Ampunkan aku Ya Allah

 Paling takut bila hari bertemu dengan Allah, cek-cek akaun, akaun kosong. 

Wa na'uzubillah

Astaghfirullah al-'adzeem..

...

Ya Allah, 

Aku tak baik, Ya Allah

Aku banyak dosa.

Dari dulu, sampai hari ni, dalam pada aku cuba untuk memperbaiki diri, aku masih berdosa. 

Ya Allah, 

ampun kan aku

bantu aku

tunjuki aku jalan menuju bahagia berkekalan. 

Ya Allah, ampunkan aku Ya Allah

Ampunkan aku.

Dan beri kekuatan untuk aku. 

Berlepas dengan masa silam, untuk aku tenang di masa depan.

Allahu musta'an,

Allahumma ameen

Pay it forward

Jiwa kacau sungguh ~

Nak buat baik tu tak susah, tapi, syaitan tu sangat rajin berkerja walaupun hasutannya sangat lemah, nafsu itu sangat besar rajanya dek sebab iman yang lemah... 

Allahu musta'an.

Bantu aku, Ya Allah. 

...

Tadi, terniat nak wasap AbgYie nak tanya pasak UM enrollment. 

Alhamdulillah, at least, Aidan secured a place in PASUM. Sebab result interview tak dapat lagi, so, we are going for UM for now ~ whichever is best for him, Allah knows, so, help him, Ya Allah. 

Aisyah anak AbgYie pun dapat asasi UM gak, so, I wanted to text AbgYie to ask about the fees and all sorts of other arrangement. 

Memang jarang chat / wasap AbgYie personal... selalu komen dalam group family je. So, masa bukak window nak wasap dia personal, I read the last message I wrote to him. THe last two messages was on October 2019, and early 2020.

Masa tu, abang dah masuk tahun ke4 tak kerja. It was not something that I like to keep on remembering ~ as much as cancer was horrifying, that phase was heartbreaking. 

...

First of all, I, personally, do not have anybody. 

Subhanallah.. that was when I 'discovered' Allah ~ how close He was to His 'abd, how true He was when He said everyone will have their own provisions, not to worry about the kids, how low I was for not looking for Him when I was younger. 

My 'close-knit' family left me ~ not just that they 'abandon' me, they even 'mocked' me.. 

Tasha tulis status, 'patut mati masa cancer hari tu'

Abang Chik tulis message. yang dikongsi di whatsapp status, 'meh sini bawak batang pokok, letak atas perut diorang laki bini, biar aku pijak sampai mampus'

Ika maki mencarut kat aku, menghina anak-anakku, katanya, anak-anak jadi gila sebab mak bapak gila. 

Allahu akbar, they were not old, but they were not young at that time. 

These kids who I loved so much, said so many bad things about me. 

Honestly, I still don't know how should I react, even until today. 

And in 2019 ~ walaupun kami tak meminta, we literally have 'nothing'. Ada rezeki, adalah. Surprisingly, datang orang ntah sapa2 yang dok bagi tak putus masuk duit dalam bank ~ yang pastinya bukan mereka yang bergaji  belas ribu, puluh ribu yang kerja mewah di bangunan berkembar terkenal di dunia. Yang datang hulur bantuan, sahabat yang tak pernah aku tegur sapa masa di Maktab, yang bisnes dia merundum  sebab takde project masa Covid... Yang datang hulur bantuan, sahabat yang struggle nak bayar yuran sekolah anak, jenuh kerja sampai malam penuhkan shift sebab nak dapat elaun. Yang datang hulur bantuan, adik-beradik suamiku, yang tak pernah berkira, sampai penuh bank account nak pastikan cukup belanja makan minum pakai anak-anak sedara mereka. 

Tak, aku tak harap rezeki sesapa, hatta, keturanan darah daging aku. 

Tapi, hari ni, aku baca mesej wasap waktu kami diuji, wasap aku berterima kasih sebab dapat langsaikan yuran Aimar di sekolahnya, wasap aku terhutang budi sebab dapat duit nak belanjan makan anak-anak makan nandos yang lama diorang idamkan. 

