Kg Baru

 Semalam, ada kereta MyVi hitam depan kereta kami, WNX5xxx .. soo familiar.. 

Terus Abg bunyi, "mak Daniel depan ni"...

And, as I was laughing ~ my chest felt so heavy literally ~ I just wanted to cry, and breath, all at once... so, all I could resort for was asking for the inhaler - one puff and the heaviness and tightness of the chest are all gone. 

Yup, I'm soo in need of the inhaler ~ pelik gak, sebab lelah dah lama gone when I was twelve. But the tiredness in my body (perhaps because of the hypothroid) is not helping much with my breathing. 

I don't miss Daniel, but I miss the memory - I miss Zarif and his kind family too.. 

Yup, those memories when Mamiton was nursing and babysitting them, and I was freely and always available in Kg Baru watching over them. 

Indeed, I miss Kg Baru. 

I really do. 

It have been years, and that much, I never stop making du'a that Allah gives me courage to have those moments back where I am freely be around in Kg Baru. 

But, it has never been easy with me. 

Every time the mentions about Kg Baru and everything related to it would make it difficult for me to breath. 

We passed Kg Baru several times, and my eyes would be teary ~ I would stare at the pink house, and wondering how is everyone doing. 

Earlier this month, Aidan and his friends were in Kg Baru, and they did went to Kedai Nasi Lemak Kak Sham for breakfast - I knew that deep inside, my son missed that beautiful place too. 

Can't Speak, Can't Eat

It was an experience!

Definitely something that I need to jot it down ~ 

...

It was lunch at Simpang 5.

My hypothyroid is not getting any better in time, yet, over lunch just now, I didn't had it easy.

I was struggling. 

I was trying to swallow the food, and needed me to chew more than I could. 

Honestly, it was tiring!

Yes, I was tired from eating ~ not because of too much food, but it was hard for my jaw to chew.

It must have been the cold weather, not as cold as anyone could imagine. 

But, it was hard, it was an experience. 

My jaw was soaring; and just like I had it before, when I found it hard to recite during my al-layl prayers... things not getting better .. not it becoming hard even when I wanted to swallow my food. 

The kids were on the same table, yet they could hardly understand.

My hubby did!

"Sabarlah, manje. Makan slow-slow, makan mana mampu"

and yes, I knew, he saw my tears ... 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal..

May Allah accepted my tawbah and forgive me for all my sins. 

Ameen

Masih ada rindu

Tiba-tiba, airmata dia berderai. Jatuh gugur. Lama dah tak nangis tiba-tiba... 

Sakit rindu tu lagi pedih dari sakit kena chemo. 

Sakit rindu tu merobek-robek dada tak terungkap dengan bahasa. 

Sakit rindu tu takkan habis sampai bila-bila. 

...

My determined Aivey

Copy paste my status in FB to this more limited space for memory sake - it wasn't good memory and I know, even Aivey would remember this when she grow up..

The day she got so strong when her best friend told her she's not good enough for the team.

...

Mama pos gambar Aivey sini
…
Subhanallah, this small-built girl is one strong lady whom I am still clueless where she get the strength from!!!

Dia membesar dok tengok mama nangis, mama baring terjelepok, mama tak larat, mama tido.. (i slept at 8 semalam, tu yg terjaga tengah malam ni, alhamdulillah)

She has always been my ‘adult’ comforting me (and aboh too lah kan)..when I was sad, break down and burst out.

Yesterday, I cried again - and this time it was for her.
…
I picked her up lambat from school semalam. She said she wanted to practice her recorder. She’s been trying her very best to gain the skill the day bila teacher made the announcement about the TalentShow (which I have ‘issues’ with).

Ingat lagi masa dia balik lepas the announcement day.
‘Ma, I have no talent! Saya nak join xxx main recorder, and she asked me, ”do you have the talent!” I want to start learning ma!’
As mama Zur’ain, I convinced her that she could have it if she tried. And so, she did!
She bought the recorder from her pocket money.. beli kat DIY RM12. She watched the YouTube and wrote the notes and learned from her friends too.. I was impressed that she could self-taught herself within two weeks. Memanglah tak expert…

Last two days, she was telling me how much she looked forward for the sunday training with the girls.. Tapi, mama rasa lebih nak gi lepak and mandi pool je kot… 🤭

And petang semalam, when I picked her up at school, sayup-sayup dari jauh dengar bunyi recorder.. but this time dah tak baper off tune macam sebelum2 ni.. It was her!

Masuk kete, she told me, “Ma, saya tak main recorder lah. xxx kata dah penuh!”
I know something was not right, and so I asked!
“Saya tak pandai main. Tak sedap. So, tadi masa going home time, xxx cakap she had to kick me off, sebab dah penuh. It’s ok lah Ma!”
Terus my defensive mama mode switched on..

I’m not into commenting about the talent show and the school despite I do feel there’s a lot of missing goodness elements in it…
I ust want to share the strength Aivey reflected that evening when I picked her up and she told me she got kicked up by her friend…

She didn’t shed a tears!
“Awak tak sedih ke Vy?”
‘Why should I?’
“You’ve been practicing hard. You don’t even know how to tiup and now you could tell which is G notes, A notes and all. You’ve been planning for this Sunday practice. Out of sudden, you are out! I’d be sad if I were you!”
‘I don’t see why I must be sad, ma. I am mad. Saya marah sebab suddenly they have enough team, but before this they were ok. Saya marah sikit. But I don’t see why must I be sad and cry and all.. it’s not the end of the world! I can still live on.’

wow!!! Budak kecik ni tak pernah fail ajar mana nak hidup macam mana..
I was speechless listening to her khutbah. I was crying masa tu.. Rasa frustrated bila orang buat anak saya, and I couldn’t be at much help! We hugged and we are ok.

“You can always do other talent Vy! Teacher Fad cakap you are good at arithmetic!”
‘No need lah Mama.. I don’t like to be on stage alone by myself!’
…

Agghhh…
it’s human nature to be inclusive!
I know I would still feel sad when I saw those postings by my close relatives attending weddings, tunang, kenduri and makan2 and I was not in the pictures.
It wasn’t easy to stay strong and say ‘i’m ok!’

