I posted this in my notes in FB on 20 Jan 2010
I have doubts publishing what I want to write next.. By publishing it, I might have touched hearts that might not be heal forever, I might even cried whenever I think of it.. and why must I write something that is so hurtful and let tears flowing and keep reminding us about sob stories...
But, after few days, I still think I need to write what I want to write.
She knew her husband since they were thirteen, when they were just kids going to the same school. She was madly in love with him, the only guy that she knew and learned about love, which may be one of the reason we didn't talk much about boys as all she can talked about were him, him and him...the only guy that she've known for the last fourteen years.
They got married last year.It was a lovely wedding.By end of this month, they are celebrating their first wedding anniversary. After three HCG-stick test, she was tested positive. She was very excited. It was supposed to be the best wedding anniversary that one can asked for... After nearly a year of waiting eagerly, a life was formed in her, and she was so happy. I've been there, twice, and there's nothing that word can describe, the mixed feelings of the happiness in preparing oneself to bring a life to the world, the worries to have the best of it and the mysteries of caring a human being in your body... Her husband was so excited as well, of course. He forced her to eat all she can, to ensure she is well-fed with nutritious food. He bought her tonnes and tonnes of soya drinks, milks, cereals and all he could think of.
Only to find out that, the spotting that she's been having were not normal implantation bleeding. Their first gynea visit did not turned out like how it should be. I was in a meeting with the VP when she called. I did not answer it the first time. I text her, telling I was in a meeting, and just text me if she wanted to share any news. She insisted in calling.. I sensed something not right. I picked up her phone, and she was crying. She told me they have scheduled for her operation to be at 3pm. And I stumbled. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was on the left tube and at ninth week this was totally not right. Two hours after she was in the OT, we were under the impression that the baby has been removed, safely, and the gynea managed to avoid open surgery and the tube was still intact. The baby that came out was so tiny. It was like a piece of meat, and nothing more. So tiny and no human form physically. We were ok. And the next morning, she text me as I was in the office. She said, her tube was badly damage that the doctor had to remove it. And I lost control. I was crying along the way, just because I knew I could definitely not be as strong as she has to. And she is a strong girl. She was 'removed' from her boarding school for getting less As than she supposed too, and she still strong. She did not score her SPM and the result were so bad that she has no choice but to go to non-certified college, and she still strong. She was on Dean's list and planning to further her studies in UK but not getting any scholar because the course she was taking was not 'critical' course despite of her marvellous result, and she still strong. She worked as a general worker in Tesco Manchester, and she still strong.. And today, she supposed to be 'berpantang' like all new-mothers, but without her baby... and I knew she still standing strong....She is just not me.
She will cry. She will give up once a while. She will asks why did these happen to her. She will not understand what had happened. She will wonder if she will ever have the chance to be happy.
With her husband, loyally and lovingly be there for her. With her families who love her no matter what no matter how. With all the prayers. I want her to know there's future, a happy ending. I want her to know that the baby she's been carrying for the past nine weeks was a lovely baby, anak bertuah. One day, she'll be sharing the story to her children, telling that she are blessed with her kids because of this baby.
Sayang, my dear friend was telling me " God won't test us if He thinks we can't go through it".. Maha Besar Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui...and He knows you are strong enough to go through all this.
There's always a blessing of what had happened. And please know, we all do love you very much. Stay strong, dear.
as i was reading the notes, i cried.
and today, i cried again.
i was literally meraung!!!
hari ni, she's been tested with another dugaan Allah.
irfan sofean (i'm not even sure if i ever got the spelling right, but it's for sure a beautiful name for a beautiful healthy boy)... he has always been healthy.. cuma umur die tak panjang. tak sempat mama ain nak peluk cium dia.. tak sempat mama irfan sendiri nak peluk cium die!!
my baby sister, she got no where but to be strong. but even i got tired trying to compute what she has to go through!
after her ectopic pregnancy, they were blessed with beautiful hyper iris sofea. we both gone thru the trimesters as i was pregnant as well. best ada geng pregnant sesama. though they were alert about her uti, sugar content and everything, she went thru and iris was a charm.
a year after, as they were trying for their next baby, and conceived,we were all very happy.but it didn't last long. at week 10, or maybe wk 12, they faced with miscarriage. i couldn't believe when she broke the news. ujian Allah untuk hamba-Nya. she was always strong.
and again, 9 months ago, she conceived. they were expecting a baby boy. we were esctatic!!!
they are in bintulu. yeen had it all plan. to deliver in bintulu, to wait for few days only she will come back to kl for her maternity. she is so strong. she had everything fixed herself. the maid, the nanny, the hospital.. everything. sikit pun tak nyusahkan kitorang.
pagi tadi, the waterbag broke. at 8am, they went to the hospital. she was 2cm dilating. at 10am, fifi told me the baby's heartbeat was dropping and doc decided to perform c-sec. at around 11, fifi called. it was the hardest shortest teleconversation we had. the baby passed away. 'saya tak tau macam mana nak bagitau yeen, kak'.. even at the point me writing this, i still don't know how fifi told his lovely wife about the news.
tapi semua dah selesai. baby irfan dah selamat dikebumikan. bertuah sungguh dia. anak soleh. dia tunggu mama ayah dia di pintu syurga nanti.
betul, siapa kita, insan kerdil yang mampu menolak takdir. jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut, semua hak Allah. He has a better plan for my sis, her hubby, kakak iris n baby irfan. baby irfan anak bertuah. tho at the early pregnancy still ada complication, he gone thru it with his mama sesihat mampu. baby irfan will surely be missed. tak sempat nak main bola dengan abg aidan, abg aimar. apa2 pun, baby irfan anak bijak, tak menyusahkan mama ayah. yang pastinya, baby irfan will always be a reason for mama ayah kak iris dan adik2 nanti (insyaallah) untuk keep flying back to bintulu. alfatihah.
my baby sister, you lived thru with one ovary's tube at the age of 28.
my baby sister, you witnessed that fetus of yours flushed away and got confused when they said you had your miscarriage at the age of 30.
my baby sister, you had your tummy cut, they removed your sweet lil baby, but you didn't have a chance to hold him dearly..at the age of 31!
syg adik akak, akak tau tau apa pesan boleh akak bagi,
akak tak tau apa kata penyedap hati,
akak tipu kalau akak suruh jangan sedih bila akak sendiri tak boleh berhenti menangis dari pagi tadi..
syg adik akak, nangis lah sayang. nangis sepuasnya. nangis sampai nanti kering airmata. nangis lah kalau itu ubatnya. bukan kita mendengki takdir. bukan kite menyumpah nasib. kita akur acara Allah memang yang terbaik untuk kita. cuma buat saat ini, lepas berzikir selawat menenang hati, kita nangis. kalau lah itu antara cara mendekatkan kita dengan Dia dan si kecil itu.