Aku nak ingatkan anak-anakku yang membaca, it wasn't as easy ~ but do remember, rezeki Allah tak pernah putus dan Allah lah tempat kamu bergantung. cari rezeki lebih, sebab jadi tanggungjawab kamu, cari orang susah dan bantulah. 

Au kata, "pay it forward"

To those who have helped me and my family when we were in dire need, please get into the Jannah before I do for you guys much deserving than me. 

To those who mocked us, thank you. 

Being 'manusia'

 "Benda wajib sebagai manusia pun, saya belum mampu lakukan. Saya tak mahu nanti, bila pakai tudung, lepas tu bukak balik. Saya tak mahu nama Islam dimomok, diburukkan dan dikecam."

...

I heard that statement from an artist and I cried instantaneously. 

If you asked me ten years ago, I might say that there's nothing wrong with the statement. It is one's decision and as human we should respect her decision and just pray for hidayah be with her. 

If you asked me fifteen years ago, I knew I would say that there are nothing wrong about the statement. She is right. She just don't want to be a hypocrite, so, let be and may she find hidayah and courage to wear tudung. 

If you asked me twenty years ago, I would say that it is very wise and noble of her to think of perfecting herself as human. If the time will, hidayah will be hers. 

...

Astaghfirullah. 

I was looking on my phone when the Quran app prompted the ayah of the day ~ 

خَلَقَ ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ, 

He created man [Ar-Rahman 55:3]. 

Fullstop ~ every tricks, reasons and excuses that one might have in mind, are all being rebut in the Quran. Subhanallah.

As simple as the two kalimah: خَلَقَ ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ. 

We are human, created by Allah, for a purpose as Allah says in the Quran 

وَمَا خَلَقۡتُ ٱلۡجِنَّ وَٱلۡإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعۡبُدُونِ, 

I have not created the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. [Adz-Dzaariyaat 51:56]

And not for us to be human, not to perfect the humanity in us and then adhere to Islamic rulings. It is our obligation to fulfill His order. Allah ask us in the Quran:

أَفَحَسِبۡتُمۡ أَنَّمَا خَلَقۡنَٰكُمۡ عَبَثٗا وَأَنَّكُمۡ إِلَيۡنَا لَا تُرۡجَعُونَ

Did you think that We created you with no purpose, and that you would not be brought back to Us? [ Al-Mu'minuun 23:115]

Allah don't need us, it is us who need Him. 

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ أَنتُمُ ٱلۡفُقَرَآءُ إِلَى ٱللَّهِۖ وَٱللَّهُ هُوَ ٱلۡغَنِيُّ ٱلۡحَمِيدُ

O people, it is you who are in need of Allah, whereas Allah is the Self-Sufficient, the Praiseworthy. [Fatir 35:15]

...

Subhanallah, what was I thinking fifteen, twenty years ago? 

Astaghfirullah. 

I would approve the idea of 'no, i don't want to be a hypocrite', without realizing I was the hypocrite. 

I would say, 'it's better than mocking Islam by not having the right fix', without realizing I was mocking Islam. 

I would chant the word, 'belum sampai lagi hidayah. hidayah milik Allah. pray for mine, please,' without putting any attemp to not just find it, but even asking for it!

I would support and praise the idea of being noble human than being an obedience 'abd, slave of Allah. 

Astaghfirullah. 

I was blessed with cancer, Alhamdulillah.

I was grateful He didn't take my life then so that I could look for Him. Alhamdulillah. 

And for my dear sisters who are still struggling to be the best muslimah, and hence the best human. I know it's not easy to get 'there', making the hijrah, making a bold change

It is hard. 

But trust me, like it or not, it's an obligation. 

Have we not see the love of Allah when He allow us to still breath, and have what we have today?

Because He love us. He created us. and He didn't need anything from us. however, He is the one who provides us. 

Jom, hijrah!

Darah warna apa?

Tetiba hari ni macam terajin lak nak memblog... hahahaha

...

