Turned back and ran away

I don't understand how people can just pretend things are ok when things are not. 

It's horrible ~ it's true, it is best to be kind rather... but that shouldn't be the reason for one to conceal the truth, as much as how hurtful the truth would be!

It's horrible to smile when you know how pretentious one could be. 

Worst still when the one who is pretending is yourself. 

Don't you hate it?

It's even worst when you heard that because of your pretense, people think you are okay. As a matter of fact, people think you are happier than ever. While you, struggling to put up a straight stable hands, so that the shivering could disappear and every muscle in your body not pushing yourself as hard as you felt when you were being pretentious. 

People hate faker, yet, people are being a faker themselves. 

Boo-hoo!

It's horrible when one could just shook and kissed you hand, hugged you with big smile and all gone when the moment you turned back... all gone because she was pretending when she shook you hand, kissed it and hugged you and smiled. she wasn't being truthful. 

Even worst when she told your mom it was you who turned away when all you did was turning back to pick up your stuff so that you could sit nearer to them. 

It's not bad - i chose the wrong word. 

It's just sad. 

and I'm still crying. 

Go away, depression. Please!

 I learn something about the depressed people

…

selalu tertanya org yang bunuh diri sebab depressed ni, diorang takde iman ke? diorang ingat bunuh diri tu jalan keluar ke? 

selalu tertanya org yang duk kurung diri sebab depressed ni, diorang tak bukak Quran ke? diorang tak zikir bebanyak ke?

…

Listen to me - Quran and zikir itulah peneman orang yang betul2 tengah depressed. 

Bila rasa takde sapa nak ngadu, rasa kosong… Allah benar2 rasa dekat, tempat nak sembang… kadang2, urat2 dah tak larat, terjelepok terbaring je, perut berbunyi lapar tapi nak makan nak mengunyah tak larat, muka dah sembab nangis, air mata non-stop keluar dalam solat luar solat… tak tahu dah nak doa apa.. diri sendiri tak tahu apa yang kita nak, apa yang kita rasa, apa yang kita perlu.

Kalau syaitan mampu cucuk jarum, kau mula persoal kenapa Allah turun ujian ni kat ko. Kau mula nak start compare kenapa orang buat ko hepi je. Kenapa ko try jadi baik tapi masih ada orang khianat.

Paling teruk bila ko start self-blaming yourself, rasa tak syukur, rasa zalim, lupa diri, kalah takmo bersabar, sombong… sume rasa yang buat orang lain tak salah but you.

Dan tak terkejut, ada gak ko rasa, ‘Ya Allah, aku nak jumpa ko, Ya Allah. Aku nak ko amik nyawa aku, Ya Allah’

Allahuakbar 

Astaghfirullah.

Masa tu, kau kena kuat. Kau betul2 kena istighfar.Kau kena sungguh2 ingatkan diri kau yang rasa sakit yang ntah kenapa tu kejap je ~ Allah nak suruh kau sabar sabar sabar… Allah nak kau sembang ngan Dia sebab Dia bukan tak tahu apa kau rasa, Dia nak kau sendiri tahu yang Dia ada… simpan Dia rapat2, jaga Dia…Kau kena ulang2 mintak Allah tolong kau

Istighfar… istighfar .. istighfar.. itu yang paling tenang… magic istighfar ni, especially bila kau betul2 mengharap sandaranNya, kau baca 4,5 kali je pun, insyaallah… akan datang rasa tenang..

Bukanlah lepas tu kau rasa ok. Tapi bisik perlahan2 kat dalam hati kau, ‘kejap je rasa ni.. Allah nak kau sabar kejap je… ‘.. ikut tips Rasulullah SAW… tengok orang yang diuji teruk dari kau… apalah sangat ngan ujian ko.. sedara sendiri boikot ko tak ajak gi mkn2, ada orang mati anak mak ayah tak leh nak jumpe gi makan pun sampai kiamat - itu pun kalau kau dapat masuk syurga cam diorg.. itu contoh ujian…takde kait mengait yang hidup atau mati..

Hei you, depression is real, and being mentally defeated is soooooooo horribly sakit as compared to physically pain masa chemo and radio… cuma keep reminding yourself, Allah kan ada. Alhamdulillah 

Depression is real

I'm the generation that is build to shut off emotion, and that depression, grief and sadness are not mental sickness. 

Does that make me a 'bad' person with no 'empathy'?

The before-me-now might want to justify from the tip of my hair to my toes that I wasn't a bad person, I did have empathy and still do and those are depressed, grieving and being sad are those who are 'weak'..

But that was the before-me-now. 

Today, as I looked on the Whatsapp status of my cousins whom I still in touch with, and saw them ( everyone but me) were comfortably seated on the VIP stand to watch the Merdeka Parade, I cried ~ for no reason... 

That wasn't the first time!

Now that Abang has his own onshore-offshore shift, things hasn't been as 'easy' for me ~ I cried a lot, alone, in my room, just feeling sad and depressed. I was grieving... over things that out of my control.. over things that beyond my reach. 

I felt bad to myself. 

I cried and cried and cried until I refused to eat and got tired. 

I slept and let Aivey be all by herself, in hope that she would sleep when her time for sleep reached the limit. 

I felt so weak and it lasted until the next morning ..

No doubt, tahjud really soothed me out!

It gave comfort. 

Talking to Him, all the time, always the best medicine. 

Yet, I still cried when things get rough... 

When I felt isolated and feeling being ignored.. 

And I would talk to Him over and over again.. 

Not asking Him why I felt that way..but 'bitching' about those heartless people who never care.

I don't have the heart to do that to others. 

I don't like it because I don't like people to do it on me. 

Yet, I still find people keep doing to me. 

And I wonder why?

.... and I actually know why ~ because Allah wants me to talk to Him. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal..