Let the pictures speak ~ Alhamdulilah

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Solat jangan tinggal!

Something that we need to hold on by:

إِنَّ ٱلۡحَسَنَٰتِ يُذۡهِبۡنَ ٱلسَّيِّـَٔاتِۚ

 Indeed, good deeds wipe out evil deeds [Hud 11:114]

Nak buat baik tu, boleh jadi senang, boleh jadi susah - ikut 'keadaan'... asal keadaan tu, datang dari niat.. niat buat baik sebab _________________ (fill in the blanks)


Nak mula buat baik; jaga solat. Mulakan dengan yang fardhu

- setel siapkan solat lima waktu

- try solat awal waktu

- cuba lak nak solat jemaah subuh, isya kat masjid / surau

- try jemaah lima waktu 

- standby wudhu' semua sebelum masuk waktu.. 

- top up solat sunat

- start ngan witr

dan seterusnya, dan seterusnya. 

...

I failed to jaga my solat when I was younger. 

Honestly, I still have faith in Allah's mercy than me regretting what I did / or did not and  what I should have done! 

Yet, I do envy those yang solatnya berjaga dari awal mula baligh hinggalah habis hayatnya. 

Untungnya manusia itu. 

I have one fear - and I pray Allah makes it easy for me. 

Fear of limited movement sebab fizikal tak kuat.. nak sujud nak ruku' tak boleh.. 

Ya Allah, allow me to sujud and ruku' like 'normal' healthy people till my last breath, Ya Allah. 

I was touched, and even shed tears when Aidan told me, "Ma, Aidan rasa tak best je.. Aidan selalu tertidur , ingat nak kejap lima minit je... tapi, terlepas waktu solat, nyenyak tido."

Of course I told him to be more affirm when it comes to solat - lawan ngantuk, jangan tido, sebab itu yang syaitan nak, dan itu yang nafsu kita mintak. 

On the other hand, I was touched when he has that guilty feelings, sebab mama dulu, masa tinggal solat, tak rasa pun bersalah... Astaghfirullah.

Ya Allah, jadikan anak-anak kami istiqomah solat awal waktu,  solat tak tinggal dan permudahkan untuk anak-anak lelaki kami Aidan AImar untuk solat jemaah subuh dan isya' di surau / masjid. Amiin Ya Allah. 

Ya Allah, terimalah segala amalan kami, Ya Allah. 

Ampunkan kami, Ya Allah

Masih rindu

 Dik, kalau kau nak tahu, dalam sebulan, tak pernah akak tak nangis sebab rindu.

Akak rindu, dik.

…

Di tengah kepekatan malam
Berdiri aku di halaman rindu
Dihembus kenangan lalu

Menjelmalah seraut wajah
Sekuntum bunga yang pernah kupuja
Tapi layu akhirnya

Ingin kutembus tembok silam
Dan membaiki kesilapan kita
Yang tiada kita rasa

Dahulu maaf tak bererti
Darah muda menguasai diri
Begitu mudah membenci

'Ku di halaman rindu
Hanya berteman bunga yang layu
'Ku di halaman rindu

Tiada harum, tiada madu
Oh, kesalku membeku di kalbu

'Ku di halaman rindu
Hanya berteman bunga yang layu
'Ku di halaman rindu
Tiada harum, tiada madu

'Ku di halaman rindu
Hanya berteman bunga yang layu
'Ku di halaman rindu
Tiada harum, tiada madu

Oh, kesalku membeku di kalbu
Oh, sayangku penawar rinduku
Oh, kasihku hanyalah untukmu
Oh, sayangku penawar rinduku

7 years ago

 The memories from Facebook should be a happy one! Something that when we came upon it, 7 years after, it can leaves a smile in our face, not tears! This is just not fair!!!

And so, I am hoping, when my kids read this blog of mine, please don't cry. Please smile. Please smile because mama is crying today ~ and do smile because I am crying not because of you lots, Alhamdulillah... As a matter of fact, thinking of three of you are of those that makes me smile. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for such a beautiful gift to this sinner. 

...

I stumbled upon 7 years ago memories on my own postings in Facebook. 

The memory that I've captured when we had a 'mini concert' just because Iris couldn't join her school's graduation day as she was sick. She was sick because she ate the cat food that to her it looked like a coco crunch and she had to be admitted ~ she was six back then. She was in Bintulu. She had been practicing day in and day out for her performance in school that year. But Allah has a better plan. 

Wallahi, I love her. I love her just like I love Aivey. They were so attached and closed back then. And they seems like strangers now. I am taking the blame. I am sorry, girls. 

Back to the 'mini concert'.. because Iris missed the concert, I decided to pull one for her. And so, we did it. I got Iesya, Ika and Nana to train the kiddies, Iris, Aivey, Mel, Yaya, Etty, Aqish, Sheera, and Eleen to practice a routine... Ikan kekek, if I wasn't mistaken. We had fashion show. We had Me singing. We had quizzes. O, we had speeches from Atok. and we had lots of gifts. We did the mini stage at the Kg Baru stall. We decorated. We made goodies. and of course, we had food. Definitely one great memories. 

I've been missing those ~ the closeness, the food, the insanity, the fun. 

I just missed it all. 

Everything goes haywire today. 

And that day won't be able to be repeated. 

I just miss 'Kg Baru'

My Name is Abigail

 Mama simpan sini essay Aimar tulis untuk submission for ALS ke ELS... mama pun tak ingat dah. Dia mintak mama proofread, and I'd say.. wow.. what has he been reading? 

Tak tahu nak comment.. hahaha

Alhamdulillah, barakallahu feek.

...

BWAAAHHH. The wailings of a newborn fills the delivery room that was before filled with painful screeching. Alisa Hall Green just successfully gave birth to her first child. The blood-covered baby was wrapped with a blanket before the doctor handed him to his mother.

