The strong-headed me

I have always considered myself as 'strong-headed' by default!

Trust me ~ it's a hard process... 

Not being strong-head, but to mellow down, to reflect the softer side of mine, to show wisdom (though I might have none)... just because.

Again and again, every time I wish I could be 'less' strong-head, that would be the most difficult part!

I was wandering - why do I behave such way?

Was I been raised in a 'strong-head's family that it just run in my blood?

Was I being 'tortured' and abused in the past that I just don't know the softer part of the world?

Was it just me, being the eldest, and that was it?

Allahu musta'an...

For whatever reasons, I know I don't need to know just to justify on my actions. 

I know that I have to cool down and mellow down ~ so that I won't annoy people and I won't feel hurt when people are not responsive to me. 

My dear husband was telling me ~ " that was one of the character that make me fell in love with you, and still do "

He said, I would stick to what I say, my aims and goals and I would strive my best to thrive it. 

Wow! Did I? 

I always thought I am all but a thriver! hahaha

But then again ~ I guess, people behave differently, depending on how he or she been treated. We can be the most manje person to our spouse, and yet such a hard-headed among our buddies. We can be the most tolerant employee and yet such a strict mom at home. 

I just wish I wasn't as 'harsher' as I used to be ~ at least I thought I was harsh, and I am currently not to be harsh in times. 

I wanted anything but to hurt people. 

I used to not care about how people feels as I always wanted the world to rotate around me. 

I know, I was wrong. 

I just want how miserable I am now to everyone that I've wronged, for I know I was wronged and I shouldn't. I really hope that Allah SWT put His Mercy and forgive all those that I've wronged before the Day of Judgement. 
I have no other justifications, excuses and reasons of why I did what I did. 

As much as I seek Allah's guide to forgive me, to have mercy on me, and to guide me to be softer than I used to be ~ I will consistently pray that Allah forgives everyone that I have wronged for being strong-headed and made their life difficult because of me. 
If you happen to be one of those, please forgive me. 

Kibr

How can anyone shut someone so dear to you, should it not be due to pure hatred? 
Or was it just because of ego? 

How can someone be deceived with the word 'ego'? Isn't that means arrogance? Isn't only Allah entitled to have the names and attributes of al-kibr? How could anyone forget how arrogant Iblis have been? WHy would anyone want to follow his footsteps? 

To make it worst, the person being arrogance is also the same person making du'a to Allah, asking for His blessing and His mercy. How is that possible? How could one having the character of human's clear enemy and asking for Allah's mercy? Who is the person deceiving? Themselves or the Owner of Mercy? 

Astaghfirullah al-'azeem. 

I still can't compute. 

I tried Ya Allah. 

May I not be one of those who has the character of Iblis. Wa na'udzubillah. 

Some people

Kekadangkan, ada je setubuh manusia yang ntah datang dari mana-mana, hadir dalam hidup kau, dengan cara paling menyakitkan hati.... rasa mcm nak tampar-tampar je muka dia!
...

I really can't empathise on how some people think ~ I used to call these people stupid... then, I upgrade their label to no common sense... now that I've made promised to myself to watch my words, my thinking and my action... I just couldn't find any label to name these type of people.. I would make du'a so that Allah would guide them... 

instead, as today, I realised it is me who need guidance!!!

I have wronged so many people from the past. 

Being an elder and very bold in my thinking and words, my principle would be "tell the truth or you shall forever lie!" 

I am a bad liar, so I won't lie! I can't lie! I just don't lie for I'm sure, sooner or later, the truth will show itself and by then I would be doomed! So, I don't lie ... (hahaha, yaarrr rigghtt... bohong sunat tu sekali sekala ada gak lah terlepas). 

But my point is, I would speak my mind out if I deem it's true. During my younger years, I would accompanied the so-called truth with sacarsm, smirking and twirling my eyeslids. Astaghfirullah.. I hated my past self. I am no saint today, but I was soooo mean previously. If only people knew how I never stop seeking forgiveness for myself and for those who I've wronged.... For any of you who I have wronged... please forgive me! I know, I was mean and I should have not!!!

