Cheeky Classy Chats

yaddi-yaddi-yadda

2012-02-10T08:24:00.000+08:00

i've drafted few postings - but still fail to publish em..
..
it's been the second month of the year, and i'm not sure if time flies or i've done so many things and too little time to really sit and reflect :)
work is waaaaayyy too much. but, that still didn't stop me of going off before 6. and frankly, my adrenaline boost definitely drop to its lowest if i were to talk about work.

aidan - he's been in 1 setia for a month by now! the first three days at school was traumatic - both for him and mama. as much as being such a independent boy as i thought, a boy is still a boy! i was worried sick on his schooling arrangment, and still am till today. but on his first day of school, i saw my boy and started to worried even more! he didn't fit in straight away with his mates. while others were busy making friends, playing chase, he just sit and watched. and mama was damn worried! i tried introducing him to his friend and let him be, but that didn't work out. then, we left him all alone .. he was having fun as he thought we were playing spy game.. so, he pretended he didn't see us, walked pass us and smiled and he looked fine. only to find out, the day after, when we wereee really spying on him and he couldn't see us, he cried in the middle of the canteen.. the other boys were running and passing by, ignoring him and he cried.. as much as my husband asked me to let him be, i ran straight away. i hugged him and i was teary. alalalalalalala... anakku....no matter what, no matter how, when i saw him cried, it hurts the most! the image of him lost in the middle of nowhere, crying... this is aidan am talking about..not aimar, which crying is what he do to get whatever he wants la kan.. aidan, even when he was a toddler, he didn't cry as much. we went to toysrus and he saw toys he wanted, mama said no, he didn't cry. he saw the icecream and tempted to have a go and mama said no, he didn't cry. even he was in pain, he didn't cry! so, when i saw he cried, until today, i couldn't erase that moment! my instance thinking was he need to change the school. perhaps public school is not for him. that expensive private school might suited him better. and good friends of mine told me, i worried over nothing! as i'm writing this, aidan is doing fine, yup, he's school might not be the best, and if i can opt for a better school, i would. but i guess, it's not all about the school.. it's him growing up, and mama need to let him 'fly' once a while. despites his heavy load, and need to wait for my cousin to finish school then he can go back, i know he'll be doing fine. and me, keep on chasing time, waking up early to prepare his food, rushing over lunch to pick him up from school.. i'm doing at least a mother should be doing, so, as much as i am complaining about not having longer minutes sleeps, i'm ok. of course, school holiday is what i look forward for nowadays, so that i could have that extra half hour sleep :)

aimar - he had issues with the new teacher, mrs rajee. he was punished for making such a noise in class but all he was justifying to me "ala, i just have to stand on the floow - on the floor - not on the chair!"..boleh, camtu? i had enough of pinching, smacking and up to the extend using the clothes hanger and smacked him. so, one day, i decided to play reverse pschycology. i gave a him silent treatment, not talking to him, left him behind and let others took care of him.. and he cried, out loud, asking for forgiveness.. it was a pity. he was crying, promising that he would behave bla bla.. but i had to be strong .. i spoke to him the day after, and i guess he learned his lesson, a bit, if not much! he's been doing good at school after the incident.. him being a baby, i need time to train him to grow up and grow out.

aivey - she started to turn. she still having problem passing motion, but other than that, she's doing fine. o, she hates car! she'd cry whenever she's in the car and that is a big problem as we need to commute everyday.. good that i have my mum to accompany me so gramp can took care of her when she decided to throw tantrums!

o.. did i tell that aidan and aimar still ahve to wake up early on weekend for his 2-hours football session? yup! my weekend is filled too!

three kids are handsful!

so, don't blame me for not posting anything all this while..

so, what up with your life?

as time passess by

2012-01-03T15:36:00.000+08:00

“I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...” ...

- Meredith Grey quotes -

aidan is going to primary school. last thursday, i was so excited to get him ready for the orientation. i was a bit mad at his father as he was still in kemaman the night before. good for us that he made it just in time for aidan to go to school. he grown up fast. as we have half an hour to spare before 8:30am, i was proposing for us to stop by for breakfast at the nearby stall.. he counter-proposed "takpe la, mama aboh send abadan dulu, then mama aboh pergi la breakfast".. boleh camtu? he was so looking forward to wear that white and dark-blue school uniform, and looking so handsome with the necktie on.

as he queued among the newbies, i was moved. not like other parents who were busy photographing their kids in the queue, we decided to sit back and watch. i guess, me being obidient with teachers' instruction, i decided not to disturb the queue. and aidan was there, standing still in the line, as obidient as he can.. and my eyes were teary. he looked so independent, so grown-up.. and i was melancholic. felt like only yesterday we were so excited welcoming him in our arms. felt only like the day before yesterday we met eye to eye and smitten by each other. felt like only days before yesterdays we were nervously waiting for the first day of our school-life. and there he was, my son, my own flesh and blood, queuing for his class.. and all i did was looking at him, smiling, feeling proud.. and of course nervous and anxious at the same time. i wonder if he'll survive..

he was off to the class as i sat on the hall, trying hard to listen to the principal's speech and feeling really like one of her students.. once a while, my mind was wandering how aidan was..

and of sudden, he came and with his cheerful voice told me "exam was easy peasy".. and off he went, joining his new mates.

senang kan budak sekarang.. cepat betul buat kawan..
...
talking about grown up.. a cousin of mine is going to be in the secondary school this year. she's going to be in Form One and got over excited when she saw the name "aidan" on one of the schoolboard. she took the picture, loaded it in the FB and tagged me.. and trying to be smart, she put comment "my googly told me aidan means a name of priest/nun etc....." what-da-f.c.u.k... of all the google info, that is the only thing you would want to hilite. of all! i'm pretty sure if you search "define aidan".. that's not the only definition you would find from the google page.. so, why? why? why?... from the google also stated aidan is a jedi from star wars.. so, why can't you think i took that name from there? why must you think i picked up aidan's name from a priest name? of course i took aidan it is so blardy annoying. and what make it more annoying, though the FB id was of my 12-y-o cousin, i am pretty sure it was her mother that made such comment under her name! but of course, if i were to start a FB debatical forum, it does look silly for a 35-y-o to go against all odds ... on FB!!!!
...
new year - in general was just like a normal day. of course, on the eve's, i cooked fusion olio (credit to yummy-mummy blogspot) for the whole family. we stayed in kg baru, had long chats among the other cousins (talking about that cousin). watched the fireworks at the stairs of my gramps old house. and slept the whole day thru on new year itself. of course aimar was enjoying the 48-hour-spongebob-a-thon!
...
aidan is not well today, and yesterday. he vomitted and has got some temperature.. i just hope he'll be just fine for school tomorrow..
...
aimar - he was asking me who will be sending him off to his kindy .. both me and my hub will be with aidan .. if and only if i can split myself into two! i guess all parents would ask to have that wish if granted! to split every bit of us to every bit of time to be wherever our kids would be!
...
aivey - mama tak kasi masuk tangan dalam mulut, she picked new skill over new year.. kenyut bibir without inserting her thumb..
...
and so, life goes on. moga aku jadi ummah yang lebih baik, ameen.

hello 2012

2011-12-28T11:55:00.000+08:00

"significantly,for me; aimar is going to school; we are moving to that new house; i hope my hubby could get a job nearer to the family; if ada rezeki, it would be fantastic to have some dash of pinks on the kids wardrobe.. and i pray for my sis to have a kid too.. insyallah.

geng, have a wonderful 2011..xoxoxoxoxo..mmmuuaahhhssss"
...
gosh, how time flies! that was a quote from my last year's post.. and i'm writing a farewell post for 2011 and welcoming 2012.

recapping the 2011, aimar went to school and doing fine. we finally moved in riana this month. hubby is now in labuan. memang ada rezeki (though at times i wrote the above post, i was clueless) with lots and lots of pinks on the kids wadrobe with aivey's arrivals... and yeen embraced iris sofea's arrival two days after mine! alhamdullillah. diam tak diam, my prayers come true and Maha Besar Allah.

and i feel so guilty for not being a good ummah.. He gave me what I wished for, and I keep forgetting my roots! Allah Ya Rabbi!

as i welcome 2012, i'm yet to figure out what to expect.

of course i'm nervous of being 35 and aidan going to primary school.. we'll just see.. i should definitely hope as i writing the recap next year, i've become an improved ummah.

sembang-sembang

2011-12-28T11:27:00.000+08:00

my head's thumping and i'm nowhere near to doing work, with me going to be on leave for the next five days.. ok, that includes the long weekend, and i do not have any plan of going anywhere..but who knows if we would want to be somewhere tomorrow, after aidan's orientation.

yup, aidan is going for his orientation entering his primary school.. gosh, he's standard one la beb... am not getting any younger, huh!

my dear aidan, very reliable, by the book, unfriendly and doesn't care what people say about him - at least, he showed he didn't bother, but at the end of the day, he'll will only show mama that he actually cares! yup. that's my abadan. my special eldest son.

aimar - only one word describes him - charmer! he is. actually, he is spoilt. he bits people. he gives excuses when i asked him to take his shower. he cries out loud even after he hit his brother and his brother fight back. he jumps, he runs, he rolls anywhere everywhere. he's the sort that you don't want to bring to your house that is full with ornaments and nice decors. but then, when i was in my deep sleep (at least, that's what i showed him), he kissed me on my cheek. he called his aunt after not seeing his lil cousin for 24 hours. he looked for his gramps and ask 'how are you'. what a charmer, kan?

my one and only daughter is still exploring. she started to learn how to smile. we went to the pead last saturday. she was 57cm tall with 5.25kg (while iris was 61cm with 4.9kg - talking about sibling rivalry eh).. she pass motion once a week. she suckled.. nyot nyot nyot..her thumb becomes numb and she smell so masam! and she's mama's barbie.. always nice to have her around to play dress up :)

so, me - mummy of three :)

who's the boss

2011-12-20T11:31:00.000+08:00

aidan was watching tv and out of sudden he asked me, "mama, news tv3 tu apa die?what utama?".. "buletin utama. why did you ask?"... "boleh tak mama watch buletin utama dekat youtube on christmas day?".. and when i asked why, he simply told me "kitorang nak watch nickelodeon, ada christmas madness starting from 8?"

and i don't know how to respond. he's not requesting.. he's giving me suggestion, sweet suggestion, and how can i say no when he has all planned out .. and for a six years old.. i don't remember being such a smartie-pants! once upon a time, "NO means NO - no negotiation!"

aidan has learned how to pick his preference, he understands what has been advertised, he wanted to watch what he wanted to watch, he politely requesting if mama is okay to miss the prime time news and he even proposed for mama to watch it from the ipad.

he has all planned out!

he's going to be fine..

and..oh ya, have i told you that he's going to the primary school next year?

cepat kan.. i have a kid who goes to primary school already.. and it felt good to met a guy friend who besides asking "how are you?", he without hesitation "eh, bukan kau baru bersalin ke?".. that's a compliment - for mr hubby to be reminded of! :)

que sera sera

2011-12-15T09:01:00.000+08:00

i can't say i was tied up with three kids and couldn't find time to update this blog of mine. i normally post my blog when i'm at work, so, kids got not much to do about it. of course, though i'm at work, i will still need to find time to run errands for my kids.. family will definitely be my top priority and that is why i'm happy with my current work - it doesn't really demand my time as much as i can offer.. not if i were to be an engineer..well, it will definitely be a good pay if were to compare with being a sourcing exec. but then again, i'm ok with my post now.. the less pay is still more than i used to get back in previous company i've been working with. well, you can't get the best of both worl, can you? somehow, as i reported back after my not-so-long-maternity leave, the work has started to 'rise and shine'. it's not much, but it just non-stop and keep on flowing. after a year in an 'idle' mode, having an 'actual' work is sometimes unbearable..hu!hu!hu!

i broke down two weeks ago. work is one thing. kids is another. it was aidan's bday and i was nowhere there in preparing the stuff for his schoolmates to celebrate his bday. and i cried (well, some things never change!). i owe it to my kids. and now i have three of them, i'll be handsful! aidan is going to primary school, aimar will need to start reading next year and aivey will still be a baby for the next few months! and work demanded me not to go back on time, and as my breast 'engorged' after six (my body alarm to tell me it's time to go back!), i just wish i was a full time mother! and now i started to understand why some of my friends resorted to be a full time mother .. i've always been sceptical on being a full time mother. i felt that the degree that we've earnerd were put to waste and we'll be fully dependent to our spouse. i don't like that idea. but when i broke down, all i want is to be with my kids 24-7. i want to be there when they blew that candles. i want to be there when they done with their shower. i want to be there to send them off to school and let them hear and remember my "be good at school" advise. i want to be there to put their lunch on their plate. i want to be there, be there, be there, be whereever they are. the degree i've earned made me an educated person, and even i'm working now i've always been dependent to my mr hub. so, beign a full time mother is all i want to be.

i may sound normal..but to me, if i heard this ten years ago, i would say i sound insane. this is never me.

and this is when i need to say "we will never know how i future like".

selamanya.....

2011-11-22T09:27:00.000+08:00

ok, it's all in the news again. the malaysian footballers did it again.. of course, there were times they lose their games and let us down.. but then again, like the game they had yesterday, they played well and they won! yeeaahhh..

there were six adults and eight kids in the house yesterday. but there was only me excitingly waiting for the kickoff. and as the others need to have dinner, i couldn't be there every seconds of the game. i saw the first 5 minutes when indonesia scored, and as i saw the indonesian fans, i thought to myself that we, msian, should not be putting high hopes. i missed the tie-score. and the game was extended until extra time with the same score.

it was the penalty shootouts. when the indonesian missed the second penalty.. i was relief. then, the malaysian blew it. then came our 'secret weapon'.. dearie khairul fahmi a.k.a apek (hei, my hubby was known as apek too, wink wink).. he's a jewel! he saved the goal and we msian would always remember that (ok, maybe not always, but for now, he's the hero!). and, our last goal was saved and not saved.. it was our luck and rezeki of that last shootout!

anyway, can i be more prouder than i've been? of course i can.. as i was craddling the baby, trying to comfort her colic stomach.. i screamed!

as the news put it, it was the mother of all golds! cayalah...

yesterday

2011-11-21T13:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday, love is an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
o, i believe in yesterday
...
the music been humming in my mind, and writing the lines seems like am singing out loud.

there were yesterdays that i longed to stay on. the yesterdays when i proudly presented my good exam results to my dad. the yesterdays when i heard the "i love you'"s from those who adored me. the yesterdays when i realized i found him. the yesterdays when we were together. the yesterdays when i was expecting. the yesterdays when my precious own flesh and blood arrived to the world.. and many more yesterdays.

but then again, there were yesterdays that i just want to it to never come and stay. like if i'm writing this note tomorrow.. i just want to erase tomorrow's yesterday! it sucked big time!if only i can find a place to hide away!

my two cents

2011-11-21T13:29:00.000+08:00

bile dah makin berumur, naper akal jadik makin pendek?
bile dah ada kuasa, naper rasa diri gah sangat?
bile dah diberi rezeki melimpah ruah, naper cepat sangat lupa daratan?

kadang2, bile orang senyap, bukan sebab orang salah..
kadang2, bile orang senyap, bukan sebab awak betul..
kadang2, bile orang senyap, bukan sebab orang setuju..
kadang2, bile orang senyap, bukan sebab awak bijak..

orang senyap sebab orang malas nak layan
orang senyap sebab orang takmo panjang citer
orang senyap sebab orang masih ada rasa hormat
orang senyap sebab orang ada harga diri

tapi, sabar ada hadnye
lama2, meledak gak gunung merapi
sikit2, asap keluar jadi lava

bile dah sampai hadnye
yang bisu boleh bersuara
yang buta boleh melihat
yang patah kaki boleh berlari
.. the impossible is possible..

c'mon.. you don't have to be rude just because you can..

sayang korang

2011-11-18T10:41:00.000+08:00

"Your mom carried you in her womb for nine months. She felt sick for months with nausea, then she watched her feet swell and her skin stretch and tear; she struggled to climb stairs, she gt breathless quickly; she suffered many sleepless nights. She then went through excruciating pain to bring you into this world. Then, she became your nurse, your chef, your maid, your chauffeur, your biggest fan, your teacher, and your best friend. She's struggled for you, cried over you, hoped the best for you, and prayed for you. Most of us take our mom for granted. But there are people who have lost or never even seen theirs."
...

nothing wrong of a gentle reminder
...
yesterday, i cried. i cried because you cried.
you cried because you have bowel movement issues and it has been three days since you passed motion.
you cried because you were only six and when you have all the mates around all you could think of is to play and for that you were scolded when we found out you were not prepared for your exam tomorrow.
you cried because when you woke up in the middle of the night you realized you were all alone and nobody around.
yesterday, i cried. i cried because you cried.

i love you guys.. love you with all my heart.. when i say you are my life, you are.. no doubt.

yup, i pinched you when you wrongly did that substraction (because i've thought you to do that for the 112th time).
yup, i screamed at you when all you wanted was to be a child (and made a mess of the whole house with your toys - why did i buy the toys at the first place, kan?)
yup, i warned you when you weren't polite (so that you'll remember and people would take you as an example of how to be polite - and you won't be call as kurang ajar la kan)
yup, i stared at you (if looks could kill, i've killed you with my stares) when you still insisted to behave like a spoilt brat and my in-laws were nearby that i couldn't yelled at you directly
yup, i set high expectations, forgetting that you just a child

but, do remember..when you grow up, please do not forget that..

i was there for you since you were in my womb.. and trust me when i said it was never an easy pregnancy though the labour was superb!
i was there when you came back from school telling me how frustrated you've been when you accused a wrong person from stealing your pencil while the one who stole got away
i was there when you proudly told me you got super A for your exam
i was there when you cried and cried and cried just because you couldn't mutter a word
i was there with you
i was there, feeling proud, frustrated, happy, sad, scared, excited.. sharing the same moment with you.
i was there
and i know i will be there, for you, with you, insyaAllah..

and just remember, i cried when you cried.. no matter how silly the reason was that made you cried. i cried too.

ILU

2011-10-25T01:01:00.000+08:00

the song sings "...more than word, is all you have to do to make it real..".. lalalalala

well, of course, it's true.. words ar merely wirds when the was no action put into it.. but, being a fool for words, i always believe words are as important as actions!!!.. as i'm trying hard to remember the last time mr hubby threw thoae three words to me, i realized, it's been a while.. i tried ti figure out if there's any in his emails.. well, he did tell me he missed me..but, 'i love you'.. barely.. well, he's a strong believer of action speaks louder than words.. during the courting time, not much of i love yous heard from him.. yup, we did used up all the free minutes, we chatted thru mIRC (and i still can here that msg sounded and blipped),but as much as i tried to recall, i'm very sure it wasn't much.. not that i'm complaining.. when he asked the stranger from the underground to speak to me just to convinved me that he wasn't lying, it's his way saying i love you.. when he stayed up all night just to chat with me, it's his way saying i love you. when he gave me that atm card of his, it's his way saying i love you. when he made sure all the loosen screws were mended perfectly before he went offshore, it's his way saying i love you. when he said 'pls buy yourself that ipad for your bday', it's his way saying i love you... and more and more and more..but, as i know he would be reading this blog of mine, i just realized how much i miss hearing those word from him.. well, some may think this is pathetic.. he will say whenever he will want to say.. but i guess, this is why we both are still in this relationship.. when he seems to be drifted away, i must remind him.. and vice versa.. this is what we call communication.. so, do 't call me pathetic.. and if you may argue that his word won't be real and he won't be truthful.. i guess i know best.. yup, i may ask him to say those words to me, but when he say it, i know he's not faking it.. so dear hubby, i love you, and do tell me you love me too...

hmmm.. there you go.. i've said it..then again, to be fair, i don't say it often to him too.. i don't remember the last time i utterred those words to him.. when he paid that slimming spa package as a gift, and when he asked me to buy myself an ipad .. all i thought i deserved it coused it was my bday and i just went thru a labour where he still didn't show up (tho how hard he tried and prayed).. so, it was nit him to be blame totally when he didn't say those words as much as i wish.. i didn't do what i preached and i expect him to do the same...

i guess, after three kids, after eleven and half years in relationship, we just need to rejuvenate and keep reminding ourselves how muxh we love each other.. and we must keep trying to fall in love over and over and over again.. falling in love is always a wonderful again, and i'm glad that i have you to fall in love with.

i love you, i do....

ngarut pagi senin

2011-10-24T10:30:00.000+08:00

citer adik-beradik..
susah sebenarnye nak citer pasal adik beradik ni.. never ending story.. but kata omputeh, blood is thicker than water.. pusing2 mana2 pun, tang tu gak pegi nye...

satu bende yang aku tak paham.. mcm mana menyusahkan adik beradik tu, kite masih nak tolong dan nyusahkan diri kite untuk diorang..hmm.. nak wat camne, air dicincang takkan putus.. so, simpan dalam hati je la..

bile cakap adik beradik ni, i mean not only brothers and sisters.. tu..yang berderet tu.. aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews.. pastu, unless you are married to a tunggal orphanage yang memang tak tahu asal usul die, once you are married, your family expanded.. nak deal dengan perangai your spouse is one thing, nak tambah deal ngan fmily your spouse la pulak.. pastu, your adik beradik got married, nak deal ngan family your adik beradik spouses pulak... aiyyoo.. the story never ends..

tu, nak peringat diri sendiri..bila dah dapat ipar duai mentua yang tak banyak songeh, tak banayak hal,tak payah lah nak amik kesempatan..amik peluang.. buat bodoh nyusah kan orang.. and pastu rasa tak susah.. aiyyoo.. be thankful for once! and, adat and hukum manusia, kalau boleh, kalau tak salah, hormat lah yang tua.. mak abah tu, memang confirm2 golongan yang kene hormat, tahap dewa.. selagi diorang tak terpesong dari ajaran Tuhan..

hmm, itu pun nak kene ajar ke?

thank you

2011-10-17T21:36:00.001+08:00

i turn 34 tomorrow.. well, i lost interest in celebrating birthdays when i turned the big three.. but of course i won't be refusing any gift.. damn if i do!

so far, i'm doing fine with my life.. of course, i guess as i get wiser, i need to put extra attention on my spiritual requirements.. been lacking and aware of the lacks since forever.. of course, when i was younger, i blame the devils for having succeed to control my mind.. but then again, i knew, it just me.. i just need reason.. i was equipped with good religious background, i just chose to ignore em.. and i really need to work harder than i used to.

as for me turning a year older, i guess i should be thankful with what i had. i am.. really..of course i wish i could be richer, slimmer, more beautiful, fairer, taller, smarter, and all a fairy tales could think of.but i definitely have to be thankful to what has been blessed on me..

i am blessed with smart boys of mine, and that liltle princess who've been sleeping most of the time really a blessing to all of us. my hubby, as much as there were times i was annoyed with him, i'm still thankful for having him as part of my life as my bestfriend, my soulmate, my partner, my lover, my atm cum banker, my life.. and best part is, this year, he has to be extra generous.. afterall, i went thru the nine-month pregnancy and labour, and he knew how to appreciate it. with the slimming sanctuary package and this ipad, i am thankful enough.

of course, am sure getting messages and wishes from my good mates and their prayers are enough for me to be thankful..

so, am i worried for the upcoming birthdays? i guess that won't be a prob...

PPD

2011-10-16T00:19:00.001+08:00

it's not difficult.. but it's hardwork! being a mother it is...

my sis, first-time mother, is struggling to be just a plain simple mother.. after the labour, she've decided that would be her first and last!! of course that was the first-hand labour pains talking!.. few hours after that, as she's determined to breastfeed her baby, her baby seems to refuse her. my sis even decided to give up breastfeeding after one week.. but her 'ego' stucked by.. she kept pumping her milk, hoping it would stop so she has valid reason to let her baby starts on formula. to add to the challanges, her baby would cry every night until the sun is ready to set.. her baby cried out loud. and to her inferiority, my baby aivey, could hardly shed tears.. all aivey does every day every night is sleep... and baby iris is the opposite of aivey!!

my sis, though seems to be strong.. not really strong at the end. this evening, it was the third time i saw her ignoring her baby and she just stayed in the bed, as if everything's fine! she really did.. and i was worried for her.

i just wish she is stronger than she thought she is.. being a mother is not difficult.. it's just hard work.. mentally, physically, emotionally.. of course some part of me is mad at her. how could she be so selfish.. but another part of me sympathised.. she just have to learn to be just a plain mother.

talking about post-partum depression huh? did i get the term correctly?

.. the long pause ..

