Rambling again

Three occassions in a row.
Mi passed away on Friday.
On Tuesday, Abang was warded, suspected heart attack.
Received the news that Mamu Nasir has also departed on Wednesday.
Subhanallah.. bak kata orang, dah jatuh di timpa tangga ,kepala pulak darah berlinangan bergenang.
...
Truthfully,
I couldn't describe the right emotions and the right state I am now.
I doubt that I'm in grief, but yes, I am sad.
Am I worried? I'm more worried that I'm not worried.

Rasanya, ada hikmah baca buku Qada Qadar yang I bought earlier this month at Nur Innai Bookstore.

Accepting the qadar that has been our qadha long before we were born.
...
I wanted to write about Mi's funeral.
How I wish to go in peace the way she did.
How I wanted to reflect the calmness, the beauty, the everything great on the day I leave for eternity.

I also wanted to talk about Abang's warded.
About how I brokedown for the stupid Waze was not working, and the ambulance was gone, and I was struggling to find my to the HSNZ.
I cried for I was worried, if anything happen to my dear Abang, I can never depend on Waze. I need him!

I also wanted to talk about Mamu Nasir and his people.
He has always be a person who loves others.
To some extent, he has given so much love to others that I couldn't see him loving himself.
Seorang yang sangat sayang silaturrahim.

I also wanted to write about the stranger that once was family.
We were not invited and I was not surprised.
In fact, I feel such a relief that it wasn't me who cut the ties off.
Alhamdullillah. Dekat akhirat nanti, masih mampu berharap syafaat Ya Habiballah Ya Rasulullah, masih layak lagi mencium bau syurga hendaknya, Ameen Ameen Ameen Ya Rabbal AlAmeen.

End up, all the summary I wrote above is too strong for me to put into words.
Too much of a heartache.
Just left me unspoken.