Dok baca-baca message WhatsApp kat group Muafakat batch Aidan... adoooiiiiiiii... malas nak cakap pasai ethics and bagai... sume tu, i know i can never make peace with it, so, hadamkan je lah... tak sabar nak tunggu Aidan settle sambung belajar and nak abandon group tu.. 

huhuhuhu

Tapi, kejap ni, terkesan pasal ada yang mention 'darah hijau'...

Honestly, since day one, as much as I wanted to join the darah hijau clan tapi I really don't want to have that label on me ~ never proud of it, and never want to associate with it. 

I can share so many stories of why nots.... but i guess, i'll just keep it for now.. or maybe i'll spill it staggeredly, dalam sedar tak sedar.. hahaha

but, i really pray to Allah, kalau ada rezeki anak-anak nak berdarah hijau, ya Allah, jauhkan lah mereka dari sifat-sifat buruk kedarahan itu...semoga yang baik-baik sahaja yang melekat dan mengalir pada mereka, ya Allah. Allahumma ameen. 

...

Kadang-kadang, kita terlalu bangga dengan apa yang bukan kita punya pun. Kita bangga berdarah hijau, apa milik kita hasil bumi yang kita keluarkan dan guna buat komersil? Apa matikah darah itu kalau kita lari tak mahu lagi bersama organisasi itu? Ke kita yang mati sebab tak  cukup darah nak sambung bernafas di bumi Allah ini? Kita bangga berdarah hijau sebab koleksi Gucci dan Ferragamo mampu kita miliki penuh satu almari? Kita bangga berdarah hijau sebab belanja mewah buat ibadah haji itu rezeki VIP? Kita bangga berdarah hijau sebab anak tak pandai pun mampu kita gajikan sesedap hati? Kita bangga apa sebenarnya? 

Satu je nak tanya, kalau satu hari nanti, terputus bekalan, kau tak diperlukan lagi, mana nak cari bank darah topup darah premum RON97 kaler hijau tu?

Mati terus ke? Lepas mati, apa jadi?

...

Allahu musta'an. Moga Allah lindungi diri dan anak-anak, walau sekecil atom zarah sekalipun, rasa sombong takbur hingga menjadi pengikut dan sahabat iblis. waiyyadzubillah.

Nak sambung belajar oversea

As I'm drafting this, Aidan dah nak masuk 2 jam 'bertarung' untuk interview PNB. Honestly, Mama baru rasa lega ~ since tau dia kena attend the interview, jiwa bergelora kerisauan non-stop sampai pagi tadi.. Tapi, kena act cool sebab takmo nanti kang berjangkit ke Aidan, lagi serabut kang... 

Alhamdulillah, as I told him, just put your best foot forward, lepas tu ingat, rezeki Allah tentukan dah.. Dia nak buat bumi ngan langit ni pun takde masalah, apatah lagi nak kasik awak dapat scholarship sambung belajar ni.... May Allah eases all your interviews affairs, dan moga awak dapatlah capai cita-cita awak tu. Allahumma ameen. 

...

Semalam dia dapat result UPU. Alhamdulillah, accepted untuk Asasi Sains Fizikal UM. That was his first choice, and obviously, UM hot-seat kot.. dapat secure its Asasi, kira dah rezeki molek sangat dah tu, Alhamdulillah. 

Sebelum nak tido, Aidan tanya, "Ma, kalau tak dapat scholarship tiga-tiga interview nanti ni, cammana? Aidan masuk UM ke?"

Told him, "not to worry about it. UM tu boleh reply by 16th. Kalau by 16th takde news from the sponsorship, kita accept je dulu UM tu. tengoklah cammana lepas tu."

Lepas tu dia gi masuk bilik dia. 

