Tuesday, July 28, 2015

syawal 1436

what i want to write is nothing special. 
but, just in case, in future i wonder what i did last raya, at least i can dig out old post and find this. 
happened that i've been blogging since Nov 2009, and i love reading my old posts. 
so, raya 2015..it's the first of many... it brought different (good different) meaning, and i never want to stop being thankful and syukur to the blessing bestowed upon us. alhamdullillah.
ramadhan 2015 was a challenge to me. while 2014 was supposed to be a 'tough' one, i found that as much as i am 'fitter' than i used to be last year, my mind was not. 

o my, it's difficult. 
trust me, we can have all the physical strength in us, but without a strong mind and emotion, you could be ruined. 
and i live to tell, what you think do matters. 
i believe i was strong enough to go through ten sessions of chemo and 33 sessions of radiotherapy, and that's all it took for me to be where i am now. 
reality, the treatment was horrible, the side effect was never-ending. 
but with a strong mind, alhamdullillah, i knew i am all-rite. 

this ramadhan, i was a bit disturbed. 
we, the parents, were called by the school regards to aidan was having some anger management issues (and i'm yet to reserve on the story about it).. 
we, the couple, were 'adapting' with some changes in our life (and no worries, it's all parts and parcels of marriage life)
i, the new-stay-at-home wife cum mom, still figuring out what my KPIs are. 
apparently, i was so disturbed and it is damaging myself and people that matters in my life. 

having an unprepared mindset and unstable emotion, won't help you much with you living your life though you are physically fit. 
the trick is, doa. it helps!

on the other hand, talking about raya.. it was a blessed one, alhamdullillah. 

my little sister and her family was unable to be around due to work commitment. we do missed them. my brother and his family came home. and trust me, i was happy to know they did spend time with my parents more than they used to. alhamdullillah. i guess, it's all about communicating what we think should be done. my brother, though not as little as he used to be, still need to be guided. the issue with my parents, they love their children too much to the extend they don't complain about us, and we will never knew if nobody told us. they are not getting any younger, and so do we. it's not a time to berasa hati and so-ever. tapi, biasalah, bila diusia mama abah sekarang ni, we knew the emotion plays the bigger roles. 

i, for the first time in 37 years, all by myself, became my parents' no 1 helper in preparing the meals. the day before raya, i brought them to the butcher, the markets and all so. i help with the rendang and ketupat. yes, i was a spoiled child, that most of the time, i didn't helped them around. i missed those when i was young and i knew i have to make it up to them while we can. 

pagi raya was great. especially when everybody came to the house and enjoying every single bonding session we could. yup, we missed the bintulu family, but then, nak buat camne, hidup perantau... 

we were all dressed beautifully. we were in royal blue. i guess (ok, my hubby will tell me 'why must you assume, as usual?'), my hubby didn't like the colour as much as i do. he preferred last year's baju. but then, we still look good together. 

the second raya was another story. the plan was to celebrate it with the east-coast family. we had it all well. i rarely wore baju kurung when travelling. this time, i wanted to make a different, something nice and special. raya kan. it was feel-good moment when you could fit in your eleven years baju nikah and your hubby wore the same baju for the same event. it was great. sayang, tak sempat nak berselfie.. we had some incident. while in the car on our way up east, the car gave signals after signals that it was having issues, to the extend there were smoke all over and we had to pullover by the roadside. 

alhamdullillah. semua okay. there were few passers-by and i was impressed how genuine they were to help. 

hari-hari tuhan nak kasik kite beringat. 

last weekend, we went to kemaman. pergi beraya. we met old friends and it was great. 

zaman kita sekarang ni, masa datang dan pergi begitu saje. 
kawan-kawan, sedara-mara memang ada.. memang ingat sokmo.. tapi, asyik tiada kelapangan nak cari waktu nak jumpa dan bercerite. 

and getting the opportunity, always a good feeling. 
raya tak habis lagi. 

and i'm catching up with my ramadhan. 
ya allah, beri kami kesempatan untuk ramadhan yang akan datang. 
till now, jangan dikurangkan amalan ramadhan lepas untuk yang akan datang. 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Book Review: Dahsyatnya Doa Isteri

This book is beautiful.
It made me realized that small things matters.
The storyline is nicely put and the reading is easy for such a topic.

I must admit, I am no expert when it comes to the islamic knowledge. Astaghfirullahhalazim, how ashamed I am to admit that. I'm learning. We all are.
Moga dipermudahkan.

