My Name is Abigail

 Mama simpan sini essay Aimar tulis untuk submission for ALS ke ELS... mama pun tak ingat dah. Dia mintak mama proofread, and I'd say.. wow.. what has he been reading? 

Tak tahu nak comment.. hahaha

Alhamdulillah, barakallahu feek.

...

BWAAAHHH. The wailings of a newborn fills the delivery room that was before filled with painful screeching. Alisa Hall Green just successfully gave birth to her first child. The blood-covered baby was wrapped with a blanket before the doctor handed him to his mother.

"He's so precious , I'm going to name him Abigail Francis Green" announced Alisa while holding her 3.4kg baby in her arms with little energy to spare. And that is my name, Abigail Green.

I was raised in a small town called Hassletown. I grew up without a father since he  left us before I was even born. In spite of that, my mother spoiled me well. Providing me delicious meals, every latest Dork Diaries collection, and wardrobes of branded clothes. 

Growing up, making friends was such a struggle for me. One of the reasons is because I disliked most things boys my age were obsessed with. They would play with action figures and I would play with dolls, they would play football and I would stay inside and read my novels. It was as if I was the other side of the coin.

When I started school, I was left out from a lot of things since I was socially awkward. On the first day when I introduced myself, everyone laughed. "Abigail was a girl's name" they squealed. Not just that they also shamed me for looking horrid and fat. I got bullied and beaten up often. They also teased me by calling me names like "Abigirl", "Fat Francis", and "Abigail the troll". They harassed me everyday.

I got ashamed of my name. I would fake my name when any stranger asked. I  told them I was Max.

After such suffering in elementary school, I survived and proceeded life normally. It did affect me mentally but I got through it. 

Middle school started and I felt good. It felt like I was starting a new chapter in my life. But the feeling didn't last long. I was placed in the same class with the big bully, Jackson. Jackson was everyone's favourite. He was athletic and well-packaged. He was kind to everyone but me. He used to make fun of me, trash my table and even steal my food. But I couldn't do anything because I was a nobody and he was the rising star.

Whenever I entered the class, he shouted at the top of his lungs, " Hey, it's the fat loser Abigirl". Everyone burst out, laughing. That was when I had enough. I sprinted out of the class and headed straight back home. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. How to express my feelings. I was tired of being bullied. I wanted to end it all. 

I took the gun from my mother's safe. I clicked the safety clip and was ready to paint the walls red.

Only then I heard my phone buzzing . I decided to glance at it and it was my birthgiver who was calling.  "One last time" I thought to myself and answered the phone. 

"Abigail Francis Hall, love. Why are you skipping class on the first day of school?" my mom asked in the most angelic voice. I was silent. It was as if death had just left the room. 

"I'm tired mom!" I exclaimed while bawling my eyes out. I told her everything from elementary school to just now, and I just had enough. 

She hurried home, didn't say anything and just came running and hugged me. We sat there on the floor for quite a while. Just lying there. We were silent but a lot was spoken, wordlessly. 

That was when mom arranged for me to meet the therapist. I dumped everything that I had bottled for my entire life. That was when mom decided to move out from Hassletown to Las Vegas. In my new school, I was traumatised to introduce myself.

"Class, this is Abigail, our new student. Say, hi Abigail" said the teacher.

Everyone gave me a confused look. My fear was real. I went to an empty seat and the boy next to me asked "So your name is Abigail, like Abigael Spence, the famous actor?. 

That was it.  "A-B-I-G-A-I-L" I said. "Soosie, nice to meet you. I guess I'm not the only person with a girl's name now" he said with his chest up filled with pride. That moment taught me that it is something to be celebrated and embraced, not feared or ignored.

by: Muhammad Aqiel Aimar, IKEM, Sept 15th 2023

Broke down

I broke down, again. 

The fact that, whenever I broke down, I would resort to writing and posting in this blog is just simple ~ this blog is mine. 

As much as I can write it in FB, or talked to my hub or my circle of friends, the blog posting soothe me at its best. 

