Sebab sayang

 I, finally, loss it! Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal

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It’s not fair. I just want Ramadan to come back, The month where the devils are all locked up. The month of the gates of heavens are wide open. I want it back. I want it for the rest of my living life.

The least, I found peace in it.

I lost it yesteday, and still not winning at times me writing this post.

I was all teary when Aimar was leading the Maghrib prayer. I broke down. As I tried to stay compose when I be the imam for Aivey during Isya’, I was still crying. And I am still teary as I am typing this post.

This is waaaayyyy toooooo much! C’mon! I have been so peaceful during Ramadan, not missing anybody or anything. I went thru Ramadan in peace. I was committed with the nawafils and other sunnah prayers. I was commited in spreading knowledge, as much as gaining it. I was commited in giving sadaqa & charity. I was commited in not sharing too much in the social

media. I was committed. Alhamdulillah 

Yesterday, on the third raya, I lost it! 

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My raya greetings wasn’t been replied. She didn’t ask how I was. And there was my mom, telling how much ‘baraka’ her youngest daughter earned from her career, as if implying how useless I was.

I lost it there. I lost it when I ‘implied’ when I shouldn’t have!

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I wasn’t mad at my mom. 

I wasn’t mad at my sister and the clan. 

I just miss them.

At my best, I have done what I deem is right. 

But I guess, I was nobody significant that they could have care less. 

I just hate the way shaytan put it in my heart.

I lost it.

I cried when Abang asked ‘naper, mje?’

“setan tu jahat kan, bang? i miss them! i miss my childhood”

and that was it. I was crying like a small child, while all three of my children witnessed the fragility in their mama.

I lost it!

Abang was empathetic. So did my children.

Yet, after seven years, I guess they’ve run out of consoling words.

“Mje ingat mje dah okay dah. Mje dah stop nangis. Mje dah stop pikir. Sebulan  puasa kali ni, sikit pun mje

tak doa for things to get back to where it used to be. Things won’t. Mje ingat mje dah redha, dah terima apa yang Allah dah takdirkan.”

Tapi, semalam dan hari ni, I lost it for nothing! 

‘Yup, setan memang setan! Tapi, Mje masih ada Allah. mengadulah dekat Dia, mcm yang Mje biasa buat, istiqomah lepas 7 tahun. Buatlah, walau mungkin mkn belasan atau puluhan tahun.’

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And here I am. Still crying.