About the book, I must compliment the writers. They inspired me to pray, and pray harder, and there's always hope as He promised. All we have to do is ask.

Bila kita berdoa,
1. Mungkin Allah akan makbulkan
2. Jika tidak serta-merta, akan tiba masa yang sesuai
3. Jika tidak termakbul langsung, sebab perancangan Allah lebih hebat dari apa yang kita pinta.


Saya mahu berdoa.
Saya mahu setia seperti Khadijah, yang Allah janjikan rumah di syurga, yang sentiasa berdoa untuk suami tercinta dan sama berjuang demi suaminya. She proved that every successful man, there's always a smart woman.
Saya mahu cekal seperti Aishah, yang difitnah hingga si suami berasa hati namun dia tak henti berdoa hingga Allah memandukan semua kepada kebenarannya. Sabarnya dia, allahu.
Saya mahu kuat seperti Maryam, yang tak henti berdoa bersabung nyawa dan diri untuk melahirkan dan membesarkan anaknya. Betapa hebat kuasa Allah, Isa a.s. yang masih bayi dapat berkata menegakkan kebenaran ibunda tercinta.
Saya mahu ikhlas seperti Siti Hajar, yang ditinggal suami namun yakin nasibnya akan terbela kerana yang dilakukan kerana Allah. Hingga kini, zam-zam tak henti membasahi tekak umat Muhammad SAW.
Saya mahu teguh seperti Aisaa isteri Firaun, biarpun kemewahan kesenangan kebendaan mampu dia miliki, dia berserah segalanya pada Ilahi dengan redha-seredhanya.
Saya mahu bijak seperti Khaula, yang tidak hanya membisu bila keliru, dan tak henti berdoa agar nasib dia terbela.

Allah tak perlukan doa kita, doa itu untuk kita sendiri.

Doa la, untuk kita untuk suami untuk keluarga untuk semua.

why? why? why?

why must people made it difficult to others?
don't they think before they decided to react such ways???
the low yatt brawl -  it's a not a racial issue. never.
but people made it as a racial issue.
why so? is diplomacy is too difficult to work with?
the attention is so much more if it is a racial issue rather than just a dissatisfied customer who didn't know to deal with his frustration the proper way.

kan islam ajar suruh bermusyawarah... bawaklah berbincang. nak gaduh-gaduh, nak tunjuk siapa hebat, tak bawa ke mana pun...

orang cakap 'kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga'
i read about the converted chinese guy into islam. alhamdullillah.
but it wasn't easy.
he has nobody when his family shut him off. the family can't accept the new him. he is dead, to them.
and that is why we called him a muallaf, saudara baru.
he is supposed be our muslim brother.
we knew we should be helping him, anyhow anywhat.
he is entitled for the zakat.
but the baitulmal is making it difficult for him. asking him here and there and what and how. there's a reason.. allah cakap dah, mereka layak.
the zakat paid is for these people.
those who is eligible.
for those who pretend to be eligible, just let them be. they knew they are sinning. people don't simply want to sin. sometimes, the situation force them. just let them be.
don't make it difficult for anybody who is eligible.
feel ashamed of those managing the zakat fund. they can have nice tall five-star rated building, while there's so many eligible brothers and sisters are struggling trying to afford a living.

kan islam ajar suruh jujur dalam menjalankan amanah... jujurlah seadanya. kenapa perlu banyak menyusahkan, sedangkan kita bermewah megah?

orang cakap ' harapkan pegar, pegar makan padi'
there was an issue. a keyboard warrior was arguing on how unislamic to post those raya pics of husband and wife hugging and tagging each other.

syawal is a celebration. you were supposed to be happy from dawn till dusk. selfies, picture takings and many more and how the pose were shouldn't be an issue. it meant to be shared among close friend.

tak seronok kah orang bahagia? kan islam ajar doakan kebahagiaan saudara seislammu. doa tu, balik semula ke kita. tak perlu lah nak berdengki sangat. awasi sahaja gerak gerimu.

orang cakap 'belum bertaji hendak berkokok'
and so the Diva AA and ChefWan are back in public eye. well, their bold blunt (and forgive me but i must say this) 'ridiculously stupid' characters are well established.

just put a stop. no need to comment, no need to like, no to share.
if its personal, let it be personal.
yes, they published it for the public.
but, why are we so interested to know more about it?
we are asking for it, and these attention-crave human being are willingly giving it.