2011-10-13T23:43:00.001+08:00

well, it's been a while. i'm blogging from my iP, hence, i don't know how to set the font, and most importantly, i couldn't change my profile summary.. am an officially a mother of three ;)

she has arrived, a month ago.. my little precious princess.. and i still can't believe i have a baby girl that complete the missing jigsaw all this while..

a beautiful innocent baby girl. we finally settled for aivey adela after a week of arguing over the name.

it was on the 14th last month! around 4:30ish pm, as i laid my tired self in front of the tv and aimar was lying next to me.. a sudden 'blop' of water burst, and i knew it i was on labour! as much as i was aware i was on my 37th week, i was still hoping that i would be on labour on th 16th onwards.. reason being: 1-after few arrangement, my hubby managed to get a day early than he planned to be onshore.. he was supposed to off duty on the 16th, but managed to get released on the 15th. 2-my parents were both on their 'business' trip to bangkok and will only be back on the 16th.3-my gynae was on business trip to milan (this is what you'll face if you picked celebrity's doc) and will only be in kl on the 15th 9pm. so, any sign of labour before the 16th was a no-no for me!!!!!

but who am i to control the Bigger force?

at times, there were me, the boys and my sis who was on her 39th week! and she was supposed to be in labour first instead of me! she was so panicked, that aidan even proposed to her to call 999.. aidan's voice was so calm and we both laugh. yup, i was in pain, but, i can still managed.

my sis drove me up, and as we reached the hospital, the jockey was confused as he thought it was my sis that was on labour..

anyway, as we reached the labour room, and as i asked for another gynae, i was told i was 6cm dilated. i confidently told the midwife that my contraction was on twenty minutes lapsed.. somehow, the machine picked my contraction was actually every five minutes.. it took me one and half hour to be fully dilated. by then i was on tge laughing gas.. dang! i was not laughing.. and yes, i was so sad as i knew my hubby still missed the delivery for the third time!! the sadness somehow was so hard that i could stand the labour pains! of course when i was ready to 'push', no word can describe that pain!!!!! my aunts, two of them, were there in the labour room.. they gave me strenght! we, the family, were not so good in showing our emotion, but at that time, i knew how much they love me and how difficult for them to be strong for me as they saw me lying there trying hard to stay strong! with three pushes, a tiny weeny human being was born. there she was, on my chest.. she wasn't crying, and all i can see was her eyes soo tiny :)

the labour was a miracle.. always... and i was one of the lucky few who didn't have to go thru the stiches healing process as there was none (lagi ada hajat nak opt for c-sec!!)..

aivey is a wonderful blessing. we went to the peaditrician after a week, just for a routine check-up and was informed she had an ulcer in her mouth! she didn't cry and i didn't knew!!!!!

she's been such a great baby.. and we were blessed to have her.. just can'g wait to explore all the girly stuff with her ;) so, stay tuned!!

hmm.. would i want to go through another labour coz mr hubby missed all three of them???? for now, let it be a long pause.......i still am struggling being a mother of three!!!

nearing the time

2011-09-12T11:26:00.000+08:00

been a while since my last post.. yup, bit tied up with things at work. plus the heavy load am carrying with me on my belly. and not much to write about things also contributes to the reason of the silence..

anyway, i'm on my 37th week of my journey to deliver my baby in the belly. i was on my 37th week when i celebrated my firstborn-aidan, and aimar came up earlier at merely 35th week and was so tiny and fragile when he came to the world. by right, i should be on stand-by mode 24-7.. i had a 'panic' attack last friday.. i really thought that i'm going into labour sooner. the contraction that i've been feeling for every two hours turned out to be a fake one.. which i was glad. as much as i want this labour to be over as soon as possible, i don't want it to be happened last friday, or even now.. baby HAS to wait.. at least until the 16th.. nope, i'm not that patriotic that i want my baby to be born on Msian's day.. point is, my hubby will only be able to be release from offshore on the 16th, and he'll be travelling back to kl in the morning.. hopefully, should there be no delays, he'll be in klia by noon the 16th.. and if only i were to give birth, we should wait two three hours after that, hopefully.. and to add matters worst, my gynae is now in milan, and will only be back on the 15th.. a friend told me, 'this is the difficulties you'd faced dealing with celebrities doctors!'.. so, with no hubby and gynae, i'm living in denial as much as i could to ensure i'm not into labour.. not after the 16th...

mr hubby missed the two labours i went through, and he better make sure he don't miss this one! with me getting 'older' every seconds, and my body not helping much, i might take a loooonnnnggg break for going through another horrific pregnancy!

my pregnancy, in general, was nothing new. on the 12th week, i checked myself in to the emergency ward in prince court, while my parents were taking care my son on the peadiatric ward and hubby was all the way in brazil's offshore. of course, the doctor in-charged and the nurses were so confused to see mee all alone and so weak.. but i was so weak and they just didn't have the gut to ask much.. that was the first time, and i visited the wards few times after that.. hyper-nemesis, they called it! excessive vomitting...

and i never stopped vomitting even on my second and third trimester.. it was normal to my body and as i would say "aku pasrah".

i still vomitted last week.. with headache and backpains.. one interesting thing happened during the pregnancy was muscle pulled.. in my entire life, i never knew how it felt.. sports (since the world don't consider resting on the bed is an event), was never on my plate.. so, i never knew how muscle pull should feels like.. but, there was one night, as i was sleeping, my leg felt cramped and 'gone' elsewhere.. i was screaming, and sad thing was my hubby was not around at that time!

so, i'm counting days.. and praying hard that mr hubby will be just in time when we are ready to deliver the baby. insyaallah.

raya, u'ols

2011-08-12T15:28:00.000+08:00

i was not looking forward for raya this year. with me could hardly carry my tummy which will explode anytime! so, not having my hubby around on the day is not a really a much concern to me. but then, i heard the lagu raya.

gosh, most lagu raya are so depressing and sad and will drift the listener away. not like christmas, lagu raya will always have this mellow melody with sobbing lyrics! darn!

so, yup.. out of sudden, realizing not having him around for raya make me kind of sad. especially now that i'm in no position of going anywhere or do anything.. i even haven't bought the boys baju melayu pun.

so, can i have him pagi raya?

hmmm

picking up things

2011-08-11T12:31:00.000+08:00

aimar: teacher mala bagi aimar 'sun' ari ni.
mama: sun? like sun sticker, ke?
aimar: no. teacher buka window and suruh aimar duduk tengok 'sun'.
mama: why?
aimar: because i am very good..

am definitely sure the teacher did that because he was so sleepy, most of the time, all the time :)
...

aidan: ma, did you know, daniel was pushing me during the que with his big tummy
mama: dia tak sengaja terlanggar kot..
aidan: no. dia memang saja. i saw him smiling after pushing me.

after the incident, daniel would definitely the most hated boy in school in his list
...

mama: i really don't know what can i do with aimar.. he's so naughty
aidan: lepas baby keluar, put him back in your tummy
...

ma yeen: my baby's name is no longer zara. i've changed it. aidan nak baby ma yeen nama apa?
aidan: ma yeen asik tukar nama je. tunggu je lah baby keluar, biar doktor yang bagi nama kat die.
...

aimar decided to throw tantrums and cried one morning and refused to go to school. that was the first time, and hearing the news made me mad. that afternoon, when my hub wanted to pick up aidan from school, aimar wanted to follow. he dressed up, decided to wear his school uniform!

as i was still mad at him, i still trying to figure out what's the best lesson to teach him. we've done enough pinching, and we've gone through the soft-talk method. i decided to go different approached - to reward aidan for going to school. so, i told aimar that i'm buying aidan new toys.

aimar: abg dan, mama nak beli toy untuk abang.
mama: aimar tak sedih ke for not getting any? mama beli for abang je.
aimar: tak, nanti aimar boleh share ngan abg dan bila die dah tak nak main.

he is challenging my parenting skill.
...

an advert in the TV did mentioned "Terengganu and Kelantan". aidan insisted it was "Terengganu and Kemaman". i tried corrected him, but he just wouldn't listen.

his aboh said "let him be".. and so, i will..

semangat kemamang betul
...

me - fasting :)

2011-08-01T15:51:00.000+08:00

i'm counting hours! not because i'm hungry.. my head had been thumping for the past two hours.. yet, to my surprise, i wasn't hungry as much i thought i would be! fasting and being pregnant was not as hard as i thought.. though this wasn't my first time... it's all goes back to the intention! i intend to fast thru out the month, so i don't have to pay-back the time i missed, insyaallah.

as of now, another half hour for me to clock out from the office.. demm, i'm sleepy. lack of sugar definitely be the reason me being so lightheaded and just wish i could lie down.. definitely would be lying down in half hour time!

one thing that i realized today is that i'm admitting most of my emotional tantrums are due to my hormone. i still hate that blardy aunt of mine. i still dissatisfied with my sis. i still couldn't agree with my cousin being so nice just because she said she has her own pride. i still am very annoyed with that bengong statement from my SIL that she has to reschedule the dinner because she needed to attend to my parent's 'need' .. and i still am..

but then again, the hormone is the major catalyst!

and talking about fasting, though aidan is six and we can start training him to fast, my intention is just to train him over the weekend. somehow, i called him this afternoon, and he told me "aidan try puase, mama".. since most of his classmates were fasting, he decided to fast too.. and i couldn't be so much happier than a mother could be :)

auummm

2011-07-28T12:30:00.000+08:00

the harimau malaya is fighting against the lions later this evening. well. am not into football, but then again, with the FB shoutouts, the huha in the radio, the everything about we gonna qualify for the pre-qua stage, am suddenly so can't wait for the game tonight!

well, i'm not so into football. i didn't even know what offside was, and i agreed with my girlfriends if we were to watch the footies, it would merely because we wanted to satisfy our animal female instinct enjoying that delicious yummy footballers.. and that's it..

but somehow, my mum was always a sports fan (she can even enjoy watching that lawn-bowl if her team is playing!).. so, whenever there were game, especially m'sia is on the card, she'll watch. and then, we got no choice but to watch rather than wandering what she was screaming about..

then, earlier this year, the harimau malaya team been performing well..with the AFC.. and of course i still wonder is Mat Yo really tonggek or he's been trying hard to look 'that' tonggek in the field.. and Apek is a fantastic keeper.. his eyes has always been on the ball, no others.. and safiq is not bad. of course that zakuan boy mmg undeniable comel. and safee was good striker. and so, the team is worth the time to spend on!

prayers and lucks for them tonight. that 2nd keeper suck and had let go five goals during the first leg in s'pore.. but, we were not bad with three goals.. so, go harimau malaya..

as they all been singing "in the jungle, the might jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight".. we are all in for the win!

kesian itu budak

2011-07-28T12:17:00.000+08:00

not that i care so much, especially on celebrities' life & lifestyle.. somehow, i felt like expressing my opinion on this Jimmy Shanley's issue.. from what i gathered, he was having a marriage issues, ten days after they were married. somehow, within the ten days, he still managed to get his newly-wed wife pregnant.. bravo! it took seven months for my hub & me.. anyway, we were on weekend couples on our early marriage life, so, ok la tujuh bulan tu :)

and now, the wife has given birth to beautiful zahrah shanley, macam2 lak citer...
all this while, Jimmy, been showing to the media he sufferred.. the wife hates him and don't want him to be involved with the pregnancy. well, the wife, coming from orang kaya punya background, didn't say much during the pregnancy. then, bila dah beranak, baru nak bersuara. die ckp jimmy was an abusive hub, which jimmy did not deny being 'abusive' (in what sense tak tau la kan).. then, ada lak ura2 saying that jimmy is a sex-maniac, and even requested his wife to perform sexual acts not like other would ask! then, today, i read an article, the cukur jambul event of the newborn, canteek and very very posh and rich. and no jimmy, the father.

again, i'm not into celebrity, much about their sex life. but somehow, these people have bought an insan to this world.. a beautiful pretty baby. as much as they don't want to comment and talk about in the media, the media will keep on looking for the news. and the news written were intepreted, the way the reporter intepreted them! and the only victim is that little tiny princess who hasn't got a clue on what becomes her!

i don't understand. i really don't.

ramblings

2011-07-26T11:42:00.000+08:00

damn sleepy!!!! very very very much, indeed..

yup, i have piles up of things-to-do, but, would rather hold it to the list than trying my hard to understand the procedures and guidelines in ensuring am doing the right things!

damn sleepy!!!!

aimar was not feeling well.. with fever and athma, his sleeps was a disturbed one, and so did mama!

the baby is not giving me any chance as much! she just moved and moved, and when she stretched..ok, am not sure if she was stretching, but when she did moved, and my whole tummy felt like being stretched to the max, i just couldn't take it.. my front felt uncomfortable, my back ached!

and on my 30th week, i still puked! yup.. every morning, that is a routine.. and today, i threw up my breakfast! darn.. at this instance, i wish i could speed time!

o, and i hate my auntie. this particular auntie. i must pray hard enough so that there's no resemblance of her on my newborn! ok, people said blood is thicker than water. but, officially, she was related to me on paper - not by blood. my mum's lil brother decided to be a fool and fell in love with her and married her. so, on paper, yup, she's related - but not by blood.. i guess that is why i never understands things she did and said.. tapi, orang cakap 'sabar' je lah.. how i wished! being me! here's the thing.. things were fine. there were family fued years ago, and they 'isolated' themselves by not keeping in touch with us.. how i wish they kept 'isolating' themselves! my mum is the eldest of twelve. as my gramps had all lone gone, my mum is the eldest in the family. and when my sis decided to get married, everybody's aware of that would be wedding of the time as it would be the last wedding in my mum's family, insyallah (touch wood la kan)..my mum never carik gaduh and carik pasal with that 'isolated' family, so, when my mum called so many times (god knows how many la kan) asking her lil brother to be there for the wedding, i expected them to be there! my sis even bought dressess for the girls, and matching baju for our uncle. but they did not turn up! nada! sebab gaduh adik beradik.. and that was when i have to admit how foolish my uncle was to listen to his wife, and how hati jahat his wife was.. c'mon, you were first class degree holder from the UK, and the best advise you can give your hub and kids were not to go to the wedding that you big sister-in-law was having! rude! very rude! anyway, that was years ago.. two years ago. now that they've realized that there were pointless to fight over things, they came back into the picture. but to me, she still not worth the trust! she could bitch about my cousin behind her back, she used her kid FB id and commented 'rude' remarks (and that makes me think how rude a twelve-year-old girl can be), and when i shut her off, she said my preggy's hormone has gotten into me! stop playing victim. i just hate you, fullstop..

gosh.. that is my pregnancy hormone's rambling. i guess, i love to talk about intimate things lately, rather than general stuff.. i know, i shouldn't, but i couldn't.

and when i thought this pregnancy would be different, my sickness is coming back to stay.. ten more weeks (or less, hopefully) to go, and i have to bear the vomitting again... hmmmmmmmmmmmm

c'mon neigbour!

2011-07-25T13:47:00.000+08:00

was listening to the radio, and a segment "tak tahan" was on air. a lady caller, called in.. and seriously commenting on her neighbour "saya dah tak tahan dah, rimas.. isteri die pakai seluar pendek, singlet tak berlengan... seksi memanjang. anak ada sorang. yang suami pulak tak tau nak buang sampah betul2 dalam tong sampah.. bla bla bla".. as much as the deejays trywing to make fun about the hot mama, the caller kept telling the listeners how annoying she was..

and i shut off the channel!

ni la melayu.. frankly, memang melayu punye issue. and i hate it.. hate it to every bits! so, what if that hot mama decided to wear just a singlet with hotpants at her own home-ground? it's her house, kan? and she knew she got the bod! and if anyone should care, it would be her husband, not others. okay, so what if you just can't stand the view? for godness sake... just because you don't have the gut, don't blame others who has! and, if you really have a problem, do you really need to call in and complaint? boo-hoo, shame on you. and this is not kampung mentality. trust me, it's not! i was in kemaman for the first five years' of aidan's life. living in the two-season area i.e. draught in the first half year, and monsoon for the next six month, i must admit, i have difficulties adapting with the hotness during the 'summer' season. i wore singlet and shorts.. i tried to avoid from the neighbour's view, just because i still respected their views..but once a while, i just couldn't help it but to go to the porch with just sleevless shirts and shorts.. but then again, my neighbours never gave me 'that look' or boycott me or what-so-ever.. they might feel uncomfortable, but not up to the extend to make me feel awkward... but this lady caller, i'm sure she is overreacting. very much indeed.. c'mon ladies, if you have a problem with someone, why don't you just talk to their face? and if you don't have the gut, just shut you mouth up, la..why bother? your lost kan for not telling them. and u can't expect people to know how you felt!

yup, you can't expect people to know how you felt. even if people are wise enough to know how you feel, by not telling, people will try to ignore how you feel. so, stop being typical malay yang nak jaga hati orang. so what if after telling, they will think you are a bitch.. at least, you are a bitch with class!

so, be it

2011-07-20T12:07:00.000+08:00

Quote" All good writers rewrite, several times – the words seldom appear on the page the first time around in a way that says what a writer really wants to say, so they keep rewriting until they get it right" Unquote - from my favourite columnist, Mary Schenieder.
...
i was bitching about my superior, and as re-read the post, i knew i was not wrong publishing it at that time, and meant every single word i wrote. at those incidents, i still stood firm that what she did was not justifiable and she was the bitch!. somehow, today, i have to admit, i must change my perceptive on her. not that i got to know her a little closer. nope.. i still don't feel comfortable calling her 'kak' though that's what she address herself when she called me. but then again, i guess, she must has her own reason to react the way she acted, and being a perfect human being, she's just another example of 'nobody's perfect'...

in fact, all of us are! we might think what we did and said was sane, justifiable and for everybody's interest. nope, we never wrong in judging things! and once a while, even how hard we try to perceive things from other's point of view, we still stand where we stood, firm!

and so, be it. it may hurt our pride, but it won't kill us!

boy o boy

2011-07-15T08:18:00.005+08:00

o my o my, i miss my boys, so much! it's been two nights in a row..i couldn't sleep! i never have problem with sleep.. nope! nada! somehow, now that the boys are not around, i missed them so much, and feel so awkward having the bed all by myself! i can't imagine how mister aboh felt everytime he needs to be away with the boys after being attached with them four weeks before!

one day, they all will be gone.. gone to the boarding school. off to universities. build their own family. gone away from our lives, physically..

until then, lemme cherished the moments we had, and more to we gonna have.

...

a message was in my inbox.. as almost everybody decided to go to bandung, leaving just me, and two of my cousins.. that cousin of mine, who was still in school need to stay overnights with me.

an auntie, who supposedly to be 'adult' enough, besides calling, and is fully aware where my my cousin live, thought the idea of inboxing me thru the FB message (i blocked her from writing on my FB wall) and asked who is taking care of that cousin of mine.. and she has the courtesy to tell us off "kalau nana nak tumpang rumah auntie, boleh je, tapi nak pergi/balik sekolah tak tau cammana sebab kerete dah penuh".. and here's the scenario, she has four girls of her own.. a 12yo, 10yo, 4yo and 1yo.. the 12yo and 10yo went to the same school to that cousin of mine.. she drove a wira, not that small fit kancil car..and she have the decency to tell us off that her car is too small to fit all the girls!

kalau nak tolong, biar ikhlas.. just because you inbox me, doesn't mean you care.. and what's with this inbox thru FB using your 12yo kid userid? can't you just ring us! for godness sake, you are our auntie! if you think so la.

...

after 37 years breathing, my cousin still have issues taking care of herself. last month, she nearly lost a wallet with RM700 cash. a good hearted chinese family took all the effort, calling everywhere to look for the owner of the lost wallet.. she got all her stuff and cash back, untouchable. somehow, last week, she still didn't manage to find mykad.. and the morning before they were off to bandung, she lost the wallet again, for the 576th time, with RM500 cash in it.. we are definitely sure she won't be getting the wallet again..not this time.. and this is nothing new..

sometimes, people just never learned!

...

my niece didn't follow the family, and her mom has the gut to write on my wall "edleen said it's not fair that she couldn't join the trip"...

one - nobody stopping your daughter to join your trip.. all you have to do is pay for the ticket! don't expect free ride la, c'mon!

two - i must remind myself to block my SIL from writing on my FB wall too, just like that aunt of mine!buweekk

...

my sis, she promised to stay with us when my parents off to bandung with the boys. she lied.

...

love after marriage

2011-07-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

i was rushing when i woke up this morning. my hubster called me up, all the way from FPSO Roncardo, Brazil, but i have to turned him down and didn't even bother asking him to call back. somehow, when he called, my head was spinning that i needed to vomit (like a normal morning routine for the past seven month!), and my stomach was screaming for that nature's call. hence, i hang up on him. of course, he didn't call back. i didn't ask him too, and i understand that it's not easy to get through the line if he was to call back. plus, with the different timezone, i'm sure that he's all worn out after the shift work and needed a good rest.

well, as i'm done for work, driving up to the office, i realized i missed him.

when he was courting, he stayed up and picked up flowers at the park, just to decorate that handmade card for me. and now he's married, he stop courting. but he still stayed up. sometimes, he even did the laundry and that minus one of my chores and i'm fine.

when he was courting, he bought gifts and bouquets to his 'sugar'. and now he's married, not that he stop buying, he will still buys, but of course i have to ask!

when he was courting, he would stop whatever he was doing including playing playstation with his buddies when i called. now he's married, just like what i will do, he would say "i'm in the middle of something, and i'll call you back, kay?"

it's good that he still call me 'manje' like he used to call me eleven years ago.

reality checks - he's not that perfect guy i thought i knew. but i'm not complaining! i 'changed' too.. to fit in with one's and each other life. we learned to compromise. of course, we must keep reminding ourselves not to be complacent. and i guess that would be one of the reason he would still call everyday when he's away, even for five minutes.

we both have our expectations on each others. we can't stay the way we were though i'm pretty sure before we were married i did express my fears on 'things will change'.. things definitely change.. and it's not bad. am thankful to have him as my husband, a responsible one. once a while, it's still okay for me to leave him with the boys while i hang out with my buddies (though, most of the time i would hang out with the girls when he was not around, and i still asked for his permission). he doesn't complain much when i decides which place shall we go for dinner, rather than me preparing the home-cooked dinner. he will sacarstically wandering where my salaries gone when i asked for money, and i will give him this look and said "takpe lah kalau tak nak bagi".. and voila, he still gives.

and me no purr-fect either. if most of the cards to him were handmade before, now, my occasional cards to him came from the 7E rack. as a mother of two (plus one), i still woke up at ten on weekends, and hub doesn't complain much. and , like what i did this morning, a long-distance phone call just need to wait as the nature's call.. though i remembered talking with him on the cell while i was in the bathroom doing my business eleven years ago.

it's true, when you got married, things do change. it's up to us to make it better or worst..

all in all, i'm happy to know, no matter how, no matter what, when i feel like missing someone, i have someone that i love to miss.

building a life

2011-07-11T11:54:00.000+08:00

my sister has moved out from our parent's house months ago. her new house was like fourty five minutes away from the city. when she started to move out, it was an abrupt move. at least that was how i felt. out of blue, they loaded everything in their MPV and off they went.

looking at current circumstances, her being pregnant and the it was only ten minutes away to and fro my parent's house and office, we were under the impression that she would stay at my parents during the weekday and only spend their time at their new house during weekends.

anyway, as it has been months... that has not been an option. not that i care. she's married, own a good big house, and has a husband who can decide whatever whenever. but on the other hand (and again, maybe its the pregnancy hormone in me), i was saddened by her (or their, to include the husband) arrangements. with her being pregnant for the first time, deep inside, i knew my mum and dad wanted her to be around them. she's the youngest.. she might think dad loves me more and mum loves her brother more, but truth, she's the closest to them compared to both of us. my dad keep telling me that she is always prone to casualty and need extra monitoring, and with her current condition, i knew how dad and mum wished she's around more often than she did. maybe all my dad can prepare was that simple fried vege and fried chicken, but, i knew he wanted to fry it for his expecting daughter!

but then again, it's not her fault if she and her hubby decided to spend more time together in their new house and that far-far-away land. it just that, i found that it's unacceptable.. if they could spend full two days+nights in malacca over the weekend with her hubby's family, and only opted to stay overnight for one night in my parent's in a month, and as much as my parents did not show it, i can feel them!

she screwed up our 'family' outing yesterday. she was the one who was proposing for us to have nice comfort hi-tea at the double tree while waiting for my mum to finish her events there.. at the end, it was only me, my two boys and my dad.. of course my mum join us half hour later. i was angry with her. of course, she said she was tired.. but on the other hand, she's not being fair to my parents.

to make it up, this morning, she was telling me she wanted to sell the house, and she wanted to buy a house nearer to the office. as it is as simple as selling that baju kurung collections of hers! this is my sister's major problem - she's a people pleaser.. she tends to cater for everybody's needs and wants, and when she fails, she would try hard to give illogical reasons rather than explaining the truth that she couldn't fulfill the requirements..

my mom and dad never objected whatever she wanted to do. after all, she's married and her life now belongs to her hubby. and i was wondering if my mom and dad felt the same when i moved out from the house - like i'm totally shutting off my life with them. perhaps, my situation was different as i moved out to other states, and i didn't have much chance to spend time neither with my parents nor my in-laws..

