It is possible

I brokedown, again, as I’m writing this.

I wanted to share my feelings in the FB, but I guess it is best suited to be keep here..

So that, when Aidan, Aimar, Aivey read this blog as I am no longer valid, they knew as mama was waiting in the car for Aivey to complete her kumon and Aboh was working offshore, I just brokedown.

I cried.

An-Nahl 16:90

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Sesungguhnya Allah menyuruh berlaku adil, dan berbuat kebaikan, serta memberi bantuan kepada kaum kerabat; dan melarang daripada melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar serta kezaliman. Ia mengajar kamu (dengan suruhan dan laranganNya ini), supaya kamu mengambil peringatan mematuhiNya.

Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving [help] to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

...

I had my blood test done with Rozi two months ago - my TSH was so high, which means my thyroid hormone is low. I had our weekly tadabbur at Taman Tugu and it was during the walkabout, I went all black, and fainted. Shasha was there, and she was fasting - the park was nothing for any normal person.. obviously, not me. Shasha said I was having 'fit' back then. 

Anyway, to cut it short, Rozi asked me to see an endocrinologist. And so, I went and set my appointment with Dr Shamin. 

Dia bagi thyroxin to makan everyday for a month... so, after one month, I went and visited her last Tuesday. 

Not much of an improvement - sebab iron sangat2 takde perubahan, hemoglobin masih bawah average... maka, dia nak setelkan hal darah dulu... 

Lepas tu, Dr Shamin pelik... 'why is your prolactin so high ye?'..

"what's prolactin, doc?"

'it's hormone for breastfeeding mom to produce milk'

a-ha! spot on!!

"well, since the chemo & radio, I do have milk coming out from my body - it was quite a lot last time, but it has reduced. nowadays, if i were to squeeze and force it out, there'll be some drops"...

Maka, di situ mulalah Dr Shamin faham - so, she's putting me for MRI scan in ten days time. 

The thing about MRI is that, I do have traumatic experiences with it - coming from where I had been before, it's all about cancer... 

The machine is so 'annoyingly' difficult to handle.. you can't move, you have to stay still and it is so noisy and take ages! 

Alhamdulillah for I'm the type of those who could simply fell asleep despite the noise. 

So, it was only the first time that I didn't sleep, and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I did fell asleep. 

After 8 years, Dr Shamin mentioned it, and I just have mixed feeling about it. 

I can smell the chill of the room, the coolest place in the ground floor of the hospital, the me alone while the technician watching the scanning process, and my hubby outside the changing room, waiting for me to come out in no time.... 

I never like MRI. And that was why I set the date when my husband is back onshore. Even he couldn't do much and will just roam around when I'm doing my MRI, the idea of seeing him before I enter the room and coming out to look for him and he'll be there is soothing enough, Alhamdulillah..

I hope the result won't be anything serious. 

...

It just that at this late hour, I just feel like crying. I just miss the thought of me missing to be around my only nephew that I never met! I knew him, but he never had the chance to know his Mama Ain (yet, insyaallah).. I really wanted to spoiled him. I really wanted to tell him how he could be great like his cousins Abang Aidan and Abang Aimar. I really wanted to him to know how much I pray for his wellbeing when I knew the news he is in her mom's womb. 

We won't know what will happen in the future. 

No matter how great the machines were built to predict health, it is still being built by men. 

The Creator that built men is The Greatest - He knows!

...

If I never had the chance to talk and play and see how Iean grow, I hope that my children could tell him in person, "Iean, Mama Ain do loves you! Be a good soleh son to your parents, and you'll be just fine, Allahumma ameen"

It's funny how one could miss someone they never met, but it's possible!