"He's so precious , I'm going to name him Abigail Francis Green" announced Alisa while holding her 3.4kg baby in her arms with little energy to spare. And that is my name, Abigail Green.

I was raised in a small town called Hassletown. I grew up without a father since he  left us before I was even born. In spite of that, my mother spoiled me well. Providing me delicious meals, every latest Dork Diaries collection, and wardrobes of branded clothes. 

Growing up, making friends was such a struggle for me. One of the reasons is because I disliked most things boys my age were obsessed with. They would play with action figures and I would play with dolls, they would play football and I would stay inside and read my novels. It was as if I was the other side of the coin.

When I started school, I was left out from a lot of things since I was socially awkward. On the first day when I introduced myself, everyone laughed. "Abigail was a girl's name" they squealed. Not just that they also shamed me for looking horrid and fat. I got bullied and beaten up often. They also teased me by calling me names like "Abigirl", "Fat Francis", and "Abigail the troll". They harassed me everyday.

I got ashamed of my name. I would fake my name when any stranger asked. I  told them I was Max.

After such suffering in elementary school, I survived and proceeded life normally. It did affect me mentally but I got through it. 

Middle school started and I felt good. It felt like I was starting a new chapter in my life. But the feeling didn't last long. I was placed in the same class with the big bully, Jackson. Jackson was everyone's favourite. He was athletic and well-packaged. He was kind to everyone but me. He used to make fun of me, trash my table and even steal my food. But I couldn't do anything because I was a nobody and he was the rising star.

Whenever I entered the class, he shouted at the top of his lungs, " Hey, it's the fat loser Abigirl". Everyone burst out, laughing. That was when I had enough. I sprinted out of the class and headed straight back home. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. How to express my feelings. I was tired of being bullied. I wanted to end it all. 

I took the gun from my mother's safe. I clicked the safety clip and was ready to paint the walls red.

Only then I heard my phone buzzing . I decided to glance at it and it was my birthgiver who was calling.  "One last time" I thought to myself and answered the phone. 

"Abigail Francis Hall, love. Why are you skipping class on the first day of school?" my mom asked in the most angelic voice. I was silent. It was as if death had just left the room. 

"I'm tired mom!" I exclaimed while bawling my eyes out. I told her everything from elementary school to just now, and I just had enough. 

She hurried home, didn't say anything and just came running and hugged me. We sat there on the floor for quite a while. Just lying there. We were silent but a lot was spoken, wordlessly. 

That was when mom arranged for me to meet the therapist. I dumped everything that I had bottled for my entire life. That was when mom decided to move out from Hassletown to Las Vegas. In my new school, I was traumatised to introduce myself.

"Class, this is Abigail, our new student. Say, hi Abigail" said the teacher.

Everyone gave me a confused look. My fear was real. I went to an empty seat and the boy next to me asked "So your name is Abigail, like Abigael Spence, the famous actor?. 

That was it.  "A-B-I-G-A-I-L" I said. "Soosie, nice to meet you. I guess I'm not the only person with a girl's name now" he said with his chest up filled with pride. That moment taught me that it is something to be celebrated and embraced, not feared or ignored.

by: Muhammad Aqiel Aimar, IKEM, Sept 15th 2023

Broke down

I broke down, again. 

The fact that, whenever I broke down, I would resort to writing and posting in this blog is just simple ~ this blog is mine. 

As much as I can write it in FB, or talked to my hub or my circle of friends, the blog posting soothe me at its best. 

Kalau ikut konsep psikologi yang Ustaz Amin share dalam IKIM pasal orang mata, hati, akal, telinga ni; my strong trait would be what is in my name ~ 'ain. Indeed, orang mata ni, kalau ikut Ustaz punya study, cepat 'tangkap', tak perlu details macam orang telinga, main 'jalan' je.. dia gak cepat react dan cepat lupa. 

Hence, for me writing anything in this blog, would be somethings I can remind myself..oooo.. those were the days. 

...

Honestly, I am still disheartened from what my parents did to me. I know, I shouldn't, but I guess that's why Islam been reminding its ummah, just be kind to them, till whenever. Alhamdulillah. 

I'm a mother too. I'm a parent too. 

and my biggest fear would always be me not being fair to all three of my children. 

Allahu musta'an. 

If whenever they are reading this post of mine, do know, 

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey, 

maafkan mama kalau ada apa yang mama kata, mama buat, is making you even think, 'ee..mama ni tak adil dah, berat sebelah.. sayang anak sorang tu je!'

Do know that I know how horrible that feeling is, and I never want either one of you to feel that, be it true or not true. 

It just hurt. 

...

Just as much as seeing how horribly evil the zionist are doing to the people of Gaza today, after 40 days. 

It just helplessly hurtful and indeed, it kills part of me.

I wasn't sure, I was crying for Gaza or just protesting the act of my parents unto me. 

Somehow, it is just sad to admit, people (no matter if they are your friends or even your parents) will only appreciate you when you are rich, own a beautifully designed condo with a pool, drive a Volvo SUV and so on ~ for a girl who got married and stayed at home raising her kids, just nothing impressive to appreciate her. 

...

Ok me, sod off!

Everybody was kind to me

I just don't understand how could it possibly be. 

Everybody has been so kind to me. 

I was invited to K Liza's son's wedding and she has been so welcoming as she hugged me when she saw me the moment I step into the wedding hall. 

Fazariah's husband, a District Officer of Marang, saw me and told about it to Fazariah and she came and welcomed me so that I won't feel distance. I never spoke to neither of them, before. Teh saw me and came to me and hugged. Kak Dah (Wahidah) also came and greeted me. 

They are my husband's cousin, and we aren't that close ~ and knew each other by name. I attended the wedding, on behalf of my husband, for I knew he would want to come if he's around. Furthermore, I knew I will never be feel as welcomed as how these beautiful people treated me if it were my side of family. 