Few mins lepas tu, dia ketuk bilik mama balik. "Ma, kalau accept UM., kena prepare bayar RM2000-RM3000"

"Ya Allah AbgDan, please don't worry about the fees.Masa kita accept tu, bukan nak bayar siap-siap pun. And even if kena bayar, Insyaallah, aboh will make sure akan ada allocation bila anak-anak nak belajar. And not to worries. Mama Aboh tahu awak nak buat A level, sambung belajar oversea.. Insyaallah... susah cammana, sume tu, let Mama Aboh settlekan.. awak punya tugas belajar. Dah belajar, dapat kerja, settle dah tanggungjawab kitorang... so, just do your part. Be aanak soleh. Lain-lain, kita tahu kita ada Allah."

...

I know that was him being anxious. 

I am partly to be blame. I was hard on him.. dari kecik, sampailah malam semalam, despite me thinking mama dah tenang-tenang... 

gosh! bila ngan Aidan ni, memang mama letak extra pressure by telling him 'awak benchmark adik2'...pastu ngan Aimar, Aivey, mama buat rilek je... huhuhuhuhuh 

Kesian anak soleh sorang tu. 

I know he really wanted to go to oversea. Bila tengok ramai anak-anak batch Aidan yang would want to settle in Malaysia, rasa macam 'ralat' pun ada. 

Kenapa oversea kalau Malaysia pun ada banyak good universities????

Well... kalau lah orang tahu, it's not about the universities and the degree education. It's the life experience and education. Belajar macam mana omputeh belajar ~ diorang tak hebat pun! Pemalas, busuk, pemalas, mabuk, pemalas, bodoh. Okaylah.. yang pandai tu pandai lah, yang rajin tu rajin lah... tapi yang busuk dan mabuk tu memang diorang!

Anyway, bukan time ni nak bash diorang. But when we hope anak-anak sambung belajar luar negara, kitorang nak diorang survive... Duduk kat Malaysia, hatta, kat Sabah Sarawak sekalipun, kalau kau nak berasa dapat teh tarik pure mamak pukul 3 pagi, kau masih mampu cari, itu bukan survival beb!

Imagine, ko nak berasa sangat makan roti canai ~ ko kumpul duit nak gi Malaysia Hall kat London tu.. kalau ko belajar kat London ok lagi.. tapi, kalau luar London, ko nak kena pikir transport ngan stay kat London.. pastu, ko beratur nak gi makan kantin Malaysia Hall yang memang dah murah banding kafe lain.. tup tup, ko order roti canai ngan teh tarik, ko kena bayar RM50 kos makan... tu tak kire kos travelling and staying. amik ko! Ko mampu rasa camtu kalau ko kat Malaysia???? 

Pikir lak.. bila dah hari-hari, paling koman pun boleh dengar azan kat TV / radio, ko duduk kat oversea dinung, nak dengar takbir pagi raya setahun sekali pun ko kena kuar bajet carik komuniti ada muslim. Mampu???? Duduk oversea yang bukan kita majoriti tak sama dengan duduk kat Malaysia, being a Muslim Malay.. mewah lain macam! Tu belum kena tahan struggle orang pandang ko Muslim kat oversea dinung..dia tengok ID kat, "Muhammad? You Muslim???" pastu ko dah rasa macam tahanan! Trust me! It's awefully sakit hati!

Kat sana, student depa memang lah hampeh ~ tapi lecturers and faciliteis and companies privates yang memang support budak pandai ni, no doubt, terbaik.. they do indeed ada ilmu dan memang tiptop.... Kita amik ilmu depa, kita bawak mai Malaysia, apply and ajar anak bangsa, untuk mudahkan anak bangsa, untuk untung hidup, untuk senang nak ibadah... Tak ke untung?

Bajet nak belanja mmg kena kalau kerja nak kena convert duit RM ke Euro our POund or USD. But trust me, keje part time sana, ko boleh simpan beli MErc bawak balik Mesia. Memang mahsyuk duit, pastu cost of living (unless ko duduk bandar macam London tu, is an exception) memang takde masalah. 

Furthermore, ko pergi oversea time ko sengkek, jadi student undergra, worry-free, takde commitment and sort sebenarnyais the best time, as compared to ko dah kerja, can afford lavish holidays overseas with families etc... trust me,backpacking and mandi sehari sekali, tido kat train station, survive makan fries and plain water... all those are nikmat jadi students oversea. 

