It's Mother's Day

I don’t think I qualify to celebrate today’s mother day.As I browsed in my phone gallery, I saw photos of many mothers and I am nothing equal to them.

I have friends who are struggling being single mothers as long as they could remember, and also a dear friend who is ‘forced’ to get the single-mom titled and am sure she is still struggling deep within her heart despite the big grins and smiles.

I have friends who were still waiting to be a mom after decades of trying to get one and also friends who were blessed with beautiful babies after 5,8,12 and even more years of marriage.

Alhamdulillah, we were on way for our delayed honeymoon i.e. after four months of wedding that we found out we would be a parent in next 8months.

I have friends who are juggling being working moms and doing-house-chores moms and they really did their best to fulfill every minutes of the times with their children.

Alhamdulillah, I am a stay-at-home human who doesn’t do much house work, in fact, I would failed miserably if i were to be graded on that department.

I have friends who are juggling being a stay-at-home moms trying to brew soup for appertisers, bake cake for dessert and don’t let me start with the main course! and ensuring laundry are all done, homework are ticked, and all good.

Alhamdulillah, I beg to differ for I suck… and shout out to my dear hubby who accepted me for who I am.. pasrah je lah

I have friends who are putting all their strengths to be patience with cheating spouse and issues with children..

Alhamdulillah, I make du’a for Allah to make it easy for all of us and to never stop managing our lives for we alone won’t able to manage ourselves with His help.

I have friends who lost their moms and missed their moms dearly, and that doesn’t exclude my dear hubby who never stop making du’a to his mom for that is what he wished for when we departed this world, for our children to never stop making dua seeking forgiveness for us.

Alhamdulillah, I still have a mom who would ring me up in the morning, asking me, “ko tak nak minum kopi ke?” which made me obligated to fulfill her ‘indirect’ request.

I am not a good mom. Not as sabr as my mom, neither as caring as my mom-in-law (may Allah forgives her and keep her among the pious ,ameen).

I am not a strong mom. I cry, whine, get mad, nag, lazy and all those ‘tantrums’ that Abang and anak3 had to put up and live with.

I am no sane like most moms would be and should be. I always have this fear of my sons calling me out of blue for I belief no-news is good news. I fear my daughter will end up with wrong kind of friends and buddies.. huhuhu I fear everything when it comes to my kids for I know I’m not a good mom.

As I reflected on today mother’s day, and wrote a long note about it, I knew, despite me thinking that I am not the best inspiration to my elder child, not the favourite to my second child and not the perfect example for my last child, Allah has blessed me with them and dear hubby to keep on reminding me I am nobody without them. Alhamdulillah.

To all moms out there, who constantly worried about your children, who never stop being defensive for your children, who always blame yourself for not giving the best to your children.. just for one day, stop being injustice to yourself.

Like Ust Mizi would say, let go and let God.

Like Aishah RA said when she was slandered, فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌۖ وَٱللَّهُ ٱلْمُسْتَعَانُ, so patience is most fitting and Allah is the one sought for help [QS12:18]

Remember when Prophet Zakaria AS was making du’a, رَبِّ إِنِّى وَهَنَ ٱلْعَظْمُ مِنِّى وَٱشْتَعَلَ ٱلرَّأْسُ شَيْبًا وَلَمْ أَكُنۢ بِدُعَآئِكَ رَبِّ شَقِيًّا, "My Lord, indeed my bones have weakened, and my head has filled with white, and never have I been in my supplication to You, my Lord, unhappy [QS 19:4]

Mommies, never stop making du’a, to yourself and your children.

Always remember, how you treat your parents would reflect how your children with treat theirs ~ sabar and syukur.

Alhamdulillah

Me before you

 A friend lost her husband few weeks before Ramadan.

It’s heartbreaking!

I’ve been giving it a thought.. and I make lots of du’a.

O Allah, if one of us is going to meet you when our times comes, please make me be the one who precedes him for I’m not sure how will my life be if he was to go first.

Wallahu’alam 

I know Allah will be there for anything that He decrees upon us.

And I believe all has been decreed upon.

Yet, it just hurts me when people tends to forget that he is part of my life.

He has always been there for me.

When people abandoned me, he stood up for me, held me up and despite people hate him for being strong, I knew he’s priority is none others (not even himself) but me.

How could one meant well, yet, ignoring the fact that he is not part of our family? 

How could one meant peace, yet, being rude for denying him as the one who is responsible for us when Allah ask?

The algorithm is not difficult. 

It’s ‘ilm.

Alhamdulillah 

Making peace with Qadrallah

 K Intan shared a clip of this lady (called herself ‘Mashi’ if I’m not mistaken), and I was crying bucket of the 8 mins clip.

Mashallah. She was tested. She had an accident, and her face, head skulls and all are severely injured which at time she share the video, although she looked fine and all smiling, she told the netizen that she is in complete blindness and her newly ‘build’ nose are still not functioning so she couldn’t smell.

And that’s it.

I have to stop grumbling and start counting my blessings.

Yes, my ears been buzzing 24-7, and at times I could hardly communicate with people because of the environment externally and internally.

But I can still hear, can’t I?

Yes, my fatigueness is not going anywhere and I could hardly breathe just after going up and down the stairs in one shot. 

But I am still breathing, don’t I?

Yes, my throat dried up and to some extent Incould just choke myself over nothing.

But, it’s because of the dryness that wakes me up every early morning to talk to Him, right?

Alhamdulillah 

Alhamdulillah 

Alhamdulillah 

Redha and sabr.

Something that everyone can talk about.

Honestly, we should stop lying to ourselves.

Stop telling that I know I have to be patience, yet my patience has its limits.

