Emotional cancer

Depression is like cancer, indeed, it is a emotional cancer. 

It has always been there within yourself, waiting to be ignored and be inactive, or actively spread and damage you mentally. 

While chemo and radio has been clinically proven to control physical cancer, and if Allah wills, heals you; I doubt anything is good for emotional cancer. 

What a plot!

...

I never had it diagnosed - the depression within self. 

I never see the need to get myself diagnosed, officially. 

Alhamdulillah... 

I know it's the feelings that Allah wants me to feel. 

I know that while my emotional would be on and off, and some point it goes waaayy beyond the stability radar, I also know that I have to keep my mental state at its best possible means. 

I know that with a stable mindset, it could be strong enough to combat my emotional fluctuations. 

But, sometimes, like this time, I just got drowned away, and lost it. 

I cried in my waking time and sleep time... 

I could hardly talk and I cried most of the time...

Every part of my body was in pain, and if I'm lucky, I would vomit and felt so tired that I could sleep due to tiredness. 

The burden is real. 

It reminds me of those old days -  the indescribable pain that I had to go through when I had my chemo and radio treatment 9 years ago. 

It's waaay to painful, that all I can conclude was 'sakit Ya Allah'. 

And today, I'm telling Him again (and again and again).. "sakit, Ya Allah!"

...

Aivey asked me, 'are you okay, ma?'

"why are you asking?"

'you were crying and screaming while taking your nap, just now' 

"I'm not ok. I'm sad, and it hurts"

'you miss her?'

"yup"

... and she didn't say anything - it has been years that she knew I would cry once a while when I thought of the good times I had with my sibling sister... Aivey tried to console me before, but in times, she got used to it and she just don't know what to do but she knew mama will be okay in time... 

and I just have to. 

"help me, Ya Allah"

Allahumma ameen