Kalau ikut konsep psikologi yang Ustaz Amin share dalam IKIM pasal orang mata, hati, akal, telinga ni; my strong trait would be what is in my name ~ 'ain. Indeed, orang mata ni, kalau ikut Ustaz punya study, cepat 'tangkap', tak perlu details macam orang telinga, main 'jalan' je.. dia gak cepat react dan cepat lupa. 

Hence, for me writing anything in this blog, would be somethings I can remind myself..oooo.. those were the days. 

...

Honestly, I am still disheartened from what my parents did to me. I know, I shouldn't, but I guess that's why Islam been reminding its ummah, just be kind to them, till whenever. Alhamdulillah. 

I'm a mother too. I'm a parent too. 

and my biggest fear would always be me not being fair to all three of my children. 

Allahu musta'an. 

If whenever they are reading this post of mine, do know, 

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey, 

maafkan mama kalau ada apa yang mama kata, mama buat, is making you even think, 'ee..mama ni tak adil dah, berat sebelah.. sayang anak sorang tu je!'

Do know that I know how horrible that feeling is, and I never want either one of you to feel that, be it true or not true. 

It just hurt. 

...

Just as much as seeing how horribly evil the zionist are doing to the people of Gaza today, after 40 days. 

It just helplessly hurtful and indeed, it kills part of me.

I wasn't sure, I was crying for Gaza or just protesting the act of my parents unto me. 

Somehow, it is just sad to admit, people (no matter if they are your friends or even your parents) will only appreciate you when you are rich, own a beautifully designed condo with a pool, drive a Volvo SUV and so on ~ for a girl who got married and stayed at home raising her kids, just nothing impressive to appreciate her. 

...

Ok me, sod off!

Everybody was kind to me

I just don't understand how could it possibly be. 

Everybody has been so kind to me. 

I was invited to K Liza's son's wedding and she has been so welcoming as she hugged me when she saw me the moment I step into the wedding hall. 

Fazariah's husband, a District Officer of Marang, saw me and told about it to Fazariah and she came and welcomed me so that I won't feel distance. I never spoke to neither of them, before. Teh saw me and came to me and hugged. Kak Dah (Wahidah) also came and greeted me. 

They are my husband's cousin, and we aren't that close ~ and knew each other by name. I attended the wedding, on behalf of my husband, for I knew he would want to come if he's around. Furthermore, I knew I will never be feel as welcomed as how these beautiful people treated me if it were my side of family. 

Wan & his family were in town as well, for the wedding. 

So, we spent today with them. 

We had good lunch at Serai, CT bought me the Supercube Soothe Mist and we had fun with CikDe the night before. 

Alhamdulillah. 

They are not my side of family, yet, I have them to make feel like I'm part of family. 

...

This morning, I went to Kg Baru to pick-up the cleaning ladies. 

I met Mamiton, just to say hi, but I dare not go more than her room as much I wanted to. 

I always miss the house, that house that I grow up in. 

Tonight, it just heartbroken to find out Eman & his family staying over at Yin's and all of them including mama & abah were at Yin's for dinner. 

I just had dinner with Aidan, Aimar and Aivey at Ali Maju - just happened, we decided to drop by Sri Ukay for Aimar wanted to meet nenek and atuk up before he went for hostel tomorrow morning.  We weren't invited to Yin's obviously. But when Aimar called nenek to tell her that we were in front of her house, she immediately told Aimar to come by D'Pines for Yin wanted to meet him up. 

They never wanted to make peace. 

May Allah forgive my mom & my dad for I love them and I want to be with them in Jannah. 

I love my sister and my brother too. 

But I guess, everybody was kind to me

..but them

It just tiring to feel these feeling!

She's not 'small'

Tengah semangat mama bersembang, cerita pasal Aidan masa kecik, sambil tunggu the food being served kat Bachelor's Kitchen, nenek called. 