on the other hand, this makes me think.. how would i react when the times come and the kids are married and ready to move out from our house? would i be happy? would i be sad? would i feel isolated? would i feel proud? of course, how i wish i could have them all by myself for the rest of my life. and of course, i can't be selfish in that sense! the kids will grow up. meet someone they love. decided to have a family of their own and will have their own mindset how to live their life. of course they never intend to shut off their parents.. but, in a matter of time, that how parents will feel.. and for now, am not sure how long it will lasts.

and

annisa

2011-07-08T14:46:00.000+08:00

here's the plot:

four men - rich, handsome, near-purrfect, close buddies, own a successful business - one is the CEO, one is CFO, one deals with the marketing, and one can have any good post in the company!.. super-rich..o, i mentioned that..
the CEO has a beautiful girlfriend, who has an affair with the marketing guy, and the CFO knew. the CFO swindled the company's money, and the marketing guy knew, and so both of them betrayed the CEO and not that they agreed with the betrayals, but if one secret is out in the open, the other will burst too.. the CEO suspected another friend was having an affair with the girlfriend, though.

now - turn the plot around - change the men, to ladies.. woo hoo... to add dramas, instead of affairs, the CEO is married and her husband cheated with the marketing babes and even practise polygamy.

well, that's much more complicated and more drama for the telenovela slot in our local tv.

it was fun watching annisa.. but, i just don't understand, how can the CEO can't 'catch' her husband is two-timing her, with her own bestfriend! and how could that bitch bestfriend betrayed her? and money may not buy happiness, but money can make you bold enough to kill others.

sometimes, i thought the drama is too typical malay drama.. but then again, i'm not surprised if this is based on true stories..of course the script has been dramatized!

real life, huh...

anakku

2011-07-04T09:25:00.000+08:00

been tied up with things, lately. well, not much of a thing as i still can go back from work on the dot to ensure i managed to take that half hour nap before dinner. (then dinner, then sleep)

anyway, there were commotions at school last week. nope, it wasn't aimar! the principal called me to tell that "daniel's mum told us that aidan bit daniel!".. o my, o my. being a mother, i became defensive instantly. i knew what aidan did was wrong, but, i refuse to admit immediately. i remembered aidan telling me the day before about the pencil's issue.

there was this one funcky nice straw-like pencil that he got from the 7E and he requested to bring it to school. i said no the first time. but this 6yo boy has his own way to win mama's approval. he told me "but i ask for your permission. can i bring it mama?".. with hesitation, and thinking that he was partly right, i said ok, only if he promised to take care of the pencil. not that it matter so much, but, as aidan been losing his stationeries everyday, i guess it would be a good practise for him to take care of his stuff. however, as he came back from school, he told me that he lost the pencil. he said "daniel asked for the pencil." and i interrogated "did you gave daniel?". he said no, but he put the pencil on the table and when we wanted to keep it back in his bag, the pencil was gone. and so, it ended there. i said "that is why i said not to bring anything to school".
and when ms hana called me and said "aidan bit daniel", i knew he has his own reason. unlike aimar, aidan would get aggressive when he's been provoked. he would bit, hit and do all those beyond thinking, in a blink of eyes. anyway, as i told ms hana what i knew, ms hana was telling me "daniel is a very cheeky boy. he has this habit to take things from his friends, but, his mom will always check his bag"..to cut it short, i asked for daniel's mum contact to apologize (though i must admit i did hesitate) and called her to say sorry of what had happened.

back from work, i asked aidan the whole story... just to found out, my hesitation about daniel being cheeky and took aidan's pencil that resulted in aidan's biting him was all me wrong. i was playing the very defensive mother, and i should have not. but tell me, who's mother won't? apparently, daniel did not take aidan's pencil, it was nadia and she admitted and gave the pencil back to aidan. poor daniel, being the biggest boy at school, got bitten by aidan was not something he would feel proud of. and he was not at fault at all.... gosh! i texted his mum and apologized, again.

and that night, aidan was different. he refused to talk. he went to bed early, out of norm. he wasn't talking and explaning. and i knew, him misjudging daniel and it went all the way up to his beloved principal's knowledge was not something that he was proud of. aidan never cared about others, but he was selective enough to get approvals from his mama, aboh, atuk and teacher hana.. he was always at his best behaviours, and i'm so thankful for having such an obedient boy like him.

i thought the biting issue stopped there.. only to find out that he pinched daniel on friday! gosh! and i thought everything has over! i asked aidan what happened and he told me "he was cutting queues in front of me".. silap besar la kan.. he was so full of grudges over daniel, and daniel carik pasal cam tu.. gosh!!!!

me - as time writing this still speechless. frankly, i didn't know how to deal with these kind of stuff. i can just let it flow, and told him this is part of life learned and he shouldn't do what he did. i did that. and was that enough? hmmmmmmmm

so what if you are not invited?

2011-06-27T10:22:00.000+08:00

the boys had their sports' day last sunday. but, it wasn't a 'normal' sports' day i've ever attended before.. it was held in a mall, not in aopen field space as usual.. and it was a paid event. coming from a big family, and as it was a fact the boys' parents earned more than many others, paid or not paid, it was an 'expectation' for us to forked up the money to pay for the event.
for the westerners, not getting the invitation, won't be an issue.
for malays, it's a taboo... especially if those who were not invited were your own family members.. and some of the the other family members were invited!
for me, i have my own justifications, though i know i don't owe anybody any explanation!

my mum was the eldest of a dozen siblings. i have countless aunties and uncles with multicolours attitudes. and no matter what and no matter how, they love my kids as much! they are not rich, but their love to the boys are enough to make me feel thankful and owe them my life. they took care of the boys, and they include the boys in their life agenda. the sports' day event was something i would spend on them so that they can see the boys in act. of course i exclude this particular uncle of mine and his family. not because i despise them as much. his kids love hanging around with my boys. but, here's the fact.. he has three kids below twelve and one baby. plus the parents, i need to pay RM85 for the two hours event for them. as much as the kids will enjoy it, i don't think it's wise to spend that much money on them.. i might as well gives cash to the kids to spend it on their daily allowance! furthermore, i knew that lunch would be on me.. so, i have to add another one family on top of who was in my list.. and lunch was not cheap! i'm not being cheapskate, i'm being reasonable. i've decided to give a treat to few aunties and uncles who was there taking care of the boys when i was at work, and to those who met them on monthly basis should not deserve to feel disheartened! and should not leave cynical comments on FB... and the saddest thing was using your own daughter's ID to leave the remark.. as if i've made an eleven-year-old kid heartbroken for missing the fun day out.

yup, i know, i could just invite them, and told them upfront it's gonna be a paid event.. they will want to come and pay.. or decline my offer 'politely'.. but i doubt they would decline neither pay as the expectation would be on me! so, if i were to pay, please allow me to be selective!

and i don't understand, still don't understand.. a mother of four beautiful girls, who scores A level with flying colours, graduated from top university in UK decided to sacarstically leave a comment in FB with her daughter's ID at midnight! silly old mew!

call me a shrew if you want too, but, my money and my fun time, lemme decide how to use it my own way so i won't spoilt it as much!

frankly, is it a big matter not getting the invitation.. isn't it better not getting any so you don't have any obligation to spend time and money on the invitation?

the 35th anniversary

2011-06-17T11:48:00.001+08:00

i really need to blog about something.. apparently, there's so many things i would want to write, as a reminder to myself..but i've been deely-delaying em.. procrastinating is no stranger to me. be it blogging, doing house chores, going somewhere fun, working, and doing anything except lying down on the sofa, stretching my body to max... i don't even bother what was on the tv.. i just want to lie... a five minutes nap every minute is all i want!

anyway, as it is friday, and work as usual, not as hectic as it used to be (somehow, i', still wondering if i am currently overpaid and underwork, or my previous company had took advantage over me by employing me and i was overworked and underpaid there?).. just nice timing to blog about something and everything..

hmm..

well, we celebrated our parents 35th anniversaries last June 12th..actually, it was just a whole complete family dinner at the tony roma's (nope, din really enjoyed the food, chillis's better!) on the saturday nite the 11th. it's been a while since our last family outing and dinner, so, time well spent..

my parents - typical 'old' malay couple .. been in the marriage for 35 years, and still complaints about each other, show no mushy-mushy PDA in front of the people.. and i wonder if they love they had still sparks as they once knew. since i knew how to listen, my mum never stop telling me sob stories "abah ko cam ni.. cam tu".. once a while she would just sob out of sudden "mengenang nasib"... once or twice i do sympathize her, mad at my dad.. but as time passes by, i learned to 'ignore' and show no emotion.. mum would think i am daddy's dotter.. i might seems like i am daddy's girl rather than an obidient daughter to my mum. but, then and again, i love them both the same. my dad, he's an 'evil' husband, the husband type that i don't want my hubby to become. he's a lovely dad, but, as a hubby, he might fail miserably, .. at least, that was how i think of him while i was growing up. my earliest memories about him was all about how 'strict' he was to my mum. there was once my mum lost the house key, and she has to beg to me to admit that i lost it. my dad was cool about it, and i was sure if he knew the truth, he would just locked my mum away. my mum never had a driving license because of my dad. she had a driving class, and there was once, he tried to drive my dad two-months-old car and misjudged when she tried to park the car, and there was a small dent and scratches on the door. my mum was so trembled, not because of her driving experience, but because she knew my dad would make a big deal about it..(which he did, and end up my mum never drive till now - padan muka abah, kan dah kene jadi driver mama for the rest of her life). there's so many things that my dad would do if mum screwed things up.. and knowing my mum, she would most of the time screwed things up.. and what she learned best was never married to an army.. he'll be an officer in the camp, and even at home!

despites all the bads, they stick together... celebrating the 35th anniversarries.. with three kids, three kids-in-law, three (plus two) grandkids.. and when he waited for my mum to walk to the car (my mum walked very slow), i knew he loves her. he's very bad in expressing his affectionate, but, i knew he'll suffer more if my mum leave him.. now that they are getting older, i have to face the fact that time is not always with them. i know i can't face it when the time come (even thinking about it killing me), and if mama is to leave us first, i am definitely sure abah, that strong heart-steel retired army colonel can't survive much! he has a funny way to show his love, but, we know he loves her.. and mama knew he loves her as much, their lifetime!

anyway, my dear abah and mama.. if there were no you thirty five years ago, there'll be never be us breathing today. we love you bigger than ever, and we owe you our lives. happy anniversary dearest!xoxoxo

.....

a litle reminder to mr hubby, as i was driving yesterday, my mind roamed to the time when we met and spent time together, the weekend in london, when yeen was around.. we were 'just friend' back then, and we flirted big time. that moment, every single moment, still fresh in my mind. the moment you accidentally brushed your hand over mind, the moment you helped to push me up to that lion on trafalgar square for that picture perfect, the moment you pretended looking elsewhere when all your eyes were locked on me (chewah), the moment we were both were so sad to leave each other at the Euston station as the train was ready to leave... the moment i would treasured and cherished for the rest of my life, and hope you'd think the same too. as time passess by, i know it is almost impossible to create that moment as much as we wish. we were young, wild and free.. and now, we are married, with commitments, and kids. but i'm glad i have that moment with you, and that moment brought us till today.

let's live with the moment, keep reminding ourselves how crazy in love we once used to be, and forever be. please don't stop hold my hand, hug me, kiss me, whenever wherever.. and please keep on accidentally brushed your hand over mine, and pretend looking elsewhere when you think i didn't see you were staring at me..

please be there for me when i want to wish you "happy fiftieth anniversary my darling"..kalau panjang umur kita, insyaallah.

WTH

2011-06-08T15:42:00.002+08:00

the hu-ha on the news portal related to the Obidient Wife Club (OWC) really getting on my nerves.. yup, it's typical of the media mass to brag about all these 'funny' business so that people read what they want to write.. somehow, this particular news has went overboard, to my judgement. until today, i frankly didn't read about it.. i glance through the main tittle, and read thru my friends comments and remarks on the FB.. and frankly, i don't give a damn, even till now, i really have no interest at all to find out..

from the headlines, i was made understood that this OWC is promoting mrs wives on how to have tip top great wonderful sex like the 'first class whores'.. and i wonder how would these people knew how would the first class whores services are like?. and the saddest pathetic part is that, the purpose of the OWC is to ensure that mr husbands won't stray and stick to the wifey...and those statements and ideas came from a group of insane ladies!blardyfuckingmadsluts!!!@@~~**!!!@"!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i'm sure they don't mind me calling them slut, as i'm sure that is their ulterior motive)

i guess enough is enough... we, much much classy ladies don't need such movement! it's an insult to womankind..

no matter what, no matter how, no matter when, no matter who, no matter where..when men choose to stray, they will! and they are well 'equipped'......
if they got caught, they would apologize profusely, they would remosely cry or even pretend to die to tell them how sorry they were...or even worst, they would admit that "they could afford to stray"....
we, ladies, even without being the member of this OWC, we knew ourselves best than to stray. yup, of course they're a few who deviate from being obidient wife and commit adultery, but i guess, without facts and figures, no doubt that women are unlikely to cheat as compared to mr husbands!
at the end of the day, we, fear of being a divorcee, sympathizing the kids, being too financially independent not only permits our husband to cheat, but even make attempts to degrade ourselves to be a whore..at least, the first class whores got to get first-class treatment with fine dining, have sex on the five stars hotel's bed and received handsome payment after their services - some, if they were lucky they got to own that TODs tote they've been eyeing for....

how i wish i could scream and yell at these OWC people to stop thinking they are doing a noble thing for trying hard to please their men...

org cakap "tak payah berangan isteri sebaik aisyah kalau perangai tak semulia nabi"

2011-05-30T23:23:00.001+08:00

something worth reminding of..

serves me right!

2011-05-30T11:47:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted to be part of them. it took me ten years, but, the spot was mine, finally. i guess, "always wanted" is just not enough. it has been a decade, hence, i forgot why i've always wanted to be part of them.

and after less than a year, i'm still couldn't find an answer what i've always wanted what i've wanted all this while.

attending meeting, the most crucial question would be "what's for break?"
going to a conference, be it a paid or free, all they would want to know is what's in the door gift goody bag?
a collegue just asked me "do we get extra discount going to aquaria?"..me, blindly answered "yup, just show them your MyKad, all malaysian will be charge at a special rate".. and that collegue of mine continued "nope, i mean, additional previlige because we are working here...".... and the company i'm working with has got nothing to do with aquaria, but only a walking distance away (even, my previous company is nearer to aquaria, if to compare).. and i was left speechless.

the list is more than i could think of. the first few month, i thought i just need time to adapt. but i guess, for now, i've decided. i won't be able to adapt. and i won't bother to adapt.

of course, there'll be no self satisfaction. but i guess, as long as they pay me well, and i don't have to burden myself with tonnes of workload.. i'll just go with the flows.. of course i won't expect the previliges like those snobs always expect.. i know i don't have to. and not that i'm not thankful.

i guess that's why it took me ten years to come here.. to taste of my own medicine. i just need to get away..

miss independent

2011-05-18T11:59:00.000+08:00

hmm..

my lunch buddy aka my friend of thirteen years was telling me, no matter what, how, who, where and when, never show your significant one that you are independent. that's what the book said! and that's totally right.

considering at my current condition, i would say 'i was too late'.. he was so comfortable for me being independent, the boat has sailed away and not turning back. honk! honk!

not that i'm complaining. i'm ok with the arrangement. i don't think i am 100% independent neither am 100% clingy. things i would depend on him 100%.. financial, hands-on DIY, cars, electrical stuff and many more.. and there were stuff i would just do it myself. there were occasions i just have to 'accidentally' be independent.. cases such as i was on labour, the first time and the second time.. he wasn't able to be around, and i just have to push those kiddos away! all these while, we are so used to and comfortable with long-distance relationship. when we first met, he was in london while i was in manchester. we spend weekends away, short breaks and not most of the time. then, i came back to malaysia while he finished his final year in UK.. (and went to Amsterdam without me!yup, i just want to brought that up for no reason..) as he come back to malaysia, he was in kemaman and i was in kl.. until we got married, i got knocked up and as our first-born arrived, i moved to kemaman. still, he was on offshore assignment.. forthnightly.. and a year and half ago (or has it been two years?), he's been off-Brazil-shore while i'm back here on-Malaysia-shore.. on monthly routine. hence, being away, i guess, i'm so used to be independent. but, to think back, i wasn't hundred percent independent.. he may be out of sight, but not really out of reach. hence, i would always consult him before i would do or decide for anything.

my good friend has to check-in to the hospital by herself, with a limped (i guess) leg as she was due for some operation on her knee (was it the knee?).. she's what i call independent.. of course, i checked in to the emergency ward myself at midnight when i was badly attacked by hyper-emesis two months ago. i felt so alone, but i have no choice as i really need medical attention, while aimar was bedded at ward 6a (ggod that my parents were around to look after him). thanks to the iphone bought by my hubby, i shot an email to him, and he called immediately. of course the conversation was brief as i was 'busy' vomitting... but, to know he called, and to know that he cared (very much indeed) was soothing.. and i know i need him at that mo, and i'm not that strong to call myself an independent woman!

aduhai...

2011-05-12T09:46:00.000+08:00

bile asal balik usul..

aku ni bukan nye kacang lupakan kulit. sekali sekala, memang malu nak ngaku aku ni orang melayu beragama Islam.. bukan sebab bangsa aku low-class, atau agama aku anuti tu by default.. aku syukur lahir ke dunia diajar mengucap syahadah. tak pernah ada sekelumit cacat cela dalam agama aku. itu yang aku percaya. tapi yang buat aku nak marah bila orang melayu ni lupa yang islam dan melayu tu ialah due benda yang amat berbeza.

kalau nak ikut pendapat aku, takde satu pun rules dalam Islam yang menyusahkan.. bende sume straight-forward. yang jadi susah nya bile manusia tak mau ikut apa yang disuruh dan tak mau akur apa yang dilarang.. lepas tu, nak pandai sendiri cakap sume bende tak masuk akal... yang tak masuk akal nye bukan perintah agama, yang tak masuk akal nye sebab budaya.. diorang tak confuse, cume akal diorang tak panjang ..

malu nak citer apa dah jadi semalam.. tapi, apa dah jadi tu citer benar sebenar-benarnya.. tiade olahan, penambahan dan penolakan...

ada sorang makcik, umur tak panjang, dipanggil menhadap Pencipta-Nya .. yang tinggal anak2, sedara-mara. kalau ingat diorang kat die, ingatlah. kalau tak, tak lah. bila ingat, kalau nak sedekah fatihah yassin, sedekahlah. kalau tak, tak lah.

Islam suruh mempercepatkan pengebumian, bukan sebab nak kasi mudah anak-beranak, sedara-mara.. sebab Tuhan Maha Mengetahui. tapi, anak-anak buat mudah. sanggup biar jenazah ibu tidak dituntut, sebab, ibu meninggal lewat tengah malam, nak tanam jenazah time tu tak logik, jadi, kene tunggu esok pagi juga. kalau nak tuntut jenazah lewat malam, maknanye anak2 kene urus mandi jenazah esok pagi, dah jadik dua tiga kerja pulak. kalau tuntut jenazah dari hospital esok pagi, pihak hospital akan mandikan dan kafankan dan terus tanam .. anak2, yang dibesarkan oleh si ibu selama hayatnya, dengan rela hati buat keputusan.. biarlah tuntut jenazah esok pagi. malam itu, atas prosedur hospital, jenazah ibu terkujur di mortuary, peti ais kat rumah mayat.. Nauzubillah.

Islam memang lah menggalakkan umat pergi ziarah keluarga yang di dalam kedukaan. tapi Islam juga suruh kite ingat amanah. sebab kan rasa ada amanah kerja, yang nak pergi melawat ni bagitau lah bos die, yang juga melayu dan Islam.. "My aunt passed away, and I will be coming a bit late to the office".. bos die yang melayu dan Islam tu jawab "No prob, but if more than 3 hours, you have to take leave"... kudos.. takde takziah, takde condolonces, takde Innalillah, all she cared about is the time-track. ye lah, bos pun jalankan amanah.. (rasa aku, kalau aku cakap kat bos cina aku dulu kucing aku mati accident, sure die akan reply "sorry to hear that...")

bende2 yang aku nak highlight ni bukan sebab Islam.. sume ni jadi sebab orang melayu. ibu ayah besarkan kite dengan kasih sayang, pengorbanan dan dengan harapan cukup ilmu hidup supaya pandai menjaga adab menguruskan kehidupan. tapi orang melayu ni pelik. bile tak cukup ilmu, salahkan ibu ayah ("kurang ajaq, mak pak hang tak ajaq ke?")..bile ilmu dah menggunung, die saja yang betul.. orang lain semua salah. pandai ke bodoh ke, bila dah nama melayu tu, susah nak argue.. apa2 pun, die jugak nak menang.

melayu - bangsa penuh adab dan budaya - deep thoughts!

anyway, i've put in my list to search for good religious school for the boys. it's my responsibility.. and must keep reminding the boys the real values of life and how to live truthfully.. not live the life the way the culture wants it. if its wrong, its still wrong!

mama, thank you

2011-05-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

it's mother's day this coming saturday - at least that is based on the US calendar.. if i'm not mistaken, the Brits celebrates mother's day in june.. and we M'sian, just follow the media propagandas. hmm..

spoke to a sick mum who just completed her knee op due to the accident she met last two weeks. she sound sooo weak, not the girl i used to know, cheerful strong single mummy of a lovely daughter. tried my best to cheer her up, to ask her to look at the bright side as she'll be getting 6-8 weeks MC..how nice.. despite the pain on the knee la kan.. but, all she can think of and said out loud was "i'm worried of how can i cook food for marsya with this condition"... salute to you dear mummy!!! you were sick, all by yourself, and the only thing you are worried of is how to get your twelve year old daughter well-fed! you impressed me!

i don't compliment my mum often. i don't say out loud i love her .. and vice versa. when i was younger, i always thought she doesn't love me as much as mother should be. my siblings and i were with out gramps most of the time. the only time we spent our time with our parents were during weekends as on weekdays, we would be staying with our gramps. mum said it was convinient for the kids so that we didn't have to wake up early in the morning to go to school and religious classes. adn sometimes, when we were sick, she will just leave us with our gramps, even it was weekends. when i was younger, i always thought my nan did a better mother-job than my own mum.

that was when i was younger.

only when i was a mum myself i 'think' i understand my mum's love. this lady, who i have no faith in taking care of small kids, even her own grandkids (no offence, but i still think she is not as good as she should with kiddos).. is special. after sixty-three years, she sacrifices her time, life and everything for her kids' conviniences. with her background, nobody could have imagine she could have gone this far. with three spoilt-to-death brats of her own plus one 'clingy' egoist hubby,she survived this far. she have achived so many things in her life, and all i wanted her to know, never have been more proud than ever to have her as the queen of my heart.

ma, you've gone through so many hardship that i could never have imagined i could stand it.. as much as i wanted to be the best mother to my kids, i knew you've done your part well to do that to us. happy mum's day, everyday.. and we do love you.

bugger off!