kan islam ajar adab susila. perihal peribadi, simpan sahajalah untuk sendiri. demi masa, akan reda lama tak lama. tak perlu dikongsi segala cerita. tak perlu diluah segala rasa.

orang cakap 'cakap siang pandang-pandang, cakap malam dengar-dengar'

and so, there's 1MDB.
why must he made it difficult for dragging this for so long and let everyone wonder?
why bother looking for culprits who was the informer and let alone him in silence?

rasanya, dah melampau sangat dosa dia dekat rakyat yang teraniaya, mungkin itu sebab dia membisu..biarkan semua menyumpah seranah berbuat dosa, agar pahala pulang ke dia.

jangan jadi Firaun, lupa diri yang die Tuhan.

yang ni, tak tau apa nak cakap...banyak sangat orang cakap.  
yang sorang tu tak bercakap-cakap!

i wonder, why must they made it difficult?
islam is simple.
that's what is thought.
and yet, we pick to be difficult!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Selamat Hari Raya, semua

(This meant for an earlier posting, apparently, it didn't)

Tetibe teringat first time puasa diperantauan. There were 11 of us from my batch and 10 of my one-year senior. We were young. Very young. We were still in our teens.

The college we went to was in the middle of nowhere. Try pronounce the town ' Llantwit Major'...
It was in the 90s.. 1995 to be exact. The year when not many of the people in the town know exactly where Malaysia is. The year when not much of our culture awareness are made known to the world. (I guess, this is why I really thank Tun M for he was the person responsibility to change the worldview of Malaysia).

The college was isolated. The halal meat that we got was only once a week, once a meal. The other six days we were vegetarian day in day out. Nope, we didn't prepare our food. Yes, we cooked once a while during weekends, but not on daily basis.

The first day I fasted back then, it was emotional. I was so homesick (as usual) and I remembered looking forward to break our fast. I went to the dining hall with my besties. We had evening code (class) so we knew the dinner would be a quick grab. We had to wait for the time to break our fast and as we reached the dining hall, they were no halal meat. It was the first day, and yes the college provided us supplies for suhr for us to prepare ourselves. We were asking for the vegetarian dish and the kitchen lady was apologizing as the dinner was bad that those meat-eater decided to go vegetarian that day. We went to the cold meal storage. Na-da.. Just nothing for us. We opted for instant noodle back in our hostel. And I cried, profusely, while breaking my first fast away from the home country...

Be thankful people. We are so spoilt with choices of food, that we kept forgetting about the rest of the worl!


It's nearing the end.
Breaking apart is not an easy one this time.
I've achieved so much last year, but not this time.
Allahu, astaghfirrullahhillazim as I have sinned.

It doesn't started off easy. The first three day of Ramadhan saw me lying on my bed 24-7. I was weak and tired and even I was not fasting, I couldn't have anything thrown in my throat. It was bad. It more or less remind me of those time when I couldn't even swallowed my own saliva, and all I need was a bucket by my bedside to vomit. O please my dear friends, take care of your good health. If there's anything that is out of norm, please get it check. Don't just let it be. You don't want it to be too late that all you knew you have to undergone eight cycle of chemotherapy.

But alhamdullillah, I still managed to fast.
And now, it's raya.

And I feel missing.

Perhaps I am missing my little sister and her family. It's their first time not being able to celebrate it with us due to work commitment.
Perhaps I am missing everything I've gone thru, the good ones of course.
But I knew for a fact, I am missing my energy. I have another three more juzu' to complete my quran, but as I've been given an 'early' raya, I have to hold the reading after raya. And this time, I am missing Ramadhan. I just hope I could hold it... Just wait! I just hope I could keep it all for myself.

I'm praying, hard, let this Ramadhan lasted until the next Ramadhan. Ameen.


I have sinned.
I spoke my mind out loud, and it surely hurt some others.
I'm sorry.
It's my struggled. I prayed hard, but I knew it has never been hard enough.
I did things I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Be it direct or indirectly, I knew I may have hurt some of these kind people.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I want to change for a better, and I hope I will, one day, Insyaallah.
May Allah guide us.

Selamat Hari Raya
Maaf Zahir Batin.


