Tuesday, January 20, 2015

so, it was supposed to be easy?

it has been a week since my husband is off for his routine work duties. that means, it has been a week that i became a 'full time 100% mom' taking care of the kids. and today, i am posting to blog how ashamed i am to myself!

after a decade being a mother, appreciating motherhood and what-so-ever, i broke down!

as i've been telling people (and maybe it was for myself), i have always been good in whatever i do. i was a start student and an excellent employee. but, after one week, taking care of the kids, and trust me, i do cheat and let them stay with their grandparents over the weekend so that i could have a night alone for myself, i still posting this!

no pun intended, but i always thought committing 100% time being a stay-at-home mom will kill any decent lady. what will you do when the kids are off to school, the laundry are done, the house is cleaned by the weekend helper and you can opt to buy your food just a five-minute drive away if you don't want to cook yourself. and this is almost an everyday routine. of course, one of the day, you can go shopping, meet your friends over lunch, go for another shopping, bloggings, on-line shopping, FB, TV, reading and many more.. but, what's next?

somehow, after a week, i was haunted with my own shadows.

before i could realized it, instead of opting lazy time on the bed after the subuh prayer, i had to wake up, took my shower (or maybe later), got the boys ready for school and off we went..faced the horrifying traffic no matter how early we decided to make our move! and once they were off to school, stopped by the nasi lemak stall for quick breakfast, back to home for few minutes naps, and before i knew it, it's another half hour to boob. there were zuhur, lunch and few hours of reading or blogging and zap, time to pick up the kids. reached home, prepared dinner if i felt like it, or just lazing around with another round of my e-book. maghrib, recited quran with the boys and off for dinner if i didn't prepare any homecooked. worked on their homework and some revisions. and it was time to sleep. shut the kids off, and i tried to get some rest myself, and without me noticing it, there goes my 24 hours routine.

the kids were kids, and to add the drama, there were two of them, and they were boys! i have to constantly told them 'stop giving mama headaches, please', and two minutes right-after, i have to mutter the same sentence again. having a toddler is an additional 'advantage'. she would whine, she would charmed her way, she would want all the attention on her.

and being ambitious is unhealthy for someone in remission. aidan need a UHU glue, a box and coloured paper for the art class, and dang, i still hasn't bought it yet.oh no, i went to the bookshoop and didn't get it for him! aimar is eight year old and still struggling with the articles a, an and the.. oh no, is he been missing in class? aivey is going to four, talks a lot and still struggling with potty train. gosh! and i couldn't get the printer to print out aidan's history homework!!! i need my man!

this is the start..

somehow, i still think a fixed office work with complete job description is workable for me rather than a home-maker trying to figure out everything and pretend to the stakeholders that i know this is the right way 'coz i'm a mother!

what was i thinking?????

Friday, January 16, 2015

if you can't understand, please respect

it has been a long silence.. as usual:)
nope, i wasn't busy with work.. definitely not. 
nope, i wasn't occupied with things.. been avoiding the ironing despite of the pile-up laundry
nope, i wasn't rushing here and there.. my eyes prefer to rest during daylights
no excuses on my silent..

i've been meaning to post a lot of things
the year end of 2014 and the new year 2015
the kids growing up
and me being a full-time not working in the office.. yup, as much as i decided to resign, due to circumstances, i settled for six months of unpaid leave. 
let me spare the bragging of being on unpaid in a different post. 

as for now, i'm blogging as i just have to express out what's inside. 
i was always a star student. 
i excelled in school, i went miles away from home to complete my degree, i got excellent jobs and i never stop being ambitious. 

wham!bam! i had lumps on my neck, and it was malignant. 
i got it treated.
and after twice of MRIs, alhamdullillah.. i'm still breathing. 

when we got sick,  we took antibiotics, we got it treated, and we will (insyaallah) be in the road of recovery. 
the recovery shouldn't take as much time as anyone could have expected. 
after four months of recovery, and with the MRIs confirming the news, i felt obligated to go to work. i was on sick leave for nearly seven months, and i was paid throughout without doing any work. i was raised by an army officer who uphold his integrity to the highest. bila dah jadi amanah, jaga amanah sebaik mungkin. my guilty conscience was mounted that i knew i have to go to work soonest. one note that i've forgotten was the sickness that i got was not fever or a runny nose. the recovery took longer than i've expected. 