I was insisting for aivey to tell me that she’s not ok. I told her she shouldn’t hide her feelings.
‘it’s ok lah mama… i don’t cry, so, you should not cry too! we should just be good je, kan mama?’

Allahuakbar.. mana datang darah pahlawan dia ni?

It’s a harsh world out there, and mama always want the best of you.. Indeed you are the best for us! Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, jaga dia molek untuk yang baik-baik, Allahumma ameen.
…

Apparently.. I did asked her the details.. and this is more heartbroken, 

"Ma, Ayra knew that the Talentshow is postponed to February - which should be long enough to practice my skill...."

and so I asked her what did Ayra said on that day?

"She said they were so many people, so she asked me if I have other instruments that I can play? so I told her i can plan keyboard, but Ayra said she will be playing keyboard. And then, I told her I could play the xylophone, and she said no and she said I cannot join them!"

Aivey is one strong girl that not in me. 

I am still shedding tears when I remember how hard she's been practicing her recorded, so hard. 

I can vividly hear that recorded sound (or maybe noise) and how much she has improved so that she can join the talentshow... she just wanted to be inclusive.. and I can never stop feeling sad when I felt people that matters stayed away from me and stop including me in their life. 

and that was why I cried. and still crying..

As I asked Aivey, why are you not crying... she said, "I'm not sad. So I don't have to cry. But yes, I am mad!"

May Allah bless you for your patience, dear. 

It is possible

I brokedown, again, as I’m writing this.

I wanted to share my feelings in the FB, but I guess it is best suited to be keep here..

So that, when Aidan, Aimar, Aivey read this blog as I am no longer valid, they knew as mama was waiting in the car for Aivey to complete her kumon and Aboh was working offshore, I just brokedown.

I cried.

An-Nahl 16:90

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Sesungguhnya Allah menyuruh berlaku adil, dan berbuat kebaikan, serta memberi bantuan kepada kaum kerabat; dan melarang daripada melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar serta kezaliman. Ia mengajar kamu (dengan suruhan dan laranganNya ini), supaya kamu mengambil peringatan mematuhiNya.

Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving [help] to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

...

I had my blood test done with Rozi two months ago - my TSH was so high, which means my thyroid hormone is low. I had our weekly tadabbur at Taman Tugu and it was during the walkabout, I went all black, and fainted. Shasha was there, and she was fasting - the park was nothing for any normal person.. obviously, not me. Shasha said I was having 'fit' back then. 

Anyway, to cut it short, Rozi asked me to see an endocrinologist. And so, I went and set my appointment with Dr Shamin. 

Dia bagi thyroxin to makan everyday for a month... so, after one month, I went and visited her last Tuesday. 

Not much of an improvement - sebab iron sangat2 takde perubahan, hemoglobin masih bawah average... maka, dia nak setelkan hal darah dulu... 

Lepas tu, Dr Shamin pelik... 'why is your prolactin so high ye?'..

"what's prolactin, doc?"

'it's hormone for breastfeeding mom to produce milk'

a-ha! spot on!!

"well, since the chemo & radio, I do have milk coming out from my body - it was quite a lot last time, but it has reduced. nowadays, if i were to squeeze and force it out, there'll be some drops"...

Maka, di situ mulalah Dr Shamin faham - so, she's putting me for MRI scan in ten days time. 

The thing about MRI is that, I do have traumatic experiences with it - coming from where I had been before, it's all about cancer... 

The machine is so 'annoyingly' difficult to handle.. you can't move, you have to stay still and it is so noisy and take ages! 

Alhamdulillah for I'm the type of those who could simply fell asleep despite the noise. 

So, it was only the first time that I didn't sleep, and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I did fell asleep. 

After 8 years, Dr Shamin mentioned it, and I just have mixed feeling about it. 

I can smell the chill of the room, the coolest place in the ground floor of the hospital, the me alone while the technician watching the scanning process, and my hubby outside the changing room, waiting for me to come out in no time.... 

I never like MRI. And that was why I set the date when my husband is back onshore. Even he couldn't do much and will just roam around when I'm doing my MRI, the idea of seeing him before I enter the room and coming out to look for him and he'll be there is soothing enough, Alhamdulillah..

I hope the result won't be anything serious. 

...

It just that at this late hour, I just feel like crying. I just miss the thought of me missing to be around my only nephew that I never met! I knew him, but he never had the chance to know his Mama Ain (yet, insyaallah).. I really wanted to spoiled him. I really wanted to tell him how he could be great like his cousins Abang Aidan and Abang Aimar. I really wanted to him to know how much I pray for his wellbeing when I knew the news he is in her mom's womb. 

We won't know what will happen in the future. 

No matter how great the machines were built to predict health, it is still being built by men. 

The Creator that built men is The Greatest - He knows!

...

If I never had the chance to talk and play and see how Iean grow, I hope that my children could tell him in person, "Iean, Mama Ain do loves you! Be a good soleh son to your parents, and you'll be just fine, Allahumma ameen"

It's funny how one could miss someone they never met, but it's possible!

45 years, Alhamdulillah

I started typing in the title of the blog on my birthday... and had 'dump' it in silent since. 

Alhamdulillah, I was 45 years last week.

Alhamdulillah, I was celebrating my birthday, just as long as I've remembered it - not celebrating it. It was a beautiful gesture when mama called me up as early as 9am, invited me for the morning coffee with abah - usually, they would be out for coffee at 10am - that day, they made it one hour early, remembering my birthday. 

...

As for my kids - Aivey wished me the night before, Aidan called early in the morning, Aimar called later in the evening, and my hubby was back in one piece from KK on my birthday - asking if the kids had greeted me. 

And that was it. 

I wasn't expecting for anything - but, it would be great if......

it would be great if, if, if... so, I'll just reserved the if. 

...

How was my birthday?

Alhamdulillah ... 'ala kulli haal 

Turned back and ran away

I don't understand how people can just pretend things are ok when things are not. 

