Part 3 - Birthday Aivey

Aivey turned 8 on September 14th.
'Traditionally', as much as I (mama) wished Aivey would be able to have big birthdays every year, aboh is sticking to his rules 'celebrate besar-besaran sekali je dalam hidup, when you turn 8.'

Aidan had his 8th bday at the lavish Sports Planet Ampang, a day before my chemotherapy started. It was all fun and big bday celebration with his classmates from St John and the neigbours and families and friends.

Aimar had his 8th bday at the laser tag in Wangsa Walk. He had his friends and the families joined in. It was memorable and definitely fun!

On Aivey's turning had, I was a bit 'worried'.
I was worried if she wishes on something that we couldn't fulfil and I felt a bit of betrayal from our side.
I asked her what and how she wanted for her birthday.
'I want to play roller skates with my friends.'
and I knew there's a place in Avenue K that she could have that materialized.
Next, I was worried about the invitees..how many are we expecting? and how can i invite if i were to limit the numbers?
'How many can I invite, mama?' she asked.
"I don't know, I'm still looking for a suitable place and I can only tell you the numbers once I know how much the cost would be."
'It's ok, I just need SM and Hanan.. they are my buddies.' and for a girl who was sooo looking forward for her big bday celebration, 2 bffs was enough, and I felt .... mmmm.. I just don't know how to describe it!

It took months. But at the end, I decided to just text Hanan's and SM's mom to book the date. Venue, unknown. It was two weeks before the birthday that I got a phone call from SUperpark saying they are offering me a 20% off for the bday celebration if I wish to have it at their place.

Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki Aivey.

I told her and she was so dilated. And she told me rightaway, "mama, boleh tak kalau saya nak ajak kawan lain lagi?"
I went silent. Risau pun ada, berapa banyak lagi kawan she had in mind.
'depends! berapa ramai lagi Aivey nak ajak?'
"saya nak ajak Aysha. boleh tak?"
'lagi?'
"Aysha je. No need so many, I know it's expensive to get there."

Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki mama, Allah mudahkan dapat anak umur 8 tahun yang tak banyak hal.

On the other hand, I was reminded of how baik Allah has been with me.
Allah bagi anak-anak yang memang tak pandai nak throw tantrums...
I remember Aidan and how memahami he could be when mama said no on things that he wanted.
He just obliged and shut the idea.
That was it.
I did not have to explain further.
Bila dia dah 2 1/2 thn, he learned to 'negotiate'.. nak toys tak dapat, but he asked me to bring to the toy shop, nak 'window shopping' je.
I would allow him to stroll down the aisle.
Bila ada satu toy yang nampak dia mcam minat, I would asked him and told him he would get it when he behaved. I would come again bila cukup bulan and bought it for his patience.
The same goes to Aimar and Aivey.
It wasn't easy for Aimar and Aivey sebab tu ada kekawan and cousin-cousin yang could just get anything when they asked their parents.
Aimar pernah tanya, kenapa diorang senang nak dapat tapi Aimar tak dapat?
Aivey pernah tanya, kenapa I cannot buy toysrus and just get the toy from JM je?
Sebab mama aboh is your parents, fullstop :)

Ok, back to Aivey's bday.
I ageed to add Aysha in the list dengan syarat they have to be very discreet. I told Aivey, kalau kawan-kawan lain tahu, mesti diorang berasa hati..but you should understand our situation sekarang.
And she said 'it's ok mama, I understand and we will keep it as a big secret.'
Terharu mama dengan her determination.

I remember asking her if she would want to have any birthdays kat sekolah. She said no need, that would cost money. But I told her it won't be expensive if you don't mind not to have any specific theme.. I can just get a cheap cuppies.
'That would be great! Sure semua orang happy!'
She wanted a ana solehah theme... but i told her we keep that for future and she was ok.

We had small birthday kat Superpark, Avenue K.
I told her she can invite one more friend if she wanted to. She invited our neighbour daughter. It was so thoughtful of her.
The girls love the time spent there.
There were only SM and her brothers, Hanan and her brother, Aysha and her brother (and mom, lovely!), Qaisara and her brother, Zara, Airil and us. Cukup! Alhamdulillah!!
It was fun fun fun!!!

Aivey, when you read this, I need to tell you one thing, thank you sayang.. you have always been easy with us and always as pleasing as we could always ask for.

Jaga diri sayang.
Girls are not easy, so be difficult the way Islam ask us to.
Mama doa Aivey besar jadi anak dan isteri solehah, the way you are meant to be!
Amiiiiinnn...