i went to work, still. 
i got tired easily and got sick on alternate days.
i broke down with emotions too sudden over small things. 
i hated the question 'how are you'
i was not performing as much as i used to be. 
and the best thing is to leave. 

what comes around, comes around. 
i have a very strong opinions on ladies who excel in career who opted not to work and contribute. 
and i'm in that lady's shoe..
i am determine. 
i am best at home.
i am still as ambitious as i have ever been. 
i am confident, this is my path,

but i must admit, i have mixed feelings when other career-minded women asked me 'so, this is for real?'
the question was just that.
but, seems like i could here what's in their mind..
.. what a waste, bright lady with a good job in a great company..
.. depending on the husband, alone?..
.. are you sure you won't get bored?..
.. so, what will be your contribution then?..
.. how nice to be a tai-tai..
at least, those are the few i could think of..
and i always have different version answering the question, depending on who's asking and how 'loud' the question is..

but just now, one of the closest to me muttered an 'advice'.. "kerjalah.. duduk rumah buat apa?"
i can't bring myself to a steady mind and i cried.
my dearest, i knew the intention is genuine.
i knew it's for 'the best'.
but please know, i have my reasons.

1. i want to learn more about myself. i've been lacking spiritually, and giving new chance to still breathe, i should grab it without waiting. i want to learn islam. i want to know my lackings. i want to improve for betterment. i've always been a sinner and allah still granted me with full of blessings in life. i want to spend more time, repenting, learning and become a better muslimah.

2. i've been in marriage for a decade. as much as i keep thinking i've sacrificed a lot in the relationship, i kept forgetting it takes two to tango. my husband has always been a good man. yes, he may not be perfect, but so do i. we both are learning and we both want to change for a betterment. even after fifteen years of working, i could hardly save a single cent. and i never have to spend a single cent for the family expenses. my husband took care of everything. alhamdullillah. the rezeki is suffice. and all he wanted for me is not to work so that i could spend more time raising the kids. i didn't know what took me so long to come to that agreement.  and i'm still thankful for having such a patience husband. i know, some may think 'you never know, he's a MAN, you know'. i believe, allah is with me. as what allah says to the ummu mukminin,  'and stay in your houses and display not your finery' (al-ahzab; ayat 33).

3. i want to be the best mom my kids would ever remembered. as my husband put it, i am looking forward to the day when they totally understand that i pick them over the career in me. i am committed to raise them, full time and raise them well. i want them to become the best of an insaan they should be. and i want the, to be proud to tell others that i worked for them. i want to spend time with them, get involve in their daily life.

4. i am still not well. i may look fine, i may tell you i'm ok. just because, i myself has stop complaining. if i told you i was not well, all you can do is giving me the sympathy look. don't tell me that you'll understand cause you'll never will. and because of me not being as healthy as i wish i was, i guess it's best for me not to work instead of earning monthly income but not fulfilling the commitment that i should have. 

5. i started to be intolerance with fakers, backstabbers, backbitters, idiot people who snobbish enough to think they were right and many more negative people. okay, one may perceived me as a negative people too. but, at this age, after what i've gone thru, i knew i couldn't change the mindset of the people i worked with.but for sure, i can teach my kids to be a great khalifah, and they will surely be able to change the world for better, insyallah. 

the list could be extended, but at this current rate, these are the few. 

please don't get me wrong. i'm not undermining any working mom. i respected you people for being able to cope both motherhood and the career life. perhaps, some just have no choice but to work. perhaps some just as ambitious as i used to be when it comes to career. perhaps, some just love working. 

but, to those who still think it's a waste for a talent like me not to work, please know, i know this is what i want to do. a bigger best thing is about to happen, insyaallah. and don't worry, i'm still as ambitious as i used to be. it just me. you couldn't imagine the pressure i'm in to raise the kids the way i've visioned. i channeled my ambition to those promises of our breed.

if you can't understand, just please respect my decision and wish me luck.