Out of blue, she said, "Aivey tu kecik je nak masuk asrama. Takpe lah kalau dia tak masuk asrama."

Earlied petang tadi, nenek cakap kat Kedai Kopi KL, "Iris tu apa-apa pun kena masuk asrama. Kalau dia sekolah biasa ni, leceh, mak bapak dia keje, susah kalau tak masuk asrama."

I just got to know that Atuk been fetching her up from school and sent her back home. How often, wallahu'alam. It's not important for me to know. 

I told my mom, " Iris budak pandai, she can deserve to masuk asrama."

The idea me saying that is so that my mom can see, Iris have to masuk asrama because she deserves, it, not because she have to for she has a working parents who can't take care of her and have to depend on her aging grandparents. 

No doubt, Iris is a smart girl. 

...

Yet, that doesn't imply that my daughter is not smart and don't deserve to masuk asrama. 

Yup, I was hurt by that quick phone call that my mom said to me. 

Yup, I was so speechless, defensive and maybe a bit 'angry' that I cried a little. Alhamdulillah, I'm glad that I am able to put myself together and not to breakdown and say something I might have regretted. 

...

Aivey is gonna sit for her UKKM exam on this coming 28th. 

She did her PKSK test, alhamdulillah. 

And I can never be more proud than I could be for her. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I will not start with saying, she not as smart as her brothers... for she is just as much. Alhamdulillah. 

All three of them have different level of achievements in academic. 

My mom didn't see it. 

All she saw is Aidan is the brightest one, for he got into MRSM, secured straight As and maintained his dean's list, and Insyaallah secured his covertible loan to scholarship to further his studies in France to pursuit his dream in becoming an engineer. 

So, my mom can only justfied and labelled that as being smart. 

Less that she knew both Aimar and Aivey are two smart people too. 

To my mom, for Aimar is not in the mainstream as he picked to choose in the Tahfiz, his future is not as bright as his abang. Less that his grandmom knew how difficult it is to memorize 25 juz (alhamdulillah, hadza min fadhli rob) in 3 and 1/2 years. And if my mom knew, how Aidan won't be able to do what Aimar did, will my mom change her mind? Nope, I doubt it. 

As for Aivey. She didn't get all Band6 results in her exams unlike Iris. Less that my mom knew that grading of the Band is totally not the same for every school and every students. Being KMS which prioritise character and intergrity rather than on-paper educational, vs a public school who would want to raise their rank in the PPD list so that they could get the extra budget for the school. are two different things! Aivey can be as critical and analytical students as compare to many kids of her age. She is not 'small' as nenek might think. 

Yup, I'm being defensive, not because I'm a mama. Just because, I don't think its fair to judge any kids according to what is in their grade and what the public perceived. 

It just hurt, when the remarks came from you own flesh & blood. 

Bersendirian

 Kesihatan mental
…
Dalam Islam, ada 5 konsep Maqasid ash-shari’ah i.e. objektif suatu hukum shari’ah dilaksanan yakni untuk memelihara agama, diri, akal, harta dan keturunan.

Memelihara diri, hifz an-nafs, adalah sebahagian daripada ‘ilm an-nafs, yang mana Rasulullah SAW ajarkan pada para sahabat.