So, I'm not doubting the syllabus in Malaysia universities education, but to live life, Mama akan still usaha untuk anak-anak keluar dari Malaysia ni... 

So that you will see, omputeh ni bukan bagus langsung... sembang je kuat! Trust me!

And cuma satu ~ pegang aqidah, solat quran jangan tinggal, ever.. 

In the meantime, Mama ABoh akan tak putus doa. Ameen... 

Ya Allah bagi yang terbaik untuk anak-anak kami Ya Allah. Allahumma ameen. 

For now, mama simpan gambar ni jap kat sini:

Sembang cinta

Let's talk about love.... again and again...

Let's talk in the most comfortable ways and words and so you may understand. 

...

Honestly, if one is to say love is blind, I'm in total disagreeing to that. 

I might have agreed with it when I was 18 and being fooled by this one boy who swept me away, giving me 'cute' nicknames, to both myself and himself. He wrote long letters, and never failed to posted me the snail mail once or twice in a week. And being a distance away from home, I thought he loved me enough to believe all the rumours about him being the casanova man in his college. It broke my heart, badly. I have literally given him everything, and I lost everything because of love. It wasn't a great breakup ~ but, reflecting it back, I glad I did it, even after 5 years being in a 'loyal' relationship. 

For being loyal, I missed the opportunity to hear the confession from one of the boy, a friend I knew from my English course back in KL who was studying in Middlesex at that time. I also missed the opportunity to 'layan' a crush that wrote me a bold and sweet notes, a Bruneian who passed me the notes at the Malaysian Hall canteen telling me he saw me and thought I was cute and wanted to befriend me. I stop pursuing my adrenalin being told by one of the University student (I was just a college student back then) who was soooo 'smitten' (the first time I heard about the word back in 1996..hahaha) by me. I missed knowing that I was supposed to be ok with or without my then-boyfriend who were miles and miles away from me and cheated on me, throughout the five years. Demn..... 

It was on my final year that I decided to seek the truth. I called his affairs, all the way from UK to Malaysia (and back in 2000, that wasn't cheap and there was no internet call then!). I called the girl and asked about her relationship with the boy I was supposed to be going out with at that time... and she spilled out the beans. She told me, they were literally an item, but he told her, he just couldn't leave me because he love me! What the heck!! Imagine this ~ okay, I F*&^~ around with you, but I love her! Bangang ke apa??? 

I remember my best friend back then was telling me,'ko ni setia sangat woi.. kalau ko buat steady-steady je, ramai dah lelaki masuk queue nak tackle ko!'.... My friend told me, he wanted me to get to know one of his best friend. But I rejected his idea the moment he threw it. After all, I did met his friend once, and he didn't seem like he was interested. 

So, when I found out about the boy I was going out with at that time cheated on me, I was so pissed off. I wasn't heartbroken, to be honest. I wasn't crying. But, I just thought, I need 'sweet' revenge. 

I distant myself. Not writing any mails, not answering any calls, not replying to any texts from him. He even calls his friends in the UK, to check on me.. to beg forgiveness and all... I was 'busy'. 

I made my move. I started talking to the best friend of my best friend. We clicked instantaneously.. He was in London and I was in Manchester. When my sister was staying with me while waiting for her SPM result to come out at that time, we decided to be real tourist and visit London. I could arrange the stay by either staying with Uncle Mail's or even the MARA hostel, but I decided to give him a call ~ crushing on his room instead. He willingly said ok, stayed in his friend's room and gave my sister and I, his room that weekend. We had great weekend, as he accompanied us doing the touristy things and everything went well. Departing back to Manchester from Euston was something 'somber' to me back then. That was the moment, I knew that I was 'smitten' by him. 

agghhhhh... to cut things shorts ~ I'm glad that things happened. Alhamdulillah. Do I regret being loyal to the cheater for five years? Hell no!!! Who could have thought how it would ended. That London boy is mine, officially, for the last 23 years.. Alhamdulillah.. my boyfreind-then-husband. 

