Thursday, April 21, 2016

how do i do?

i was 'cleaning' the phone photo gallery. it was my hubby's phone, and i'm using it while i'm waiting for either ip7 or ipse to come to klcc.. ahaks...
and i stumbled on this photo:

and then this:
it was taken in late march 2014. i was holding the mask that i've putting on for 33 consecutive days. it was our last tomotherapy. it was not something that i wanted to be reminded of.
it has been two years. alhamdullillah. do far so good.
fact was that i hate the machine very much.
fact is that i pray and pray and pray hard that neither me nor anyone i knew or even strangers has to use that machine.
but i couldn't deny the fact that dengan izin allah, dengan tawakal dan doa, that machine helped!
it was bad! that day, the 33rd treatment, was bad! a 37 year old lady, had to be could hardly walked and need to be pushed on a wheelchair; and could hardly lifted her hand just to get changed to the hospital gown. she could hardly speak nor cry. she could hardly hear nor chew. she could hardly carry herself up on the machine flatbed. she was helpless, a cooked vegetable.

mashaallah... the man that took the picture, who tried his best to wear red shirt to celebrate just to match his wife's red blouse and everyone knows how he never care about what he wore.. that man was next to her, in sickness and in health, far and near.

I 'occasionally' (hmmm, it's more like forthnightly) fell sick and cry since then. i broke down. 

i keep on wondering, when will i have a 'undisturbed' sleep. most nights were shorts. i had to wake up for sips of water as my saliva was not much due to the radiotherapy, and my mouth is consistently dry. 

i keep on wondering, when will the buzz in my ears intend to stop having the party inside so that i could just hear the screeching sound of loose screws of my car while driving.

i keep on wondering, when will i stop telling myself and the people i loved 'i'm just tired and need to sleep early' and dozed off leaving stuff for my hubby to take care of.

i keep on wondering, when will i stop worrying my tooth to come out as either   extracting or if it pull out by nature won't help much as it might take me months to recover just as much as two three days for any person who never goes through that tomo machine 33 times.
how could i even think of that?
look at the picture.
i was skinny bone, and now i'm in shape that is envious by most my friends or even teenagers.
i couldn't sleep, and it was wonderful praying and 'talking' to allah in the middle of the night demanding things we could ever think of.
i couldn't hear pindrop, and trust me, we don't need to hear every single things and sometimes not listening is always best!
i couldn't afford long days and nights, and yet everything is in place as i was blessed with a man who love me and children who are too independent for their age.
i couldn't afford to lose any tooth, and if the day come, i know i have sooo many people that would care and pray for my wellbeing.
everything is full of His rahmat.
itu Dia, ArRahman ArRahim.

and abang, thank you has never been enough.

Monday, April 4, 2016

my dear melayu

i've written a long post, but didn't managed to save it. one of god's sign to don't allow me overdoing it,i guess, venting my anger:(
i was furious when i saw the first clip of men and women, that i can guarantee  they are not mahram. and i realized the clip was shared by the owner of the shop. and next thing this morning, a friend tagged me of a clip whereby the couple (the 'honoured' owner's daughter) was smiling all wide and gleefully, as the wife, at the top of her 'nyaring' voice was showing off the madness while the hubby was next to her, laughing away. 

and then, i saw the picture above. i didn't bother to click on the link as i know it will be more cursing and i couldn't curse as good as some people could. i remember how sweet ustaz ebit liew was whenever he cursed he would curse for the goodness. and i knew if we curse and pray to and for someone, we better make it good as it would go back to us. allahuakbar. 
i have mixed feeling. 

sedih dengan melayu yang sanggup menghina diri sendiri dengan kegilaan ini. 
marah dengan melayu yang nak jatuhkan melayu sendiri, atas dasar 'mulia' nak majukan bangsa melayu.
geram dengan melayu yang 'opportunist' atas kebodohan melayu lain.
pelik dengan melayu yang allah anugerahkan agama islam, akal cerdik, paras rupa cantik, tapi masih lupa adab susila yang tinggi yang dibawa oleh rasul junjungan kita saw. 
malu mengaku darah dalam badan ini darah melayu
hina dengan hilangnya susila, kewarasan akal semata-mata nikmat dunia...


we knew, if you want the world to change for better, the change is best start from you within. and this is not the first time these fareeda viral sales happened and people went berserk. it has been a few times. apparently, the owner was really having fun in watching how insanely crazy our own bangsa could be just for these. my 2-sens, they should know better. they shouldn't be happy for they secured good sales with great margins. they should be ashamed for not using their brain and never learn their lesson. they could've make arrangement to manage the entrance during sale, perhaps by online registration or even made it easy, sale it online for the resellers.. airsia did big sales online and i remembered how some of us didn't sleep for wanted to secure free seats. ashmedly, airasia is not a malay-owner. if it's difficult for them to invest on online sales or registeration, they should hire part times guards, lots of them and make sure the people queues. educate the people rather than make the people act like a bunch of hooligans. what made it worst was these 'reputable' seller has been 'promoting' "sedia untuk mengganas?" tag line before the sales started. they planted it. they wanted havoc. they planned for chaos. they just love encouraging people to go beyond adab dan akhlak. o, disgraceful!

i couldn't blame the hooligans, oopppsss, the people. most of them are resellers from the outskirts. their customers couldn't afford to come all the way to bangi just to buy a piece or two pieces of weird expensive  designs tudung, but deep inside ada terasa nak pakai macam tudung 'orang bandar' pakai (they might want to recheck, most 'orang bandar' just get a rm10 tudung from jalan tar and still look classy). the resellers see opportunities, tudung on sale, big margin. that's it. 

orang semua susah
kenapa nak kena susahkan lagi orang?
kalau tak susah, kenapa nak 'gelakkan' orang yang susah.

p/s: astaghfirullah... i remembered how my husband and i was struggling to kiss the hajr aswad.. people were fighting over queues. we gave up in the end, so near yet so far. but looking at the rush, i cried, will it be the same for these people to do what is sunnah? wouldn't they mind killing themselves just so they can do something to earn allah's blessing and with very very high margin? like solat alone with 1 pahala and berjemaah with 27 pahala? i hope the owner did arrange for solat subuh jemaah to those yang were there as early as four in the morning.

pp/s: i remembered boxing day. but there were never rush. the people stayed overnight, and once Gap open its door, please queue and waited. 

oooo bangsaku..
yang berakal berilmu, tolonglah ajar diri kita, supaya yang lain boleh diajar sekali.
tolong lah!