2011-05-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

i need to vent this out - i've been patience... now, as i've tend to feel like useless patient, i can't hold anymore!

i don't know whether it's the malay things, or just plain malaysian! but it suck! and it is definitely a lady issue! i'm sure what had happened definitely made me a racist sexist bitch!

coming into my eighth month, as an experienced hired, i should be doing fine with the new task. i'm way too fine, overpaid with no task given. was handed over one minor task that even a clerk could handle yesterday. submitted the required documented and this morning received a note telling me "i've reviewed your paper"..

it wasn't endorsed.. apparently, instead of writing 0.5% or RM40,000, i was supposed to write RM40,000 or 0.5%!! and that is a major taboo that i don't deserve the endorsement. i, obviously, didn't understand what's wrong with what i wrote and what is supposed to be written. especially when there were no black an white in that documents databank stated how it should be written. when i went to the binary code class during my yesteryears, 1 OR 0 will make 1 and 0 OR 1 will make 1 too! somehow, the person who supposed to endorse my paper might have skipped the logic class or didn't even have the chance to go to one!

i'm ok if the paper wasn't endorsed the first time as it was my first time, and i still need guidance.. but, not endorsing it because i wrote it differently as normal practise though it still bears the same meaning - that is not guidance. my opinion, that is finding faults, showing authority, abusing power for no reason, and pure sexist (nope, i'm not going to elaborate about it here, biar lah hanya aku saja yang tau!)... all those but guiding! if it's really necessary to follow the sequence, put it in writing, black-and-white, documented them so i won't argue but will laugh for the management silliness!

and to add to my 'confusion', after secen month, all i was given it that one-piece form that i need to filled and get it endorsed. and the new guy who joined last month were given a work order to work on! to me, that is an insult to a pregnant lady! and i won't elaborate this too..but, i'm sure i got this treatment because she is a she!

bugger off!

the royal proposal

2011-04-29T16:32:00.000+08:00

i'm not one of those lunatic fans of the monarch who just can't wait to see kate dressed in white; to see that receding hairlines of that once-upon-a-time-a-handsome-prince.. but as it's the talk of the town, i did waste some of my time googling and youtubing about the royal wedding.

as my hubby's away and with my pregnancy hormone at its peak, i got carried away easily... way back when he proposed me. that would be seven and half year ago.. of course we've been going out way before that, and talked about getting married, having kids of our own and many more... but thinking back the seconds he proposed.. i could fly, over and over again.

it was my birthday. we've planned for our formal engagement event in two months time, so, i told him we need to go to the jeweller to get the ring for the event. i specifically told him that i wanted to be around when he bought the ring..so that i won't get upset if the ring he'd chosen without my go-ahead did not meet my expectation.. or at least, to my acceptable and affordable specification la kan. earlier that day, he brought me to the jewellery shop. he pointed me to a few design, and i showed him this particular ring that i would like to own. i thought he wanted to buy at that instance, but he did not. he said he'll come back for later.

we celebrated our birthday to a simple dinner and midnight movie. if i wasn't mistaken, we were watching this one korean horror movie that night. and as we walked to the car, i settled for the seat, and he opened the carboot. in a matter of second, he passed me a bday card.. hmm.. being him, i knew i couldn't expect much pun. i read the card, and once completed reading that long sweet bday wishes and how he told me in the card that he can't wait for us to be united, i looked up at him.. he was on bended-knee, at the carpark, with klcc view behind us, and he was with the ring, the ring that he said he would be later.. i was stunned. i don't remember him being away from me right after we went away from the jewellery shop.. there's no way he could bought it with me around!..

and here's how he explained..

him, with his shorts and slippers, went to klcc earlier. and his first destination was the tiffany's... and it's true when they said 'it's the thought that counts!'. he told me, the salesperson was very helpful. when she said 'how can i help you?'. he told her 'i'm looking for an engagement ring'.. and next, it was history.. he said, he learned about the cut, clarity and carat.. and the salesgirl, being professional told him (when he said his budget was half then what was the cheapest tiffany's could offer - and he even lied when he eyed the cheapest range they have!) "congratulation on your engagement, perhaps you would come again here for your tenth anniversary gift"... hint!hint! bang, the tenth anniversary is coming in next three years.. wink!wink!

then he went to habib.. he found one nice cute afforable ring.. he decided that would be the ring and he bought it. when he brought me to the shop later that evening, he just wanted to confirm that he was making the right choice, that suit my liking. it was lucky grab that i picked the one he already bought!

and again, looking at him on bended-knee, with the ring that i thought he hadn't bought yet, proposing, i felt like a princess.. it was beautiful!

aaaggghhhh... i want to get married again and again with that prince charming of mine !!!

pretty ladies

2011-04-29T09:52:00.000+08:00

being a nice diva-ish sophisticatd lady, no matter how closed i am to my divas cliques, i doubt that i would say straight to her face "o my, you look so chubby", not to her face, and of course not in public domain such as facebook... and especially to a person whom i know is four month pregnant!

gosh. how insane could a person be? madly insane moron, i would say. yet, i have all rights in the world to hate her for that.

ladies are always conscious of being pretty. there's no ugly man but an o-kay man, but there's always an ugly lady. some is born with the gift of being pretty. some try their very best to look pretty. but trust me, all ladies want to feel pretty. it boost our confidence level, and we can own the world at our fingertip.

when i was on my first tri-mester (of all three pregnancies), i was the ugliest lady i've ever know. all those sickness, nauseas and vomits took control over my mind, body and soul. i was at my lowest peak of prettiness, and i feel down for knowing i was ugly. now i'm entering my second tri-mester, i must admit i don't really take priority on looking pretty, but at least, i tried not to have that out-of-bed look 24-7.. and don't deny me, pregnant lady doesn't need to go to extra mile to look pretty.. that bump on the tummy add to the prettiness (and yup, it's not everybody's prop to touch! why, people, why?especially when you are a stranger to me.. hands off!). and of course, being pregnant is the only time you are allowed to be chubby and anyone who would ask "you gain weight, huh?" is definitely a stupid insane moron! and of course, with or without the hormone imbalance, i have perfect reason to hate this moron!

so what if i look chubbier? dduuhh...

tell him

2011-04-22T10:51:00.001+08:00

the song 'tell him' by vonda shepard, the ost from ally mcbeal been playing over and over and over again in my mind.. and i just realized how much i love that song once upon a time and i could repear the whole song over and over and over again from my player.. yup, i have her CD.

Tell him Lyrics:

I know something about love. You've gotta want it bad
If that guy's got into your blood, go out and get him
If you want him to be the very part of you
That makes you want to breathe, here's the thing to do...

[Chorus:]
Tell him that you're never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

I know something about love. You gotta show it and make him
See the moon up above. Reach out and get it
If you want him to make your heart sing out
And if you want him to only think of you...

[Chorus]

Ever since the world began it's been that way
For man and woman were created to make love their destiny
Then why should true love be so complicated? Oh...

I know something about love. You gotta take it and
Show him what the world is made of, one kiss will prove it
If you want him to be always by your side
Take his hand tonight and swallow your foolish pride and..
---

not sure if i would advise my daughter to just go to her dream guy and swept his feet away by telling him how insanely in love she's falling for him... nope, i don't think i would tell her to do that..

being in love is always a great feelings...being in love with the perfect man for you of course is a wonderful blessing. now doubt, in relation, there'll be some moves we make that might hurt our significant others, there'll be vows we break without noticing, there'll be smiles we fake just to hide our true feelings, there'll be claims "nope, i'm fine" we stake though we know (and he knew too) and hope truth will prevail. well, after eleven years, i can't deny the facts. love is not always fairy-like ever-after sweet-charming-prince-kissing-you-every-night (and let you sleep in peace*wink wink*). but love is wonderful; the greatest wonder if you can find one true ones, but the greatest heartache, in nanoseconds, if you've been betrayed.. (okay, perhaps there's more great wonders such as getting the latest coach collection at no charge, straigt from the oven).

but then again, to find love, we have to find the right man to fall in love and to kindly return us the favour. for some lucky biatch, that man is just right next door.. but for some, they search high and low till the end of the world, and still searching.. some may lost hopes, some may keep on hoping.

thinking back, i might have regretted that i've made it easy for him to woo me. he lured me with fancy gifts, dinners, bouquets, and i was all over him. i may not tell him directly, but the first hint i gave him, he caught my falling star straight away. and i Thank God everytime i count my blessings for that. they said, 'easy come, easy go'.. alas, playing hard to get might not be the best option especially when time is not on your side.

so, when we found love, and we are sure that is the funny thing they called love, no harm telling him.. you might not want to be in position to just let it go away and never come back.. of course you could console yourselves by telling you "it never meant to be".... what a waste :(

all the small things

2011-04-15T09:41:00.000+08:00

cute sangat.. aimar dozed off at 7pm last night, and slept the whole night through. hence, that justified him fully awake at 5:45am this morning. he asked for milk, and watched the 612 channel. after a while, he came in the room, saw his book and just remembered that he did not started on his homework. he took the book and the pencilcase, and off to the table to complete his homework.. it was a cute soothing scenario to see early morning.. he's only three and a half years old, and he knew his responsibility.. i hope that will last, i pray hard..

every parent in the living earth believe their kids are smart. when my six-year-old told me "mama, did you know muhaimin is a genius?", i asked him to verify "your teacher told you that or muhaimin told you?".. and when he answered "muhaimin", i must admit i was a little bit relief.. i wish i could tell him "muhaimin is just pulling your leg and you are a genius too".. nothing wrong of thinking that our kids are among the smart ones. afterall, all kids were born the same, with the blessed brain.. it's the parents' responsibility to guide and nurture their own kids to ensure the brain is working in the best correct manner..for their own sake.

once a while, i have grudges with my own community and races. i know i can't change how everything behaves. it runs in the blood. at least, i hope to see my kids to be change to the world. they would be the better person in the community, insyaallah.. and every parent should start to believe this is true. so, why don't we start by stop throwing rubbish off the window's car!

heart rules!

2011-04-05T15:08:00.000+08:00

my bff shared with me a story..i might have tell the story differently, to what my understanding is..
a story about a girl met a boy and fell madly deeply truly in love with the boy. from the story, i'm not sure if the boy felt the same, but, they were out and about, and was an item.

after quite sometimes, the boy started cheating on her. she could sense it, but was in denial. her bff saw with her own bare eyes he kissed a girl in a public dancefloor, and that girl wasn't she!of course her bff told her, and of course she hesitated..not that she didn't believe her bff, but she was blinded by love! he hated her bff, and axed her out. she still believed they were in love. of course, he never stopped cheating her.

her girlfriends warned her, endlessly. her bff lose hopes on her when it comes to love.

years after years, she left him. but, she knew, deep inside, it is him that she ever wanted.

to make things worst, she still keep in touch with don juan de marco.

last week, one of her girlfriend texted her. this bimbo, without doubts and regrets, told her "i actually been going out with your ex for the past one year"... to add the drama, the bimbo was one of her buddies that kept telling her that she has to let this casanova go and 'teach him a lesson well learnt!'. the bimbo decided to tell her, because .. "we've been together for a year, and i think he is cheating on me, and he is cheating on me with you"....

of course i just couldn't say an unthinkable beyond sane mind when my bff reach this part...

fact is, this girl always smitten by this romeo. we are sure he cheated at least four ladies at once, playing off the girls' hearts, and get all the perks of having be the man of the hour! blardy-big-bastard.. he deserved more than a swear! he shouldn't even bother to stay on living, but he did! the girl, surely left heart-broken. like the others.

we, girls, are sore losers for 'perfect' guy.. the guy that we've created the image in our mind, and we live through it. bestow with soft hearts, we are failures to love. some of us may get lucky.. some of us may find that perfect guy who is perfect for us.. some of us may somehow wake up and realized the guy next to us is not the one for us..some of us may never stop hoping..some of us may believe that love is always a myth.. some of us just clueless..

to that girl, that smart girl, i wish her the best. she knew what's right and what's best for her... she can ask everybody for opinions.. but at the end of the day, she knew, she would always has her final says.

growing up

2011-04-04T16:41:00.000+08:00

gosh, time flies! the first quarter of the year has gone, and what have i achieved?
hmm...
...
the boys are off from school today. aidan had a terrible athma attacked and as for aimar, here's the story:
as usual, i will leave early for work, and their dad (when he's around) will takes care of the boys. this morning, as i reached the office, i couldn't get through neither my hubby nor my mum. my mum returned my call an hour after that, telling me the boys were not going to school today. i understand about aidan's, but aimar? my mum told me "he said he has flu"...for crying out loud, this is an answer a 63yo lady got from a 3 1/2 year old boy...he even told his gramps, if he were to go to school, it won't do any good to him as the class was fully air-conditioned! my,o,my.

i called up aidan's teacher today. had a long chat as we're a bit concerned on his reading. somehow, his teacher told me a contradictive feedback. yes, aidan is quite slow in picking up his readings, but he is still doing fine. he is one of the smart ones in the school. ok, every parents knew their kids are special in someways.. but also, realistically, i knew aidan is just an o-kay student.. but, listening to her teacher, i might be putting a high threshold for him.. his o-kay to me is among the best in his class.. his teacher told me, aidan is very selective.. he can switch on his trigger happy button whenever wherever, and i must agree with her.

kids nowadays, their minds work wonder. my earliest memory of missing school was when i was thirteen, and though i was sick on that day, i was still scared to confront my dad when he reached home. and now, here i am, dealing with these kind of stories and my boys have not even reached ten yet! i wonder what makes them so 'special' and 'different' as compared to me growing up. i wonder if my parents thought i was way advance from them when i was a kid.

somehow, we have to accept the fact, it's a different generation. we will be there to nurture and guide, but the kids will lead their life. it's the metamorphosis of life!

as a mum, i pray hard enough for their happiness in life.

irresistable

2011-03-25T15:18:00.000+08:00

lama rasa tak bercinta.....
...
i was listening to a very old song.. not that old la.. Joe's "No one else comes close to you".. and i was drifted away - perhaps the RM44 haagen daaz might play its effect on the feel-good hormone kot...

we were at his student's hall, just lazing around listening to the song, and the moment, though not much of doing anything was very serenading, and the memory is so soothing that keep reminding how glad i am to fall in love with this guy.

i must admit, with my bleeding throat due to terrible terrible sickness for the past weeks (months!), and my headaches as if there were huge big rocks on my head, and my horrible horrible backaches that made me could hardly walk-sit-sleep-and-even-pissed!, and my sleepless nights, and my sense of taste refuse to follow my stomach demand.....and the list goes on.......i just have one person to blame! it takes two to tango, and i was left alone with the sickening tiresome sickness! how fair could there be?

i must say, i am complaining.. if not out loud, my actions would definitely show them. and i still don't understand why he just couldn't stop smoking.. ok, he definitely try his very hard reducing the consumption.. but, if he care enough he would just stop rightaway (this is that pregnant woman talking!)

but then again, i heard the song.. one of our song, besides that butterfly song he dedicated to me .. it make me feels so good to have him to fall in love again and though he didn't say it as much as before (as if i do, la kan..), i just knew he loves me too, so much.

who would have put up with this crazy woman who refused to stay next to his husband at nights? especially when all the time he has together is very very limited. who would have bathe the boys while their mom lazing on the sofa, taking the long nap for almost all the time? the laundy was not done. lunch dinner was self-serviced. he's been away for a month, working his ass off, and coming back, he has to put up with all these shits..

i guess, it takes two to tango.. and i'm not the only one who has to suffer.

bang, i do love you..
...
p/s: once, he wrote me a poem, inspired from the movie 10 things i hate about you.. the poem is still around, but was in kemaman.. so, i'm pasting the poem from the movie.. just reminiscing feel good time..

10 things I hate about you poem

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

darn, i'm late

2011-03-24T11:08:00.000+08:00

the spm result is out today (i wrote this first paragraph yesterday). not that i care so much. but as i was listening to the radio, one of the candidate called in and was worried sick.. and the deejays told her "it's not the end of the world"....

it is! it's not the end of the world. my sis is a living-proof. considering where she is now, i always think she did so much better compared to me, career-wise in particular. her spm result was not good. but it was an early wake-up call to her. she did so badly in her spm that she had to struggle to get into good college. she, somehow, managed to go to one of those 2nd graders college for a term, scored impressively and got to change her college to a better one on her second term. she determined not to repeat her mistake. she was in the dean's list for six semester and no parents could have been more proud that mine when she graduated with flying colours. she deemed to further her studies oversea, and sadly, even with excellent result from top ten university, she still didn't managed to secure any scholarship - they told her that her subject was not 'critical', but we knew she didn't get it because she's not 'somebody's daughter' (sue me for this, but i knew i was right!). anyway, she went thru well, and even secured a job with a Fortune500 company before she completed her degree.

of course, the sour-grape me was saying she was in the art-stream, i was in an engineering school. but, i know and everybody knew that was pure envious remark. she worked hard after the wake-up call.

as for me, i wish i could have a chance to be give the wake-up call earlier rather than wait for my degree result.. hmm..not that i'm not thankful on what i've got. should most students were so franctic on the result's day, i looked forward for the day. i knew, another day that will make my parent proud of having me as their daughter. it's been smooth sailing all the while, until my degree results. though i've pretty much has prepared myself for the worst on that very day, i knew there's no point crying over the spilt milk, though it has been spilt for the past three years! i've paid my price though. after eleven years working, i am now earning barely rm50 more than my younger sis who has just been working for five years, and next month, she surely will top me up with that handsome increment she'll be getting.. well, it's not all about money. it's something that i can measure directly.

tu la orang cakap, rezeki orang..

again, i'm still thankful to what i have. i just wonder will things be different if i got the wake-up call at an earlier stage like my sis.

girlfriends

2011-03-18T16:08:00.001+08:00

there were five of them. they were young, very young, fresh and energetic. there were actually four plus one of them. the other one didn't live together,but she was there most of weekends and public holidays.

M, always the ms organizer, the chef.. she's so good in cooking, and her ayam masak lomak was so great, and it's salivating remembering.
Y, the smallest among them, but can impressed body with the biggest appetites ever.. they always wonder where all the food gone, obviously not to add a gram of her fats.
E, the youngest in age, though may not look as young (sour-grape). she has a gorgeous looking iranian-scottish stepbrother who speaks kelantanese fluently and the girls always find reasons to let his brother join their activities.
L, may be the eldest, but the most mischief ones if one must say. there was one day, she, usually not wearing headscarf, wore the headscarf and requested to borrow M's library card, which later admitted that she was banned from the library when she attempted to 'borrow' a book illegally... she said she wanted to own the book!
A, she didn't live together with them, but she kept herself updated with the clan. by the way, she's the drama queen. she missed her then-boyfriend, she would cried and called them. she lost a quarter, she cried. she's such a drama queen.

they were thousand miles away from family (except E who has a stepfather in Birmingham) and they were 'fairly' young. they were close, bestest friends ever. havoc was the word wherever they were. there was once, the half-dead manchester-piccaddaly square came to live when the four of them came and visited A. they were climbing the trees, rolled themselves on the park, screaming at the top of their lung like drunk silly bunch of ladies when what they had was just a cuppa from starbuck. they just could have care less. they were free. they did crazy stuff together. there force the boys to carry them up and race to the end of the road, just to challenge each other. of course, they ate a lot. too much for girls like them. they could woke up in the middle of the night (and always Y would be the one who complaint of being hungry) and started pounding the garlic for some hot and spicy fried rice. and they stayed up thru out the nights, trying to figure out what was displayed in that starry blurry free porn channel they got the reception by incident. they slept when they were tired, and woke at the evening, getting confused on daylights and nighttimes. they dressed badly with that same old sweatshirt and those headscarves that gramps wore to asda. they really didn't care about their appearance, and no wonder there were always boys around to join the fun together, but never bother to woo them.

and reflecting back, that was fourteen years ago.

M, decided not to come back to her home country, worked in Dublin, found her true love, a handsome tall irish guy. they got married in a sweet romantic resort in marbella and now blessed with one beautiful baby girl.
E, knew she won't be coming home, fell for a spanish hunk, got hitched and happily blessed with cute charming selena.
L, who could have guess, with her hijab, she's a changed better person. got married to a british, a very religious convert, and they are now in UAE raising two boys of their own.
Y, came back to her family, married to her then-collegues and blessed with two handsome boys.
A, knew she would come back to her home, married to her beau and could have stop complaining about how difficult to raise two active boys.. and she's now leading the girls with the third addition in the family on its way, and still a drama queen.

they have their own life. they've grown to become beautiful ladies with manners and well-educated. they rarely have a chance to see each other. but they knew, what they've shared were a lifetime sweet memories that they will cherished forever.

they'll be friends forever and they'll do just fine!

go away!

2011-03-07T16:51:00.000+08:00

the old-grandma advises every pregnant lady not to talk about anybody you hates or your unborn child will end up like the person... gosh.. touch wood...

if that is true, i have big problem. i hate this particular person and i couldn't keep a distance from her and i couldn't tell you why here and she insisted she's a friend. i don't understand how can a person be soooo stupid.. i may not be hostile to her just because, but i was not kind to her. when she said something, i'm sure i have more things to condemn and being sacarstic to her rather than supporting her remarks.... and stilllllllllllll........ she will ignorantly try to chat up with me, trying to feed me with her 'juicy' story and i just can't stop vomitting!

the problem was, i led her to the path at the early stage. when she condemned about things, i just stay silent, as if i was agreeing with her.

and after these years, its too late to turn back time.

i can ignore her, and reply her statements with sacarsm, and drop hints to her that she ain't noble, and yet, she can be as subtly blunt and stupid as she is now, keep on thinking i'm her friend.

i guess we have one strong link in common, and she just need that link to gossip about 'internal' things to share her opinion.. as if she is noble enough!

yup, i mean you! bugger off lah!

aimar demam

2011-03-03T12:10:00.000+08:00

when i was pregnant with aimar, i was worried that i couldn't cope with aidan. he was only a year and three month old.

but he was an easy boy. he was kind to me. the instance i told him that i have to stop breastfeeding him, there were no arguments and dramas like other kids would throw. everything went well, he didn't complaint with bottlefed, and i didn't remember i have to 'fight' over my breast with him.. of course, my husband were offshore half of the time, and i was in kemaman back then. but, thank to my MIL as she was there, and somehow, as i'm writing this, i missed her masak singgang... it was a simple dish, but no one could have done it best than her.. hmm.. i must insist on her cooking that dish for me any time sooner! my sickness was not any good, but aidan was great, and never gets on my nerve.

now, as i'm pregnant, again, i have two boys of my own. to-date, i've been literally 'abandoning' them. i was lucky enough to have my mum, dad, aunts, cousins, sister and all others to help to me to take care of them... to be exact, to take care of us. i stopped the laundry, the ironing.. the everything. the sickness is unbearable, and i just wished i could get back on my feet as soon as possible...

as i woke up in the middle of the night, i was all alone.. neither aidan nor aimar nor both of them were next to me. it has been like that for the past few nights.. the boys normally sleep with me, on the same bed, but lately, them moving left and right trying to dozed off did not help much with my headaches.. always end up i would be increasing my volume, and voluntarily they would go to gramps's room and sleep... and this morning, as i woke up, i went to give aimar a peck, and felt sudden heat on his cheek.. gosh, he's down with fever, and where was i through out the night? kesian my dear kiddo! i felt so guilty!!!!!!!

strength

2011-03-02T15:35:00.000+08:00

as much as i want to write about other things, my health condition won't allow me to do so. yup, am ten weeks pregnant and this whole pregnancy thingy is taking its toll on me, and i could hardly be as creative as i wish i could be!

i'm tired. for the past few weeks, i had this insomnia attacked almost every nights. i would wake up in the middle of the night, my head would thumped like mad, and all i could do was to lie-in on the bed for the next two to three hours before i could fall asleep again, and had to woke up an hour after that for work.

my emesis - nothing new with that. been vomitting continuously, and just couldn't get any decent food when the attacked were there. so far, i've been admitted twice due to dehydration. last week was worst. i could barely walked! and i was practically all by myself, considering my dear hubby was miles away (looking for the money to pay for the hospital bills..and it's not few!darn ING and the new scheme policy)...

the backaches were different. i used to ahve sever backaches on my third trimester.. but, this time, it comes early and horrible! i sometimes could hardly stand the pressure.. just unbearable..

i am so confused.

i've been pregnant twice, and i always have something else to complain for this third one.

i'm sure it worth all the pain.. but there's another thirty more weeks to go.. i really need to gather all the strength!

lost love, lost life

2011-02-17T14:19:00.000+08:00

a guy friend just lost his wife last two weeks; they lost to a battle, with cancer. it was a sad sob story. i got goosebumped reading the announcement email, and another goosebumped when i heard the story. the wife was diagnosed with liver cancer three years ago. there were not married then. he proposed to her last March so that he could take care of her when she was sick. he stuck by her and truth to his word. he was there till her last breath.

gosh, it is a scary thoughts. i don't know to deal with it should it happen to me. and all i can do is pray religiously that it doesn't happen to me or to anyone i know. it is beyond thinking.

my husband been travelling on and off..often, and far. he risks his life, especially when the corporate been thinking what's best to safe money rather than to practise good HSE. i keep on praying if anything happen to him, or me, (touch wood, Nauzubillah), how do we cope and react.. in short term and long term. it is still beyond my thinking.

when you lost someone you love,it is never a funny business. i attended a funeral of a good old friend's dad. her mum passed away two years ago, and now, it was his dad. she's not married but blessed with good siblings and nieces and nephews. she's a strong girl. she broke down when she saw us, and we broke down too. i never met his father when he was healthyly alive. and i sill felt the lost.

if only we can opt not to lose anybody we love and know....

luv ma mama

2011-02-16T15:06:00.000+08:00

we love and respect both our parents dearly, but then again, please do not doubt that, if we have to choose, live or dead, your mum or your dad, the likely answer would be your mum!

not because she's a woman.. but she's a very special woman. yup, your dad would die for you too (some, may be even consider that), but your mum did put her life at risk the moment you decided to reside in her womb.

imagine a cyst, a 0.05nanometer cyst in your body. as a normal human body, your body would react to that stranger. definitely would.. and imagine a life form in your body. at the seventh week, surprisingly measuring to only 12.33mm, you could really take control of that old lady body!

her hormones haywired. she's hungry but she could hardly eat. she's thirsty but she vomitted. she could even stand, much to do other things, even taking her own bath.

those are worst scenarios.. and agree with me when i said i wasn't exagerating.

ok, of course your dad will be there for you.. he had to bear with that whiny clingy mum of yours who wanted everything and decided later on she couldn't take anything. to the extent, he had to increase his volume coz your mum just don't bother listening, and he knew he did what is best for both his wife and the baby.

but then again, before we were 'complete' human, mum and all parts of her body, nerves, hormones, bones, muscles..everything is there, to get us to the world, safe and healthy.