It's horrible ~ it's true, it is best to be kind rather... but that shouldn't be the reason for one to conceal the truth, as much as how hurtful the truth would be!

It's horrible to smile when you know how pretentious one could be. 

Worst still when the one who is pretending is yourself. 

Don't you hate it?

It's even worst when you heard that because of your pretense, people think you are okay. As a matter of fact, people think you are happier than ever. While you, struggling to put up a straight stable hands, so that the shivering could disappear and every muscle in your body not pushing yourself as hard as you felt when you were being pretentious. 

People hate faker, yet, people are being a faker themselves. 

Boo-hoo!

It's horrible when one could just shook and kissed you hand, hugged you with big smile and all gone when the moment you turned back... all gone because she was pretending when she shook you hand, kissed it and hugged you and smiled. she wasn't being truthful. 

Even worst when she told your mom it was you who turned away when all you did was turning back to pick up your stuff so that you could sit nearer to them. 

It's not bad - i chose the wrong word. 

It's just sad. 

and I'm still crying. 

Go away, depression. Please!

 I learn something about the depressed people

…

selalu tertanya org yang bunuh diri sebab depressed ni, diorang takde iman ke? diorang ingat bunuh diri tu jalan keluar ke? 

selalu tertanya org yang duk kurung diri sebab depressed ni, diorang tak bukak Quran ke? diorang tak zikir bebanyak ke?

…

Listen to me - Quran and zikir itulah peneman orang yang betul2 tengah depressed. 

Bila rasa takde sapa nak ngadu, rasa kosong… Allah benar2 rasa dekat, tempat nak sembang… kadang2, urat2 dah tak larat, terjelepok terbaring je, perut berbunyi lapar tapi nak makan nak mengunyah tak larat, muka dah sembab nangis, air mata non-stop keluar dalam solat luar solat… tak tahu dah nak doa apa.. diri sendiri tak tahu apa yang kita nak, apa yang kita rasa, apa yang kita perlu.

Kalau syaitan mampu cucuk jarum, kau mula persoal kenapa Allah turun ujian ni kat ko. Kau mula nak start compare kenapa orang buat ko hepi je. Kenapa ko try jadi baik tapi masih ada orang khianat.

Paling teruk bila ko start self-blaming yourself, rasa tak syukur, rasa zalim, lupa diri, kalah takmo bersabar, sombong… sume rasa yang buat orang lain tak salah but you.

Dan tak terkejut, ada gak ko rasa, ‘Ya Allah, aku nak jumpa ko, Ya Allah. Aku nak ko amik nyawa aku, Ya Allah’

Allahuakbar 

Astaghfirullah.

Masa tu, kau kena kuat. Kau betul2 kena istighfar.Kau kena sungguh2 ingatkan diri kau yang rasa sakit yang ntah kenapa tu kejap je ~ Allah nak suruh kau sabar sabar sabar… Allah nak kau sembang ngan Dia sebab Dia bukan tak tahu apa kau rasa, Dia nak kau sendiri tahu yang Dia ada… simpan Dia rapat2, jaga Dia…Kau kena ulang2 mintak Allah tolong kau

Istighfar… istighfar .. istighfar.. itu yang paling tenang… magic istighfar ni, especially bila kau betul2 mengharap sandaranNya, kau baca 4,5 kali je pun, insyaallah… akan datang rasa tenang..

Bukanlah lepas tu kau rasa ok. Tapi bisik perlahan2 kat dalam hati kau, ‘kejap je rasa ni.. Allah nak kau sabar kejap je… ‘.. ikut tips Rasulullah SAW… tengok orang yang diuji teruk dari kau… apalah sangat ngan ujian ko.. sedara sendiri boikot ko tak ajak gi mkn2, ada orang mati anak mak ayah tak leh nak jumpe gi makan pun sampai kiamat - itu pun kalau kau dapat masuk syurga cam diorg.. itu contoh ujian…takde kait mengait yang hidup atau mati..

Hei you, depression is real, and being mentally defeated is soooooooo horribly sakit as compared to physically pain masa chemo and radio… cuma keep reminding yourself, Allah kan ada. Alhamdulillah 

Depression is real

I'm the generation that is build to shut off emotion, and that depression, grief and sadness are not mental sickness. 

Does that make me a 'bad' person with no 'empathy'?

The before-me-now might want to justify from the tip of my hair to my toes that I wasn't a bad person, I did have empathy and still do and those are depressed, grieving and being sad are those who are 'weak'..

But that was the before-me-now. 

Today, as I looked on the Whatsapp status of my cousins whom I still in touch with, and saw them ( everyone but me) were comfortably seated on the VIP stand to watch the Merdeka Parade, I cried ~ for no reason... 

That wasn't the first time!

Now that Abang has his own onshore-offshore shift, things hasn't been as 'easy' for me ~ I cried a lot, alone, in my room, just feeling sad and depressed. I was grieving... over things that out of my control.. over things that beyond my reach. 

I felt bad to myself. 

I cried and cried and cried until I refused to eat and got tired. 

I slept and let Aivey be all by herself, in hope that she would sleep when her time for sleep reached the limit. 

I felt so weak and it lasted until the next morning ..

No doubt, tahjud really soothed me out!

It gave comfort. 

Talking to Him, all the time, always the best medicine. 

Yet, I still cried when things get rough... 

When I felt isolated and feeling being ignored.. 

And I would talk to Him over and over again.. 

Not asking Him why I felt that way..but 'bitching' about those heartless people who never care.

I don't have the heart to do that to others. 

I don't like it because I don't like people to do it on me. 

Yet, I still find people keep doing to me. 

And I wonder why?

.... and I actually know why ~ because Allah wants me to talk to Him. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.. 

What is JOY?

 I've been thinking about what brings me joy?

Is it when my children got good scores at school? Is it when my hubby bring big bonus from work? Is it when I am all filled up and had good me-time rest??

Alhamdulillah bini'matihi tatimus solihaati... All the rizq that Allah has given me is countless. Fullstop..