Part 2 - Citer semalam di kenduri kahwin Nana

Aidan,
You weren't there last night.
It was just us, minus you plus nenek.
I have so many to tell about the wedding,
let's see if I could put each feelings into words, correctly, truthfully, calmly and politely.
...

You might not know who is 'nana' unless the only 'nana' we used to know - the so-called 'mama nana'.
Nope, I don't know what happened to that 'mama nana'.
I used to remember how dearly I loved her.
I was so proud of her.
and I wished I could inspire her in a positive way.
Of course, that was then!'
I remember how small she was.
I was already in the UK when she was born if I wasn't mistaken.
That was why I could spend more time with her during my summer holidays.
I would put her on my chest, and slept with her in front of the fan.
Having that small body on mine was so calming.
For as long as I remembered, she grew up fine, turned up to be someone I'm proud of.
Only when she decided to text me, to mock me, to warn me and to make me feel i was never part of them and never part of her and i should go and die.

I don't want to talk about her,
I don't want to talk about them,
but yesterday was all about them and me.
...

The wedding was nana, anak pak ngah's wedding.
Pak Ngah tu, adik nenek yang no 2.
Dia memang lama kena buang keluarga dan membuang kan diri dia..
and I don't feel to talk about him.
Just that, sebab dia lama bawak diri, anak-anak dia Nana, Kimi & Izzati tak begitu rapat dan mesra as compared to me and others.

Semalam wedding Nana, Auntie Nana for you and adik-beradik!
...

Mama always wanted to contribute when it comes to cousins' wedding.
Be it in terms of money or tenaga or anything.
The last cousin's wedding was horrible.
The glitch was bad.
It was Tasha's wedding.
Mama thought I've been 'creative' enough, to take up all initiative, belajar online nak buat bunga stokin, pergilah ke semua house tu dok beli stokin navy biru nak ikut tema.
Masa tu, aboh dah tak kerja dah.
Tapi, aboh tak pernah bising nak perabis duit nak bagi Mama Tasha hadiah bunga telur.
But then, to the last minute, Sanizah dan Yazreen cakap bunga telur tu tak cantik, tak kellas.
Diorang nak beli lain.
Yang mahal, yang lagi layak nak bagi to represent them.
Mama kecik hati.
If only they knew the afford I put on that bunga telur!
Tasha's wedding was bad.
For me, it was!
Mama pergi akad nikah dia and I was like strangers, makan dekat meja ntah sesapa ntah.
Mama pergi dengan aboh to her wedding lepas tu, the day, if you could remember, Yazreen jerit dan marah Aidan sebab tolak kerusi (arwah) tok nek padahal tok nek seronok masa tu.
The day yang Yazreen rasa dia bagus dan ada hak nak jerit kat anak orang walaupun mak bapak Aidan ada kat situ, nak tunjuk yang kitorang tak tahu nak ajar anak dan biar dia yang ajar anak kitorang.

Demn!

I had reminding it myself!

and I'm not going to continue citer mereka.
there's always two sides of a story - I wish I knew theirs, just as much as I tried to understand.
I tried texting Yazreen, which turned out she blocked my number and my FB and all.. She didn't want to have anything connected and related with me.
Dia lupa asal usul kita!
I tried asking Sanizah to be the mediator, which my SMS was left unresponded and unreplied, and I so I should get the sign.
I tried texting Zafifi, and he himself decided not to respond to my message.

Those didn't happened in a blink of eyes.
It has been 3 years and more.
They might hate me for writing this out.
But I guess, I need them to know, if they ever care, the damaged has been done and as much I know, I've did my part.
Allah warning big time bab putus silaturrahim ni.
Nabi SAW dok tarbiah tak habis pasal silaturrahim.
I don't want to be stop for not being able to enter Jannah for I was the one yang memutuskan.
I want to be in Jannah.
I want to be with Nabi SAW.
And so, as much as I hate it when I texted Sanizah & Zafifi, I knew I wasn't doing it for them, neither for me... Lillahitaala, I did it for Allah. I asked Allah for guidance, I asked Allah for easiness.
Alhamdullullah, as much as I wish they both replied to me, or even Yazreen contacted me, and neither one of them did, I knew, I've got my test questions an answer, Insyaalah, the answer that as a muslim should give to ensure Jahanam is not her place, not once, not at all.