Wan & his family were in town as well, for the wedding. 

So, we spent today with them. 

We had good lunch at Serai, CT bought me the Supercube Soothe Mist and we had fun with CikDe the night before. 

Alhamdulillah. 

They are not my side of family, yet, I have them to make feel like I'm part of family. 

...

This morning, I went to Kg Baru to pick-up the cleaning ladies. 

I met Mamiton, just to say hi, but I dare not go more than her room as much I wanted to. 

I always miss the house, that house that I grow up in. 

Tonight, it just heartbroken to find out Eman & his family staying over at Yin's and all of them including mama & abah were at Yin's for dinner. 

I just had dinner with Aidan, Aimar and Aivey at Ali Maju - just happened, we decided to drop by Sri Ukay for Aimar wanted to meet nenek and atuk up before he went for hostel tomorrow morning.  We weren't invited to Yin's obviously. But when Aimar called nenek to tell her that we were in front of her house, she immediately told Aimar to come by D'Pines for Yin wanted to meet him up. 

They never wanted to make peace. 

May Allah forgive my mom & my dad for I love them and I want to be with them in Jannah. 

I love my sister and my brother too. 

But I guess, everybody was kind to me

..but them

It just tiring to feel these feeling!

She's not 'small'

Tengah semangat mama bersembang, cerita pasal Aidan masa kecik, sambil tunggu the food being served kat Bachelor's Kitchen, nenek called. 

Out of blue, she said, "Aivey tu kecik je nak masuk asrama. Takpe lah kalau dia tak masuk asrama."

Earlied petang tadi, nenek cakap kat Kedai Kopi KL, "Iris tu apa-apa pun kena masuk asrama. Kalau dia sekolah biasa ni, leceh, mak bapak dia keje, susah kalau tak masuk asrama."

I just got to know that Atuk been fetching her up from school and sent her back home. How often, wallahu'alam. It's not important for me to know. 

I told my mom, " Iris budak pandai, she can deserve to masuk asrama."

The idea me saying that is so that my mom can see, Iris have to masuk asrama because she deserves, it, not because she have to for she has a working parents who can't take care of her and have to depend on her aging grandparents. 

No doubt, Iris is a smart girl. 

...

Yet, that doesn't imply that my daughter is not smart and don't deserve to masuk asrama. 

Yup, I was hurt by that quick phone call that my mom said to me. 

Yup, I was so speechless, defensive and maybe a bit 'angry' that I cried a little. Alhamdulillah, I'm glad that I am able to put myself together and not to breakdown and say something I might have regretted. 

...

Aivey is gonna sit for her UKKM exam on this coming 28th. 

She did her PKSK test, alhamdulillah. 

And I can never be more proud than I could be for her. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I will not start with saying, she not as smart as her brothers... for she is just as much. Alhamdulillah. 

All three of them have different level of achievements in academic. 

My mom didn't see it. 

All she saw is Aidan is the brightest one, for he got into MRSM, secured straight As and maintained his dean's list, and Insyaallah secured his covertible loan to scholarship to further his studies in France to pursuit his dream in becoming an engineer. 

So, my mom can only justfied and labelled that as being smart. 

Less that she knew both Aimar and Aivey are two smart people too. 

To my mom, for Aimar is not in the mainstream as he picked to choose in the Tahfiz, his future is not as bright as his abang. Less that his grandmom knew how difficult it is to memorize 25 juz (alhamdulillah, hadza min fadhli rob) in 3 and 1/2 years. And if my mom knew, how Aidan won't be able to do what Aimar did, will my mom change her mind? Nope, I doubt it. 

As for Aivey. She didn't get all Band6 results in her exams unlike Iris. Less that my mom knew that grading of the Band is totally not the same for every school and every students. Being KMS which prioritise character and intergrity rather than on-paper educational, vs a public school who would want to raise their rank in the PPD list so that they could get the extra budget for the school. are two different things! Aivey can be as critical and analytical students as compare to many kids of her age. She is not 'small' as nenek might think. 

Yup, I'm being defensive, not because I'm a mama. Just because, I don't think its fair to judge any kids according to what is in their grade and what the public perceived. 

It just hurt, when the remarks came from you own flesh & blood. 

Bersendirian

 Kesihatan mental
…
Dalam Islam, ada 5 konsep Maqasid ash-shari’ah i.e. objektif suatu hukum shari’ah dilaksanan yakni untuk memelihara agama, diri, akal, harta dan keturunan.

Memelihara diri, hifz an-nafs, adalah sebahagian daripada ‘ilm an-nafs, yang mana Rasulullah SAW ajarkan pada para sahabat.

Pernah suatu hari ketika Rasulullah SAW  memasuki masjid dan melihat Abu Umamah RA sedang duduk di sana. Beliau bertanya: “Wahai Abu Umamah, kenapa aku melihat kau sedang duduk di dalam masjid sedangkan bukan luar waktu solat?” Abu Umamah menjawab: “Dukacita dan hutang menyelubungiku wahai Rasulullah!” Rasulullah menjawab: “Mahukah kamu aku ajarkan kepada kamu satu doa jika kamu membacanya Allah akan menghilangkan rasa dukacitamu dan melangsaikan hutangmu.” Abu Umamah menjawab: “Sudah tentu, wahai Rasulullah.” Maka Baginda bersabda: “Ucapkanlah pada tiba waktu pada pagi dan petang bacaan ini:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحَزَنِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْجُبْنِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ
Maksudnya: “Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari kedukaan dan kesedihan. Aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari sifat lemah dan malas. Aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari sifat pengecut dan bakhil. Dan aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari bebanan hutang dan penindasan manusia.”
Riwayat Abu Daud (4/353)
…
Di dalam Al-Quran, Allah SWT sendiri memilih untuk menceritakan perihal Nabi Yaakub yang berdukacita ketika kehilangan Nabi Yusuf AS 
 وَٱبۡيَضَّتۡ عَيۡنَاهُ مِنَ ٱلۡحُزۡنِ فَهُوَ كَظِيمٞ
dan putihlah dua belah matanya disebabkan ratap tangis dukacitanya kerana ia orang yang memendamkan marahnya di dalam hati. [Yusuf 12:84]