I would always define joy as the time when we will be call upon to enter Jannah

[Al-Fajr 28-30]

يَٰٓأَيَّتُهَا ٱلنَّفۡسُ ٱلۡمُطۡمَئِنَّةُ (27) ٱرۡجِعِيٓ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةٗ مَّرۡضِيَّةٗ (28) فَٱدۡخُلِي فِي عِبَٰدِي (29) وَٱدۡخُلِي جَنَّتِي (30)

“O the tranquil soul!Return to your Lord, well pleased and pleasing [to Him].Join My [righteous] slaves,and enter My Paradise.” Indeed, this is the ultimate joy ~ when Allah is pleased with us, and when we get the invites to be in the Paradise, joining the others, Ameen. 
Therefore, my work here is to find joy, to please Allah and be His righteous slaves for His Jannah. 

May Allah gives me and all of us the strength to find the enternity joy, Allahumma Ameen

Fokus!

 Masih belum ada disiplin nak tulis macam dulu-dulu lagi...

...

Masih rasa perlu untuk menulis sebab teralu banyak cerita yang lepas yang tak mungkin terulang dan akan luput dalam ingatan... 

Ada sebabnya turun 5 ayat pertama surah Al-'Alaq sebagai wahyu pertama yang diterima Rasulullah SAW dari Allah SWT dengan pengantaranya Jibril RA, untuk diri ini mentadaburri nikmat membaca dan menulis.... 

[Al-'Alaq 3-5]

ٱقۡرَأۡ وَرَبُّكَ ٱلۡأَكۡرَمُ (3) ٱلَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِٱلۡقَلَمِ (4) عَلَّمَ ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ مَا لَمۡ يَعۡلَمۡ (5)

Bacalah, dan Tuhanmu Yang Maha Pemurah, -Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan, -Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.

...

Alhamduillah, we went to Aivey's PTC last Saturday.. 
Aivey never had a formal exam / test ever... Zaman dia, diorang mansuhkan test untuk Darjah 1..lepas tu Covid and PKP and all sorts ... now, masih belum ada ura-ura nak hidupkan balik UPSR... sampai ke sudah, debar exam tu tak hadir2 dalam hidup dia.. huhuhu....

Of course I am worried for her.. 
Saya masih the old-school mom yang nak tengok level anak through test and exams.. Tapi, with the new system, nak paksa sekolah buat exam pun, payah gak..kalau sekolah buatkan, ada lak parents lain yang cakap Kementerian cakap tak payah...huhuhuhu

Huhuhuhuhu.. dilema the millineal generation!

...

Anyway, back to Aivey's PTC.. first thing first, Teacher bagitau "dia tak fokus kak! semua teachers pun reported the same!"

and that was not new to her! Setiap kali PTC, it would be the same issue - tak focus. Yet, it didn't effect her understanding in learning... except for BM and those subjects in Bahasa..huhuhuhu

Aimar dulu pun (dan mungkin sampai hari ni) ada masalah tak boleh fokus dalam kelas ni. Cikgu dok pesan, bagi dia extra latihaan from home so that he would be occupied.. masalahnya, dah bagi latihan pun, dia cepat-cepat siap lepas tu lalalalalala..

Bila teacher cakap tak fokus ni, maknanya tak duduk diam... 

Teacher bagi kerja, dia siap cepat, pastu dia resah gelisah... 

As for Aivey, lagi tambah masalah, bila tak fokus, dia pi kacau kawan and disturb class..huhuhuh stress lak mama dengar!

To some extent, dah level bully (Alysa,especially) lak jadinya..huhuhuhu

And if she had to sit still, she would sleep..Level ngantuk dia, melampau gak lah..sampai teacher suruh berdiri pun, dia boleh sambung tido...

Mama, cry now!

...

Macam-macam peel anak ni. 

Orang kata budak tak duduk diam ni budak pandai... 

Alhamdulillah... 

Antara Aidan, Aimar, Aivey... level tak duduk diam ni, memula ingat Aimar yang win.. tapi, lepas PTC baru ni, I had to give it Aivey.. huhuhuh

Aidan is so mama, skema, fokus... sume on-point.. 

Aimar, Aivey - bukan mama, nak cakap aboh tu, tak boleh nak main tuduh sebab kami tak membesar sama.. tapi, i have big gut feeling the young ashraf was so like Aimar and Aivey..hahaha

Alhamdulillah

For whatever, I have one secret recipe... doa mintak Allah jaga depa semua. Ya Allah, jangan sedetik cuma pun Kau biarkan kami uruskan diri kami, Ya Allah.. Ameen Allahumma Ameen.

Indeed, mama yakin Allah jaga anak-anak mama... dan mama harap sangat-sangat, anak-anak jaga Allah..sebab bila kita jaga Allah, Allah jaga kita.. 

Check diri - solat on time tak?

Ada infaq sedekah tak?

Buat baik kat orang tak?

Spread salam and kindness tak?

Ada nyusahkan orang tak?

...

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey ... jaga Allah selagi nyawa dikandung badan. 

Nak fokus tak susah - put the right intention on what you want to do, put Allah as your intention, and all wil good, insyaallah. 

Forgive us, Ya Allah

 Without me realizing, I've written so many things about my life in this blog. 

The posts count reached 394, and of course, some of the posts had never been published at all... the good thing about having own blog - you could pick what to publish and what not.

And that make me wonder ~ since 2009 and 2022.. those are a few of thoughts that I've put in my blog. Being it been published or not, I still could read it and I have mixed feelings - most post before my Cancer Era, was 'horrifying' ~ my adab was waaaaaaaaaaaaay in the bin, my language was inappropriately vulgar and my head was haywired ~

I wanted to keep everything in draft - just for my own reading.. but some, I just couldn't ... not because I was proud of what I wrote ... but I hope, it could remind my kids, "how could mama said that?".. so that they knew how regretful mama was for being bad!

and so I could remind myself, if those things were said and done, at least I could redone it by deleting or putting them in draft mode ~ but the content was still there ~ and what happened during the hearing at the Hereafter. 

