I was telling Aivey, "I've done my part, Vy. I've not been given a fair chance to explain myself, I've been shut off and cut off..yet I love Rasulullah SAW so much that I want to adhere to his saying not to severe kinship for that is what Allah SWT ask us to do!"
"So, what did you do? You've been crying on and off and this is so damaging ~ it's unhealthy for you, Ma"
"I've texted her, and I guess I don't owe anybody else an apology. Despite me not taking the blame ~ It's time to put everything aside, and I'm just done trying to make amends. She acknowledged receipt and it's all in her court. I've done my part as the slave of Allah, the ummah of Rasulullah SAW. Alhamdulillah."
"Do you forgive her, Ma?"
"I've did that long time ago ~ I love Allah, Rasulullah SAW and both my parents so much that I know I should forgive her and just pray for her. Do you know that it is best to forgive others for all we care is Allah's forgiveness. Should we forgive others, Allah will forgive us, Vy."
"So, you are taking the blame?"
"It's not who's wrong and who's right, it's not who's winning and who's not. It's for my own peace of mind. Should there's anything that anyone ever do to me, out of consciousness, and have wronged me severely, spreading fitnah over myself & my beloveds, out of their consciousness; then, I'm entitled not to forgive them until they seek for one. That's my right."
...
Alhamdulillah ~ it wasn't easy.. my sleepless nights, my istikharah ~ Allah made it easy for me, alhamdulillah.
...
But Aivey got me to " so, you are taking the blame?"
Al-Quran told us to forgive for we longed for Allah's forgiveness when we meet Him, allahumma ameen.
But, how do we know who entitled to forgive between two human?
While I know for a fact from my side that I'm not to be blame, instead, I've been wronged, my rights been deprived and my beloved being mocked.. and it took years and years of courage to forgive.
On the other hand, they might think the same too... they've forgive me ~ as much as I don't need their forgiveness. Wallahu'alam. I don't know.
I told Aivey, if I've wronged them, I have politely seek forgiveness to them ~ I seek forgiveness from my aunts and I texted both my sis and my elder cousin despite of no reply (and honestly, I'm ok, alhamdulillah ~ yup, I'm surprised that I was ok).
I've done my part.
Should they seek forgiveness from me genuinely and sincerely, it would be my loss not to forgive them. I need that peace of mind when I sleep at night ~ and that's what I did, forgive them and make prayer for them.
It just, as I told Aivey,
"Should they knew they have wronged me, severely and intentionally, and resist to seek forgiveness from me the way it should ~ they owe me that.. I hope they'd pay back before anyone of us leave the world, for meeting at the hereafter would be a blessed coincidence, if ever. wa iyyazubillah."
Yup, the word is SHOULD ~ it's not fair to forgive if the other side knew they have wronged and severe the kinship badly. 2017 and counting ~ that's a long way!
Ya Allah, do forgive us, Allahumma Ameen.