Nabi Yaakub AS menangis dan menangis selama 40 tahun, sehinggakan matanya sakit/kabur /memutih kerana terlalu merindui anaknya, Yusuf AS. Allah sendiri menceritakan, sakit mental yang dialami Nabi Yakub AS hingga menyebabkan fizikalnya (mata) terjejas.  Ini disahkan oleh pakar psikologi dimana simpton ‘somatic’ adalah suatu yang terjadi di mana apabila keadaan mental dan emosi terjejas akan menyebabkan keadaan fizikal turut menampakkan kesannya. 
40 tahun bukanlah suatu masa yang pendek. Hinggakan, anak cucu beliau sendiri sudah bosan, hingga menuduh beliau nyanyuk. Perkara ini sering terjadi apabila seseorang mendapat gangguan emosi. Bukan sahaja diri mereka, malah ahli yangbrapat dengan mereka turut terkesan.
…
Psikologi Islam mengakui konsep self-care, menjaga dan mengasingkan diri, atau nama yang sering digunapakai hari ini ialah ‘healing’. As a matter of fact, Rasulullah SAW sendiri melakukan ‘healing’ ketika Nabi SAW berkhawlah, mengasingkan diri di Gua Hira’.
Self-care in Islam is more than just self-healing and far from being selfish. 
It is a connection and bond within oneself, connecting to The Creator, and understanding oneself better, in order for he or she would be able to function fully in the community on day-to-day basis. 

Mengasingkan diri, bukan bererti sunyi dan keseorangan. Ia bukanlah sesuatu yang harus digeruni oleh setiap umat Islam. Malah, ia adalah sesuatu yang diharuskan, terutamanya apabila kita rasa amat ‘kehilangan’ sehingga terganggu mental, emosi dan perasaan.
Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Isolation is not something that most Muslim should be fear of. As a matter of fact, being alone in solitude and is something that we are encouraged to do to connect spiritually and physically to increase one's faith i.e. Iman. 

Asingkanlah diri, jika perlu. Ambil masa untuk merawat jiwa yang penat dalam lara. 
Pause and recharge.

Bila dah pulih hati terisi dengan iman dan kasih Allah, teruskanlah hidup mengejar akhirat sementara menumpang di dunia ini.
#alonebutnotlonely
#strengtheningyourfaith
#spiritualsolitude
#DrRaniaAwaad
#islamicpscychology

Bilakan bersatu?

It's heartbreaking to see what is happening in Palestine today. 

Tak tahu how to react. 

Yet, nak put my mind at ease and try to think of something else pun, was not as easy. 

...

Dan seperti biasa, cerita lain selain dapat buat aku sedih selain nasib ibu yang menangisi kehilangan anak di Palestin, tentulah cerita bila akan tiba masa aku dapat berkumpul mesra dengan adik-beradik aku, abah mama, abang, mentua dan anak-anak semua orang? 

Sampai hari ni, belum nampak jelas bayangannya. 

Makin aku cuba mendekat, makin menjauh kurasa. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. 

Moga Allah permudahkan di suatu hari yang indah. 

Ameen

A 'fair' parent

One of the concern me being a mother is, me not being 'fair'  to all three of my children. 

I love them the same, abundantly. 

And all I want is for them to have the best, both in Hereafter and this world, allahumma ameen. 

Never ever I want to let them down. 

Letting them down, means, they get upset and sad. 

I never like it when I know one of them are sad. 

It saddened me, although, it over not so critical matters. 

Yup, I love spoiling them. 

It just that, sometimes, I didn't tell them all. 

I don't give in to all their request. 

Especially when I felt, by allowing it, would lead to the possibilities of bigger harm which would upset them and make them sad. 

They might not see it, but, I know, one day they would know why mama said, 'no'. 

...

I was disheartened by Aimar last night. 

He did what he didn't tell me he would of what he knew I would say no. 

and I found out. 

So, the damage was done.

Mending it is nothing but to forgive him when he seek forgiveness, and let it be a life lesson to him. 

...

It's not easy to be his mama ~ Aimar's mama. 

Just as much, it's not easy to be Aimar, a young energetic good teenage boy who couldn't resist temptation easily. 

I know that teen ~ I was him; or maybe I wasn't as 'adventurous' as he was. 

But, as I'm reflecting, I knew how it felt to be in his shoe. 

Because, I'm his mama. 

...

And I only got to know how my parents felt when I was their age, having a teenage daughter like me. 

...

Last Friday, I was disheartened when I got to know my dad had minor injury as he was trimming his moustache and the scissors fell down and 'stabbed' his feet. There were blood all over. It just that, instead of calling me, who is a non-working housewife staying-at-home mom who live the nearest to my parents as compared to others, Aboh called my sister, my working sister who was in her office attire, came and picked him up to bring him to the clinic. 

I was just left speechless. 

...

It took time for me to ponder ~ is it fair for parents to not 'love' and 'trust' their children the same. 

I do not have answer on behalf of my parents. 

 

But I know for sure, I don't want my children to ever feel that!

It has always be my concern when I had my second child, and the concern still valid throughout their life. 

I just love them the same, lillahitaala.

I love them for Allah's sake. 

...

Should they are reading this, I just want to tell them,

'kalau ada apa2 yang mama buat, buat Aidan, Aimar, Aivey berasa hati dan rasa kurang kasih banding dengan adik-beradik yang lain, please don't feel such way. 

Mama tak pernah belah bagi kasih antara korang tiga orang. 