Astaghfirullullah... Ya Allah, forgive us Ya Allah..

Only from Your Mercy could we be save from the Hellfire. 

Forgive us, Ya Allah. 

Writers don't write

I can never write my own book ~ I doubt that many writers would manage to do that.. I always wonder why it is so difficult to write our own story when it was a direct first-hand experience from within us?

I guess, I know the answer. 

"If I were to write my own story, I doubt that the reader would agree with me that it is a real life story ~ just like many others, I would also think it would be too good to be real... "

and the follow suit remarks would be ~ a-ha, she's a writer!

And that's why writers don't write their own non-fiction real life story!

...

I want to give you the world

I received a phone call from Aimar's Head Warden.. historically, when I saw the number, what cross in my mind is 'I hope he didn't get into horrible terrible trouble'..getting into trouble could be big possiblity, so, I pray it's not 'as bad'...

Gosh! I was wrong this time ~ padan muka! Baru dengar kelas Ust Muein, ayat Al-Hujurat 49:12:

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱجۡتَنِبُواْ كَثِيرٗا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمٞۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُواْ وَلَا يَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن يَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِيهِ مَيۡتٗا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابٞ رَّحِيمٞ

O you who believe, avoid much of the suspicion, for some suspicions are sin. Do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would surely abhor it. So fear Allah. Indeed, Allah is Accepting of Repentance, Most Merciful. 

I was told that Aimar was down with fever, and Co19 positive..huhuhuh..cry now!

...

I was lucky that nothing bad happened to Aimar.. kesian gak kat dia... honestly, I felt so bad throughout my 21/2 hours drive from KL to Kemaman. Sampai je asrama, tengok dia terjelepok atas lantai bilik quarantine, lagi rasa macam 'alahai anak mama!'

Aimar memang tak selalu sakit ~ tapi, antara tiga beradik, bila bab sakit, dia paling tak kuat.. Aidan salalunye stronger than anyone..tapi, Aivey lagi best ~ I could hardly remember dia sakit.. tetibe sakit, tetibe dah baik.. Alhamdulillah

Aimar, kalau demam, memang meracau.. Dia nampak parrot lah, nampak lanun lah... hahaha ~ banyak tengok Pirate the Carribean kot... 

...

I had to bring him home.. It was a long journey ~ I was tired and sleepy that I slept for good half hour in the car at the RnR Perasing before embarking to KL. Alhamdulillah ~ Aimar slept thru out the journey. I was told that he vomitted once back at school and hadn't had any food since the night before. (We went to McD Kerteh drive-thru before set up to KL)

I was thankful that there were rain here and there, but not as bad as I dreaded of.. alhamdulillah. 

It was only when we reached Karak, that the traffic started to build up and by then, it was nearly maghrib time. Aivey been calling me few times which didn't help my concentration.. A 45-mins (usually) journey extended to 2 hours due to bad traffic... and by the time we reached Tol Gombak, I was drained! 

Ye lah... dari kul 10pagi sampai 9mlm kot kat dlm kete.. it was soooo tiring.. masa tu lah baru nak rindu yang amat sangat dengan En Ashraf..huhuuhuh

Dah sampai rumah, I took my bath, and went to check out on Aimar which I was then told (and smelled and saw) he vomitted in front of the toilet door (sebab Aivey locked the access to toilet from the boys room and he couldn't get to the toilet)...Aimar was so weak then, and I knew I have no choice to clean up his mess.. huhuhuhu... Lama tak cuci muntah anak... hadam je kan lah kan..

He vomitted 4 times that night ~ and I was just tired! 

Of course I was worried for him. 

...

Anyway, all was good the day after. Made him mama's special salmon grilled and he took two pieces and all good.. at least, after nearly 36 hrs of no good food, he managed to makan without throwing out. 

...

But that is not what I want to write today ~ I want to write about how I felt as a mom ~

I am a very 'positive' person, as most people perceived it. And alhamdulillah, I am a good cheerleader & competitive too... I guess, that would be among the major motivations for both Aidan & Aimar to put their best in everything they want to do ~ Mama would love it and would support it. 

Aimar has been telling me he wanted to took part with the sports events which was due this week. Unfortunately, he was among the 6 students diagnosed for Co19 and we accepted it. 

So, no olahraga and bola tampar for him, despite of he'd been putting all time and effort trainings. Huhuhuhu.. I really don't mind him not joining, but I knew he wasn't.. He posted on insta the day he was diagnosed:

and that hurts me so much... though I knew he was ok. I guess, every mom's nature would have mixed feeling of I want you to be healthy and happy ~ it should come together.. but many so often, health are not in sync in happiness.. like these days, when all a mom could wish was her son to be able to run for the sports day for he had been working on it for the past days, been talking about it and all.... 

Kesian anak mama sorang tu.. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal, we all know that Allah's plan is the best..so, maybe next year, insyaallah. 

...

Update: the writeup were writting a week ago, but I just realized that I haven't posted it out. 

 

Alhamdulillah, Aimar is all good and well ~ he's back in the hostel ~ it just that he was still recovering, low in antibody that he got the flu with 30 others from school but they were all ok, ameen. 

Reassurance

 Subhanallah

I was disturbed since last night ~ perhaps I was just so tired, being stuck in horrible traffic from Karak to Gombak for nearly two and half hours. Ealier today, I decided to write a post in this blog... an 'intimate' emotional blog, a blast from the past ~ I even published the post:

and honestly, I was sooo relieved after I posted it, without any guilt feelings hoarding over me (which usually would happen if I felt guilty being too honest in my blog and end up putting the post back to draft)...

Alhamdulillah ~ and so I thought! I've said it and I knew I've speak 'the truth', truly from my heart. 

Only to be getting a knock, a hard one, on my head, which touched my heart. Alhamdulillah...

...

As I was eating my lunch-or-dinner (could be both), I browsed the FB watch and stumble upon DrMaza clip. I didn;t really listen / watch DrMaza because his clip would normally take more than 5 minutes and if I were to watch more than 5 minutes clip, I need pen and paper!