Pernah suatu hari ketika Rasulullah SAW  memasuki masjid dan melihat Abu Umamah RA sedang duduk di sana. Beliau bertanya: “Wahai Abu Umamah, kenapa aku melihat kau sedang duduk di dalam masjid sedangkan bukan luar waktu solat?” Abu Umamah menjawab: “Dukacita dan hutang menyelubungiku wahai Rasulullah!” Rasulullah menjawab: “Mahukah kamu aku ajarkan kepada kamu satu doa jika kamu membacanya Allah akan menghilangkan rasa dukacitamu dan melangsaikan hutangmu.” Abu Umamah menjawab: “Sudah tentu, wahai Rasulullah.” Maka Baginda bersabda: “Ucapkanlah pada tiba waktu pada pagi dan petang bacaan ini:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحَزَنِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْجُبْنِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ
Maksudnya: “Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari kedukaan dan kesedihan. Aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari sifat lemah dan malas. Aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari sifat pengecut dan bakhil. Dan aku berlindung kepada Engkau dari bebanan hutang dan penindasan manusia.”
Riwayat Abu Daud (4/353)
…
Di dalam Al-Quran, Allah SWT sendiri memilih untuk menceritakan perihal Nabi Yaakub yang berdukacita ketika kehilangan Nabi Yusuf AS 
 وَٱبۡيَضَّتۡ عَيۡنَاهُ مِنَ ٱلۡحُزۡنِ فَهُوَ كَظِيمٞ
dan putihlah dua belah matanya disebabkan ratap tangis dukacitanya kerana ia orang yang memendamkan marahnya di dalam hati. [Yusuf 12:84]

Nabi Yaakub AS menangis dan menangis selama 40 tahun, sehinggakan matanya sakit/kabur /memutih kerana terlalu merindui anaknya, Yusuf AS. Allah sendiri menceritakan, sakit mental yang dialami Nabi Yakub AS hingga menyebabkan fizikalnya (mata) terjejas.  Ini disahkan oleh pakar psikologi dimana simpton ‘somatic’ adalah suatu yang terjadi di mana apabila keadaan mental dan emosi terjejas akan menyebabkan keadaan fizikal turut menampakkan kesannya. 
40 tahun bukanlah suatu masa yang pendek. Hinggakan, anak cucu beliau sendiri sudah bosan, hingga menuduh beliau nyanyuk. Perkara ini sering terjadi apabila seseorang mendapat gangguan emosi. Bukan sahaja diri mereka, malah ahli yangbrapat dengan mereka turut terkesan.
…
Psikologi Islam mengakui konsep self-care, menjaga dan mengasingkan diri, atau nama yang sering digunapakai hari ini ialah ‘healing’. As a matter of fact, Rasulullah SAW sendiri melakukan ‘healing’ ketika Nabi SAW berkhawlah, mengasingkan diri di Gua Hira’.
Self-care in Islam is more than just self-healing and far from being selfish. 
It is a connection and bond within oneself, connecting to The Creator, and understanding oneself better, in order for he or she would be able to function fully in the community on day-to-day basis. 

Mengasingkan diri, bukan bererti sunyi dan keseorangan. Ia bukanlah sesuatu yang harus digeruni oleh setiap umat Islam. Malah, ia adalah sesuatu yang diharuskan, terutamanya apabila kita rasa amat ‘kehilangan’ sehingga terganggu mental, emosi dan perasaan.
Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Isolation is not something that most Muslim should be fear of. As a matter of fact, being alone in solitude and is something that we are encouraged to do to connect spiritually and physically to increase one's faith i.e. Iman. 

Asingkanlah diri, jika perlu. Ambil masa untuk merawat jiwa yang penat dalam lara. 
Pause and recharge.

Bila dah pulih hati terisi dengan iman dan kasih Allah, teruskanlah hidup mengejar akhirat sementara menumpang di dunia ini.
#alonebutnotlonely
#strengtheningyourfaith
#spiritualsolitude
#DrRaniaAwaad
#islamicpscychology

Bilakan bersatu?

It's heartbreaking to see what is happening in Palestine today. 

Tak tahu how to react. 

Yet, nak put my mind at ease and try to think of something else pun, was not as easy. 

...

Dan seperti biasa, cerita lain selain dapat buat aku sedih selain nasib ibu yang menangisi kehilangan anak di Palestin, tentulah cerita bila akan tiba masa aku dapat berkumpul mesra dengan adik-beradik aku, abah mama, abang, mentua dan anak-anak semua orang? 

Sampai hari ni, belum nampak jelas bayangannya. 

Makin aku cuba mendekat, makin menjauh kurasa. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. 

Moga Allah permudahkan di suatu hari yang indah. 

Ameen