And do know, kalau ada korang rasa begitu, shoo it away!'

And that's how I would shoo away the feeling I thought about my parents. 

...

Gosh! Old me!

Lama sangat dah tak menaip.. 

Beralasan tu, dah jadi satu kebiasaan. Sehinggakan dan kekeringan dan ketandusan alasan, masih cuba hendak menyedapkan hati, walaupun takde keperluan. 

Indah ajaran Rasulullah SAW; if there's nothing concern you, leave it alone!

Alhamdulillah

I really hope that I could adhere to that. 

My health is not getting any better, alhamdulillah. 

It's deteriorating and got tired blaming the post-chemo and post-radio after ten years. 

Subhanaallah. 

How merciful Ar-Rahman has been to this sinner, and here I am. 

I'm turning 46 in 8 days time.

Mature?

Wisdom?

Wiser?

nope - just getting older

So, once I while, I worried about my future. 

How would the kids be. 

How would my dear parents be.

How would me and my spouse be. 

And in those times, I just felt 'helpless' and hopeful. 

Indeed, it is to Him that we shall return to. 

May it be a one smooth wonderful journey, ameen. 

And they would be time, I just want to cry and I did cry. 

Reflecting back of all my sins

Reflecting how merciful and kind Allah has been to me and how horribly pain in the a*% I've been to myself and the people surrounding. 

Reflecting of all the blessings that I never bother to count before. 

Allahu akbar. 

who won't?

At times, I just missed the memories of my childhood. 

I had a great time, being raised in a wonderful loving house with loving and caring families. 

And how I wish my children would be able to share that love and care. 

Yet, I know, at times me writing this, it is just impossible. 

And that is why I have to stop writing now. 

She's 12

 Aivey was 12 semalam.
I was sad the day before, and yesterday and still am today. 
...

Vy, awak dah 12 tahun.

…

Aboh plan amik cuti on the 15th sebab you were supposed to be due in a week time ~ but, just like abg2, you just too eager to come out and didn’t want to wait for Aboh… the world is harsh, Vy! 

2012-2013 .. mama sebok dok busy keje, I could hardly have much nemories you growing up! 😪

2014 - 2015 .. mama baru post-cancer treatment and you spent most time growing up with Aboh & Atok. 😘

2016 - 2017 .. mama dah tak keje, dah ok sikit, dah boleh teman awak buat memacam and that was it. 😍

lepas tu, I lost track of time, only to felel a pang in my heart that you are 12 ~ “Ma, can we do saya punya MyKad on Thursday?”

Vy, banyak awak ada tepi mama, tepuk mama, hug mama, kiss mama bila aboh gi work and mama tengah ‘time out’.. somehow, you are just beyond your age when it comes to being empathy with me! 

Despite your small build body size, you definitely have a great growing up heart, girl.

Like Aboh said, ‘you are our favourite daughter!’

and you will reply him, ‘you are my favourite aboh and mama!’

Happy 12th, anak solehah.

Moga awak selalu berkumpul dengan orang baik-baik, kawan baik-baik, jadi baik-baik. 

Allahumma ameen

Perempuan: Kerja atau Berhenti Kerja?

 Tadi kat FB, ada lalu post 

"Perempuan bila dah kahwin patut berhenti kerja ke atau tidak?"

Memang post nak 'mendapat' .. kumpul komen puluh ribu, reaksi ratus ribu, sharing and tagged entah baper jariahnya... 

...

Isu perempuan kerja tak kerja ni, isu 'evergreen'. 

To me, it should be no right or wrong answer. 

And if we were to give answer pun, kena betul-betul tengok dari all aspect, all angles.. 

Pengalaman sahaja tak boleh pakai.. lagi hina bila pengalaman tu pengalaman orang.. dan lagi lagi hina bila pengalaman orang tu pengalaman orang yang tak kita kenal pun... entah-entah, tak wujud pun orang tu... 

Takut bila baca komen, "apa-apa pun jadi, jangan berhenti kerja!!!"

...

Ya Allah, tak takut ke kita dok ajar benda betul tak betul ni???

Tak tahu apa niat, tak tahu apa tujuan, tak tahu apa sebab... tau tau nak bangkang. 

...

Since I don't have the intention to write about this issue on my FB, this blog of mine seems to be legit nak simpan opinion... 

Kalau anak-anak mama tanya, "Ma, pompuan kena berhenti kerja ke bila dah kawin?"

My answer is simple....

"Kalau nak tengok 'hebat tak hebat' lelaki tu menjadi suami dan ayah, tengok bini dia keje tak keje... tengok lifestyle diorang... bini tak keje, makna dia mampu nak bagi cukup makan pakai dan pendidikan utk anak bini dia. Lifestyle gila babas mewah ~ maknanya dia cukup-cukup terer..."

Fullstop. 

...

Mama dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang perempuan semua kena jadi independent.

Lelaki-lelaki yang ada keliling (minus my dad) semua banyak amik kesempatan.. tak baper rajin dan bila ada-ada sikit, sebok nak bukak cawangan lain. 

Mama pernah skeptical pasal bab kawin ni... nenek bini no 2, mom lijah kena tinggal ngan laki besar anak sorang-sorang, mamiton bini no 2 out of 3 (or 4) yang laki memang ada tak ada dalam hidup dia dengan dua orang anak-anak dia... Mama sampai terpikir, kalau aku kawin nanti, ada potential laki kawin lebih 1 tak???? 

Tokki kahwin lebih 1.. Aboh tak pernah citer masa awal kami kenal dan berkawan.. As a matter of fact, dah bercinta 3,4 tahun, dah level nak kawin, baru Aboh citer.. something that he is not so proud of... Yang Mama lak in the thoughts of.. matilanak... kalau bapak dia kawin dua, dia tu ada potensi gak... 

Ahhhh sudah...