of course, the growing up, dad will be in the picture, together with mum. mum can't do it alone, though there will be one in a million jewels of single parent who outshines others.. but by nature, both mum and dad supposed to be there for you, and as a kid you supposed to love and care for them for the rest of your life, as much you owe them your life!

on the other hand, nobody can compensate that 40 weeks (more or less) us trying to be comfortable and that warm womb of our mommies....

it is positive

2011-01-31T10:38:00.000+08:00

the two auditors passed by. they've been passing by for the past one week, but never did the nose caught them that strong.. but today, as they passed by, north and south, she just couldn't stand it - the smell.. the cigarattes' smell. the smell were so strong, and she just couldn't take it. she rushed to the ladies, just to vomit, for she just couldn't stand the smell. few minutes later, her sister called her, telling that she's on sick leave. she shared with her the good news. she's expecting. after the traumatic ectopic preganancy she's gone thru a year ago, she is now positively on week five. long way to go. and of course both the sisters are happy with the news. before going off to lunch, she went to the loo, again, to vomit. her head was thumping. her vision blurred. she's just not feeling well. after the good lunch with her bff, she decided to go to the pharmacy. she was two days late. with the vomitting and strong smell sense, she thought she might be positive for hpt. but then again, she come to her senses. she missed her breakfast, and might cause the headache and vomitting earlier. and so, off to her workstation. as it was time to go back, she decided to go to the pharmacy before heading to the carpark. she bought the package. the cheapest one. as she reached home, toilet was her destination. the instruction states to wait for five minutes, but she doesn't have to wait that long. there were two pink bands appeared on the result window, and she knew she was right.

of course she's happy. she wanted another addition in the family, her youngest child (for the time being) is big enough to call himself 'abang'. and of course, deep inside, if she could hope and pray hard enough, a baby girl would do perfect in the family picture. but then again, if it meant to be another boy, she knew she wouldn't mind..

be it a boy or a girl, one thing for sure, she'll be suffering through out the trimesters. not the first three months, not only in the morning. she had it once, and twice.. never learned from her lessons, huh?

her nose would be super-duper sensitive sensoring bad or good smell.. everything is too strong. her hubby's would even need to make sure to take his shower before he goes to bed, or she would just tell him off " your smell is so strong".. be it the cigaratte smell, the perfumes, the deodarants, the fresherners, the food, the sauted garlic, the medicine, the everything... she just couldn't stand it... she would claims it too strong, though, to other 'normal' human being she might be exagerating.

her tounge would run-out of salivas. she just want to wash away her mouth with everything. but she knew she couldn't take anything strong. the spicy food would be too strong for the throat (when she threw out). the plain soup would be tasteless and all she needs a decent food to fill her tummy. the everything taste incomplete and she just need something to satisfy her bud taste, but couldn't (and doubt that she would figure out to) satisfy her taste sense.

her head would keep on thumping, as if the disco beat never stopped playing. this is why, all she wanted to do all day is to lie down on that bed. and once a while, off to the toilet to throw out. she wanted to do that for the rest of forty weeks!

good luck dear you...

speechless

2011-01-28T09:26:00.000+08:00

part of my normal every morning routine would be to check out the FB - and i stumbled upon reading the comment below:

if the picture is not clear enough, what made me stumbled was the comment... here's the story: this was on the wall of my resident comunity FB page. one of the resident was thanking everybody for spending time coming to her kenduri doa selamat. another resident replied, thanking this particular resident, the hostess, for inviting. and the hostess reply stunned me "........happy sgt tgk ramai yg dtg. mlm smlm x pegi ke rumah jiran kat jln .. ke. die pun ada buat hse warming gak, warming aje. bukan doa slmt.."

what the heck???? she (the hostess) was invited to a house warming, and can simply wrote on the community wall, it was just a house warming, not those religous doa selamat kenduri.

the person who invited her to the house warming might have regretted inviting the hostess to death! i know i would. yes, islam do encourage us to do kenduri doa selamat, some-sort like religious way of house warming, but that would take some preparation. for once, we might want to arrange for the imam to recite the doa, and being in a new community, this might need proper planning and arrangement. house warming, on the other hand, would be more casual, serving simple food, just an introductory session to get-to-know your neighbours.

and this blardy hostess could have a sense, oppss.. no sense at all by putting that remats on the public wall. stupid! stupid!stupid!

i am not sooo looking forward to stay in that house. but, with that nice lamps that we've bought, that nice glitter curtains i've paid the deposit, that great simple kitchen i'm looking forward to see the end result, that house would be our home. hmm...

i came to the house last week, just to look around on things, and our backdoor neigbour said hi, and simply asked my hubby "are you renting the house?"... so, we don't look like the owner? but if we were to rent, who would bother renting a house who was not in a condition of living, i.e. no lights, no kitchen etc.. the question he threw to us was rude, at least that's how i feel! blardy arrogant neighbours!

anyway, i don't think i would be inviting anybody in that neighbourhood to either my house warming or kenduri, if there'll be any! imagine me bringing the house down with my divas friends around..... cool... so cool... gear up girls!

Unlocking the Interlok

2011-01-28T08:43:00.000+08:00

i just stumbled upon hearing the news on how our politicians have discussed and decided on the whole issues. silly old mew!

i'm a no fan of deep literature readings, especially my mother-tounge's. i enjoy reading, but not much of those written by A Samad Said, Usman Awang or even Abdullah Hussain who turned famous over his Interlok book.
the government has decided that the piece of literature of Abdullah Hussain to remain as part of the syllabus for the Form 5.. however, they'll be amendment to remove the word "Pariah" that supposedly an insult to the indians!

i did not really follow and care much about the current issues back here. somehow, our politicians are very good in politicking every single issues!

i read Oliver Twist for English Lit when I was in Form 1. if I were an orphan, i would strongly fight for my fellow orphanage for allowing Oliver Twist to be read at school for students as early as thirteen years old. not all orphanage are bad and poor.

Ok, that maybe a bad example!

but what i'm trying to say; politicians, hands-off the literature la. And what make it even stupidier (if there's such word), how could they even authorized to decide to change (or amend as they claimed) what's in that piece of art? that is way off the limit. if they think the art is a piece of threat, might as well removed it rather than amend it. this is all so silly, and kudos to malaysian politicians for proving how stupid a leader can be! agreeing to amend even a single letter in that piece of literature shows the dumb a moron can be!

again, i'm no writer, apatah lagi a karyawan.. but, as i blog, and when somebody tried to argue about my writing, i know, for sure, i can write whatever i want to write, however i want it to be. nobody can give a damn instruction to say i'm in no position in voicing my mind out loud. and if you just couldn't understand what i was writing, don't ask me to help if you are illiterate! literature is meant to be intepret by oneself, just stop overanalysing!

A Famosa Resort, Melaka - A Fallacious Marketting

2011-01-24T12:30:00.000+08:00

Should anyone decided to make a trip to the 'famous' A Famosa Resort, Melaka - DON'T BOTHER!!!! They cheat!

At least, that's how i felt, and at times of writing this, even after more than 48 hours, i'm still pissed off!

The picture enclosed was from the official A Famosa Resort Melaka site (http://www.afamosa.com/main.php?m=Content&op=page&id=160), specifically stated, if I need to quote and re-quote "The Condotel has its own swimming pool"... what they didn't tell you is that - the pool is located a drive away, yup, if you were to walk, you would sweat on to and fro the pool, and it is a shared pool as that pool is owned by a different condo, the public owners and even few units were rented to students. If i opted not to use that pool, i need to go to the paid waterpark, and required to pay full charges for the whole family. and to my surprise as i asked "i was told in the net that there'll be pool in the condo", i was given an answer by the boy in-charge "our pool is under renovation". as i've started to increase my volume and asked why didn't anyone informed me about this, and to add salt to the wound, there were a smartly dressed lady, in full suit, gave me her silly piece of mind "we don't know what's the arrangement between you and kl office".. and that was it! i exloded. especially when this rude biatch was the manager in-charge. i asked for her business card, and she shoved me the standard a famosa resort card, with no name. i asked her to write her name, and she just wrote "nabeeha".. and what i can rudely conclude was she might be an illegitimate kid and don't have a family name.. of course, i asked for her family name, which she reluctantly wrote "ismail". for a resort who proudly claimed so many awards, as stated in their site, having a manager like her is really a shame!

that's the pool story - next come the other story - i asked that blardy biatch about the theme park packages, and she gave me this piece of paper with price list, and showed me the weekend rate.. which they claimed the 'shoulder rate'. what i don't understand, it was freaky friday, and i was in melaka..how could it be weekend on friday? she answered me "it is for us"... stupid! idiot! stupid! as i scrutinized and asked if there's any published documentation stating friday is weekend for the resort, as expected, she failed to do so.

i was so pissed off to argue, and off to the safari park.

as i wanted to pay for the ticket, and planning to buy the ticket for the safari and cowboy town, i was trashed with another silly statement.. the girl behind the counter proposed to me just buy the ticket for the safari, as she said that if i were to buy the cowboy town ticket, and and should there'll be heavy rain at night, there'll be no show and no refund of the money, and the ticket only valid for one day!!!!!! imagine a tourist from europe who googled about malaysian weather and expected raining season throughout the year heard that! how would i know what was the weather like, and how could there be no refund? and if i were to buy the ticket separately, i would estimately waste 20% of my money....

even i wasn't sincere, we've decided to buy the package and pray the weather was on our side.

the first few hours in a famosa, i knew it won't be fun. of course, we went to the wild wild west show, multianimal show, elephant show and bird show. it was ok. my boys enjoyed it.

but in the safari park, it was five to five and its closes at five. we decided to try our luck and queue for the safari ride. the first bus were nearly full, and if we were to squeeze, we couldm but that would mean we will need to sit separately and not in a row of seat as a family. there were also another three family, which justify for another bus, but would be half full. the first bus left us, and the next bus came. but before that, the grumpy old chinese driver was heard grunting and commenting to the keeper that all of us could fit into the bus earlier. as his remarks being ignored, he still drove us. but, with the sand and everything, entering the safari area, he drove fast, and could even catch up with the earlier bus halfway. blardy bugger.. how could we enjoy what we should have?

back from safari, i went to the counter, to get my key to the condo room. of course that rude biatch manager was there, and was whispering to one of the boy.. very professional of her (and i am beign sacarstic). and to add to my dismay, the girl who was supposed to gave me the key to my room gave me a surprised remark by telling me "your room is not in this tower, it's at tower two". and i just couldn't take it anymore. i knew i was rude when i screamed to that girl "i don't work and live here, and how could i know which tower is my room. could anyone bother to show us where we were supposed to live?"... and the bellboy took the key card, and still, left my bag at the lobby, expecting me to carry it! the manager who managed has really managed her people well! i was just losing my patience and everything seems wrong.

ok, the room was luxury. for rm388 (and even i paid for rm300 as discounted by my bff at her own expense), it still couldn't make up for the 'pool under renovation' and that sial manager.. i just can't stop swearing to her, and am totally sorry for my language.

then, off we go for the cowboy town park. good that it wasn't ready. but, i was surprised that the cover charges we've paid were only for that parade while all other rides that the could would want to play on were on separate tab! and dinner was on us and the steakhouse suck big time, with not much choices, and overpriced and tasteless food. the parade was ok, but that never could make up to my frustration.

i couldn't express so much dismay in this write. whenever i think of it, i can only conclude, i would never come to this place, ever, again, at my own expenses.. even if it was at no charge, it would still cost me my energy and my bad experiences... it is a total waste.

there's so much things that can be improved.. talking about melaka being a negeri maju.. yarrr rriigghhtttt...

i even now doubt to go to all these places if it is in malaysia. all they could think of is how to make money out of every single thing, without strategically thinking of returning customers and marketing-through-words of-mouth!

if my friend would ask me should they bring their family for a weekend breakaway there, i would definitely against it. sunway lagoon would be sufficient enough! and, o, another thing, the a famosa is promoting that you need to stay over to enjoy everything...but as the parade show will normally end by 10pm, i think you could just shoot off back to kl after that.. and won't cause you lots of pain dealing with arrogant manager.... agghhhh.. i hate her guts, as much as she hated mine!

oo.. and guess what, i attempted to write a comment in a famosa resort fanpage in the FB.. to realized that my access has been blocked! why can't they just explain to me politely that i was wrong?... if i really was la..

so, next, am writing to their customer service, and we'll see if i would get any respond from there!

sizzling hot

2011-01-19T11:03:00.001+08:00

being spoilt is never a good thing.
...

woke up this morning, to find out the heater was out of service, and the only option was that cold water to add in the cold wednesday morning. puurrfect! how i wish i can opted to just brushed my teeth and washed my face and off to work. but then again, i would feel very uncomfortable not to stop wondering if i stink and the person next to me could simply knew the bad smell was me! .. hence, with a very strong courage, i took my bath, in that freezing minus zero degree cold water.. (ok, am exaggerating!).. it was cold, damn cold.. i was shivering, literally.. and i was reminded, it's been a while since i had a good cold shower in the morning, early morning.

i spent most of my time growing up at my gramp's. they were not rich, they were poor, very, i would say. both my parents were not rich neither. though i grew up in the city, i still live like everybody in the kampung (i guess). i woke up as early as 5:30 in the morning. should we woke up late, nenek would be screaming at the top of her lung. we would take our quick fifteen minutes bath, in that cold freezing minus twenty degree water (another exaggeration!), performed our prayers, and off to either school or the morning quran classess.. after school, we would take our bath again, and in the evening another bath to complete the day. of course, during fasting month would be more for me.. once a while, when my dad was assigned for the outstation job, we would tag along, and those were the times we could enjoyed the hot water in the tub.. it was always a pleasure.

only when i was studying in that freezing cold llantwit major (and i was not exaggerating this time), i could hardly pick the blue tap. the cold tap water was insignificance. and being spoilt for five years, i keep complaining when i came back for holidays and had to take my bath in that cold water shower. of course, my dad did not entertain me on that request, though most of the time i would consider i'm the spoilt one among my siblings!

then, i got married. i considered myself lucky as my hubby was so used to hot water, that his family home has water heater installed in all three bathrooms in their house. talking about spoilt, huh!

when we moved into our house in bukit kuang, water heater top the list.

when i was under confinement with aimar, i bought the water heater in my dad's.

and today, i was shiverring cooolllldddddd.... as if i never ever 'touched' cold water before.

and as for our new house, we've agreed to at least installed two water heater, for us and for the boys/guests.

i called up to check on the boys this morning. my husband told me that the water heater is up and running.. but as i'm reflecting this, i wonder, my boys would definitely miss those time in their life, enjoying that cold water shower from that big kolah where the coldness could crept in up to the bones! that would be a luxury to them should they could experience that! hmmm... kesian la pulak..kan..

nosy neighbours

2011-01-18T12:04:00.002+08:00

as we couldn't secure the corner lot unit nor the end lot unit of the new house that we are moving in, i told my hubby to pick the row that are less malays.. but of course, just to found out, most units that are most chinese were up for sale by the agents! gosh, padan muka.

anyway, i don't have anything against malay. i'm sure, be it malay, chinese or indians, the issue would be the same. but, with different culture and belief, we have more excuse not to socialize.. at least, that's how i stand.

i'm comfortable not to have friends around. call me stuck-up and snobbish, but, i'm not so into making new friends and getting closer than i wish i could with my neighbours. we haven't officially stayed in our new house. just managed to complete the house grills. the plan is to move in the next two and half months time. last weekend, as my hubby was loading the lights to the storeroom under the stairs, and while i was up stairs, measuring the windows for the curtains, i heard my hubby was talking to somebody. as i came down, i saw him with three kids - a 10,8 & 6-year old kids. they were 'interrogating' him, asking for details of when are we going to move in and so forth. i would just say 'fuck off'.. gosh, my hubby, in his best, been telling me that the kids must have come to him voluntarily..my thoughts, and am definitely sure, keep telling me, their nosy mum send them off.. c'mon, please send all four of your kids and ask what i'm wearing, what's cooking and whatever la..

i just don't understand - if she really wanted to find out the details, she could just come by. she's just nice door, and she could have just say hello. i know i could do that, but fact is, i don't feel like making any friend, not at that time. and what happen was pure rude.

i have nothing against her being a good muslimah, with all the tudung and everything.. but, she sure doesn't know to remind her kids not to be nosy..

suddenly, i was reminded of my neighbours back in kemaman. i was snobbish, arrogant city girl. i dare to be me, though i knew, these neighbours of mine were all i have when my hubby went offshore and my parents

were miles away. (i knew i can't depend to that particular 'beras' of mine). being in kemaman, hot and hot, i prefer to lock myself up in the house, with my sleeveless and shorts and the air-cond on. i should definitely be those to be in the neighbourhood boycott's list. somehow, my neighbours were great people. they still invited me for any event. they still smiled and talked to me whenever. their kids get along well with my kids. and they didn't ask things that they think they don't have to ask. they were definitely not the kinf of people that i think they would be... and i hope, these new neighbours of mine would turn up the same.. just don't bother things that i don't want to share with them... and don't send their kids to spy on me!..

but if they don't, i always have my loud families and my good bffs to make enough noise to shut them off!

tron legacy

2011-01-18T11:11:00.001+08:00

it was a great fun night out.. i wished we could have done that on weekly basis, but i guess that was a bit too ambitious of me.
...
it was friday's night, and i was home early. we were supposed to have a post-birthday dinner for my mum, but somehow deferred (indefinitely) due to her toe's condition. so, we were proposing movie night out. we've showed both the narnia and tron trailers to the boys, thanks to youtube. aidan decided to pick tron, and aimar wanted to see the lion in narnia.

as we've decided just to settled for wangsa walk, and considering both narnia and tron would not be the movie i would pick, we managed to convince aimar to join us for tron. the cinema there was superb. i love the seats, spacious and comfy.

aimar told us that he would want to have a seat by himself. normally, he would just sit on my lap.. he sat next to me, while both my and hubby were in between the boys. aimar put both his arms on the armrest, trying to make himself comfortable, while both me and hubby were enjoying looking at how he looked like a robot as the armrest was way too far for him. aidan was enjoying every seconds of the movie. he was so soaked into it, and just couldn't stop talking when he was amazed with things. it was a great view to see both of them, enjoying the things they enjoyed, without fightings!

half way through, aimar decided to sit on our lap as it was getting colder in the cinema. he sat on hubby's lap, and i myself squeezed myself towards him.. it was cold! and it was fun too.. i did that when we went out dating, and it seems like ages ago. my hubby was having fun too. three important person in his life were all literally clingy on him, and he really cherished the moment. as the movie ended, he was holding both aimar's and my hand. another moment that he pointed, he used to hold my hands, and now he's guiding the boys and me..

how time changes.

but talking about quality time, we all had that night! there would definitely be a repeat for many more movie nights...

oo.. and the movie was ok, but the time spent was grreaattt... and aimar actually 'watched' the movie when he pointed out "kan girl tu keluar sama ngan boy tu".. meant - he watched the movie!

so, what?

2011-01-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

i've just finished reading my favourite columnist column in TheStar and suddenly felt like blogging, despite of my hectic work schedule (yarr right). she was writing about how rude the US immigration officer was to her, and she ended the column by telling "how good to be home".. and she meant KL, as she was greeted by this nice M'sian immigration chap. she's a Brit, by the way. so, i'm not sure if she would get the same smile if she was a malay Malaysian, greeted by a lady officer..
...

talking about rude, i frankly might have some issue. some people love to take advantage when we are struggling not to be rude. i've completed one paper yesterday, assisting other department... and the manager have asked me to do another task, which i wish my manager would say no on my behalf, but end up, she said it's all up to me.. and i wish i could be rude and say no to the other manager, but, on my current situation being an 'efficient' newbies, i don't see much option for me to be rude.

being a person who has been trained to speak her mind out, i normally chose to speak my mind out loud. and i guess, that would be the main reason i have not many bffs, and i am ok with that. my bffs speak their mind out, telling us facts and figures, and i don't find it rude. but somehow, these habits of ours were perceived as being rude.. c'mon.. of course we don't give a damn, but somehow, people will still care.. you people! that is rude, you know!

yesterday, i've made mistake, a big one.. my hubby yelled at me, and i think it was rude, very rude. somehow, he said sorry, and i still gave him the cold treatment.. and only to realized, it was me at fault as i started it, and i shouldn't
argued about him being rude when i was rude to him too.. gosh, relationship!.. and i am sorry!

to think of it, it is difficult not to be rude. we may think what we've done is acceptable while people saw it as us being rude. should there be no good hearts being hurt, we might want to think before we act what was directed by that brain of ours.

...
and of course, not giving me that jubah is rude too... hahahahaha.. i must mentioned this, must i?

fair share

2011-01-12T09:21:00.000+08:00

she's too weak she could hardly eat. nope, she's not shorts of money, he's having an affair
p/s: she's not me, la kan..
...

i don't understand why men decided to get married, ~~when~~ if in the end they've forgotten their very own wedding vows. as an islam, muslim men tend to take advantage on the previlege of poligamy bestowed upon them. i am in no position to argue or explain about poligamy, as i may said and interpreted things differently. but for sure, as a muslimah, i knew well that if you can't be fair, you can't share your love. men said they can be fair, and i'd say "BULLSHITS!!"...

i am married to a man. looking at my struggling aunties and friends, the single mums, i know i should be greatful to have met and married to that husband of mine. nope, he ain't a noble person, but for now, insyaallah, should both if us knew our responsibilities to each other, never to hurt each other, i know i'll be fine. but on the other hand, i knew those struggling aunties and friends of mine are much better off being single mums rather than sticking by their rat-men. last week, there were another pang to our family. my aunt fainted and her elder son picked her up at the office. and his son called me and told me that his dad is having an affair and mama just couldn't eat neither sleep and don't want to tell anybody, even the hubby. this uncle of mine, much to my embarassment, is no rich neither good looking. his wife is so obidient, and even hide hideous stories about her kids' behaviours from him, just so to avoid family conflict, which always end up we threatening his wife to tell him the truth. his wife work her ass off and sometimes even borrow money from her siblings, despite of the cold remarks from her siblings, just because she need to make sure there's things to be served on the table. his wife maintains her figure, and for a mid-forty lady with four kids, i must say, she still can impressed other guys. his wife is my auntie.the affair - a four-year-old senior from his elder son! four-fucking-years!..twenty years different with him.. staying up north.. and that's all we can figure out for the time being.
what we knew, this blardy husband can simply text his not-wife-girlfriend that she needs to be in kl, and he'll figure out the expenses.

and excuse my French - what the bloody fucking hell! you can't even give proper food to your wife and kids, and you are giving assurance to that girl who could even be your own daughter! i may want to wish, one day, a guy with four kids will sweep away your daugther's feet and she'll just abandon her family for that guy!.. but then again, that daughter of yours would be my cousin, and so, if you may not be there for that, i know, we, the cousins, will be there to 'kill' her first before she could imagine doing that!

and guys, what is wrong with you people? just because you got that oversea assignment for two weeks, suddenly you are a millionaire who can afford four wives? just because you think you can still perform in bed, suddenly you are Don Juan De Marco? just because your wife didn't ask for that and this and didn't complaint how bad a husband you've been, suddenly you think you are the husband of lifetime? and you will just jump into "Islam allows men to marry up to four" and forgetting the portion thereafter that "you have to be fair - not a second less, not a dime more"...

