I wish me strong

 I'm shivering in between being mad and being strong because I'm sad. 

it's not easy. 

but I guess, as I'm typing this out, I am more mad than sad. 

a person I happen to nurse when she was small is now a big girl. i remembered how I would put her on my chest while reading the novel I rented from CM during my summer break back in the 90s. she was just a baby. of course she's a grown up now. 

I'm not going to explain how it all started. I've hinted a lot on my previous writing. 

but, yup, she is one of those who swore at me, wishing me dead and was one of those who talked bad words about me. she is one of them, the clan. 

she wrote to aidan (ok, I have access to aidan's whatsapp from the laptop - he forgot to log it off the last time he logged in from here) - asking aidan for his bank account number. a gesture saying congrats for his excellent result in the exam. 

I'm proud of aidan. 

as much as I know how much they think we are struggling with money, we are not that 'low' to accept any from them. i just couldn't believe what I read:

"Ingat mama mmg la gaduh ngan org kat sini. Tapi abg dan takyah fikir sgt. Jgn lupa org kat sini."

how insanely stupid she could be to say such thing? who the hell she thinks she is? someone who own and raise aidan??? 

I'm going to swear! bugger off!

"mama mmg la gaduh ngan org kat sini???????????"

bullsssss!

Kami tak OK

 Kami sedang diuji. 

Rasa nak ngadu... dan tak pernah putus ngadu pada Tuhan Yang Maha Mendengar. 

Sedang dalam menaip warkah ini, masih dititipkan untukNya. 

Sungguhpun Dia Tahu yang aku akan menitipkan satu persatu semua yang terbuku, Dia juga Tahu aku tak mampu. 

Aku tak tahu haruskah aku marah. 

Aku tak tahu haruskah aku bersedih. 

Sungguh, aku lemah, lemah di dalam mahupun luaran. 

Aku letih untuk terus tersenyum. 

Aku sakit menahan sebak bila ada yang bertanya, korang ok?

Kami tak ok. 

Allah Tahu

Kami tak ok. 

Tapi, tengok abang, aku tahu, dia lagi-lagi tak ok. sampai aku jadi takut untuk tahu samada dia ok atau tidak. akhirnya, aku sembunyikan rasa. 

Sebab aku tahu, Allah Tahu. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Jaga kami Ya Allah. 

Jaga kami Ya Allah. 

Bagi kami jalan keluar Ya Allah, jalan untuk kami beramal beribadah untuk jalan yang Kau redhai, Ya Allah. 

Redhai kami Ya Allah. 

Back to Offline

 ok, when people tend to misunderstood what I wrote, even I've made it clear...it's my blow, it's my own reflection and it's none of your business...

but on the other hand, it was my mistake for using the photo that is not mine. 

hmmm

I wonder how much photos in the global internet served being used and reused and reuse and reuse and reuse over and over  and over again and we didn't know?

pastu, kita sentap. 

i know I would sentap!

my bad!!

so, am putting this blog back to offline.. takpe lah. 

just so nanti, aidan aimar aivey boleh baca je.