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Neraka itu azab siksa!
Mama pernah dengan ada ustaz cakap..jangan kata panas api dia, asap bahang dia yang jauh tak tersangka pun kita tak mampu nak tanggung!
Macam mana kalau kita kena humban dalam dia?
Minum air panas, makan makanan berduri, hanyir-danir, busuk bangkai, di carik-carik, di sula dan sebagainya.
Nauzubillah
...

Masa Nana jemput for her wedding on the 19th Oct, I knew that I had to get her something for the wedding. I could just come for the kenduri, masuk cash RM50 dalam sampul and pass to her. But, I guess, I won't be fair for doing so. I crafted a bunga cokelat ferrero rocher.. Dapatlah 48pcs. Okaylah..kalau dia gi tempah kat luar bunga cokelat tu, boleh harga dalam RM7 to RM10 per pc! Alhamdulillah, somehow, rezeki ilmu Allah bagi, cukup dengan tengok Youtube and ilham pepandai sendiri. It was good, all praise to Allah.

I passed the bunga telur to her on Friday night.

I felt a bit guilty to her.

Masa pass bunga telur tu, I passed dekat homestay yang dia sewa, purposely for the wedding. It was only her and her mom, while her youngest adik, Izzati was out to grab some food for dinner.
It was 10pm.
Kalau wedding mama punya cousin sebelum-sebelum ni, the night before the wedding memang tak menang tangan nak tidur... macam-macam nak buat.
As for her, it was the simplest I've witnessed but it was a shame bila ada ramai yang claim sedara and her cousin but none visited her that night.

The morning after, dia akad nikah. I told her the night before that I couldn't attend the akad nikah.
Aimar Aivey ada sports'carnival kat sports planet.
Aivey main tenning, 2 game kalah 2 game menang.
Aimar main hockey, though he scored for his team, tapi diorang kalah all 3 games.

Petang tu, nenek telefon, suruh amik dia kalau nak gi wedding Nana... Atuk tak nak pergi sebab tak dapat official invitation dari Pak Ngah. Yang Pak Ngah pun satu hal, dah kenal sangat atuk and his protocol, masih nak main selit-selit je kad jemputan, tak datang ngadap one-to-one.. Bolayan lah jawabnya.

And so, malam tu, lepas maghrib we went for the wedding.
Orang tak ramai lagi masa tu. It was great to see how happy nenek was to meet all her sedara.
Only after Isya', people start rushing in.
That was when Pak Itam came with Mak Itam. Mak Itam tegur mama, 'lamanyer tak nampak ain. hilang senyap je.'
"Ain kena halau Mak Itam! Pergi! Pergi! Pergi dari rumah aku!Itu yang Mamiton cakap malam tu."..
Of course I didn't said that to Mak Itam, as much as I wish.
I couldn't help myself to stop repeating her last word, ordering me to leave the house, rumah yang mama dibesarkan dari kecik... rumah nenek ajar mama solat.. rumah mama makan sedap-sedap semua lauk mamiton... rumah kg baru. rumah yang sampai hari ni, mama tekad takkan jejak sebab mama kena halau dari rumah tu.
Sebab apa?
Sebab Sanizah cakap sebelum tu kat Aidan dan Aimar, jangan jadi kurang ajar mcm mak bapak ko. Dan sebab mama pergi nak jumpa Sanizah nak tanya kenapa cakap macam tu dekat Aidan Aimar.
Dan sebab Sanizah yang konon berani dan hebat tu tutup pintu bilik tak nak dengar mama nak tanya elok-elok.
Dan sebab mama bercakap dengan Mum kenapa Sanizah cakap camtu dekat anak-anak mama.
Dan sebab Sanizah jerit maki-maki cakap buruk pasal husband mama.
Dan sebab mama jerit balik nak bagitau Sanizah salah.
Dan sebab tu, semua orang, Uncle Bird, Mamiton, dan even Abah Mama malam tu marah kat mama, sebab mama bertegas sorang-sorang!

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Quran ada cakap, stay true!
Kalau kita betul, benar, kita jangan jadi lalang semata-mata ramai nampak kita salah.
Ada 73 jalan, yang betul hanya 1 jalan!
Moga jalan yang 1 itulah jalan yang kita guna dan tuju sekarang ini.

Back to Nana's wedding...
Mama tengok ramai cousin-cousin dia ada masa dia akad nikah.
Masa wedding pun, ramai gak lah.
Cuma mama teringat the night before, dekat homestay dia sewa and there was only her and her mother.
Mama rasa guilty for not staying long, but Aivey was having fever that night and I couldn't stay.