Thursday, July 9, 2015

table for two

i just need to write it down.
it's about love.

love makes you do the undoable.
love makes you think the unthinkable.
love makes you touch the untouchable.
love makes you feel the impossible.

it's going to be our eleventh anniversary next month. 
i was flipping through old photos. that photos we took in trafalgar square.. brings  a thousand memories. he was a gentleman. i was smitten. the lion statue was huge. i insisted to climb for a picture; for a good memory to be saved. the first time he held my hand, trying to get hold of me, so i didn't fall. remembering it now, i felt like crying. the sparked we had, i felt it now. 

the first time we met, we were not so into each other. i was not available, and he was not interested. but God has His ways. the phone calls we had, just to fully utilized his free minutes, were not just phone calls. We started missing each other, but we won't dare to say it out loud. Of course, we understood. 

the courting was way over the moon. 
won't deny it and still couldn't deny it!
he mailed the train tix to visit him, he came to my place when i least expected, he hid bouquet of flowers to my surprised, he stayed up for handmade card to woe me. 
sons, beat that!

we were in so madly in love. 
of course, we argued here and there. 
it wasn't all smooth. 
but i couldn't thank my lucky star enough for the taqdir written for me and him. 
alhamdullillah, bertemu jodohnya kami berdua. 

it was a beautiful wedding.
we looked good (ok, overated, i was beautiful then, but when i look back at the wedding photo, i just wanted to kill the make-up artist my mum hired!).
he was handsome, with that smile he wore. 
everybody was sharing our big day with joy. 

the honeymoon was supposed to great. but, as it wasn't immediately after the wedding, i was already four months pregnant and the morning sickness lasted throughout the pregnancy. and so the second and third pregnancy. yes, i wished he was there, physically, during the labour, but then again, Allah is the best planner. he missed all three labours. 

and here we are, going to our eleventh anniversary. alhamdullillah. alhamdullillah. alhamdullillah. 

nope, it was never smooth ride through out. 

we fights.
we just had our disagreements earlier this week. 
i was so afraid to be label a control freak, but i was jealous. i still am. i can't help what i feel. i wish i could. i tried. we talked things out, and we knew that we can never turned back time. and we can never hide from how we feel. we won't lie. i couldn't lie and he won't sweet-talked me. 
yes, i was mad. i'm the lady in the house. he told them, i know who's the queen in his heart. but i still couldn't pretend that it was okay when it was not. 

time will heals. 
time will only heals when we have faith on what Allah has plan for us as He's the master planner. 

i overlooked. 
i was caught up in the idea i'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. and he won't change for any better.
allahuakbar. how could i forgot that all is Allah's do. how could i ignore that all is nicely put for us? he has his weaknesses, and i am no saint. 
we compliment each other. 

that's all it takes. 
as we are sinners for keep forgetting to count our blessings.
while others still looking for one, we found the love we want. 
niat kerana Allah, o may Allah has mercy on us.

i'm a wife. 
yes, i'm possessive. 
yes, i do get jealous over that young chic who just say hi when she passes by. 
yes, i feel insecure. 
yes, i'm inferior over things i think rather than the real fact. 
yes, i express my depression.
yes, i cry.
yes, i throw tantrums. 
i'm his wife.

i love him. 
just because i know he loves me too. 
i love him.
as much he might hurt my feelings, i hurt his too. and he stuck by.
i love him.
when i was at my lowest, he picked me up. he will. 
i love him. 
the thicks and thins that we've gone through are too precious to just to be thrash out. 
i love him.
the father of our wonderful brilliant children.
i love him.   

ya allah, kekalkan cinta ini. satukan hati kami seteguhnya. temukan kami semula di syurgaMu. 

you've been putting up with my antics 
you've been so patience comforting me
you've been yourself for whay i love you
you've been the greatest companion, bestest friend, prefect spouse to me. 
and, of course, i know it's mutual...

thank you for make it real.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Book review: It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want To Be

This book has a long title. But it's very catchy and simple and yet it tells the truth and not just merely words of unpractical motivational encouragement.

Written by Paul Arden and published by Phaidon Press Ltd, the book is meant for the business world.

However I found that most of the metaphors are so related in raising a child who will know how to survive in the harsh world. It gives me idea on what I want my kids to learn on life-skill and be a street-smart cause that is the difficult part in raising kids rather than being book-smart. I always believe it's important to have both street-smart and book-smart skills in order to survive and that is what I want my children to have.