If I were to pursuit in cheating my ex with my Sarawakian friend, or Bruneian crush, or the senior who was smitten by me.... I might not have met and pursuit my relationship with that 'apek' Acap.. Alhamdulillah. 

So, love is blind??? 

Nope ~ love is not blind at all.. but some people is evil enough to blind us with their false hopes and that was it. 

When it is real love.. trust me, it just LOVE.. and just by saying that statement, you know, you heart is smiling and your feet is flying, even without wings..

Alhamdulillah... till Jannah, insyaallah

Aimar wakil negeri ~ wuuhuu

 Alhamdulillah...

Before cuti raya hari tu, Aimar roger ~ katanya terpilih untuk Kem Daei Pena Muda peringkat Negeri..

We were elated to hear the news .. cam tak caya je, that piece yang dia tulis last minute, tak sempat mama nak proofread bebetul, was selected to represent Kemaman.. Alhamdulillah. 

There were 15 names masa dia nak submit the writings... though, not as much as BM, space for English writings pun memang lesser... for him to be selected was definitely a blessing we was hoping for, but didn't put high expectation in it. 

He was at the camp in Besut for 3 days. The first draft of 800 words, kena kasi perisi lagi, sampai ke 1200 words.. kena bagi drama, kena bagi perisa. 

On the last day, his name was called to read his piece in front of all the participants. Alhamdulillah, he was selected to represent Terengganu for English essay. It was something big and Mama tahu, Mama lagi berdebar dari dia and still can't move on... cam tak caya je. 

Kalau baca essay dia, I would say 'beshe-beshe' je... tapi, knowing essay tu, memang dia tulis dari hati dia, I know it is something!

I wish I could share his writing here ~ tapi, sebab belum final lagi, maka I'll just keep it to myself dulu. 

Essay yang buat Cik Ani kumpul airmata, tahan sebak. Indeed, it was definitely a reminder and distant memory, not only to me and my dear hubby, but also anak-anak bila Aboh takde kerja for the good four years. Alhamdulillah.. the essay Aimar wrote, "when I decided to quit..." was a story about him witnessing how strong his Aboh has been masa kami diuji dengan Aboh losing his job. 

Somehow, masa tu, cuma ada kami and my husband's siblings and my friends... tak putus support kami, doa untuk kami... and don't get me started with yang bagi duit, directly and indirectly... Mashaallah... kita tak mintak... tapi itu cara Allah bagi rezeki untuk anak-anak. No fancy holidays, no expensive restaurants... yet, kami sentiasa 'ada'.. Mashaallah... sujud, tunduk malu betapa baikNya Allah pada kami, dihantarNya bantuan dari yang tak kami sangka-sangka.

I remembered how 'abandoned' I felt when someone so dear to me, who might be able to help us, never drop me a liner or two ~ asking how the kids were.. they even mocked me.. 'bala sebab ikut cakap laki, buat mama abah sendiri sedih...'.. Subhanallah.. if anyone has that thought in mind, the thought of a wife with good degree and good job and quitting her job out of her hubby's request... and so she did quit for fulfilling what was bestow upon for Allah ask a wife to obey her husband... lillahi, for I was doing it for Allah ... and if anyone thought that me quitting my 5-figure salary was a 'bala', please seek repentance, and make tawba. 

...

Honestly, I wasn't intended to divert the story about me me me in this post... I was supposed to talk about Aimar and how proud I am with him, Alhamdulillah.. 

But, I can't still move on from the content of Aimar's essay and I can't still believe that how people could give something that was no used for themselves to Aivey, just because... as if we couldn't afford it now. Not that I wasn't thankful ~ but I was just asking them, where were you when we need you?

...

Ok, jauh tersasar..

Mohon doa agar Aimar dapat menang, tak dpt first place pun, at least top 3 untuk Kem Daie Pena Muda bulan Ogos kat Kelantan nanti... 

Allahumma ameen.