Pay it forward

Jiwa kacau sungguh ~

Nak buat baik tu tak susah, tapi, syaitan tu sangat rajin berkerja walaupun hasutannya sangat lemah, nafsu itu sangat besar rajanya dek sebab iman yang lemah... 

Allahu musta'an.

Bantu aku, Ya Allah. 

...

Tadi, terniat nak wasap AbgYie nak tanya pasak UM enrollment. 

Alhamdulillah, at least, Aidan secured a place in PASUM. Sebab result interview tak dapat lagi, so, we are going for UM for now ~ whichever is best for him, Allah knows, so, help him, Ya Allah. 

Aisyah anak AbgYie pun dapat asasi UM gak, so, I wanted to text AbgYie to ask about the fees and all sorts of other arrangement. 

Memang jarang chat / wasap AbgYie personal... selalu komen dalam group family je. So, masa bukak window nak wasap dia personal, I read the last message I wrote to him. THe last two messages was on October 2019, and early 2020.

Masa tu, abang dah masuk tahun ke4 tak kerja. It was not something that I like to keep on remembering ~ as much as cancer was horrifying, that phase was heartbreaking. 

...

First of all, I, personally, do not have anybody. 

Subhanallah.. that was when I 'discovered' Allah ~ how close He was to His 'abd, how true He was when He said everyone will have their own provisions, not to worry about the kids, how low I was for not looking for Him when I was younger. 

My 'close-knit' family left me ~ not just that they 'abandon' me, they even 'mocked' me.. 

Tasha tulis status, 'patut mati masa cancer hari tu'

Abang Chik tulis message. yang dikongsi di whatsapp status, 'meh sini bawak batang pokok, letak atas perut diorang laki bini, biar aku pijak sampai mampus'

Ika maki mencarut kat aku, menghina anak-anakku, katanya, anak-anak jadi gila sebab mak bapak gila. 

Allahu akbar, they were not old, but they were not young at that time. 

These kids who I loved so much, said so many bad things about me. 

Honestly, I still don't know how should I react, even until today. 

And in 2019 ~ walaupun kami tak meminta, we literally have 'nothing'. Ada rezeki, adalah. Surprisingly, datang orang ntah sapa2 yang dok bagi tak putus masuk duit dalam bank ~ yang pastinya bukan mereka yang bergaji  belas ribu, puluh ribu yang kerja mewah di bangunan berkembar terkenal di dunia. Yang datang hulur bantuan, sahabat yang tak pernah aku tegur sapa masa di Maktab, yang bisnes dia merundum  sebab takde project masa Covid... Yang datang hulur bantuan, sahabat yang struggle nak bayar yuran sekolah anak, jenuh kerja sampai malam penuhkan shift sebab nak dapat elaun. Yang datang hulur bantuan, adik-beradik suamiku, yang tak pernah berkira, sampai penuh bank account nak pastikan cukup belanja makan minum pakai anak-anak sedara mereka. 

Tak, aku tak harap rezeki sesapa, hatta, keturanan darah daging aku. 

Tapi, hari ni, aku baca mesej wasap waktu kami diuji, wasap aku berterima kasih sebab dapat langsaikan yuran Aimar di sekolahnya, wasap aku terhutang budi sebab dapat duit nak belanjan makan anak-anak makan nandos yang lama diorang idamkan. 

Aku nak ingatkan anak-anakku yang membaca, it wasn't as easy ~ but do remember, rezeki Allah tak pernah putus dan Allah lah tempat kamu bergantung. cari rezeki lebih, sebab jadi tanggungjawab kamu, cari orang susah dan bantulah. 

Au kata, "pay it forward"

To those who have helped me and my family when we were in dire need, please get into the Jannah before I do for you guys much deserving than me. 

To those who mocked us, thank you.