Bila tengok nenek, nek ton, nek mom struggle cari duit sendiri nak besarkan anak, nak mewahkan anak... Mama yakin, Mama kena belajar pepandai, dapat kerja best-best, jangan berhenti kerja walau apa pun yang jadi. 

...

Alhamdulillah, lepas kahwin... tak pernah sesen pun duit gaji terpaksa guna bayar bil api bil air bila apa-apa.. kete mama bayar sebab ada 2 kete, and boleh je nak opt for 1 so I don't have to pay.. tapi..nak gak 2. 

Gaji dari RM2k, RM4k, RM8k sampai RM10k... semua perabis duit beli handbag, kasut, makeup, baju bla bla.. perabis buat rambut, makan mewah bla bla.. Satu sen pun takde savings... hutang credit card pulak yang ada bertambah-tambah.. 

...

Aboh banyak kali suruh tak yah kerja... bini dia sangat degil. 

Until I had cancer and lepas dah recover, kena gi kerja... things not getting better.. my health was deteriorating.. tak leh nak perform, penat sokmo, tak dengar and I was so depressed. 

Aboh suruh berhenti kerja and this time I said, ok. 

...

I was worried... what if, what if, what if.. 

Memacam what ifs. 

Family kat Kg Baru pun sangat tak setuju bila tahu that I wanted to resign.. katanya, I should think through.. patut berhenti tanpa gaji or just nego ngan bos on work arrangement. 

Level 'risau' diorang sampai jadi 'gaduh'.. 

"bodohlah! ikut cakap laki..kalau apa-apa jadi, sapa nak tanggung ko???"

...

Malas nak ingat balik.. Kang jadi panjang citernya. 

I think through... risau bosan duduk rumah ~ I know I will be occupied with anak-anak and hal-hal anak-anak. 

Risau laki kawin lain ~ berani dia??? hahaha

Risau laki mati takde income??? I can always go back to work.

Apa-apa pun, I decided to berhenti.. betul.. masa tu takde niat Lillahitaala sebab pikir nak berhenti sebab malas nak gaduh pepanjang ngan Abang.. 

Ingat Abang cakap, "Abang bukan cannot afford manje.. Mewah tu, maybe tak, tapi, Abang tak pernah sesen pun pakai duit manje selama kita kahwin.. Alhamdulillah. Abang kerja offshore, balik cuti, nak lah bini ada rumah... bukan nak kena hantar jemput bini pergi kerja balik kerja. 

I quit kerja in 2015. 

And that was it ~ alhamdulillah.. one regret that I have until today is, "naper tak berhenti masa awal-awal dulu lagi ek??"

...

Rugi belajar tinggi duduk rumah?

Abang kata: tengok anak-anak kita... sapa cikgu tuisyen diorang? mama diorang kan.. anak-anak terjaga, bijak-bijak, solat makan pakai.. alhamdulillah.. anak-anak nak debate, argue benda-bende berat, steady je mama rebuttal ngan diorang.. sebab Alhamdulilllah, Mama degree oversea kot!

Alhamdulillah.. orang dok kata "pandai-pandai anak korang!"

tak, tak pandai tetibe... dari kecik kena pantau. 

Alhamdulillah. 

...

Kalau laki kawin lain?

Itu ketentuan Ilahi.. kita bukan Tuhan. 

...

Kalau laki mati?

Itu pun ketentuan Ilahi.. kita bukan Tuhan.

...

Kalau laki kena berhenti kerja, apa nak bagi anak-anak makan?

Mac 2017, Abang kena berhenti serta-merta from the company.. ding dong ding dong, naik turun court, nego diorang nak bayar certain amount.. tak banyak mana pun... tapi dapat kat lawyer pun ada dlm RM70k lah.. 

The first 2 years, kami masih boleh survive... lepas tu, struggle ya amat.. That was when I learned to berjinak-jinak buat freelance writing gig... tak mahsyuk mana, tapi ada. 

Habis semua savings.. duit ASB anak-anak. and all... from hero to zero. Duit rumah pun, nasib baik boleh tolak EPF..kalau tak, jenuh merempat kami. Alhamdulillah, kereta dah habis hutang time tu... Stream tak ber-repair aircond, panas pun kami terjah 5 beranak. Golf memang lagi hancur lah kan... 2 tahun tak renew roadtax Golf. 

Nak kata 'mengemis', alhamdulillah, belum lagi.. Ada gak mintak 'simpati' Wan dan Kak Ani.. adik-beradik saya, as for Eman, ada gak dia datang bagi beras, sardin etc.. Yeen takde bagi apa.. dia marah bergaduh ngan kakak dan abang ipar dia... takde kuasa dia nak heran kami makan ke tak kat rumah ni. 

Things not getting better.. Abang was badly depressed.. berkurung berjam-jam dalam bilik air.. to some extent, he literally slept in it. 

We had to homeschool Aivey sebab that's the most appropriate solution at that moment. 

Alhamdulillah.. Aidan, Aimar dapat support sekolah ~ ada allocation utk level B40 macam kami masa tu.. mak ayah tak kerja.. 

Anak-anak tak pernah nak bunyi nak makan sedap, nak gi jejalan, nak baju baru... apa ada, makan, pakai, guna. 

Mashaallah... 

Apa takut pada ketentuan Allah?

Masa Abg hilang kerja tu, kami berlima learned the best lesson in life ~ Allahu somad.. Allah tempat kami berganting.. tak putus tahjud, tak putus sujud, berdoa solat berhajat. 

Dalam takde income tu, sekali-sekala Allah sampaikan kiriman ntah dari sesiapa... kekawan bebaik macam Au, Rozi, Noor, Teacher Atiqah, Kak As, Khairani, Izzy.... Ya Allah.. ramailah.. semua nak belanja anak-anak makan, pakai, mainan... 

Ya Allah, kami tak mintak... diorang pun, tahu tak tahu..cuma tergerak nak membantu. 

