My determined Aivey

Copy paste my status in FB to this more limited space for memory sake - it wasn't good memory and I know, even Aivey would remember this when she grow up..

The day she got so strong when her best friend told her she's not good enough for the team.

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Mama pos gambar Aivey sini
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Subhanallah, this small-built girl is one strong lady whom I am still clueless where she get the strength from!!!

Dia membesar dok tengok mama nangis, mama baring terjelepok, mama tak larat, mama tido.. (i slept at 8 semalam, tu yg terjaga tengah malam ni, alhamdulillah)

She has always been my ‘adult’ comforting me (and aboh too lah kan)..when I was sad, break down and burst out.

Yesterday, I cried again - and this time it was for her.
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I picked her up lambat from school semalam. She said she wanted to practice her recorder. She’s been trying her very best to gain the skill the day bila teacher made the announcement about the TalentShow (which I have ‘issues’ with).

Ingat lagi masa dia balik lepas the announcement day.
‘Ma, I have no talent! Saya nak join xxx main recorder, and she asked me, ”do you have the talent!” I want to start learning ma!’
As mama Zur’ain, I convinced her that she could have it if she tried. And so, she did!
She bought the recorder from her pocket money.. beli kat DIY RM12. She watched the YouTube and wrote the notes and learned from her friends too.. I was impressed that she could self-taught herself within two weeks. Memanglah tak expert…

Last two days, she was telling me how much she looked forward for the sunday training with the girls.. Tapi, mama rasa lebih nak gi lepak and mandi pool je kot… 🤭

And petang semalam, when I picked her up at school, sayup-sayup dari jauh dengar bunyi recorder.. but this time dah tak baper off tune macam sebelum2 ni.. It was her!

Masuk kete, she told me, “Ma, saya tak main recorder lah. xxx kata dah penuh!”
I know something was not right, and so I asked!
“Saya tak pandai main. Tak sedap. So, tadi masa going home time, xxx cakap she had to kick me off, sebab dah penuh. It’s ok lah Ma!”
Terus my defensive mama mode switched on..

I’m not into commenting about the talent show and the school despite I do feel there’s a lot of missing goodness elements in it…
I ust want to share the strength Aivey reflected that evening when I picked her up and she told me she got kicked up by her friend…

She didn’t shed a tears!
“Awak tak sedih ke Vy?”
‘Why should I?’
“You’ve been practicing hard. You don’t even know how to tiup and now you could tell which is G notes, A notes and all. You’ve been planning for this Sunday practice. Out of sudden, you are out! I’d be sad if I were you!”
‘I don’t see why I must be sad, ma. I am mad. Saya marah sebab suddenly they have enough team, but before this they were ok. Saya marah sikit. But I don’t see why must I be sad and cry and all.. it’s not the end of the world! I can still live on.’

wow!!! Budak kecik ni tak pernah fail ajar mana nak hidup macam mana..
I was speechless listening to her khutbah. I was crying masa tu.. Rasa frustrated bila orang buat anak saya, and I couldn’t be at much help! We hugged and we are ok.

“You can always do other talent Vy! Teacher Fad cakap you are good at arithmetic!”
‘No need lah Mama.. I don’t like to be on stage alone by myself!’
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Agghhh…
it’s human nature to be inclusive!
I know I would still feel sad when I saw those postings by my close relatives attending weddings, tunang, kenduri and makan2 and I was not in the pictures.
It wasn’t easy to stay strong and say ‘i’m ok!’

I was insisting for aivey to tell me that she’s not ok. I told her she shouldn’t hide her feelings.
‘it’s ok lah mama… i don’t cry, so, you should not cry too! we should just be good je, kan mama?’

Allahuakbar.. mana datang darah pahlawan dia ni?

It’s a harsh world out there, and mama always want the best of you.. Indeed you are the best for us! Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, jaga dia molek untuk yang baik-baik, Allahumma ameen.
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Apparently.. I did asked her the details.. and this is more heartbroken, 

"Ma, Ayra knew that the Talentshow is postponed to February - which should be long enough to practice my skill...."

and so I asked her what did Ayra said on that day?

"She said they were so many people, so she asked me if I have other instruments that I can play? so I told her i can plan keyboard, but Ayra said she will be playing keyboard. And then, I told her I could play the xylophone, and she said no and she said I cannot join them!"

Aivey is one strong girl that not in me. 

I am still shedding tears when I remember how hard she's been practicing her recorded, so hard. 

I can vividly hear that recorded sound (or maybe noise) and how much she has improved so that she can join the talentshow... she just wanted to be inclusive.. and I can never stop feeling sad when I felt people that matters stayed away from me and stop including me in their life. 

and that was why I cried. and still crying..

As I asked Aivey, why are you not crying... she said, "I'm not sad. So I don't have to cry. But yes, I am mad!"

May Allah bless you for your patience, dear.