that he won't do that to me!

Alahai..panjang lak melalutnya.

Anyway, I had it bad  last Saturday! It has been a while.. as a matter of fact, it is 'celebrating'its 1st anniversary last Nov.

Nope, I'm not stating it every details.
But I know, as I'm getting older and the children get a lot wiser, and they decide to read up my blog one day in the future, as they stumbled upon this post, they might recalled how bad it was.

The day when Aimar wanted to seek the truth and got shut off by someone older just and the day Aidan spoke his mind by asking what's wrong for asking to verify and the day they were both being told off 'jangan kurang ajar macam bapak korang' just because they asked for the truth.

We taught our children to pick to be true over being kind for that is what as Allah's slave wajib buat!

So, AbgDan, Aimar, you boys did nothing wrong and you boys are not 'kurang ajar'. Sometimes, different mindset define 'kurang ajar'differently. And that what happened.

As I stumbled upon the outcome form the '7 things describe the truth of Ain'.. I wonder, of all the combination the game is programmed, all the descriptions  what made it happen over the last weekend incident.

Me
1. wears my heart on my sleeve!! this is what being Ain is!truth is, i have always been that girl who speaks her mind out loud. I guess, that is why I have lots of friends, and not missing out, lots of enemies as well. love me or hate me! trust me, it has been a struggle but yes, i wanted to try.. wanted to learn to be more reserve... but it has always been a struggle!
2. does not like fake people!! back to point one, being too comfortable voicing my opinion out loud, fake people hate me and my guts. so, should i take a blame over someone who choose to fake their feelings over being true to others?
3. sometimes cries in secret. hmmmm.... friends know me how 'lembik' i usually am. politically correct phrases 'sikit-sikit nak nangis!'... somehow, i cried more and deeply behind that closed door.
4. is a fighter... hahahaha.. to sound cliché, didn't they say 'we cancer patients are fighters?':)
5. joyful and optimistic nature. well, again, k intan and ija are my witness how true this is to me! as simple as I would raise my right hand and confidently announced it out loud 'follow my hand, turn left!'and yes, sometimes, my confident won over the correct answer.
6. does not give up easily. i grew up with the idea i do give up easily. but i guess, as time passes, experiences after experiences, i knew for a fact that, yup, i don't give up easily.
7. has a lot of faith in God. alhamdullillah. most people who has an argument and does not come head-to-head with me would say 'tahu agama, tapi perangan tak macam orang tahu agama'. allahuakbar. please don't put blame on my agama and faith. that is me. my ignorance and my bad. nothing got to do with the Islam and its purity. kita sama-samalah doa. the thought and feeling like Allah is always there, the sweetness in zikrullah, the wanting in what He ask us to do and all is the strongest love story one would want now and hereafter. Doa kita sama-sama, may Allah gives us more and more loves, and may own Allah's bless bila nanti tiba yaumul qiyamah.
...
So, it's December huh?
It wasn't an easy year, but, bumi mana yang tak ditimpa hujan, kan?

Being True vs Being Kind

I lost to the iblis yesterday 

I knew for the fact, selemah-lemah bisikan adalah bisikan syaitan, and I lost.

...

I’m not confused

I wanted to know

being true vs being kind

in the qur’an we are much aware that we have to be true.

the qur’an also preach us to be kind.

but if you have to be true and hurt those that matters, you are not kind.

so, that is not the right way.

but if to be kind, means you have to hide ir nit knowing the truth, is that Islam?

the easiest answer is ‘depends’

people say ‘depends on the situation’

but people never realize how selfish the situation would be.

the situation is when you demand the truth, they shut you off.

when you insist, they yell at you because ‘you force them too’

when you  persistence, they accused you not being the real muslim.

when you explain the fact, they tell you off ‘bukan ke mamaafkan itu lebih baik?’

and ask you to let bygone be bygone.

in the end, you are back to square one.

clueless with what happened and start demanding the truth again.

...

so, what weighted more?

1. seeking for true to understand

2. stand for the truth

3. be kind

4. forgive and forget

...

Truthfulness: 

"O you who believe! keep your duty to Allah and speak straight, true words." (Holy Quran 33:70) 

"O you who believe, keep your duty to Allah, and be with the truthful people." (9:119)

"Be maintainers of justice and bearers of true witness for Allah, even if it (the truth) goes against your own selves or parents or relatives or someone who is rich or poor." (4:135)

- Clearly, being true is one’s duty to Al-Kholik

Goodness and kindness to others: 

"Allah commands you to uphold justice and to do good to others and to give to the relatives." (16:90) 

"Do good to others, surely Allah loves those who do good to others." (2:195)

-Yes, be kind, but be just too

Consideration and respect for others:

"O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion (against others), for surely suspicion in some cases is sin; and do not spy (into other people's affairs), nor let some of you backbite others." (49:12)

“When you are greeted with a greeting, greet with one better than it, or return it (in the same terms at least)." (4:86)

-Si, if one decided to agree to disagree, why do one talk behind the other and raise the issues at their convenience even after a decade long?

-So, if one returning the same terms, why was the returner got turned away? 

6. Forgiveness: 

"Pardon (people) and overlook (their faults). Don't you love that Allah should forgive you." (24:22) 

"(The dutiful are) . . . those who restrain their anger and pardon people. Allah loves those who do good to others." (3:134)

"Whenever they (true believers) are angry they forgive." (42:37)

"The recompense of evil is punishment like it. But whoever forgives (an evil committed against himself) and amends (matters), his reward is with Allah. . . . Whoever is patient and forgives, that is a matter of great resolution." (42:40, 43)

When the Holy Prophet Muhammad defeated his enemies in Makka and returned to that city as its conqueror, he forgave them in the following words:

"No reproof be against you this day; Allah may forgive you, and He is the most Merciful of those who show mercy." (12:92)

-this is how syaitan won over me

😭😭😭