Masa kat wedding, mama nampak semua datang. Aunti Norijah ada satu meja dengan mama.
Selalunya, diorang ni rapat dan akan datang salam tangan.
Tapi, malam tu, lepas Pak Itam Mak Itam, ada Mum, Miton dan semua-semua ekor-ekor. Mama salam Mum, Mama salam Miton. 
Mama takleh nak kata apa-apa and mama yang banyak cakap ni left speechless, literally.
Mama malu gak. But I guess, I did my best.
Mama respect them as orang tua and I didn't ignore them.
Mama nak terkilan bila ada orang yang muda-muda tak mai salam tanya khabar kat mama?
No lah! Alhamdulillah... Mama baca ayat 9 Yassin bebanyak nak nampak invisible and I guess that ayat works :)
Uncle Bird & Auntie sampai and salam pun, mama takleh nak cakap banyak.

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Selama-selama mama hidup, I have never ran out of words... No doubt!
Semalam, I was left unspoken and it hurts!
...

Ok, dah azan zohor and a sign for me to stop.
Of course I have more to write.. but I guess that azan is enough to tell me, dah lah..
berlapang dadalah!

though mama and aboh  still figuring out what and how belapang dada is!

Part 1 - A disclaimer, maybe

Dulu, masa mula-mula start blog ni, memang tak heran mende2 pun.. gambar nak add lah, font tebal tak tebal lah, isi ke laut sokmo...

Lepas tu start jadi extra conscious.. 

Perasan ala-ala writer pro... 

End up, makin kurang, makin kurang nak menulis dan pos anything in here. 

I guess, I need to back to square one. 

...

I've started an official blog writing, guna wordpress.. 

And I realized, mcm tak jauh beza lah yang official dengan yang ini.

And so, i started to realize, nope, this is for my anak-anak reading pleasure... 

I shouldn't make it sound official at all.

And so here I am. 

...

I missed the stories about Aivey and her 8th. 

And so I did I missed the stories about Aimar turned 12. 

And worst I did badly that I don't deserve anything to remind me of my 42nd bday :(

It was horrible horrible horrible me. 

I also wanted to write about Aidan kena gantung maktab. 

And not forgetting about Amar and the list his so-we-thought his friends wrote about him. 

And I guess, I need to write something about my own kind of story!

...

Alhamdulillah, I've started writing for part-time freelancing off late. 

It wasn't much, but it was a good eye opener. 

An opener for me, reminding how easily people got conned with words. 

I myself got conned by my own words. 

And therefore, for those who are reading my blog, for my dear Aidan, Aimar, Aivey, 

as you read all the post I've shared in this blogs, you might have read it differently, with a harsher or might be a kinder tone than I meant it to be. 

Just keep in my mind, 

don't trust 100% of the words you read, 

don't get overwhelmed and soak in to the world that only me could feel, 

don't shut everything on small things I've said. 

And never to forget, I meant well when I wrote what I wrote. 

An update

Lama tak menulis.
Melampau sangat... benda ini dok dalam Draft mode pun dari bulan 8.
It's October today!
Bukan sebab takde benda nak menulis.
Sebenarnya, bila lama tak menulis ni lah banyak sangat benda nak tulis.
Lepas tu, bila dah ngadap komputer ni, terus tak tahu mana nak mula, cammana nak citer, mana nak habis.
End up, pening kepala, terus stop.

...
I have been actively doing some freelance writing these days.
Alhamdulillah.

Started with a friendly neighbour who was asking for favours and willing to pay and the rest was history.

Alhamdulillah...don't ask about payment or what i get.
I wanted to write i got this much at the early stage and now earning this much today ... but then, I realized the sentences I've constructed didn't seems right!
I wanted to to write, 'though it wasn't much'... which to me, is sooo not right.
It is subjective.
For real.
Judging to the rezeki that Allah SWT has given upon me, particularly, I shouldn't and never deserve to use the word 'though' because it is more and more than 'though'.
Mashaallah.
Subhanallah.
Alhamdulillah.

To those of you who is reading this post know what my current situation is.
Or maybe not.
And if not, let's say, 'kami diuji, Alhamdulillah'.
What sort of ujian?
...
It's 4th October 2019.
Aimar 12 tahun hari ini.
Banyak sangat dia lalui for his age.

I should write a post, just dedicating it to him.
And of course, need to write about Aivey's 8 too...

Aiyyoooo mama! why? why? why?