Rezeki anak-anak tak pernah putus.. sampaikan orang tak tahu, kami takde duit masa tu! Habis semua..

...

2 tahun lamanya Abg pulun cari kerja... bila dah desperate, semua kerja boleh jalan... kerja kilang lah, kerja kat Afrika lah... semua dia apply.. satu tak lekat.. 

Bila government announced nak buat PKP... kami paling serabut.. project takde, makna kata kerja kosong pun merundum.. Ramai yang kena buang.. 

2021, rezeki Abang dapat kerja ngan KPOC. Patut based kat Sabah ~ but we were beggars and beggars don't choose. Ingat semua nak transfer ke Sabah dah... 

Tapi, sampai hari ni, kami masih di sini... Masa Abang nak pindah Sabah, ada kawan kerja dia mintak jasa baik dia, nak tukar based kat office rather than offshore.. nak jaga anak sakit jantung. mintak contract 2 tahun, tukar suka sama suka. Insyaallah.. hujung tahun ni, habis contract 2 tahun... big possibility, Abang kekal kerja offshore.. 2 minggu on-off.. so, maknanya, status quo.. tak yah pindah. Alhamdulillah. 

...

Perempuan bila dah kawin kena kerja ke berhenti? 

Ikutlah apa shariah suruh. 

Fahamlah apa niat kita kerja. 

Yang pastinya, pegang pada kata-kata, rezeki Allah tu tetap ada untuk setiap hambaNya.. itu bukan mitos. Itu dalam Al-Quran. 

...

Cuma ralat, masa kerja duit banyak..memang tak rasa langsung nak bersedekah tolong orang susah... bila dah rasa sendiri, rasa wajib tolong orang susah ni. 

Moga Allah tambah rezeki kami anak-beranak, bukan nak mewah.. tapi nak tolong agama Allah. 

Allahumma ameen

Busuk Hati

My last post was sooooo busuk!!!! 

My hati is sooo busukkk... 

Allahuakbar. 

Tertampar-tampar diri ni bila baca ayat-ayat tentang hati dalam Quran.. ada 132 ayat yang being referred as qalb... 

Macam-macam jenis hati. 

Meh simpan sini jap nota tentang hati ~ lepas tu nak tampar diri yang tak sedar-sedar ni... Nak busuk hati kat manusia, tak tentu hala! Buruknya perangaiku... 

 3 jenis hati: firman Allah Quran Al-Hajj 22:52-54

وَمَا أَرْسَلْنَا مِنْ قَبْلِكَ مِنْ رَسُولٍ وَلَا نَبِيٍّ إِلَّا إِذَا تَمَنَّىٰ أَلْقَى الشَّيْطَانُ فِي أُمْنِيَّتِهِ فَيَنْسَخُ اللَّهُ مَا يُلْقِي الشَّيْطَانُ ثُمَّ يُحْكِمُ اللَّهُ آيَاتِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ عَلِيمٌ حَكِيمٌ

Dan Kami tidak mengutus sebelum kamu seorang rasulpun dan tidak (pula) seorang nabi, melainkan apabila ia mempunyai sesuatu keinginan, syaitanpun memasukkan godaan-godaan terhadap keinginan itu, Allah menghilangkan apa yang dimasukkan oleh syaitan itu, dan Allah menguatkan ayat-ayat-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Bijaksana,

لِيَجْعَلَ مَا يُلْقِي الشَّيْطَانُ فِتْنَةً لِلَّذِينَ فِي قُلُوبِهِمْ مَرَضٌ وَالْقَاسِيَةِ قُلُوبُهُمْ ۗ وَإِنَّ الظَّالِمِينَ لَفِي شِقَاقٍ بَعِيدٍ

agar Dia menjadikan apa yang dimasukkan oleh syaitan itu, sebagai cobaan bagi orang-orang yang di dalam hatinya ada penyakit dan yang kasar hatinya. Dan sesungguhnya orang-orang yang zalim itu, benar-benar dalam permusuhan yang sangat,

وَلِيَعْلَمَ الَّذِينَ أُوتُوا الْعِلْمَ أَنَّهُ الْحَقُّ مِنْ رَبِّكَ فَيُؤْمِنُوا بِهِ فَتُخْبِتَ لَهُ قُلُوبُهُمْ ۗ وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ لَهَادِ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِلَىٰ صِرَاطٍ مُسْتَقِيمٍ

dan agar orang-orang yang telah diberi ilmu, meyakini bahwasanya Al Quran itulah yang hak dari Tuhan-mu lalu mereka beriman dan tunduk hati mereka kepadanya dan sesungguhnya Allah adalah Pemberi Petunjuk bagi orang-orang yang beriman kepada jalan yang lurus.

1. Hati yang sihat: 

- bersih dari syahwat, syubhat, selamat dari penghambaan kepada selain Allah

- keikhlasan, kemurnian hanya untuk Allah      

2. Hati yang mati:

- hati yang dimatikan fitrahnya kepada manusia: di alam ruh, setiap manusia secara fitrah bertuhan, bersaksi Allah itu Tuhan (7:172)

3. Hati yang sakit:

-hati yang bekerja dengan rasa yang tidak enak i.e. dengki, iri, cemburu, sombong 

- penyakit; rasa yang tidak sesuai dengan Allah

...

Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Sesungguhnya apabila seorang mukmin berbuat dosa, maka akan ada titik hitam di hatinya, jika ia bertaubat dan meninggalkannya maka hatinya akan kembali putih, namun jika ia terus melakukan(dosa) maka akan bertambah (titik hitam), maka itulah yang jadi berkarat (hati)..." [Sunan Ibn Majah]

...

[Ibn Qayyim] Kalau senang berkumpul (mendekatinya) dengan orang kafir / munafik, akan terkena penyakitnya. Kalau bergaul dengan mereka, kita akan terkena racunnya. Apalagi bila menemani mereka, kita akan hancur.

