Selamat Hari Raya, semua

(This meant for an earlier posting, apparently, it didn't)

Tetibe teringat first time puasa diperantauan. There were 11 of us from my batch and 10 of my one-year senior. We were young. Very young. We were still in our teens.

The college we went to was in the middle of nowhere. Try pronounce the town ' Llantwit Major'...
It was in the 90s.. 1995 to be exact. The year when not many of the people in the town know exactly where Malaysia is. The year when not much of our culture awareness are made known to the world. (I guess, this is why I really thank Tun M for he was the person responsibility to change the worldview of Malaysia).

The college was isolated. The halal meat that we got was only once a week, once a meal. The other six days we were vegetarian day in day out. Nope, we didn't prepare our food. Yes, we cooked once a while during weekends, but not on daily basis.

The first day I fasted back then, it was emotional. I was so homesick (as usual) and I remembered looking forward to break our fast. I went to the dining hall with my besties. We had evening code (class) so we knew the dinner would be a quick grab. We had to wait for the time to break our fast and as we reached the dining hall, they were no halal meat. It was the first day, and yes the college provided us supplies for suhr for us to prepare ourselves. We were asking for the vegetarian dish and the kitchen lady was apologizing as the dinner was bad that those meat-eater decided to go vegetarian that day. We went to the cold meal storage. Na-da.. Just nothing for us. We opted for instant noodle back in our hostel. And I cried, profusely, while breaking my first fast away from the home country...

Uwaaa....
Be thankful people. We are so spoilt with choices of food, that we kept forgetting about the rest of the worl!

...

It's nearing the end.
Breaking apart is not an easy one this time.
I've achieved so much last year, but not this time.
Allahu, astaghfirrullahhillazim as I have sinned.

It doesn't started off easy. The first three day of Ramadhan saw me lying on my bed 24-7. I was weak and tired and even I was not fasting, I couldn't have anything thrown in my throat. It was bad. It more or less remind me of those time when I couldn't even swallowed my own saliva, and all I need was a bucket by my bedside to vomit. O please my dear friends, take care of your good health. If there's anything that is out of norm, please get it check. Don't just let it be. You don't want it to be too late that all you knew you have to undergone eight cycle of chemotherapy.

But alhamdullillah, I still managed to fast.
And now, it's raya.

And I feel missing.

Perhaps I am missing my little sister and her family. It's their first time not being able to celebrate it with us due to work commitment.
Perhaps I am missing everything I've gone thru, the good ones of course.
But I knew for a fact, I am missing my energy. I have another three more juzu' to complete my quran, but as I've been given an 'early' raya, I have to hold the reading after raya. And this time, I am missing Ramadhan. I just hope I could hold it... Just wait! I just hope I could keep it all for myself.

I'm praying, hard, let this Ramadhan lasted until the next Ramadhan. Ameen.

...

I have sinned.
I spoke my mind out loud, and it surely hurt some others.
I'm sorry.
It's my struggled. I prayed hard, but I knew it has never been hard enough.
I did things I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Be it direct or indirectly, I knew I may have hurt some of these kind people.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I want to change for a better, and I hope I will, one day, Insyaallah.
May Allah guide us.

...
Selamat Hari Raya
Maaf Zahir Batin.