....
am too angry to conclude!

finally there

2011-01-07T12:11:00.000+08:00

and so they said "age is just a number"
...

gosh, with the new year, i just realized that another year added to my age. i was thirty three, and this coming October will officially be thirty four. i realized that.. all this while.. but writing it down, posting this blog, i feel ancient.

a colleague from a different department drop by my cubicle. been working together with him on this one particular paper for the past month. all this while, it was me droping by his cubicle to discuss on things. so, to receive a surprised visit from him without notice was a surprised. apparently, he went to the 52nd floor as he need to submit some papers to another colleague of mine.. and mind you, that paper is less value than mine, if we were to compare. and as i asked him sacarstically, he answered me short and simple, " she's not married, so higher priority".. and fyi, this guy just got married less than a year! after few meetings and discussions, we are comfortable to be sharing these 'hostile' remarks, vice versa.

then again, this same person told me, "somebody been checking you out, and i shoot them off by telling your hubby's working in brazil".. i told him that he should tell people i'm a mother of two. and frankly, i'm ok with that.. as a mother of two, i still look good and gorgeous in my own way. and he replied "the guys would be more interested in knowing their competitor rather than your extra baggage!".. so, i take that as a compliment.

so, as we aged, we are less attractive, huh? well, when a lady needs to mentioned her age, i guess that would be the first thing thah popped into everyone mind.

but of course, there's nothing wrong with growing older.. we become more mature, full of experience, and more wiser, no doubt. in a blink of his eye, we knew he tried to hide things from you. and we don't mind confronted him, intelligently. in a gasp of her breath, we knew she hesitated to tell the whole truth. and we have this sixth sense to smell her every single move.

there were remarks calling me 'hot mama'.. this is when they want to get advise from me. how did i maintain my figure, how did i struggle with the boys. how did i manage to stay cocky with style. so, all these come with experience. those 'youngsters' look up to me, to share my experience.

of course i look up to people who is older than me. in particular, my bff.. i called her kak, a token of respect, but i keep forgetting that she is like few years senior than i am. i always thought she's the same age of me. and she has a younger heart than i do, believe me, she does! and she's always there, willingly to share with us anything we want to know.. up to the stage "how do we cut onion?"... i googled to her before i gooled to google on things i need to know.

therefore, after writing this post, though i'm reaching mid thirties and sound like a sixty year old grandma.. i know i can just be like the wine.. the older it gets, the better its value.

so, am all prepared to age with style... of course, i'm into those anti-aging, lifting moisturizer.. anyone?

the gift

2011-01-05T08:42:00.000+08:00

time is not to be given, time to be shared
...

thanks to Carol, i finally finished reading both books that she gave me for Christmas. i like both book, not really soaked into it, but, easy reading always great right after we finished the whole book.

one of the two is the gift by cecelia ahern. i might share the same opinion with my fav blogger, red scoot, on this book. it's a so-so book, not the chic-lit book that would glue me to it 24-7. cecelia is not really in my favourite. which reminds me, up until today, i still haven't finished reading the novel-turn-movie p.s. i love you.. the movie was too good to be spoiled with such a boring dragging torturous novel!

back to the gift, i must admit that it's true when she said time is not to be given, but to be shared. we often heard and used the statement "ok, give me five minutes".. fact is, we share that five minutes, the giver and the taker.

as i'm writing this, my dear hubby is on his way back home. gosh, it's been a while, without realizing. and at least, that what most of people would say.. "eh, it's been a month dah? sekejap nye.".. me, on the other hand, is planning for the next twenty five days to ensure that it would be fulfilled as wise possibly, no wastage on the limited time given for us to be shared until the time when he'll be flying off back to work :(

without realizing, another month and another year, and that's it..

so, God have granted us 365 days a year,12 months a year, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 seconds an hour.. until last october, i've lived up to 17bill seconds of my life. how bizzare would it sound when we keep complaining that time was never on our side?

Lou, the main character in the book, was lucky to be given chances to say goodbye to his loved ones, despite his horrible irresponsible attitude as a hubby, father, brother and son. I doubt that i would be that lucky!

Really need to appreciate what i have in lines!

...
the writing style is easy, but weird.

first day

2011-01-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

gosh, been stucked in front of the desktop, clicking the buttons and refreshing the screen... after two hours, i'm no way near to doing 'real' work!.. and i shouldn't take the blame. four-days-weekend was way too long for anybody!!

it was the first day of school yesterday. as for aidan, it was his third year..but for aimar, it was his first. he was ecstatic. they both went to the same kindy. as this kindergarten is a franchised, i could cancel the bag, shoe and sock adn even the stationeries from my shopping list. i 'have' to buy what they have for to offer for the kids. hence, the 'mood' of buying new bags, the school shoes and socks were not to be felt by the boys. by right, i shouldn't have to worry about the stationeries too... somehow, my boys didn't care much when i was excitedly asking them what character do they want for their pencil case, which at the end, i settled in chosing kamen rider for them... it's true, having two boys are boring when it come to shopping list! no matter how creative a mother could be, the shopping will always be a boring one.. and expensive too!...

anyhow, yesterday, as i woke up as early as possible, aimar was also awake. i did asked him to go back to sleep, but he refused. he asked if he could get dressed for school, and it was two hours away. must be the adrenalin boost. aidan was still asleep. i got aimar dressed as per his request. and then, aidan... somehow, i wished i could do that every morning. i, deep inside, do miss preparing those boys, getting them ready for the day. since i was back here, i couldn't find time to do so. it would be too early for them if i were to get them ready, and i don't really have the heart to disturbed their sweet sleeps. hence, most of the time, either atuk or aboh will prep them in the morning. i always knew i do miss the intimacy and moment giving them morning bath, forcing them to brush their own teeth, wrap the towel around them, dress them up.. i won't be doing that when they are older, and regretfully now, even when they still need my handy help, i couldn't do that for them. it is a sad fact.

well, i drove them to school, being it the first day. poor hubby of mine is still on his way back, and hence couldn't be there, the first day..but we've already booked his leave for next year as it's gonna be aidan's big year.. the primary..
on the way to school, aimar asked me if i were to bring everybody to his schools' concert, that would normally be at the end of this year.. this kid, he had all planned out - his schoolyears...

aidan was being a good taiko. nope, he didn't intend to stick by his adik, but he was there most of the time. i left them half and hour after the school starts..they seems fine. as i came back to pick them up, aimar was sitting by the stairs, listening to his teacher's order to sit, and i called upon him when he told me "i have to wait for abang"... cute..really cute.. abang got stucked with being the six years old class, and they were the last to come down. i was too excited to ask aimar his first day of school, as i forgot about aidan. somehow, aidan was telling me he was doing fine being the senior. aimar, still in the school mood, and he's looking forward for the school day tomorrow.

i left them undone this morning. with a kiss, sweet tender kiss. i'm gonna miss them while i'm gone. they won't, i'm sure.. but, when the call upon "mama dah balik" with that sweet smiles on their happy faces, i know i will miss them again tomorrow and the day after..

they grow up fast!

it's been a pleasure

2010-12-30T15:27:00.001+08:00

been reading all my 77 entries... time flies, and we do know that. and having this blod, re-reading them again as the year comes to its end agrees with me that time shoot off.... before noticing it, am writing a farewell 2010 and welcome 2011.

nope, i don't intend to summarized the whole 2010 and no intention in listing 2011 resolution. i'm suck in summarizing things as i will write every single details of it, and i'm horrible in creating 'real' resolution and religiously follow through.

somehow, 2010 has been a blessing. it has. as there were pains and sufferings, i was blessed with great news and happiness too. sweet memories treasured, horrible terrible news buried. shuting off from those evil hearted people, bonding stronger with those who stayed next to us for the worst. struggling, be it or not, to let the boys bloom and groom, and never fail to smile just thinking about them. it has been a blessing. alhamdullilah.

as for the coming year, am not sure the challanges would be lesser, the sadness would go away, the weight not getting any lighter, the burden would just vanished... but, for sure, joyous instances will be there too, proud moments are waiting, great achievements are not so beyond reach... we will do fine, as long as we remember to live life truthfully.

significantly,for me; aimar is going to school; we are moving to that new house; i hope my hubby could get a job nearer to the family; if ada rezeki, it would be fantastic to have some dash of pinks on the kids wardrobe.. and i pray for my sis to have a kid too.. insyallah.

geng, have a wonderful 2011..xoxoxoxoxo..mmmuuaahhhssss

they loss and they won

2010-12-30T10:03:00.000+08:00

it was another boring entry to those who are not into sport...but am not into sport too.. am so lame in sport.. but still, it was something that i must jot down, so that i could refer back to this entry in the next fourteen years.... ok, that's a very cynical of me!

the harimau malaya did it ... after fourteen years.. they've made us proud. you don't have to be a sportman to appreciate that.

it was a moment that i wanted to repeat over and over and over again. just wished i could be in the stadium to cheer. we still cheer and loss our voice though. we were screaming at the top of our lungs, our palms were red from clappings, my head was thumping as if the migraine was about to attacked.. the nervousness, the excitements, the frustrations, the moments..we were estactic.. the adults, i mean.. my two boys were bored to death. they couldn't watch the cartoon, the adults were screaming like nobody's business, they were hungy and mama said they have to wait for another ninety minutes... but again, it was joyous moment. i remembered having fun watching Thomas Cup back in the 90s. and yesterday was fun. i bet the neighbours could have heard us, or they also were screaming at the top of their lungs.

i was not a hardcore malaysian fan. but sport can always unite us. different races, sex, age, background... when it comes to sport and the team you put your bet on, it will always unite us.

the game was beautiful. yup, it started all wrong. after the laser incident in bukit jalil, and harimau malaya scored 3-0 to bring to stadium bung karno, the indonesian been threatening us, malaysian. the harimau malaya end up with practicing in the hotel as they fear of their security. the malaysian reporters were advised not to wear yellow shirts. and as the game started, we could hardly hear the Negaraku were played as the noise at the stadium were unbelievable. there was no sultan or the PM watching the team at the stadium (and i personally agreed with that, to show our 'boycott' of the indonesian supporters). i doubt that there were any malaysian on the bench, except the players.. the malaysian embassy in indonesia had a big flat screen for malaysians to enjoy the game.

it was not a healthy scenario for the harimau malaya.. they were nobody to support them, but they were mentally strong. they knew, they might not be 70,000 supporters in the stadium, but there were 27millions malaysians supporting them in their mind.

they played hard. these youngsters... they are young. they are not the number one team. they were there by default. and they proved to the world. and they showed us, they played for the nation. never have i been prouder.

i love watching them. the opponents were tough. and worst still, the ref sucks. we knew it it's gonna be hard for the harimau malaya when we saw that australian ref. the first fifteen minutes, the indonesian team was given a penalty kick. blardy bugger. it was bad. it was not good for the team. if indonesian scored the first goal, they will gain more confident, and the team morale might be down. but they failed!yup, firman, the so-called most valued player (and it should be given to fahmi la wei!) failed miserably. in fact, shebby was right to say that firman look so ashamed to be awarded such title. somehow, my favourite shahrul kicked hard ball, and safee managed to score the first and only goal. the first indonesian goal was because our defence were not there to assist fahmi, and their second goal, purely 'typo' error... but to think of it, if muslim didn't accidentally give the score to the indonesian, i bet the supporter would have gone mad. so, win to the indonesian but the AFF is ours with 4-2 aggregates.

and out of sudden, fahmi, safee, syahrul, muslim, safiq, amri, and others are familiar faces to me. and i knew offside and what's not. and, o, as kak ita said it, we must be thankful to that gonzalez guy - the so-called hero for the indonesian.. whenever the ball touch his foot, he managed to kick it hard to make it offside... hahahaha..kudos to him!

the PM annouced public holiday on friday. it was a great to end 2010... and may i congratulate the whole team, especially that khairul fahmi, the hardworkin keeper who never stop eyeing for the ball....

yeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

harimau malaya

2010-12-27T09:26:00.000+08:00

after a good long weekend, who really 'works' on monday morning.. it's not the monday blues, it's everyday blues.
.........

i'm not a sport person..never have i been. i may consider myself an active person. i joined all the 'fun' activities in school. i represented the school for quizzess and so forth. i was the president of the club, the secretary of the society. those were my yesteryears. my passion with social activites stopped when i was in that boarding school.. when there's so many 'potential' leaders in the same school, i knew when my service as a leader was needed or not. anyway, no matter how actives i was, sport was never on the plate, never my cup of tea. i was the vice president as the school sports' team not because i was good, i just good of being a leader. i was in the school hockey team not because i was good, i just happened to be there to fill up the reserved seats. and i was fine with all. sports was never my passion.

not like my mum and my sis, who was the 100m sprinter and the olahragawati up to the states' level. not like my cousin who manage the office futsal team. not like my hubby who is very good when he holds that hocket stick and dribble away the ball. not like everybody else in my family. sports was not my in thing.

somehow, when it comes to malaysian' team on the live telecast, i'm in too. perhaps, the mood surrounding. my whole family will be in front of that box, abandoning dinner and the kids, waiting for the malaysian team to score, strike gold.

yesterday is one of the many occasions. those fresh meats of malaysians against that pschycotic indonesians. the glorious of football team in malaysia has long gone as far as i could remember. i remembered when the kl team was so good, and as all my family were supporting selangor, my aunt and i would be the odd one who was so loyal supporting the kl team. but those era has long gone. malaysian football, no offense, suck big time. it's like watching the kindergarden kids fighting over balls.. that's how they played all this while.. but yesterday was great. i must compliment them. again, i may not be the best comentator as it took my hubby six years to explain to me what offside is.. and i still don't understand why they have that rule in football. but today, i woke up with good feelings as malaysia won 3-0. the game was good. that shahrul guy, who saved the ball and help with the first score that burnt the whole team energy to max, must receive datukship. safee was ok as usual, but i guess, shahrul should get the compliment.. a newly-wed, he really have shown good spirit on last night's game. and of course, that young 21-yo keeper, fahmi. he did a job well done. he's been taking care of that post since the semi-final games with vietnam, and he did it well. kudos to him. of course, football is a team effort. the whole harimau malaya team did great last night. they impressed me, a non-sport passive supporter. they played all out, and they played hard and well. congratulation to them.

i guess, that is how sports should be played. the team really shown that they played for the nation, not for the rewards. they really can unite the whole nation.

and to add sweeter revenge on that, they beat the everlasting traditional 'enemy' of ours. no hard feeling markus ya, but, it just made us feel good to beat your team...

of course, it was sad on the laser light incident. it shouldn't be. but somehow, though the malaysian team was not playing, the same issue is faced in this part of the world. the mentality need to be brush up. but of course, that players should be at fault for that. it's beyond their control.

anyway, am not gonna blabbering about sports - i know, when i read back, it wasn't a great piece of blog post.. but for now, i just want to congratulate the team. they made us proud. let's pray for the win this coming wednesday,insyaallah. good luck guys.

truth hurts

2010-12-23T14:19:00.000+08:00

this ulcer is killing me.. they said it's either stress or lack of water..hmmmm
...

lunch was great - though unplanned one.still, it gave me this idea to blog.. been bogged down with work thing since morning, so, a litle break won't do any harm. after all, vetting the contract form is never a fun thing to do.

am not going to talk about lunch, but something that was splurt out from lin's mouth and backed by ija. i was different.. my appearance, my attitude, my remarks, my voice.. everything.. am a total stranger to them.. a stranger from the user.

gosh.. of all the fears, that would be top ten list i want to receive comment from my friends...

i hate the user. i used to think those bitches from the users are genuine bitches and i don't think i can cope. i know i can't. and i always thought i was not working with the user because never in a teeny weeny droplets of my blood i could be like one - the corporate bitch that talk sacarstically with that authoritive voice and with that head up walking style..

i know i can never be like that. but my friends denied it.

i guess, God is Great.. i used to hate them, and now, without realizing, i am one of them...

but again, i'm blessed with good friends - do remind me if i once a while forgot where i belong to... but, that don't give the right for you to scrutinized my driving skill - though am sure Intan would be the queen when it comes to driving :)

love y'all..mmuuaahhhsss

my superheroes

2010-12-22T15:04:00.001+08:00

been a while since i last wrote about the boys update - time mood tengah not so good ni, the thoughts of those two boys of mine always bring the sunshine in my heart..
...

just spoke to them on the phone.. how time flies - months ago, i could hardly understand aimar's words.. and today he told me "okay la mama, aimar nak main game dekat laptop, mama pergi la buat work mama"... loud and clear, and i should be able to take the instruction - no arguments.

they have grow so fast. in a blink of eye, aimar has now potty trained - though once and seldom, he had little incidents before he could manage to reach the toilet, i'm still proud of his achievements! nope, he's not like his abang. the day i told aidan that he needed to be potty train so that he could go to school, aidan succeed with flying colours. never have i remembered he failed to do so, and till today, i am still impressed with that boy. somehow, aimar did not. i needed to change the sheets, i needed to change his underwear after five minutes he was using it. but it's no trouble.

aimar is all prepared to go to school next year. he looked forward to that time, but i'm still skeptical about it. he has short attention span, and he might throw tantrums when he hates things! he might be an eager beaver one day, and the next day decided that school is no playground. so, i'm not going to comment much about the school, though i am excited and looking forward to day his first day of school.....

he still a good eater. he still whines and cries at split seconds. he still manje, very manje that everybody keeps reminding me that i should spoilt him less. i don't think i spoilt him much..but he always a charmer..like what he did last night.. it was late, both myself and abang were on the bed, and nenek wanted to go to bed while he still insisted on watching the cartoon network. nenek told him nenek wanted to sleep. he went straight to nenek's room, get that huge thick blanket of nenek's and gave to nenek, and he told nenek to sleep at the family hall while he watched cartoons...

as for abg dan - he's the patience one if to compare with adik..but i don't think he has so much passion in anything except TV.. are all five-yo-boys like that? or is it only aidan? yesterday, as we were discussing about who will take care of aimar when he's at school next year.. we came to the subject who will wash aimar after he done his business in the toilet. i knew his face changed at an instance. he paused and took five to ten minutes to answer me "i will wash adik...but mama, there's no sabun in the school toilet".... i don't about other mothers, but me, listening to his answer, was a blessing moment.. he hesitated to do what he thinks he supposed to do, but he vocally admitted he will do what he supposed to do.. ... of course, i don't expect him to take up the task. i will surely ask the teacher to assist. but i am so proud of my elder son.

he grows up fast too. last month, for the first time, i saw him dancing to the jingli nona song, singing the rasa sayang song, parading the ibanese costume.. he totally impressed me on that very stage, performing at the school's concert. of course he was shocked and shy. his teaches had to push him back to the stage as he moved slowly towards behing the curtain while dancing.. but, i saw my boy growing up.. he counted the steps, he memorized the lyrics, he is no longer three years old aidan..

talking about aidan, i must mentioned about his exam.. i pushed him hard during the revision weeks. yet, his exam results went beyond my expectations. i knew, we knew and he knew he can do better than what he did. he was just out of focus. i did go through all the questions with him, and yes, he proved me wrong. he could answer most of the questions correctly, yet, he failed to do so on the exam itself.

anyway, my friends told me "he's only five"..so, i guess better luck next year.

whatever will be will be, i'm so bless to have them to cheer me up whenever wherever. love you boys..mmmuuaahhhsss

your wish is my command

2010-12-22T09:24:00.000+08:00

at points me writing this post, am not in a sane state of mind, am just pissed
...

fairness doesn't come hand in hand with power and authority. at least, that's what i think, and i have all the rights in myself to think such ways. sad but true facts!

a boss can just wrote a single line email ordering you to attend a discussion that started five minutes after you saw the email - and it was an urgent meeting with the management.

a mother can overuled an agreement that she had approved prior to her kids' request and when asked why is it so, she can just say 'because i'm your mother and i know what's best for you'

a best friend can just screw the dinner plan that you both been planning, just because she told you that her son was not well, and just have to 'buy' that reason - yup, you may not being fair for doubting the last minute cancellation, and maybe, maybe, maybe you are right.. but, what can you do? she has all the rights in her world to screw you up to the eleventh hour.

a husband can give you approval to do what you want to do as long as it doesn't goes beyond the boundary of you being a wife, and somehow, he can also sacarstically ask you 'you sure you want to do what you want to do' - with that authoritive voice of his!

a brother can just grab the key of your husband's car, without asking for permission, and took away the car off to miles away from home, leaving you wondering and trying hard to convince the logical reason to give to your hub.

a colleague who is few years senior can just keep everything to herself, and waited up to the eleventh hour to tell that she has the sample of the paper you were looking for (since last month!)

a sister-in-law can just ask you to take leave so that you can come and visit her as her kids were missing your kids, obviously nobody cares about you la kan.

talking about fairness? huh, in your dreams.. you might not even noticed that, but once a while, that authoritive voices are yours too.when that authoritive voices were out, you just can't say no.. because they said so. you just have to bow and like the genie prompted "your wish is my command, your highness".

ouch

2010-12-22T08:18:00.000+08:00

...

i miss him..gosh.. i might have bored those loyal readers of mine, which am sure that ninety percent of them happened to be my bffs.. still....

i do miss him. i can't get in touch with him. the server was down, am guessing. no email, no phone calls.. been refreshing the desktop every half hour, been checking the phone to ensure the line is fine.. and yet, still no news from him..

waiting is never been good

...

shame on you

2010-12-17T11:18:00.001+08:00

i have 'manners' issue... at least that's how it was implied to me.
..........

i gave my seats the eldely and pregnant ladies. i hold the doors for the person behind. i queued without complaints. i asked things politely. i say thank you, excuse me and apologize if i was at fault. and i teach my boys to behave in good manners..

and my mistake was not to address a person properly. a person who i occasionally have spoken to and bumped into once or twice. a person who i knew younger than me. just because she holds higher post (maybe), i need to call her 'cik'. and sadly, she never complaint (not as i know) when i don't address her properly..but somebody else did. somebody who might have intention to teach me manners..but somehow, the way she address it to me with no manners.. at least that's how i felt.

i blame my years in UK. i stop calling people kak or abang or puan or cik or tuan or sir or whatever. i even called our principal by his first name.. Mr John - that sound sooooo wierd.

somehow, i was reminded to address people 'politely'... how i was reminded? the rude way. as if i've done the biggest sin ever.. to that person, perhaps i did a sin, the biggest one. but then again, if i could, i would want to remind her, 'you might want to re-remind yourself good manners before you try to help people'.. the intention might be good, but means don't justify the ways!

anyway, welcome to the what they keep promoting 'mindset-change, everybody!'.. if the leaders could hardly define that, i doubt that the followers would even bother.

it's a sad racist remarks, but i must say that, if i'm a eurasion, i will get away with this easily and nobody will be offended and i was not considered as manner-less.. too bad, i came from a different clan!

...........
but i did put "Dear .....,"
and please drop the Puan.. i don't mind with just 'Ain'..

and they said, 'it was puppy love'

2010-12-08T16:33:00.000+08:00

'twas a silent night, boys were off with their aunts and first wives' club was on the box.
..............

we, ladies, are suckers when it comes to compliment. history been told, mothers been reminding daughters over and over and over again, girlfriends been consoling their bffs not to listen to those guys' sweet talkings..but we suck big time! we still never learn.. and we can't take all the blames!

coming from an all-girls's school to the co-ed boarding school, i didn't get used to having boys around easily. to make it more dramatic, the boys-dominations were too strong that we could hardly do lots of things, and i did miss the freedom when i was at junior high. i was not the popular one. i tend to secretly admires boys from distance, as most of them were forbidden ones - either they were going out with others or they were admiring other girls. but of course, i was not that bad-looking. i may look not as classy as now, but i still have few admirers too. apparently, when i first heard the three letter word, though i could hardly understand the meaning at that point of time, i got goosebumped. to make it worst, i had to say no as the whole world (our world) knew that my good friend was madly in love with him. it was taboo to like him back, though, deep inside, i did. then, they was these two guys, who never directly confessed to me, but their actions made me blushed. the wooing sound everytime i passed, though somewhat annoying, did boost up my confidence. the secret notes on the tables wishing me a good day. those small remarks, may not be significant, but, as a girl, i was swooshed away. then, there was this boy across the class who he never stop staring at me. and after months of staring, he finally had the guts to tell me that he liked me. well, it lasted for a while until i decided to broke his heart..

then, there was college. i was a loyal girlfriend. i left my heart to this boy (who at point of writing this, i keep wishing he was dead, and i was not sorry) back in kl. i was miles away from home. i was young and restless. of course, i was not the popular one. i cried so hard as i missed my boyfriend back then. i saved money just to spend on long-distance calls. but, through out the times, there were attempts by others too. a five year senior who wrote me a long letter telling me how he was smitten by me (and i had to look up in the dictionary what smitten meant). there was also one time, when i was having my lunch at the msian student hall, a guy approached my table, handed me a piece of paper - his email add (sacarstically, at that time, the only email id i had was the general college add for public use). he was a bruneian, so i was an international preference, hahahaha. we were actually 'there', visible to the boys - we might be just a college students, but we knew whenever we went to those students' meets ups whatsoever, we were visible, though we had to try our hard not to notice that.

next, the uni life. i was still a loyal girlfriend (to that bastard!). here was i, and there he was, miles apart. i must admitted i was so envious when my bff was swooshed away with flowers, nice gifts and perfumes.. i did asked her why didn't i get the same attention she got. she gave me a valid answer "tell me who in this world didn't know that you are attached..so attached..".. but of course, there were boys who still tried their ways in. i somehow let them, though i tried hard enough to stay loyal. i was loyal. but of course when other boys asked me out for quick snacks, movies and others, i sometimes said yes.

then i met him. my best friend, a boy, did mentioned his name several times.. way before we first met. this best friend of mine been trying to arrange for us to meet (not to hook us up, he just thought i should meet up with his best mate), and only after two years we actually met. it was brief, the first time we met. he knocked my house door, and i thought he's chinese. i never fancy a chinese-look guy, was not into oriental all this while.. and i was pretty sure it went the same to him. he's not so into this plain jane, i guess. it was definitely not love at the first sight. perhaps i was still hooked up to that bastard back home.. ok, i need to explain more about this bastard.. after five years being loyal to him, rejecting all the potential love calls, denying all his good friends (not mine, mind you) advices..only to found out he just couldn't stop cheating - it was like an addiction for him to spend times with girls, and he specifically told those girls he just want to have fun cause he knew he already has a good loyal future wife. that was a bastard, right? and i keep wishing he's dead, and still wishing, hard!