One of many ideas written is "When it can't be done, do it. If you don't do it, it doesn't exist"... I'm so in love with this idea. And he even teaches us how to solve problems..."if you can't solve a problem, it's because you're playing by the rules..".

It's easy-reading and straight-forward.
Grab one.

ramadhan, u ols.

well, it has been a long pause, again.
i will bore people with this post, but then, what the heck, it is meant for me to share with my circle of friends. i'm sure they would love to read about my out and about.
i wrote that paragraph weeks ago, i didn't have the 'energy' to even complete it.

i missed the three first three days of ramadhan. i was soooo sick. i couldn't do anything but lied on the bed. i didn't even have the energy to go the toilet. but i couldn't fast as i need lots of water. i couldn't eat or chew anything. throughout the three days, i remembered the food that went through my throat was only the dates that my husband 'forced' me to eat and helped to remove the seed and just let me chewed whatever i can. it was horrible. especially when everybody is sooo looking forward for fasting, and there i was, lying on my bed.
i pitied my kids the most.

my ears was infected. but, it surely has getting much better after the antibiotic i took. the were traces of blood but it was 'nothing'.

and now, i'm back on my feet.
i miss ramadhan.
this year was quite tiring for me.
all i did was sleep all day, all night.
i wake up to send aivey to school and picked the children back. and most of the time, i only resorted for bazaar ramadhan food for breaking the fast. i sympatized my hubby and children. whilst most mom, especially those who stay at home, resorted to have nice food on the table, i still struggling to adhere to that. but, i'm happy that the least i could prepare sahur for them. at least, once i got my food intake, i could spare some energy to cook before i go to bed.
my husband has been very good, as always. he never complains. he brings food on the table. there were times i felt ashamed as i wasn't a good enough wife to him.
sedih, terkilan, ralat..
semua rasa ada.

my gastrick is not getting any better.
but i guess, i got so used to cramping and holding my stomach tight and it will just be gone in no time.
i'm not complaining.
i want everybody who read this, who has the energy and time, just cherish the moment. do whatever you could do.
ramadhan bulan untuk beribadah.
trust me, i felt the emptiness bila nak solat 2-rakaat pun dah rasa terhuyung-hayang.
jeles bila tengok nak bangun sahur and my hubby was on the prayer mat.
jeles bila tengok anak-anak pergi surau ngan aboh nak solat jemaah.
belum sempat lagi.
mintak berkat tempias jugak sikit2.

one thing i learn about being in a remission - as they would put it for us, the treated cancer patient, life won't be the same.. at least for the next five, or maybe ten years.
to me, it's time i'm trying to understand the signal of my body trying to tell me. at some instance, there'll be fluid coming out from ears, there'll be constant runny nose, there'll be dried tongue, there'll be uncontrollable coldness and many others. one thing for sure, betapa kasihNya Allah, it never came simultaneously. the body is smart enough to 'take turn' who and which the pain will be.

another thing about remission, you just don't know how you would want to answer the question 'how are you?'. to friends that i'm closed to, i like to tell them 'i'm ok but i'm tired and sick of being sick and tired'. i don't intend to buy their sympathy. i know they care. and they keep telling me 'you are strong'.

i doubt that i'm strong.
i trust it's all Allah's way of constant reminder to me of things i've done and thing's i should be doing.
as i've been talking with other cancer patient, 'kita ni special, allah sayang kat kita yang dok peringatkan kita dunia ni kejap je, tak lari mana. bila kite sakit, dunia terus berjalan, dan kita sorang lah kat situ. tu sebab, bila kita sakit, lagi banyak kita ingat mana dunia mana akhirat.'

appreciate life kawan-kawan!
appreciate your health. baru umur 37thn, jalan dari parking level P2, naik lift pergi concourse and jalan to the other side of the mall took all my breath away. saat isetan dok memanggil-manggil masuk store depa sebab ada sale, i resorted for a good fifteen minutes seat and decided to go back sebab penat.
so, those who are still in the pink of health, make use of it to the good.
it won't be late when it's gone, but the the feeling of 'i should have done this when i was in a good health' might not be the best feeling ever.

untuk kawan-kawan yang tengah go through remission, tengah treatment dan tengah tunggu treatment,
true, semua yang sihat is impressed with us.
true, semua yang ada sympathised and felt us,
but, i know, what we've gone thru is indescribable.
we can explain to our onco what we felt.
we can tell our spouse how we felt.
but we felt.

just be strong
He is there.