Well, yesterday - I was tested, not once but twice. I really don't think how some people think. They would asked you genuine questions, show interest on what they think you have knowledge of, asking for your opinions.. but when you blurt all out, being honest in giving your own personal opinion that they asked for, they started responding to you like ~ oooo..no, I'm not taking your option.. I have better option, i wasn't even considering your option at the very beginning...... and so... WHY DID YOU ASK ME AT THE FIRST PLACE???? 

Yup, I know - to test my patience.. Alhamdulillah.. I failed, but not miserably.. It was near missed.. I was about to share in my social media.. but I ended up having a good chat with chatgpt.. hahaha

...

So, did I every fully described Aivey got into MRSM? 

Alhamdulillah.. she completed Ramadan in Pengkalan Hulu... it wasn't easy, but she did it! Unlike all her ex-KMS friends, she didn't opt for MRSM IGCSE... after seeing the struggle Aidan has gone thru and not much benefit gained from it, except that he got a year headstart for his SPM revision... I don't see it is best to enrol Aivey to IGCSE... though she wished she could... I told her, "thank me later. I know I have choose the best for you, Insyaallah.. "

So, she got thru the MRSM Premier... 

Before there were IGCSE, Ulul Albab or whatever, don't people know that there were only Premier MRSM???? So, why is that people sounding like "naa... Premier is not for the scorer!"

I beg to differ.. 

I always believe, the school, though might have its impact on the result of their students, but the major role would still be the students themselve... 

campaklah kat mana pun, kalau menjadi, menjadi gak... 

Ok, now I'm 'cooler'. I guess, I have to stop here, before I spilled out more details on why I was mad at some people... kang satu-satu aib aku list down kang..bukan boleh percaya waswisu fi suduuri an-naas... sedap je kang mengata.. 

Astaghfirullah

Kejadian shaitan

 Macam nak kena share lak - sambil-sambil tadabbur tafsir surah al-kahf. 

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The miracle; the beauty of Al-Quran, Subhanallah. 

Al-Kahf ayat 50: 

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ فَفَسَقَ عَنۡ أَمۡرِ رَبِّهِۦٓۗ أَفَتَتَّخِذُونَهُۥ وَذُرِّيَّتَهُۥٓ أَوۡلِيَآءَ مِن دُونِي وَهُمۡ لَكُمۡ عَدُوُّۢۚ بِئۡسَ لِلظَّٰلِمِينَ بَدَلٗا

[Malay] Dan (ingatkanlah peristiwa) ketika Kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Sujudlah kamu kepada Adam”; lalu mereka sujud melainkan iblis; ia adalah berasal dari golongan jin, lalu ia menderhaka terhadap perintah Tuhannya. Oleh itu, patutkah kamu hendak menjadikan iblis dan keturunannya sebagai sahabat-sahabat karib yang menjadi pemimpin selain daripadaku? Sedang mereka itu ialah musuh bagi kamu. Amatlah buruknya bagi orang-orang yang zalim: pengganti yang mereka pilih itu.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate to Adam," and they prostrated, except for Iblees. He was of the jinn and departed from [i.e., disobeyed] the command of his Lord. Then will you take him and his descendants as allies other than Me while they are enemies to you? Wretched it is for the wrongdoers as an exchange

Panjang gak explanation'brief' Sheikh Assim on this ayat. Tapi, I got 'stucked', interested on the part إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ iblis daripada golongan jin. 

Masa baca surah Al-Baqarah, ada ayat yang bagitau, malaikat dan shaitan.. 