But, I watched that clip. 

He was telling me about Moses's mom ~ how empty she felt when she let go of her son by the river, not knowing what was going to happen to him! DrMaza recite the verse from the Quran:

[Al-Qasas 28:10]

وَأَصۡبَحَ فُؤَادُ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ فَٰرِغًاۖ إِن كَادَتۡ لَتُبۡدِي بِهِۦ لَوۡلَآ أَن رَّبَطۡنَا عَلَىٰ قَلۡبِهَا لِتَكُونَ مِنَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِينَ

The heart of Moses’ mother became restless; she was about to disclose it, had We not reassured her heart so that she would maintain her faith [in Allah’s promise].

..which in return, touched my heart!

......

Subhanallah, I am no sane, not as near as pious as Moses's mom...but, by being triggered to listen to that 17 mins clip on FB watch for no reason, is something!

When I was so distressed last night, I asked Allah.. I wasn't asking why people do bad things for I myself did the same. What I don't understand, how could people pretend that nothing had happened after all the torments, the conflicts, the bad accusations and all? How could people thought that the duit raya that they wanted to give to my kids would made up all the time when we were abandoned when we got nothing but You? How could people, you own blood relatives able to give you a cheek-to-cheek hug when they met you because they thought time had heal and you were ok?

I'm not okay. 

I doubt I would ~ but I trust I have Allah to comfort me. 

As a matter of fact, I thank them for they drew me close to Allah. and I never stop praying that Allah brings them closer to Him just like He does to me. 

I am so comfortable with where I am now, that I am worry that I would be abandon for my own mistake taking Allah for granted, na'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, never ever let me manage myself, not even a split second or in a blink of eyes ~ 

Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakeel

...

Back to Moses's mom, Al-Qasas 10-13 were verses about a mom's feelings and loves... She was given an ilham to just 'sail' her baby off down the river Nile, and she did it for she was guided. But she's a human, and most importantly, she's a mom. She was worried the instant she did it. Her heart felt empty and she nearly wanted to tell everyone about it. 

Subhanallah, exactly how I felt when I was writing my post yesterday.. I wasn't sure how I felt ~ I was mad, I was tired, I was angry and all sorts... and my mind couldn't shut off from the incidence that happened years ago... I still feel bad, I still feel like an outcast and I know I will still feel it until I heard their explanation of why they did what they did ~ all I ever wanted is to talk, peacefully, and to know the truth from their side of stories.. 

But it seems far. That was why I resorted to just be kind and put it a pause. 

But what a liar I am if I told everyone, I'm ok, I'm fine, we're ok! We are not okay. 

What I've gone thru all by myself, alhamdulillah, my my husband and anak3, was not something ok! It was horrible what they did to me. 

And here I am, was invited to the walimah, something that is obligated on a muslim, their walimah, as if nothing ever happened between us. 

I was invited like I was a distance outsider rather than a girl who grew up with them. 

I was invited formally, kindly and that was it.

Nope, I'm not family ~ I do not have to buy those baby blue theme dress that they are going to where because I'm not part of them. 

I was invited to sit and eat and come with any colour of clothing and leave after I eat. 

I was invited at specific location and time. 

Alhamdulillah.

I am sad, I am mad.

and listening to the clip about Al-Qasas 10-13 is enough. Alhamdulillah. 

It's funny for I never made du'a and asked Allah about how should I reacted on the invite. 

But Allah knows! He knows what is outside, and moreover inside us. 

Allah knows the future just like when He asked Moses mom to do something unthinkable for He knew!

O Allah, help me, Ya Allah. Guide me to the path that You redha. Steer me to your tawfiq, Ya Alah. And never let me manage myself for I am such a fool and I am those who at lost if I was not guided by You, wa a'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, my nafs still in doubts, lots of doubts, on what should I do ~ but I pray to You, Ya Allah, do reassure my heart just like you did to Moses's mom, so that I would maintain in faith and be Your obedience slave, Ya Allah. 

Ameen Allahumma Ameen.

Why do I need a 2nd degree?

Alhamdulillah, I completed all the five exams for the Semester, in hoping & praying hard that I would still got the chance to proceed to the next semester, on scholarship. 

...

What have I learned so far?

If I were to technically answer that question, I would say, I learned Aqeedah 101, Fiqh 101, Tajweed 101, Arabic 101 and Adaab 101. 

But, I know, I learned more than what those subjects were...indeed.

Alhamdulillah. 

...

As much as I could recall, I remembered each and every sights of the faces thrown to me by my three kids when I told them, "I got a scholarship to learn online."

Aimar asked me, "Doing Masters?"

And so I told him, "Nope. Mama sambung buat 2nd degree, a four year full-time online courses." 

So, Aidan asked me, "2nd degree in?"

"Islamic Studies."

Aivey asked, "and after that?"

"What after that?"

Aidan asked to clarify, "You gonna teach? or what's next?"

...

My kids were totally confused - and I don't blame them. I was them, before. Alhamdulillah. I am blessed with an extra intelligence as compared to my other siblings, and cousins that I got to boarding school and even went to oversea when the economic turned down most of my batchmate dreams and they could just further their degree studies locally instead of going abroad. 

I got a good result for my IB, that I got into one of the good engineering school in the UK, back in 1997.. alhamdulillah... I was offered a place in IC, which would be a dream of most engineering students, but I didn't get the course that I wanted to learn; so, I settled for UMIST.

(and at times me writing this, sadly, there's no more UMIST as it has merged under the University of Manchester wings... so, those who knew, knows!)

...

After finishing school, I got a job as an engineer.. though I was expecting for the bigger player in the industries, I was lucky enough to be employ by a small local company which I adored so much, Alhamdulillah..

In fact, that small local company was the reason I could 'boast' to my kids, "I was in Baghdad as a lady engineer when king Saddam Hussein was still alive and in power and I love Iraq!"

Alhamdulillah

...

Ok, to cut things short, after 14 years working, which i finally settled with working with my 'dream company'... I retired and became a not working mom at home... That was 8 years ago ~ and I still don't consider I'm a full time housewife for I didn't do much of a typical housewife thingy works.. Alhamdulillah... I have the coolest husband for me, Alhamdulillah.