what i'm trying to say is that,we, ladies are suckers when it comes to compliments. a guy serenades us a song, it's heaven. a guy copy-paste nice romantic ode and email it to us, we could fly. a guy stands by the elevator with bouquet of red roses, we melt away, though that bouquet is not even for us. a guy turns around when passess us, we will try to walk steadily, though we could hardly control our beauty ego. a guy says he's sorry, we said it's ok if he promise not to do it again. a guy, just look at us deeply, we strongly believe he loves us.

guys know that fact. some may use it to their advantages. by all means, it is beyond our control... no matter how cautious we are, no matter how vigilant we try to be.. there will always be a teeny tiny weeny place in that big heart of us will be touched - no matter how much we've learned, we will still be a sore loser when it comes to love...and nothing wrong to lose, especially when the winner is the one and only truly love of ours... if and only if we knew that he's the one when he come knocking the first time. i guess i was one of the lucky ones.

tea-talk

2010-12-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

before you are thinking of accusing me for being paranoid or a control freak, hear what i have to say .. once a while, when it's reaches the tea time and you are trying so hard to focus what's in the desktop, you tend to find a stimulant so that can make you stay awake..

i was sleepy, so, i browsed my hubby's fb profile.. there's nothing wrong of doing that, and i'm not stalking him. as a wife, i'm obliged to do that. i've been doing that often, but, today, i discover one thing.. actually, i've discovered this earlier, but didn't make any comment on them.. my hubby just started to have his own fb way months later than i did. somehow, today, i realized that he has 25% more friends than i do.. and of all those in his friends' list, only 17% are mutually connected with both us, and am sure two third of that are families, cousins and siblings. i would want to count how may girls that are not mutually connected with me is in his list, but i guess that would brings us to nowhere.... not that i'm doubting him or anything.. after all, he told me himself not to be too complacent.. i need to keep myself updated with his networks.. men didn't talk, and when we found out something shocking, he would deny that he lied, but in fact he would say he just didn't tell us... and that is why most women will ask tonnes of questions, so that the 'didn't tell' reason will be overruled. and men need to know, when we ask, not that we are trying to take charge or control over things, we just want to ensure we are in same page, and we won't be discovering things that may shocked us. and also, i do believe that God is great.. if i were to cheat, i'm sure my hubby will have the intention too..so, men, if you are cheating your spouse, chances are your spouse might do the same thing too.

ok, am not sure what and why i'm posting this - honestly, i'm just sooooo slleeeeeppppyyyyy...do you think my hubby will put some privacy limitation on his fb access page after this?

true

2010-12-06T09:37:00.001+08:00

at one instance the site was block, and today it wasn't..so might take this opportunity while i can. the bottom line is L.U.C.K

.............

i could hardly sleep last night. he already left for work, though while writing this, he is still on transit. and somehow, with both the boys next to me, i still feel the bed is half empty. and as i woke up this morning, getting myself ready for work, i miss him.

you know, it's true when they say love hurts. i've been going through these routines for so many times. sending him off at the airport. hugging him tightly, getting all tears up. awkwardly driving back home with the boys - it was him who'll be doing all the chauffeuring when he's around. goes to bed, and waking up realizing he's not around. grabbing the iphone to check on the emails. the boys had their fight and ask mama to take some videos as evidence to send to aboh's inbox. and then, as the time up, he comes back. getting fairer and skinner as compared to previous trip. he's home, sorting things out, the bills, the home, the cars.. he sleeps, spends time with the boys and the wifey and occasionally meets up with his mates. and without realizing, it's time to send him off again...gosh, i love him so much and its hurts whenever he's not around.

you know, it's true when they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. even after one and half year, i still miss him when he's gone. i remember missing him when he was miles away at london and i was in kl. back then, we were madly deeply in love. and as i miss him now, i knew i still am madly deeply in love with this guy i married, and i thank God as i still can own that feeling. every single seconds, i just wish he's nearer, and i know all i want is him.

you know, it's true when they say don't take things for granted. we tend to be complacent on things only to realise we missed few little details in life. time spend is too limited, and we should cherish every moment possible. and even with twenty four hours a day, we still knew it was not enough.

you know, it's true when the say if you love somebody, let him go. if he's yours, he'll come back.. and i know, every twenty eight days, he is singing happily coming back home, so that i can comfortably doze off on that muscular arm of his.

you know, true love does exist.. if you found one - tolerate, listen to each others' heart and trust. if you are still looking - it may take a while with few mr wrongs, but you'll get there someday. if you are not looking - not because you don't believe in true love, you just love yourself too much and nothing wrong with that..

empty

2010-11-26T11:12:00.000+08:00

and i thought the sunshine would last
............

darn! they forbade blogger.com and as i yearn to write for quite somtime..i resorted with the mobile in my hand.

so, here i am. after two months, not much of an achievement conquered. to be fair, i might actually say 'nothing'.. the first three weeks, been busy reading manuals, dragging my feet to all meeting invitations that were non job-specific.. and the rest is history.

i'm damn bored that i could kill!

i just don't understand.. if they foreseen that the loads will only be in next few months, why bother hiring me now?.. of course i shouldn't be complaining.. higher pay, no work, free foods from the trainings and meetings, in liue leaves.. i should be the last person to complain..

somehow, waking up early to clock in, stays in the workstation for the rest eight hours, staring and hacking fb as other site been forbade by the mgt, and clock out on the dot..five.. repeatedly the routine for the months could really kill!

he has heart

2010-11-12T09:08:00.002+08:00

a friend of whom i've lost touched since 1996 posted his wedding photos in his FB. i did went to check out his profile, just wanted to know what he's been up to since the last time we've met.

being himself, not so bad-looking, with perfect height and came from a well-off family (he was so damn rich that at the he can simply bought expensive gifts to his friends, and we were thinking how lucky his girlfriend was). he's a funny boy and smart too. he completed the list of almost perfect guy for us at that time, the teenager girls who just started to understand 'love'...

he took advantages of what he had be blessed with. i guess that was why i was never attracted to him and we stick as good friends. he had so many so-called special girlfriends, and i was his advisor of what to buy and where to date and how to mend his girls' broken hearts. he's a player, the life-proof casanova. somehow, i must thank him as he taught me to differentiate between a truly real man from the fake ones.

anyway, as i've entered my uni life, we've lost touch. and last year, he added me in his FB friend's list. i didn't remember checking out his profile, and even left any message.. there was one time that he chatted me up as he knew i was leaving for Europe and he asked if he can meet up with me and me hubby in London. but then, our schedule were tight and i did not put any plan to meet up with him.

and today, i did checked out his profile.

this don juan de marco that i knew once is a changed person. he posted links related to religious views, he took pictures with religious icons in God-knows-where, he shout-outs full off religious advices... and i'm stunned, and log in to my blogger and posted this.

i was surprised, i do.. but i would say pleasingly surprise. and i do envy him in a way.. he was so 'horrible' with all the girls he knew, and yet today, God has open his heart to follow His lifestyle...God bless him with hidayah, and somehow, i do envy him.. of all the people, never crossed my mind that he would ever change to better, the way he is now - as portrayed in his FB profile. Alhamdullillah... and it makes me wonder.. i couldn't just stay and wait for the hidayah.. as my dear friend told me (in her blog), hidayah mesti dicari.

some point to ponder in this cold wet Friday morning...

girls next door

2010-11-10T16:35:00.000+08:00

who knows where we will land?
.............

had a brief encounter with my long lost friend over lunch.. well, not really lost for so long, thanks to FB, but still, been a while since we met. we went to the same high school seventeen years ago and she's now with three kids. i wasn't part of her clan, and neither did she. our acquantainceship turn to friendship right after high school. physically, she changed a lot. she was plum, now slimmer. she was not so fair, now prettier. she was short, now taller. she really did change.

and i happened to be on the same floor of my ex-schoolmate, but we were never a friend. on my round introducing myself as a new staff, she spotted me.. we went to the same secondary school.. and i couldn't recall. i was famous back then (chewah).. she was not as visible as compared to my clan back then. who would have thought, this happily married lady with two boys was once the person who went to the same school of mine. she may not be the vocal one, but she further her studies in the States, got a decent job with the Fortune 500, happily married and yes, she is much much slimmer and prettier too....

reflected back, i might be among the few students at school that people would recognise and remember.. the famous clan.. the one who will participated in all the events, the one who will volunteered for any activities, the one who represented the school to all the quizzess... the one who will get most dedications of flowers and teddies when it comes to Valentines... yup - i went to all-girls school.

then, my life met these two girlfriends of mine. with marvel and admiration, i Thank God to let me have the chance to meet them in this life, now. everyone is the star of one's life. be it at the earlier or later stage in life, at times, we will once be the highlights of the peak and we will be there at the bottom of nowhere. it happens to everybody. let's keep reminding ourselves.

............................
p/s: ladies, nothing wrong to wanting to be pretty.

the routine

2010-11-10T14:29:00.000+08:00

the girlfriends...

- those married : how did you manage with the boys?
- those single, with partner: ala, kesian.. sure rindu jauh2..
- those single without partner: jom lepak, nanti when he come back, cannot lepak oredi..

the guys...
- you trust him?
.....................

my no1 bff is on his way back.. a more-than-24-hr-round-trip is not something that neither him nor myself look forward to. it's the end destination that matters.he's coming back after his (normally twenty eight days) long tiring rice-less shift. not much of an option for him, for now. he's the breadwinner, and i'm so good in spending that he needs to earn more than i can spend :) afterall, that is the rezeki that Allah gives to us for now, we are thankful for the blessings.

coping without him around is not so easy. and that is why i really salute all the single parents. you always need to have your significant other, if not fifty percent, maybe less, to complete the chores. send the kids to school, check their homeworks (and even they are only five, don't be surprised that their works pile a mount high up!), drop all meetings and discussions coz the school rings and your kids been vomitting since morning, do the laundry else no clean clothes for the weekend..and the list goes on and on and on... you need two to fulfill the chores, just as much when you've decided to bring a life in this world! lucky for me as i have my friends and families nearby who will defiitely extend their help. it was horrible when i was away from them few months ago.. nonetheless, having your spouse around 24-7 is definitely a go-go.. no doubt about it. hats off to the single parents!

they said, absence makes the heart grows fonder. i beg to rephrase - distance makes the heart grows fonder. yes, we fights when he's around and even when he's not. but without realizing time and distance, we missed each other the most when we are apart - never fails! he's been on the shift for the past fourteen months.. means, he's been away far apart from the family for at least seven months. i should have get used to the terms that he will leave for work and come back when its due. but i'm yet to learn not to shed my tears when i send him off at the airport. i know i will miss him until he comes back. long distance is never easy. especially when he has no choice but to miss out those important events like birthdays and anniversaries. sending short videos for his viewing via emails might help a bit, but never managed to heal the "wish you were here" phrase. it's not easy but we have to swallow. it made us both realised how much we miss, appreciate and love what we have between us.

he's not a control freak. i can still hang out with the girls whenever, wherever. but of course he's my priority. and not having him around, doesn't mean i'll just go roam whenever wherever. there's a gps sensor install in me, and only him can retrieve it.. understood - i may go where i want to go, lepaking with the girls, and he will know. he will.

and the guys, they only have one thing in mind. i can't say i married a saint. he's a man, not perfect but perfect enough for me (chewahh.. abang bagi allowance lebih yek ...)..back to guys and one thing in mind - i won't say that the only woman he will lays his eyes on is me.. he looked at others too, and even i was right there next to him. he would say it doesn't do any harm... i smile. of course i don't buy that! looks can kill! he can start looking, leering and there goes the blast in his mind. every man does that. true! he will agrees with me.. (ke, ye ke?).. so, do i trust him? working far far away in that samba land where bikinis might be their baju kurung back there.. one thing for sure, i know i have to trust myself. i trust myself not to be complacent, to let alone give him reason and benefit of doubts to think even once that he needs other alternative. i trust that I should do my part as a wife, as much as he's doing his part. i trust God is true, and what comes around, comes around. as long as i trust myself as much as he trust himself, we'll be taken care of, insyallah.

for now - just can't wait for him to come back.. miss him hugging me, tightly... hurry back!

sigh

2010-11-10T14:25:00.000+08:00

i'm not that hardcore a blogger.. and i managed to survive during my nice long in-between-job break without any entry.. then, they made it a mandatory for me to attend a 16-days-induction programme and justified of no access of the net. next, my first day reporting to that tower... wham bam... with no work for the first few weeks, the only thing i can think is to update my blog. and for the past one month, i kept trying on and on my shining luck so that i am able to load the blogger page, but no good news.. until today, half an hour ago, i can log in, with no restriction. and i know i have all rights to believe in miracle!!!!!

i can't say much about my new work as i haven't started working, yet. don't ask me what i've been doing all this while coz me myself have difficulties in answering that...

it's not easy - an experienced hired, eager to start new task .. and yet... nothing in hand for me to kickstart...

so, expect more entries from me from now.. until i'm loaded with pile-up work.. and God knows when will that be!

for realllll................

2010-11-10T13:56:00.002+08:00

i can't believe this myself.. i can access and log in to my blogger... biar betul......

it hurts the most

2010-10-06T08:35:00.000+08:00

when you cried so hard for so long, you eyes swollen and it could hardly open itself, the top inner part of your mouth felt so dry that whenever the tip of your tounge touch it, it feels awefully uncomfortable.

when you cried so hard for so long, even the birds stopped singing, the sun stops shining, the radio's playing sad horrible songs. its like a complot by the world against you, to keep putting you in the mourning mood.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just wish you could turn back time. so that you won't hurt the person you cares the most and you don't hurt yourself.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just don't want to wake up, get off from the room, face the world.. and when your mum hand you the nice ketupat that your dad made and you didn't eat last night because you cried so hard for so long, you knew you wanted to burst again.

when you cried so hard for so long, talking to you BFFs will soothe you out, but what will helps is actually looking straight into the eyes of your soulmate, vent out every single concerns and you knew you don't have to cry so hard for so long. if only distance is not the limit..

when you cried so hard for so long, even a three year old kid would understand your melocholant emotion and agreed to keep it hush hush.

when you cried so hard for so long, you just all dried out.

Adieu

2010-08-25T17:12:00.002+08:00

This is what i've really sent out. In case anybody needs any idea.
.........
Dear all,

Here is the time when flowers lose petal
And others have to bloom
Here comes the time when the grass must be cut
And the mist lifts soon

Well, as per tradition I am sending out my goodbye email as this would be my last hour working with Penaga Dresser. It has been a privilege to be working here for the past six and a half years and am sure will miss all that this place represents. I guess in the early days we didn’t have any choice but to get along (and perhaps the feelings still the same till today), but as we ride on the journey and see the company grow, I must be thankful to be able to grow and gain life knowledge together with the company.

I, personally, with my humble heart (though I may be quite loud most of the times), am apologizing for things I’ve said and done – I’m sure I’ve said enough and done a lot, direct or indirectly, and I do apologize. I meant well, this time J

I am sure we will cross our path one day, so if anyone feels the urge to contact me, drop me lines at ain1810@yahoo.com and of course Facebook (when you are not in the office, I guess).

To Dato Seri,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of the Penaga family.

Goodbye, good luck and you never know, see you later!

Also, Selamat Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin.

Over and Out.

Yours truly,

why must i be sad?

2010-08-25T11:50:00.000+08:00

it's d-day. yup, finally.. i've been trying hard to construct the best farewell note to be send to everybody for the past three days, but , i guess i'm just not into it.. afterall, i intend to write a funny note that may sound rude and may not be suitable for malaysians culture.. hence, i just wrote it here... and wishing hard they bumped into this blog of mine and smile, if they could.
......

hi all,

as i woke up today decided what to wear, i realized it won't be much effort that requires.. i can just wear whatever i want, as casual as i want, as today is my last day of work with the company. after six and a half year, i finally made it.. i finally got the chance to email this note - a farewell note, a note that i've longed to write for the past five years. albiet the fact that most of the people i've known has left and i may be among the last, i'm still thankful for finally got the opportunity to leave. as happy as a lark, i'm glad i could send this out today.

over the years, i don't really remember any good times i've spent with the company. i could hardly recall any decent memories and i just don't give a damn. i have very few friends and they've left the company.. ok, except one and i pray for her to leave too.. (good luck, beb). as others, i'm not that close, perhaps i've been with you guys here in a short period as i've been in kemaman all this while. you guys are ok, but i'm sure i won't be missed and i'm ok with that.. really, i mean it.. so, no offense taken and no harm done.

deep inside my heart, very very deep, i wonder.. i must have hate the company so much that i am so looking forward for today to come..i've waited for it to come five years ago.. am i so heartless that i've never like this place.. and what have gone wrong?

let me tell you what have gone wrong... with exception of one year where i was promoted, the yearly increment that i've got never passed the 3%-7% benchmark.. with my low salary, that is very very insignificant.. it can't even pay up my tolls to the office. they said it's a standard rate increment (and i have evidence in one of the year when my increment was only 3%, one of the staff got a 22% increment).. and when i asked for justification, they would say it is based on my performance.. here's the thing, this company, never ever have any KPI set up, never ever have any performance evaluation where the staff never knew how we performed, never ever have any benchmark on the requirement to ensure certain incremente percentage, and yet they can throw this bullshit.... some of my collegues didn't even get any increment because their salary is high enough..what the heck, another year experience and they can throw that shit to them.. and talking about bonus, there's another thing.. i might have been lucky as i was doing the outside sales.. my boss at that time was ok and he valued my existence in driving the sales.. my bonus was ok... only to find out others got doubled that i did... and these people were higher income earners in the company... and they don't have to do anything because they are the managers..bloody buggers... those technicians who slaving themselves and the company is charging five times more than their salary was only give the minimum bonus.. the management said, 'better than nothing'.. and they said the company foresee the business is going down next year.. so, we need to save.. yarrr rrriiggghhhtttt....hey, don't the management know that we know their profit goes up to sixty percent of the cost.. and they even calculate the profit over the sales price and not the cost price (means they have more than that as a margin).. and they can throw this bullshit?

maybe most managers that made these decision has left.. to his stand, the owner may have said, it was decided by the managers.. still... you signed and approved the allocation..duuhhhh....

and talking about it, the (senior) managers who are still within the company (with respect to mine, he's ok, he's cool and he deserves more than his value now), they suck, BIG TIME. the one who is doing sales just sit on his table, staring in that laptop of his.. and i wonder what sales he's doing.. sales means you have to go out and meet clients and potential clients.. apparently that is not happening, and with his twenty years experience, am sure his earning a five figure pay and all he does is sit in the room.. the management said "strategic sales planning". another one, who is also supposed to be doing sales, somehow think he is replacing the COO and eyeing for the CEO post, is another loser. a person who can tells everybody that i'm joining the competitor while the whole world knew that i'm leaving for the user, a person who can tells everybody that a client is his good friend while he didn't even know which company the client work with, a person who can't even pronounce the product he's representing correctly, a person who can tell everybody that i claimed for parking ticket while i was an MC and when i confronted him he can blurly answered me "you cannot listen to gossip".. aggh.. the endless list about this person... and he called himself a SM with MBA scroll... you tell me, do i need to elaborate more? the finance, she's something we can laugh about.. she can request for a conference just to find out where is the document file saved in the server.. and last but not least, this one senior manager.. professionally, i guess she's ok. there's bits and pieces that she may improved. and she must stop saying 'it's not easy when you were held by ransom by friendship'.. what the heck, you are the manager, if your staff didn't perform, tell them upfront.. you can't manage them and you are asking for sympathy.. she must have been giving good blowjobs (oopssy) that the boss loves you so much. well, the starbuck incident (yup, someone saw you guys like a couple.. yuck.. out of all guys and places....).. personally, being a slutty bitch is the only way that get her way to the management.. the company has more senior managers than i ever knew.. kudos.

i, somehow, thank God for the time spent here in the company. i learn to grow up. as much as my bff who has more than ten years experience and still think her knowledge is not much, i can confidently admit i am technically sound with the products.. there's more to learn as we will never stop learning. but, when some clients can think of my name whenever they need technical advise with regards to control valves in general, i think i've done well. and i've made few nice friends. when i started doing sales in the east coast, a tudung-less lady with red hair and green lens, and no contacts except for her hubby, i've accomplished a lot. i never had proper training to give training, and yet, i've provided training to engineers, senior engineers, consultants and even have my own training modules... all this is my effort, and i never care to thank the company. it God's will.. the company never cares.

well, i don't think i've said enough, but i guess, if were to write every single tragedy, i'll be much happier and i must have to sound so fake when i started my 'official' farewell email with "i wrote this with mixed feelings".... not a teeny weeny sad emotions left within myself.. if they never care to value me while i was here, why must i care to pretend how much i'm in love with the company.. and thank God for i never love this place.

ever after

2010-08-20T13:58:00.001+08:00

"may you never steal, lie or cheat - but if you must steal, steal away my sorrows; if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life; if you must cheat, then please cheat death coz i know i can't live without you around".... i heard it quoted in the movie, leap year (2010).
..............

sigh, it's the hopeless romantic lady again.well, at 3:30pm six years ago, we were all waiting. he was late, as expected. and so did his entourage. that was old news. he's always late and i should have known. he was fifteen minutes late, and that was not a record-breaking late.

as he walked in the mosque, i saw him in a glimpse. confidently carving that crooked smile of his. the same croocked smile he wore when he first knocked my door. i was sitting quite a distance, though i was supposed to be the center of the event. i heard him laughing, together with the iman and others. and i heard then, "aku terima nikahnya ...", and as the witnesses nodded agreeing to his one-time solemnization, i was officially his.

just few hours before the big event, i was having my lunch. and somehow, after twenty-seven years living in the earth, i picked a perfect timing to get choked by a 3 inch fishbones.. my eyes were filled with tears, and i din't recall who brought me to the clinic, but there was i. yup, i have to go to clinic to get it checked. it was nothing major, and the doctor gave me some medicine for the tonsillitis, just in case. i told him that i'm getting married in two hours time.. and he said "o my, you are not getting married to this guy from terengganu who came knocking on my door at 3am asking for flu med as he's getting married today"... and it's true when they said it's a small world afterall.

so, there was i. officially a legal wife of his, six years ago.. and still am.

yes, we may have lots of arguments, we may have tons of fights, we may have nagged at each others often, we may have forgot those important vital things we have ought to remember, we may have zillions of disagreements, we may use words that hurts each others' feelings. you may not understand why i need more bags and shoes, as much i don't understand how could i end up with a nocturnal you who wake up through out the nights and sleeps all day long. you may love to do laundry over and over while i grumble about the pile up clothes waiting to be iron. yes, we've been through the roughs, and there'll sure more to come.

but of course, we've been up through the highs too. times when i broke down and cried and all i wanted is you coz only you could make me laugh. times when you looked at the moon offshore and getting so mushy missing me. times when we just liew down next to each others, talking till morning. times when i bitched about that friend of a friend of a friend and you were supporting me with facts. times when we laughs being the proud parents of the two angels of ours. uncountable good loving fun times.

sayang, cheers for our sixth anniversary, and more to come. love you so much, i do, we do. and we the love is so true, it will have a happy ending, ever after.

picture says it all

2010-08-18T12:04:00.002+08:00

i've run out of reading materials and as i was buying time to wait for dawn to break in, i decided to clear up those photos that have been in the drawer, unorganized, muddled up.. those old photos of mine.

there were piles of them. the photos. photos from as old as ten to fifteen years ago. how time flies. looking at those old photos, i could hardly believe it was sooooo old.

it's true when they said pictures say a thousand words. there were photos when i got the shorthest hair in my life and looked so ugly in it, which i should throw them away, just realizedd that there were my late grandma on each photos. how i've missed her so much. she was one strong lady. she had a hard life. with a dozen kids to feed and raise, she went through the thick. she didn't married with that high rank officer, but to that smartly dressed under-rank armed-forces grandpa of mine (who i've missed also). and so, their life were not easy. my mum and aunts had countless sad difficult life threatening stories to tell us.. but then again, they always wish that their parents live long enough, just to let them see how great our life, the grandkids were.. we may not be super-duper rich, but we were doing ok.. better than those relatives who once looked down on them (my gramps and my aunts). i was told, my grandma used to even beg for rice to those rich relative of us.. apprently, nowadays, they not that rich as they thought they were. God is Great.

and then, there were photos when i was in uni. i've bumped into one of the person in one of my photos. that person did asked me if i were from umist, and i was stunned as i could hardly recalled him. and here i was, holding a photo of me, lin, meri and her ex and this guy, who still remain a mystery to me as i still couldn't remember his name. and photos of me, yan, lin,meri, climbing trees by the park. photos of me and ayu with our traditionals, preparing for the malaysian night show. of course, also, photos of my sis and me on her london trip - the first time i made the attempt to get in touch with my then boyfriend to be, later turn to be boyfriend who is my hubby now. the trip was brief, but i couldn't stop smiling thinking how i was head over feet remembering all the sweet gestures he did, like flipping my hair in front of the big ben, shyly helping me up on that lion in trafalgars for that nice shoot... agghhh...

as i kept going, there were photos of me in iraq, before the war.. that was year 2002 if i wasn't mistaken. another nice memories. it wasn't long when i was there.. i don't remember how long, a month or two. but it was something to talk about. the people, the culture, the buildings, the ambiences.. after five years in UK, being in iraq is really and eye-opener.. very different, but i still enjoyed it.

if i were to describe each and every photos in my collection, bet it's gonna be forever. deep inside, i felt like something is missing. i've spent lots of time with my families and friends. my memories with k intan and ija were photos loaded in the FB, our trip to bandung.. it was fun trip and we need to do it again. and now that FB has been blocked.. you tell me...

somehow, i missed that kodak 36 400 exposures.

colouring contest

2010-08-16T15:23:00.000+08:00

the company decided to block the FB - hence, this is my next alternative to update what's up with things..