Al-Baqarah 2:34

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ أَبَىٰ وَٱسۡتَكۡبَرَ وَكَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ

[Malay] Dan (ingatlah) ketika kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Tunduklah (beri hormat) kepada Nabi Adam”. Lalu mereka sekaliannya tunduk memberi hormat melainkan Iblis; ia enggan dan takbur, dan menjadilah ia dari golongan yang kafir.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate before Adam"; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers

Kalau kita level baca satu ayat ni, terus cakap "shaitan dulu salah satu dari malaikat".. nampak sangat kita belum khatam berguru lagi... a reminder to myself.. jangan nak memandai je nak kekonon cakap shaitan tu dulu malaikat... tapi berlagak.. 

Ayat dalam surah Al-Kahf tu, clearly stated Iblis tu dari jin, yang mana malaikat daripada cahaya, jin datangnya dari api. 

Al-Dahhak, as stated dalam tafsirIbn Katsir, bagitau, "As for the Jinn, they were created from a blade of fire (mārij min nār), which is the tongue of the flame that is at its edge when it blazes"

Terus stuck dekat phrase tongue of the flame at its edge.. pegghhh... kalau orang sains yang study bab combustion ni mesti boleh faham level panas bila flame at its edge ni.. di mana segala proses pembakaran berlaku hingga menyebabkan flame.. di mana ada semuanya konteks yang nak menyebabkan wujudnya api terbakar ... cukup gas, cukup suhu, cukup pressure.. which bila guna perkataan 'cukup' tu, boleh imagine dah bukan kaleng-kaleng... 

Mashaallah.. Allah yang Maha penuh hikmah dan ilmuNya. Siapa kita??? Siapa kata kalau masih tak nak mengaku kita hambaNya, tak ikut pada perintahNya? Lagi hina, kita ikut apa shaytan dan anak-beranak dia dok dakyah kat kita... kalau kita rasa kejadian shaytan tu dah 'power'... boleh ke kita imagine Pencipta Shaytan yang diderhakinya tu? boleh ke kita imagine powernya azab yang dah standby utk shaitan dan pengikut-pengikut dia??? 

Wa iyya dzubillah... moga Allah jauhkan kita dari pengaruh shaytan dan moga Allah lindungi kita dari azab api neraka... 

...

Ok, done dakwah. 

something to ponder upon

 Something deep

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'Umar ibn 'Uthman al-Makki said, "Knowledge leads, fear drives and the soul lies between that in a display of stubbornness, defiance, deception and deviousness so be cautious of it and tend to it with the tactics of knowledge and make it fearful. You shall then accomplish what you desire." 

Knowledge is an Imam and good deeds ('amal) are the congregation. It is a leader and deeds are the followers. It is a companion when in estrangement, someone to converse with in seclusion and a friend when lonely. It is the clarifier of doubts, the wealth in which there is no poverty if a person were to triumph with its treasures and it is the shelter which brings no loss for the one who seeks its safety. 

Imam Ahmad (may Allah be pleased with him) said, "People are in more need of knowledge than they are of food and drink because a person requires food and drink only once or twice in the day whilst he is in need of knowledge for as long as he is breathing (i.e. alive)." 

“Bringing an end to anxiety”is to bring an end to the heart’s agitation which results from its attachment to the worldly life, its hopes and fears, its love and hate, and its striving for this life.

Sa’ad ibn Waqas to his son, “if you seek to be enriched, seek it through contentment for it’s a wealth that never runs out. And beware of greed, for it is immediate poverty. And be keen on becoming despaired over the worldly life for you will never despair of something except that Allah makes you no longer need it. 

Sebab sayang

 I, finally, loss it! Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal

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It’s not fair. I just want Ramadan to come back, The month where the devils are all locked up. The month of the gates of heavens are wide open. I want it back. I want it for the rest of my living life.

The least, I found peace in it.

I lost it yesteday, and still not winning at times me writing this post.

I was all teary when Aimar was leading the Maghrib prayer. I broke down. As I tried to stay compose when I be the imam for Aivey during Isya’, I was still crying. And I am still teary as I am typing this post.

This is waaaayyyy toooooo much! C’mon! I have been so peaceful during Ramadan, not missing anybody or anything. I went thru Ramadan in peace. I was committed with the nawafils and other sunnah prayers. I was commited in spreading knowledge, as much as gaining it. I was commited in giving sadaqa & charity. I was commited in not sharing too much in the social

media. I was committed. Alhamdulillah 

Yesterday, on the third raya, I lost it! 