...

So, why do I need to trouble myself to further up my studies when I had it all done back then? What more do I want? 

...

The final exam gave me a nudge! I realized, it wasn't as 'easy' as I thought it would be ~ not the classes, the modules or the lessons... but the learnings. 

I've been a Muslim for the entire 45 years of my life. 

I know my aqeedah is tawheedullah, belief in Allah and The One and Only God, Laailaha illallah. Yet, learning Aqeedah 101 made me realized I didn't have any knowledge of who I'm worshipping.. Astaghfirullah...Most of us got steer away with aqeedah, without know what aqeedah and tawheed are!

Ok, don't let me started with fiqh and the madhabs.. really, there were more than 4 madhabs in the Islamic world? And really, there were times where they were four camps of the major madhabs surrounding the Kaabah so that people can pray according to their madhabs? Really??????

Alhamdulillah.. Arabic is quite easy for me and I guess for most of the students..but wait, why would they even bother to segragate the moon and the sun letter????

I love Tajweed very much! Subhanallah... I always wanted to learn how to read the Quran appropriately. I remembered telling my hubby, I wanted to enrol to Quranic class with a one-to-one ustadhah.... And having Tajweed, at 2:30am on Friday, on weekly basis, with a group 10 under 1 sheikha from Egypt was not something that I could have imagines. Mashaallah. I felt so humbled when I felt the love and mercy of Allah, and still am feeling such humbleness for I don't think I deserve such kindness, Subhanallah. 

Adaab 101? I remembered Aidan tellingme, that must be the easiest subject to score on. Oppss!!!! To everyone surprise, adaab is the most difficult subject to score, for real!!! Don't ask me, but one thing I learned ~ as simple as adaab need more effort than other 'basic' I thought should be!

...

So, as I was doing the exam for the past weeks, I prayed hard. I knew I could not afford to continue the study if I didn't get to continue on the scholarship. And I knew that I wanted to score with flying colours as it was supposed to be 'only the first semester'.

Only to realized, it would be His Mercy if I were to pass and continue on the scholarship. All I need is pray hard after all the effort I've put ~ not for the scholarship, but for the opportunity to learn things that I should learn loong ago, before anything!

...

Yup, when the kids asked me, "why do you need a 2nd degree? why don't you do the MEng instead? are you going to be a lecturer or something? are you going to work again?"

I told them, "I missed the opportunity to know about the wajib stuff I should know when I was younger ~ this is the beauty, Allah gave me the chance now, so that I can share it with you guys, insyaallah. I want to further up my studies so that I know. I want it, for Allah, lillahi!"

May Allah helps me in this path for if not, I'll always be at the losing side. 

Ya Allah, guides me, Ya Allah. 

Amiin allahumma amiin

You on scholarship! wuuhuu!

Alhamdulillah.. 

It's exam week, today till the 14th, insyaallah

...

What exams?

...

Alhamdulillah, early this year, I saw a post in FB. I never saw it before.. but I remember googling for online part time degree for Islamic Studies. 

I was overwhelmed with the Usrah QMap3T online, despite of it opened up my eyes and my heart, giving me nudges on lots of things that I thought I knew but I never knew... It was superbly highly regards and Subhanallah as I'm posting this, I do miss the session!

On the other hand..

I realized that I know soo little about Islam, the religion that I bear witness as my true religion. To me, bearing witness is sufficient that admitting Allah is the One and Only Robb and only Him that I worshipped, and the Prophet SAW is His messenger. 

Yet, as I've been given the rizq, Alhamdulillah, to learn more about the Quranic verse from the QMap3T sessions, I realized that there's a lot more I need to know. The basic of the shahadah. 

I realized that, I may know the meaning for some words, some the grammar of the Quran, and how to tadabbur those verses... but I realized that my Quran reading is still not at par as I should have gained! I need to do more.. I need to be better for my own good... and I need to know Islam. It is not fair for myself to bear witness that Islam is my true religion when I myself don't know everything about Islam. 

May Allah permits me to have the knowledge of everything a muslim should have, amiiin. 

...

I was looking for teacher to teach me Quran, and I was googling for the basic Islamic Studies online as well... 

That was when I stumbled upon the Knowledge International Online University. They were offering scholarships  for 50 students globally to proceed with BA in Islamic Studies, a full-time 100% online degree of 4 years. 

The requirement is to sit for the assessment and excelled. 

...

I tried my luck. 

When they announced the result, I checked my email and didn't received anything, so I knew I wasn't the top 50 students. 

It was a week before they started their official semester 1 class that I was approached by Bro Noor asking if I would like to take up the scholarship offer or not. 

Subhanallah, less that I knew I was shortlisted and I overlooked in the email that came in two days after the result was announced. 

Alhamdulillah..

...

Now that I was offered a place, I was sceptical. 

The scholarship cost USD945 per semester, but I need to make USD25 as a registration fees. 

I don't mind with the payment, but looking at the KIU profile, being backed by the Imam of Mekah, having great scholars like Dr Bilal, Sy Sajjid and many more in their team, I was sceptical. 

It is an online university platform based in Riyadh. 

I'm not sure if this is real, I should take up the offer or let it be.

I even did istikharah to ensure that Allah made it easy for me to decide should I proceed or not. 

...

Alhamdulillah...

When we joined the WhatsApp group, I saw one number from Malaysia and I reconnect with her directly. Alhamdulillah... A girl from Damansara (and I'm so blessed that we crossed path!)

I'll talked about the others in my next posting, Insyaallah. 

...

As for now, 

I'll skipped everything as I need to start my revision on Tajweed. 

Completed the Aqidah paper earlier, Alhamdulillah...

Break jap!

What more do I need?

 Allahuakbar..

Allah has been so kind to me! Subhanallah.... 

Honestly, at writing this post, I've got so many things on my plates: I got the Teachers' Day thingy I should be doing, I got to study for the revision, and I haven't got time for Quran myself ~

Huhuhu.. That what I thought!