.....................

their dad has gone off for work, would be a short trip as he'll be back just in time for raya..yeah yeah..after three rayas, i am looking forward for nice one happy family in raya morning. anyway, as the boys were getting so used to have their dad for the past few weeks, staying at home during weekend was not something great that they looked forward to. so, i decided to bring them to wangsa walk, which i managed to get three pairs baju melayu each.. should be enough for the raya and their afternoon religious class.and as we were window shopping, the deejay was calling all the kids on the floor to join in the colouring contest. i asked my dear aidan if he would like to join, and he nodded. so, i enrolled both aidan and aimar. they were excited to get the pure white contest paper and the not-faber-castell colour pencil set. well, it lasted five minutes for aimar, but aidan completed the whole thing.

on the hand, i saw this family. not be racist, so, i won't mention the race... go figure. this family, had everything ready. the small table, the crayon set.. and i'm so impressed with the parents coaching the kids, raising the voices when the colour were off the picture.. and i looked at my boys.. they were cool.

for a rm50 hamper gift as a first prize, the family i saw did put lots of efforts in the competition.

i've always be ambitious. i liked competition. gimme the challange, and i'm all set. i represented my school up to national level for quizzess. and i found out that aidan is not as competitive as i wish he could be. and he's a sore loser as well.. he'll compete if he know he'll win the race..else, he just won't bother. aimar - yet to discover, but i knew he has very very low attention span. i sometimes worried with my sons attitude. but then, looking at how serious the other family was, i guess we are okay.

they both got a nice monkey-teddy to bring home, and something to talk about..

walk-in wardrobe

2010-08-13T12:02:00.002+08:00

as i dragged my feet from the parking lot to the office, at a snail's pace, i saw this one lady. she'walked passed me. she made me smile.

nope, she wasn't smiling at me or making any joke that made me smile. when i first saw her, i was gobsmacked. yes, it is casual friday for most companies. yes, she is casually dressed, and am sure she's on her way to her office like me. but her casualities doesn't fit well, at least that's what i thought. unless she works as a hooker or GRO in karaoke center, which i doubt it, her wardrobe was totally not in a right place at a right time. she was wearing a pair of denim, and a striped polo shirt, which she decided to unbutton the first three buttons, showing more than her cleavage, and she pull the big white collar high up.. and i wonder why she did what she did.. .. and then, after comletely dumbfounded with her sense of dressing, i smile..

she's not the only one. apparently, something that i won't be able to see much when i was in kemaman was the 'city people' sense of dressing.. the walk from the convention center to klcc would be an interesting ten minutes walk for us, the bff clan. along the way, we'll pick up those funny wierd people dress to kill.. and some really could kill with those bright magenta undies under white short hot pants with silver skimpy tops that you could see those 'valleys'... and that is just a real example, and there's more than i could think of.
as one of our bff told us her theory - they'll dressed up, simply, if not shorts enough, it would be too revealing at the top..or best still, they'll dress weirdly...

these people, they either have such a high self-gut, or forget to check up the mirror before they go out, or simply work as a clown 24-7.

when i read the magazine, and saw the runways pictures of those designers introduce those funny dresses with unconventional hairstyle and weird accessories... i always thought ' who on earth would wear that'... apparently, i knew i was shallow enough not to be able to identify there's so many of them who don't mind being caught by the fashion police for capital offense and should be beheaded!... really, they should!

could hardly wait

2010-08-12T15:51:00.000+08:00

my bff who is sitting right behind me in this office has gone. left the company. she got a better offer, much better, with the competitor, and so they let her go earlier, and paid up her salary....nice.......i called her up, she's on her way to la-la-land napping in the ramadhan's afternoon... very very nice. i kinda miss her company. i was so silent, so not me, in the office. i, frankly, admitted i don't have many friends.. one at the back, another up there on level 18 ..not so many i could think of. and now that the one nearest to me has gone, i'm bored - to death. my work wasn't piling up. yes, i have a few, but that's been taken care of. i just missed talking ..aagghhhh....

on the other hand, i wonder how my days would be in the soon-to-be my new office. how would the friends there be? i heard they are boring. i don't know them, but people been stereotyping them. i'm sure gonna miss my buddies i left here. but then, after being transferred to kemaman and been there for nearly five years, i failed to make any good friend there and my friendship with those i left back in kl even stronger.. my bffs. and so, i'm not that worry now that coming to think of that.

i can't wait to leave the company. i woke up and just wish i don't have to go to work. not that work is overbearing.. its just routine i need finish them as i need to serve them as in the contract. agghhhhhh....

and so now, am counting down.. less than ten days u olzz..... ouwww..... i loike

once upon a time

2010-08-09T12:11:00.000+08:00

i received a good long big hug this morning. when he fully awake later today, i'm not sure if he would ever remember giving me that good long big hug. but, that good long big hug would definitely be a good start for my day. he made my day.

it's so easy to please a lady.
our men text us exactly at midnight wishing us a 'happy birthday, dear', and we are okay with no gift and gleefully smiling coz they remembered our birthday.
we've been waiting for them to pick us up for nearly half hour, only to find out they just got off from the mamak stall five minutes ago, and when they arrived, don't bother to say sorry because they're there to pick us up, and we cool off forgetting that we've waited for long half hour just because they are there to pick us up.
a big bouquet specially delivered to the office with note 'sorry, i missed our anniversary,sayang' and we were head of feet because it's not easy for them to admit their mistakes.
we, ladies, are hopeless romantic.

but, we, ladies, always suffers from short-term memory loss. we cried and forgive easily. we nagged and stop complaining right after. we were in pain but didn't bother telling out loud. we suffered sleep deprivation and still we set the alarm half hour earlier. we daydreamed when those love songs were aired, imagining all those words sang meant for us.
we, ladies, are hopeless romantic.

..........
anyway, i woke up the day after, and realized, he didn't remember the hug he gave me :(

me being hopeless romantic, still hoping..

for this coming anniversary,i wish we could have done things we've done before..
nice karaoke duets
relaxing watching movies (which most of the time i will sleep through out the movies)
holding hand-in-hand jaywalking in the shopping complex
great (expensive) dinners
enjoying the laughs playing bowlings
maybe a good hug serenading Genting's cool weather
and many more..
thing we used to do before there were three and four of us.. it been a while....

am hopeless romantic...

it's true you know - things will change after a while. we won't stay the same. we are prepared for the changes.

i just thought it would be nice ifs......

been there, done that

2010-08-04T12:03:00.000+08:00

my dear sons,
as you grow up, will you remember how it was?
will you remember how worried sick you made us when you were coughing non-stop in the middle of the ~~night,~~ nights?
will you remember how terrifying it was when your aunt shouts for your name when she realized you were gone - and yes, you went missing for longest sixty seconds of our lives?
will you remember how horrifying we were when we saw you jumping on the trampoline and landed on the floor - and you were darn happy that you managed to pull the acrobatic stunt wonderfully?
will you remember how you made us laugh till we filled our eyes with tears when you move your body to the r&b music and you danced for the whole good five songs?
will you remember how impressed we were when we heard you humming and singing to that favourite songs of yours when you could hardly understands what the lyrics all about?
will you remember how you were so excited when you wore the wristband to enter the theme park, but end up we were at the medical center because your fingers got stucked on the themepark entrance gate?
will you remember how your kind babysitter back in that old town who took care of you like her own kids?
will you remember how you gave the protective looks when you saw us in pain?
will you remember how you remembered our promises while our promises were only to bait you to do the chores?
will you remember when we asked you to put that dirty laundy in the baskets, take the glass of water yourselves, clean the mess you've made.. also we asked you to massage us, picked up our mess and many other chores that were supposed to be ours?
will you remember how you've touched our heart with your cute remarks like "i wish my dad is here..."?
will you remember how guilty we feel when we realised that it was midnight and we still forcing you to spell 'brow' for your mini-quiz?
will you remember you were only five back then?
will you remember that mama came back over lunch the day after and brought that transformers toy to give mama some peace in her mind?
will you remember though you were forced to sleep until midnight and were tired, you still got all right for the test?
will you remember how guilt mama felt after that?

my dear sons,
you will not remember a lot of things.. that is why, when some things happen in time, you thinks its 'dejavu'...
but
could you remember to love us when we were old, cranky, stinky and still as naggy as we used to be?
could you remember to be a responsible father who takes care of your kids?
could you remember to be a loyal husband who loves that good one and only wife of yours?
could you remember not to stray around, having fun with girls, just because you think you can afford it?
could you remember to keep reminding yourselves to be the good gentleman who worth to be living and this good old lives of yours?

my dear sons,
you will grow up fine.. insyallah.

the losing battle

2010-07-26T16:26:00.000+08:00

he told me to pick the battles that i could win.. strategic thinking.. but, this time, i knew i will always be at the losing ground..

to console me, i would say i was blessed and i thank Allah for i was offered the job that i've been dreaming of.. not really the job i was wishing for - if i were given the option, i'm not so looking forward to be a buyer. it would be a routine job and with the 'forced rank' imposed in the (new) organization, i must be very very good to stay competitive and be wanted in their organization. no doubt that i will meet so many people who want to befriend me, and bite me if that they really want to be my friend, but just because my new business cards would flash the word 'opportunities'.. i'm not even in the new organization yet, still, i'm getting a text message "please keep in touch. i'm sure we can do some business..".. o my, o my... i'm definitely changing my numbers and not annoucing it to the whole world.

i submitted my resignation weeks ago. of all three companies i've been working for, this was the longest.. and of the longest,i technically learned the most, i created a monster of myself, and i made (internal) friends the least. so, did i feel happy leaving the company or did i fell happy to be getting the offer? not a pinch teeny weeny tiny bit that i felt sad leaving the company. nada, none,non! and after what had happened, i hate it to bits that i'm thinking of all the worst horrible terrible sweet revenge that i can think of.

i found out that, after five and half years, the time spent in this company would br the much avoided time in my life that i would pick. of course, i met few, very few, good friends, working here... and only that is left to treasure what i have with the company. as i'm counting my days, the hatred is getting even worst. i knew, for fact that after working every single details on the price agreements (PA), and took me two and half years, with the management keep changing minds and literally changing person, i stuck by. and today, i was told that the PA coordinator will be going to Japan to discuss on the PA.. of course that won't send me as I'm leaving... but, what hurting me the most was, i was there for the two and half years, i proposed for discussion one half year ago, and one year ago.. i still failed to convince them that i deserve to go to factory and discuss the matter.. and today, they can simply decide to send the two-week newy-hired coordinator to discuss.

i've been handling the east coast account for the past four years, at least. i was dumped into that odd place in kemaman, and was asked to go and see the users, to discuss technical issues. and as i've transfered my account the new sales force, never had they care to ask me about the customers... and the outstandings and anythings... they went and see the users, and they will always be two or three of them... i was there, alone, by myself, knocking doors...and customers were wondering what was this silly red-hair green-eye lady trying to do... all alone by myeslf.. and today, there three, four of them..

i'm sure there'll be no legacy of me when i leave the company. those customers that i've made friends of, will remain my friends.. apparently, there were more than i've expected.. i started with one customer in MTBE, and now, i have more in my FB list. but, i'm sure, that blardy old bugger that sitting in that big spacious room (and just because you got the biggest room, doesn't me you are the boss, idiot!), i'm very very much sure that he will tell everybody that i deleted all the important files (i wish i could, or maybe i should!), i made the company wasted by giving such a big discounts (why didn't you checked my work before?), my work was a mess everywhere (because you don't even know how to pronounce the product name, how can you understand technical paperwork?), and all those big fat lies..... my friends told me, i might want to leave the company with good names.. i might want.. but, thinking back, do i really need to? it will still be a losing battle for me. the stupid idiot i'm dealing with, while others knew i'm leaving to join the user, he can proudly tell my boss that i'm leaving for the competitor... this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, he can say i claimed my parking while i was on sick leave and when i confronted him he can simply say "you can't listen to gossip".. this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, he can tell us that his so-called close customer is now assigned to carigali, and this is very very close customer of his, while when we found out that the customer was not in carigali but elsewhere...this stupid idiot i'm dealing with, is pure stupid, and he is the senior sales manager for the MRO business for malaysia.

well, it will still be a losing battle for me, but, thinking back, i do sympathise with those who still need to deal with him for next how many years to come.. i'm sure he won't be leaving anywhere sooner - who would want him, anyway?

so, me, losing?...nah... am so looking forward to leave.....

the proud mama

2010-07-20T12:06:00.000+08:00

the doctor called for the nurse assitance.. and this little boy, he went in to the room, following the nurse, while his mum was still busy talking to the doctor, getting the consultation... and five second after that, the mum heard the nebulizer machine was running, while the nurse walked passed them.. the mum immediately jumped off her feet, went to the room, and saw her three years old holding the nebulizer, steadily, enjoying it. the doctor was impressed.. "you are lucky to have him as this is the first three-year-old child i've seen not jumping, crying, yelling to get him neb," he told the mum.. and the mum still didn't understand how can the nurse left her son with the machine with no adult supervision... insanely stupid.

the notes left on the book 'dear parent, there'll be spelling test every Monday and Friday. please revise with your kid on the words learned'. his first test, the very first test. and guess what, the mum was worried sick after reading the notes, and still worried sick till now. and he hasn't got a clue what test is.. he took it easy, and proposed to his mum that she has to take it easy too. somehow, her mum is worried for more 'severe' things.. if she is worried sick for a five-year-old spelling test, what will happen when he is in the primary ..secondary.. college..university...

lately, his aunt found out that child labour was fun. she asked him to get the lotion and massage her big fat leg. he did it, once, twice and more. then, his mum told his three-yeal-old boy, "if anybody asked you to massage them,asked for the money first".. and now, what he did was carrying the coin box and lotion whenever they asked for massages.. young entreprenuer.

his mum can always depend on them. it was ten o'clock at night and she knew her body clock was deteriorating..as always. and the boys, with sympathies eyes, asked "can we watch tom and jerry for a while?".. those eyes...agghh... but then again, she knew she can trust them. she said "only one tom and jerry"..the next fifteen minutes, they shut off the set, and came in crawling next to her.. and though she can't see them in the dark, she can always tell who is who from the smell... and the litle brother will always try to squeeze in to sleep next to his mum, while the big brother will give way to his litle brother.

kids, they are so exhaustively charming.

accepted

2010-07-15T17:13:00.000+08:00

sigh.... for months i've been waiting for the official offer to come in. and finally, it landed. it does take forever, and alhamdullillah, i finally got it. am not going to talk much about how i feel bla bla bla.. i have so much issues with the current company, which i'm so looking forward to quit my job instantenuously..of course, that doesn't happen.. after 77 months, i officially tender my resignation.

am writing this posting, just to share with the future candidates on the interviews.. it was not an easy one, and i was impressed with the very structured interview.

as i was considered as an experienced candidate, i got an invitation for the first technical interview. wasn't sure why it was called technical, as i was fully aware that the position that i was 'eyeing' for won't be so much technical. my background has always been 'technical' .. i was the project engineer, product engineer and application engineer. and as i 'desparately' need to join Petronas for the benefits and desparately need to go away from the wierd company i'm currently working with, taking up the non-technical position won't be as hard as i might have thought.

i came fifteen minutes early, and there was this one guy in the room, being interviewed with two smartly dressed managers (who might be my future boss). i, as calm as possible, was very much ensured that i was prepared for the interview. and when i was called in, i was prepared to hit the road. technical interview is a stage where the future boss wanted to find out our career background, to understand our working experience, so that they knew they can fully utilised that for the vacancy they currently have in their organization. i explained, and apparently, my technical experiences seems to be a disadvantage to me. at least that was what i felt after the forty minutes chit-chat session. i was trying to impress the interviewers on my technical while they have no interest on it at all. of course i did read about the supply chain management etc before coming to the interview. when i describe about supply chain, i frankly told them it was based on my collegues (who supposed to do what they were supposed to do) experience and the what was written on the wikipedia. of course i did some scm, but, that was because those who was supposed to do their work didn't do their work that i need to unofficially 'intervene' and do it.. that was how i got the experience.. after half hour, one of the interviewer asked me, bluntly, 'what actually you do?'..... and dush, dush, dush... that was it.. the most irritating insulting question that made me think i won't get to the next stage.

i was heart-broken. to me, the interview failed, miserably.. i got one chance, only one.. and i blew it.. nope, i didn't blew it.. it just that, on paper, i might not meet the expectation!

it was four weeks after that i was given the news that i was shortlisted for the structured interview (SI)..yup, another interview. and before i went for the interview, i need to submit more than hundred online questions that they called it OPQ - some sort like personality test to evaluate what type of person you are like.. which, from an insider, i was told that my online test was so bad.. they can't make any firm conclusion about me as my answers were an average threes and fours, not a strong tens! two days before the SI, my throat got infected... i was so panicked as i could hardly speak.. how do one goes for an interview and don't speak? i requested the doctor scooped out the thingy inside my throat, and that was bad... but, i was prepared to face the music.

there were few candidates, but there were only three girls, which later i found out that one was fresh grad and two (including me) were experienced candidate.. frankly, not that i intend to bitch about the other girl, but for an experienced candidate, she didn't show that she's all prepared for the interview.. she didn't even know that it would be a one-to-one(two, actually) session.. she thought it was a group interview... huh, which year are you living on girl??? you should google up structured interview petronas.. and wham bam.. you might not be so clueless as you were.. so, this definitely boost my confidence.

anyway, i was a given two piece of paper, one blank paper for me to jot anything.. and another one writted "case study: effect of science".. i read the article, trying to comprehend it, and wrote few notes on the given paper.. i,thankfully, wrote notes and points that i may want to highlight on the articled, and luckily it wasn't junks bitching about the blur girl who was so berlagak as she didn't even care to smile at me..why is that? i'll tell you later..

and so, after ten minutes, i was called in. my accessors (as what the HR been telling us) were a couple - En M, a nice wise gentleman from PMU and Pn S,a smartly dressed lady from (.. i forgot, oopss). As expected, the session started with En M explaining to me how the interview be..

"..there'll be a two hours get-to-know session, which we will go through on the given case study, and Q&A session, and if we got time, maybe some role play..so, why don't you start with telling us about yourself.."

with that, i opened my mouth and somehow, there was no the confidence me in the room. i can hear my voice shivered and as hard as i tried to sound calm, it got even worst. and En M was such an easy person that he calmed me down with his pleasant smile and the next five minutes was history.

The case study

The article given to me was the 'effect of science' which, if i could remember correctly, talked about a medicine that was still not been medically proven which has given a pre-mature insenility though it meant to help woman who has difficulty to conceive.

En M: So, what do you think about the article?

Me: It's not fair that the UK government decided not to pay the compensation as they were supposed to approve the medicine before it can be used on human.

En M: If you the government, you will pay the compensation?

Me: It least, i'll make sure that all the safety measures has been taken care before anything.

En M: Let's look at current scenario. The H1NI case.. it's a plague, and we need to medically cure them fast.. the vaccine they've given, am quite sure is not 100% tested on human and we might not know the side effect in long term. do you think the government need to the responsibility?

gosh, this guy is good.. i hesitated but still manage to answer him.

Me: At least, for this case, the government should take close measure to ensure the rakyat is well-informed, and should offer long term medical check-up what-so-ever, if they think it is possible..

En M: So, what if you are the PM? what will you do?

o my, o my, it was easy to answer if i was the rakyat.. now, i have to think as the PM, to look in to the cost, effect, popularities all those things....

Me: I will take full responsibility..hahaha..i knew they were smiling, just as i did!

En M: Let's go beyond that.. even if you will pay for the vaccine, as the whole world being infected with this plague, and i, as Obama told you, the PM..'why must i give you the vaccine. i need it, my alliance need it. why malaysia'?

with hesitant.. my answer was

Me (as PM): if there's not enough vaccine for everybody, sell us the formula, let us build it ourselve here.. and in the meantime,we will ask all our R&D to explore any traditional medicine that we may able to use..

well, he counter attack, and i took his service.. i was impressed with my ability.

The Q&A session was more like

"tell me a situation when you dealt with difficult customer, and how you encounter that"

"if you were given to choose between money and position, which will you opt as priority"

"tell me how you've been given a task that you never did before, and did you complete it"

"you have an appointment at 3pm that you cannot miss, and you were 5km away from the meeting location when you were stucked in a massive landslide traffic. what will you do?"

and few more questions...

then, i realised that we were one and half hour in the interview room... and the accessors asked if i got any question for them.. i got a few.. but the one thing i remember asking was "if there were no wrong or right answer, and we've spent nearly two hours chatting, does that mean i will get the job?"... they smiled.

it was a good experience. I didn't know how well i did. but i damn sure it wasn't as bad as the first one. on my way out, i was asked to leave all the papers, including the notes that i wrote... told you, thank God i didn't write nonsense or i'll be dead.

well, i waited for so long...... but, i finally accepted.

breath in, breath out...

2010-07-07T11:45:00.000+08:00

waiting is never healthy... not healthy at all.. your heatbeats getting faster and faster that you could hear them thumping in your ears, your migrains visit you often and you couldn't tell the doctor whether it was pure migrain or just the anxiety talking, your mind strays to stretch trying to figure when it will end... waiting is sickening.

i've been waiting .. seems like forever.. but, actually,my wait started two months ago. last week, i thought my waiting has ended. i was wrong, no doubt. as i'm writing this, i still need to wait. aggghhh... it's like the ulcers i had in my mouth, two of them, on the left and on the right side.. its hurt when i want to sip the water, and its so painful when i chewed my food, and its stink when i applied the oral aid on them... and all i need is to wait for it to heal.. and everybody knew i had this ulcer, and everybody knew there's nothing much that they can say but 'sabar'...

until i got everything settled, my posting will be very very very boring...dead boring..hmmm

symbiosis

2010-06-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

i feel like writing this morning.. am listening to 'simbosis' song by ella and whenever i heard it, reminded me to the love of mine..

aku tak pandai mengarang puisi
tidak ku pandai bermadah berseni
satu kalimah yang ku seikhlas tahu
hanyalah kucinta padamu

and yes, there's so many love songs that reminded me to us.. 'Thank God I Found You', 'No One Else Comes Close' 'Larut' ' All the Small Things' and many more.... and now that he's away, i miss him.
we had 'minor arguments' few days before he left. and it didn't make me feel good..and i found out neither did him. of course, when we both realised how we've brought the time we had together to waste, we regret it.. i know i do. but then again, being a perfect human, we tend to do that.. to regret things later.

i was mad when he said i was overreacting. i was heartbroken when he accused me of putting less priority on the family. i was sad when he said i was lazy. i was anxious when he told me i gained weight. i was everything but good when he throw all those 'mean' remarks.

when we kiss now and then, my foot didn't sprung up like the first kiss we had.. but am glad i had that experience with him when it did sprung.
when we cuddle now and then, i told him right away when once a while i felt the hugs suffocate me.. but am glad i always have his muscular arms to wrap me around when i really really need good hugs.
when we talk now and then, i sometimes shut him off just because i want to talk more than listening to him..but am glad he is all ears out for his chattybox.
when we make love now and then, i sometimes (very seldom) fake it like most women will do (note to men out there: we women do!).. but am glad that i don't remember the last time i have to fake it even once for the most sessions we had (ok, i need to stop here)

and by posting this out, i know he knew i mean well. to be fair...nope, to rationalize things, he has his point when he said what he said and when he did what he did.. i may not agree with him, i may not happy with his remarks, i may be so blardy mad ...

but he is always there for me. i know, for now, and for future insyaallah, he'll be there for me. because he loves me. as much as i love him. when either of us not in a mood or its the 'day of the month' or lack of sleeps that make us ticked off easily or the mood swings or be it for any reason and we just want to grumble and shut things off... the love we have for each other will reach out..

at this moment, when he's away, missing the family dinners, missing the 'wah, aidan can read better now', missing the 'aimar laughed instead of cried when he got choked', missing the counselling session when i need him to do that to me... i owe it to him. when there's so many boys out there that i knew who are very irresponsible, i want to know i keep thanking God for our jodoh.

and yes, i know i love you when i hate to see the bed is half empty.
and yes, i know you love me too.