>> cara syaitan bekerja dengan perlahan-lahan. 

...

lapisan / initi hati 

>> sodrun (dada) : terus bermaksiat, melakukan benda negatif, tempat peperangan kemaksiatan dan kebaikan. 

>> qolbu (jantung) : berbolak-balik, tidak stabil. perlu ada penyembuhan hati yang berbolak-balik. 

>> fu'ad :mukmin, mampu / arif kenal Allah masih perlu bimbingan (QS53:11). kuat beribadah, beramal soleh

>> lub (nurani) : terbimbing, hati tulus, ikhlas hingga dirinya menjadi cermin... peribadinya kelihatan , penuh cahaya Ilahi

...

Nah, yang wajibnya, semua datang balik kat diri kita... orang nak buat naya, nak buat khianat ~ biar dia jawablah depan Tuhan dia nanti. Kita ni, kena selalu didik hati sebaik-baiknya. Tak mudah, tapi perlu!!

Cari bila perlu

 Dah banyak kali dah kena ~ bila nak mintak tolong, laju je call, message tanya manis mulut. 
Lepas tu, buat macam tak kenal ... ajak lepak pun, tak tanya direct ~ siap ada disclaimer, 'tapi jauh.. takpe je kalau tak join!'

Nak aje kucarutkan dalam group.. tapi sebab rasa respect kat orang lain masih ada, maka, kita makan hati sakit hati... carut aje dalam tulisan ini...
...

Masalahnya, dah banyak kali terkena.. tiap kali terkena, simpan niat dalam hati... pasni ko mintak tolong, boleh blah! takdenya aku nak tebal muka tanya member aku camtu camni sampai member rasa awkward, takdenya aku nak reschedule semua benda, gi kedai cari barang yang korang nak, takpelah plan aku cancel.. 

Bila jadi benda sakit hati camni, rasa macam bodoh, rasa macam tunggul.. 
Rasa macam, ko ni dah kenapa? Dah tua bangka pun masih bodoh? Kata belajar agama sampai dapat sijil bagi. Iktiraf mana ko dapat ni? Betul ke sohih? Ke memang betul cuma hati ko sebu sangat...  memang suka nak nyusahkan orang asal ko senang, lepas tu, jangan nak ikhlas sangat sebab nanti ko sendiri yang susah... 

...

Banyak kali aku janji kat diri aku.. pasni, apa-apa ko mintak tolong, aku nak buat bodoh, aku malas nak layan.. kang aku layan, aku gak yang baran. 

...
Rugi je sume aku kekonon ikhlas tolong ko! Penat tau! 

Kot ye pun..... 

The algorithm is simple; ko rasa byk masalah kat anak ko sebab apa? ada tak sebab ko sendiri jadi punca asbab? 

Dang!!!! 

Berhati-hati dengan perempuan

...

Mama nak berpesan tentang perempuan ~ mama tahu anak-anak Mama ada mentor (read: Aboh) yang terbaik, nak amik contoh macam mana nak jaga perempuan (read: wife).. tapi, ada banyak lagi benda hal perempuan yang Aidan dan Aimar kena tahu. 

Memula lagi ~ just be mindful of them. 

Masa al-'Aziz, tuannya Yusuf AS, kantoikan isteri dia, cuba nak goda hambanya itu semata-mata nak memenuhi nafsu serakah dia, apa yang mampu suaminya buat? Dia cakap, seperti yang ada dalam Al-Quran

[Yusuf 12:29]

يُوسُفُ أَعۡرِضۡ عَنۡ هَٰذَاۚ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرِي لِذَنۢبِكِۖ إِنَّكِ كُنتِ مِنَ ٱلۡخَاطِـِٔينَ

"Wahai Yusuf, lupakanlah hal ini. Dan engkau (Wahai Zulaikha), mintalah ampun bagi dosamu, sesungguhnya engkau adalah dari orang-orang yang bersalah!”

Untuk seorang pembesar hebat berkata-kata begitu, pasti ramai (termasuk Mama) yang tertanya-tanya.. itu je pesan dia??? itu je hukuman dia??

Kenapa ek.. mcm senang aje nak lepas.. 

Hebat mana pun seorang lelaki itu, penuh kuasa, kaya-raya, ternama... al-'Aziz pembesar Mekah itu sedar:

[Yusuf 12:28]

إِنَّ كَيۡدَكُنَّ عَظِيمٞ

sesungguhnya tipu daya kamu amatlah besar pengaruhnya.

...

Hari ni, Aidan Aimar masih remaja ~ masih zaman seronok berkenal-kenalan. 

Mungkin dalam berkawan, rasa ingin berteman. 

Tapi, sentiasa ingatkan diri, perempuan lembut, ayu, bersopan-santun itu, bukan kriteria utama untuk jadi pasangan hidup kalian. 

Rasulullah SAW pesan, 4 kriteria nak cari pasangan hidup: harta, keturunan, cantik dan agamnya. Cari empat-empat tu ~ moga bahagia hingga ke dunia abadi. 

Buat masa ni, mama nak peringatkan ~ jaga Allah, jaga diri, jaga agama. 

Syaitan paling mudah cucuk jarum dan lelaki selalunya akan tewas dengan perempuan. 

Bergolok-gadai untuk perempuan. 

Bergaduh sesama sahabat-handai sebab perempuan. 

Jiwa serabut, hati lagha dek kerana perempuan. 

Tapi, kena ingat gak ~ tak semua pompuan tu 'scammer'.. dan tak semua lelaki itu 'victim'.

Hatta, semua balik pada iman. 

Kalau nak buat naya kat hati pompuan, ingat anak-anak.. kenang balik mama dan adik mu juga pompuan. 

Ittaqullah ~ jaga diri dari azab Allah, jaga iman.