Subhanallah, less that I know how kind Allah has been to me all along. 

...

I was telling Laili how much I missed spending time with the Quran. I haven't got any after I took up the KIU offer...

Laili told me, "make doa, ask for Allah to bless your time in whatever you do!"

and that's how Allah has been kind to me. That's how Allah answered my worries and queries. Just a simple as that!

Alhamdulillah...

....

I wanted to share my KIU journey..but I guess it's too early to talk about it. Just know, it has been a struggle now that I'm in the first semester, learning online full time. 

Ya Allah, You didn't let me into this without purpose! 

رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَٰذَا بَٰطِلٗا سُبۡحَٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

Our Lord, you have not created all this in vain. Glory be to You. Protect us from the punishment of the Fire. [Ali Imran 3:191]

While I'm overwhelmed with everything Allah has bestowed upon me, Alhamdulillah, I started asking myself... what more do I need when Allah gives me what I want?? 

Subhanallah... Allah never want any favour from us, yet, the favours is for us to use it wisely, for your end life ~ Subhanallah... 

Have we been His slave as we should?

For, even we haven't, He doesn't loss anything - it's our lost!

...

Alhamdulillah

Thank you Allah

Exclusively Excluded

When I put the intention to start writing again, I hope that I could put down wise words for my children to read when I am invalid and gone. 

I wish to write down about them - but then, I hardly have anything so strong that urge me to write down - perhaps I don't want to write things that I'm sure that it was unsure and if I were to write it down, i'd do more damaged that it has already done... like the story about Aimar, being denied from outings when all his friends were allowed to - it wasn't because the warden was being unfair, but it was his own mistake that the privilege had been taken away from him..... i don't have any intention to share it here or elsewhere about it - rest assured, things are back on feet, he's okay and he has always been in mama's prayer, insyaallah. 

Only today, during lunch with my parents, I felt a bit 'touched' and emotional. My mom wanted to go to the textile shop after the lunch. She would go there if there were event she is planning to go. 

'Nak cari kain nikah Ika.'

And that was it - that answer left me mute. 

It has been more than 5 years that we had the disagreement between the clan and myself. Actually, it might be less than or more than 5 years, honestly, I lost count of the days... as I always felt that it was just like yesterday and it still hurt, no matter how much I deny it. 

I know I did my part, my best part as what Allah said in the Quran, just like how the Prophet SAW been teaching - I did my part, alhamdulillah. 

It just that, it felt sad when things were not like it used to be. I'm sure I would be super busy if we were like we used to be. 

Alhamdulillah, I am super busy now. And I'm glad that I'm busy preparing my final semester assignments for the Islamic Studies degree I'm pursuing online.. I'll talk about it in my future posting, Insyaallah. 

I have no issue for not being invited to be part of them, wearing matching dresses and even invited to the wedding. Alhamdulillah. I really don't. 

But I'm not gonna lie, at time of writing this, I just feel like I'm missing something - and it just feel so horrible. 

...

My dear children, 

Don't ever do that to anybody! Nobody deserves to be excluded from anything. It wasn't the feeling of being forgotten that made you emotional; but the feeling of being forgotten by someone you can't forget for they were so closed to you that was horrifying. 

So, remember dear children of mine, 

Remember the feeling being excluded so that you'd remember to include everyone, no matter who they are. You never know, and you don't have to know, how significantly great that act could be to a person. 

If you'd forgotten, remember those days when out of blue, during our prayers, you'd see me crying and I'd just stay in the room... Those were the days I missed them the most... and I'm grateful that myd ear husband has always been supportive and understanding with my conditions. Alhamdulillah. 

Yup, once a while, I miss them, and I just want to cry. 

As Laili would say, Allah musta'an, amiin

I know this is what Allah has planned for us, and definitely the best, Alhamdulillah. 

When you just lose it

 I've been strong for so loooonnngggg

...

For the past two days, I've been at my best to be strong and stay strong - this fajr, I was defeated. It's not fair! It's pretty much not fair! 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal, All praise to Allah over every single things that happened. 

What she did to me is 'unfair'... as much as I wanted to stand firm for my ego, I would felt guilty - honestly, it wasn't that I was missing her or any of them. Wallahi, it's what Allah's concern - everytime I felt like I didn't do much to mend the broken silaturrahim, would be that day I would go to the IG and FB and stalked her. I lose it when I started texted her, and trust me, I wasn't expecting any reply for alhamdulillah, I knew that I was just preparing on The Meeting Day when I will be asked what I did and know that I did what I did, alhamdulillah. 

Yet, syaitan will never fail to mock and tease me. That was when my messages were neither being replied nor with just an 'ok'... The feeling of being mad, being low, being angry would triggered right away. 

...

So, all this while, I would have Abang around for raya - I guess, that's why I wasn't worry much about the soalan, raya mana tahun ni? Home is where the heart is, and I have my heart with me. So, I was ok. 

But not this raya. I was with the kids minus Abang. Our morning raya, after the prayers - was to go to Atok's only to find out they were out to Kg Baru... 

Kg Baru used to be my playground, but the last time I went there, back in 2018 (maybe), I was told to leave and never to come there - "ko pergi, pergi dari rumah ni, jangan datang-datang!"... and it always feel awkward whenever I came around after that - it has become just like many other house, strangers house; not where I was raised by. 

Nenek, Ain rindu. Ain rindu sesangat... 

Nenek, doa Ain nak mati macam nenek, mati dalam rumah Allah, dalam solat, dengan aurat terjaga rapi. Amiin. 

Nenek, Ain nak jumpe nenek kat syurga nanti, Amiin..

So, Atok wasn't home and the kids were hungry, so, we decided to have breakfast at the Pavilion - with those early visitors who weren't celebrating raya... Yup, our ketupat rendangs that morning of the Raya 1443H was Dome Chicken Pie, Pancakes, Fish & Chips and Spicy Chicken Wings, alhamdulillah. 

...

I've been staying strong on the day of raya and yesterday - it just that, this morning, I broke down!