…

My raya greetings wasn’t been replied. She didn’t ask how I was. And there was my mom, telling how much ‘baraka’ her youngest daughter earned from her career, as if implying how useless I was.

I lost it there. I lost it when I ‘implied’ when I shouldn’t have!

…

I wasn’t mad at my mom. 

I wasn’t mad at my sister and the clan. 

I just miss them.

At my best, I have done what I deem is right. 

But I guess, I was nobody significant that they could have care less. 

I just hate the way shaytan put it in my heart.

I lost it.

I cried when Abang asked ‘naper, mje?’

“setan tu jahat kan, bang? i miss them! i miss my childhood”

and that was it. I was crying like a small child, while all three of my children witnessed the fragility in their mama.

I lost it!

Abang was empathetic. So did my children.

Yet, after seven years, I guess they’ve run out of consoling words.

“Mje ingat mje dah okay dah. Mje dah stop nangis. Mje dah stop pikir. Sebulan  puasa kali ni, sikit pun mje

tak doa for things to get back to where it used to be. Things won’t. Mje ingat mje dah redha, dah terima apa yang Allah dah takdirkan.”

Tapi, semalam dan hari ni, I lost it for nothing! 

‘Yup, setan memang setan! Tapi, Mje masih ada Allah. mengadulah dekat Dia, mcm yang Mje biasa buat, istiqomah lepas 7 tahun. Buatlah, walau mungkin mkn belasan atau puluhan tahun.’

…

And here I am. Still crying.

Malam Layl Qadr

 I don’t understand human.

malay muslim human, especially.

hari ni dah 28 Ramadan.

dalam sibuk asyik kebanyakan umat menanti 10 malam terakhir Ramadan, masih ramai yang mahu berteka-teki.

‘Semalam malam layl qadr kan? Boleh rasa bangun pagi aura sejuk‘

‘Dua malam lepas malam layl qadr kan? Hujan levat malam tu!’

‘Hadis cakap malam 27 lah mlm layl qadr!!’

Allahu akbar ~ sahabat nabi SAW bukan sorang dua.  Banyak hadis bagitau mlm 21, mlm 23, mlm 27 dan sebagainya. Yang confirmnya, hadis Nabi SAW datang pada sahabah, dan ada dua orang sedang bertelingkah mempersoalkan bila datangnya malam layl qadr. Lepas tu Rasulullah SAW cakap, ‘aku datang kat korang ni sebab nak bagitau lah bila. cumanya, bila korang dah bertegang urat kejap ni, aku terus dilupakan bila malamnya! at least, ianya di 10 malam terakhir Ramadan!’

puff!! camtu je Allah nak setelkan sifat manusia  yang suka nak percaya apa yang dia teka… last2, semua tak mendapat. Alhamdulillah, ada hikmahnya dari ArRahiim.

Yang confirmnya, Nabi SAW banyak beramal in the last 10 days.

Sayyidatina Ayshah RAh ada menyampaikan, Rasulullah SAW bersungguh-sungguh (dalam beribadah) pada sepuluh yang terakhir (dari bulan Ramadhan) melebihi ibadah Baginda pada (hari-hari) selainnya.”

Tips pun Rasulullah SAW dah kabo ~ all out je lah the last 10 Ramadan tu! Tak rugi mana pun… confirm dalam 10, 1 mengena!!! Yang korang sibuk nak berteka-teki mlm semalam, mlm tadi, mlm lusa dah kenapa????? Korang ingat malam lain, malaikat catit amal tu cuti MC sokmo ke????

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Maaflah.. acik bebel sebab cinta gak ni!

Cinta kat semua dan cinta nak tarbiah semua ~ cuma masih belum berkesempatan sebab tingat Rasulullah SAW pesan, kalau takleh nak cakap bebaik, senyap! 

dush!