Stop telling that I know I can’t do anything and I just have to take it as it is, yet I just can’t stop dwelling over the past again and again.

Stop telling that I know truth will prevails, yet I still need to talk to them for they should know the truth. 

Yup, I should stop being the great listener of shaytan’s wishper and my evil desires and I should start reminding myself ~ be grateful!

Start counting the blessings and make it up.

Allahu musta’an 

Forgive and let be

I learned something beautiful from the story of Prophet Yusuf a.s. 

In the Quran, Allah stated what he a.s. said to his brothers, in surah Yusuh verse 92:

قَالَ لَا تَثۡرِيبَ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡيَوۡمَۖ يَغۡفِرُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۖ وَهُوَ أَرۡحَمُ ٱلرَّٰحِمِينَ

He said, “There is no blame on you today. May Allah forgive you, for He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy. [QS 12:92]

Subhanallah. I found so many things in these power verse. 

I cry, I smile, I laugh, I fear and I hope. I just so in love with this ayah, MashaAllah. 

...

I 'discovered' this ayat way before Ramadan. That was when I decided that I need to make amends, seek forgiveness to everyone. 

After nearly six years, I have lost hope, I was vengeful and mad, I was sad and depressed and all those ill-feelings stayed with me, on and off, many so often longer than I've expected. 

I knew I'm in the right. 

I wanted to be right. 

I need to be right. 

I longed for the other party to tell me that I was and am right. 

Only to realize, we can never owned people's heart ~ for we can't even owned our own heart!!

That was when I started making du'a, 

اللهُمَّ يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ وَعَلى طَاعَتِكَ

O Allah, turner of the hearts (Allah, the Most High), keep our hearts firm on your religion.

My hubby thought me the du'a,

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ والْحُـزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.

Of course, it doesn't take overnight to stay firm and stay away from those ill-feelings.

Alhamdulillah... Allah knows best. When the right time comes, it come, perfectly! Alhamdulillah.

...

So, I've been asking Allah, please show me the right path. 

Please let me tell them that I am right, that I am not the villain and they should stop playing victim. 

But it was after I read the book, 'when the stars prostrates'.. I found the answer. 

Allah did show me the path. 

Alhamdulillah. 

When the brothers of Prophet Yusuf a.s. realized that the emir they were confronted to was the young brother of theirs who they abandoned with intent to put them astray, for he was not one of their 'clan'... they knew they have made mistakes. 

Prophet Yusuf a.s. had to undergo trials after trials ~ being thrown, being sold, being put in a foreign land, being lured, being paraded, being imprisoned, being forgotten yet he was then being raised in rank ~ not by those who know and closed to him, not by his clan, but by the authority who he never knew and not even related to him. Subhanallah... just because his 'clan' hate him and wanted to remove him. 

Yet, when his 'clan' came, asking for help from him, the little boy of their own blood, whom they deserted in a well and lied to their father ~ what did he do? He helped him, and he did more than that!..

لَا تَثۡرِيبَ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡيَوۡمَۖ

There is no blame upon you today. 

Mashaallah.... after all those trials, he could said that, where does it put me??????

Astaghfirullah..forgive me ya Allah, forgive me for being ignorant. 

For indeed, I am your 'abd. And I am not entitled to penalised anyone for I didn't know them and they didn't know, truthfully. Only you know, Ya Allah. 

Yup, I was asking for answer on why they did what they did. I was asking for affirmation that they knew I was in the right. I was waiting for their true apologizes that never come. I was praying for things would get better, or the least not as awkward as it is. 

I didn't know if Prophet Yusuf a.s. felt the same ~ but for sure, him not blaming his brothers are not for the benefit of them, but his! The peace in his heart and mind reached to the max for he has other thing to worry about that is more important (to be united with his brother and his beloved parents). 

I know that to forgive doesn't require one to forget what had happened. And even in the Quran, Allah says (as a reminder to Abu Bakr r.a. when he was hurt by the person who bad-mouthed his own daughter, the beloved wife of Rasulullah SAW):

أَلَا تُحِبُّونَ أَن يَغۡفِرَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورٞ رَّحِيمٌ

Do you not like to be forgiven by Allah? For Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [QS 24:22]

Who would be stupid and crazy enough not to like to be forgiven by Allah?? So, when I was trying to 'digest' and 'swallow' my pride and forgive them, I still have bitterness in my heart for my evil whisper told me ~ if I forgive them, or seek forgiveness, I would affirm their belief that they are right and I am wrong, which I am not!

It's not easy!!

But, as I came across the ayah in this surah Yusuf, I realized that it's not the matter of who is right and who is wrong.. It's not the matter of who should apologize and who should forgive.. It's not the matter of getting back to 'normal' and forget everything.. 

يَغۡفِرُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۖ وَهُوَ أَرۡحَمُ ٱلرَّٰحِمِينَ

May Allah forgive you, for He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy. 

We are His 'abd. Why are we meddling with His job? It's not our job to judge, to blame, to understand. We belief that He is the Most Just... every wrong will be informed and revealed. If it's not now, it would be later, in the Hereafter. 

Every act will be evaluated. 

Even if we have been forgiven by those who were rightful, or even if we have forgive those who did unjust to us ~ Allah will reveals everything on That Day. 

Yup, may Allah forgive them for He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy. 

As for me, I just need my peace. 

Alhamduillah ~ that's how I found my strength and asked forgiveness to all my aunts during before Ramadan and texted her even she didn't replied. As for those who I have right upon, I make du'a that Allah makes it easy for them, so that Allah will make it easy for me when I had to justify to those who have rights upon me. May Allah forgives us all, Allahumma Ameen.