Setia

Setia itu apa ye?

Ikhlas bila orang mengkhianati, setia kah itu?

Sabar bila orang memerli, setia kah itu?

Redha bila orang membuli, setia kah itu?

Tawakkal bila orang menzalami, setia kah itu?

Setia itu untuk siapa ye?

Mereka yang mencela, adakah setia untuk mereka?

Dia yang menghina, adakah setia untuk dia?

Diri yang berduka, adakah setia untuk kita?

Dia Yang Maha Tinggi HikmahNya, tiada penafian, setia hanya untuk Nya. 

Setia itu bagaimana?

Dalam gelap kau meraba dan masih mampu kamu merasa hadirnya cahaya walau tidak kelihatan bayangnya.

Dalam sakit kau merintih dan masih mampu kamu merasa bahagia bila datang penara yang akan menyembuhnya. 

Dalam lelah kau gigih untuk bernafas dan masih mampu kau merasa tangisan itu akan dibalas dengan balasan indah yang tak pernah kau bayangkan. 

Setia itu, indah. 

Jika engkau mampu. 

Sebab kamu bukan mereka

Tak tahu macam nak describe rasa yang dok berulang-kali datang menjengah... rasa nak suruh kau nangis sadis, menyumpah marah, membenci sepi. rasa pedih ibarat luka parah seluruh badan dicurahkan air garam bertan-tan tanpa belas tanpa kasihan. rasa tertipu dikhianiti dek orang yang puas mendukung kau, membelai kau, memandikan kau, mencebok kencing berak waktu kau tiada daya... 

Rasa yang memang shaitan saja yang kejam, mampu mencucuk-cucuk menghasut suruh aku membenci sekeras-kerasnya hingga melaknati ... 

yang akhirnya, laknat itu terpalit pada diri sendiri, kalau aku tak berhati-hati. 

...

kesian Aivey.. niat nak teman nenek. kesian kat nenek sebab nenek nga atok takde orang lain nak teman jadi penghibur. dah selalu sangat, sampai hujung minggu, dialah yang pergi teman nenek... sungguh, kalau ikut kehendak hati dia, mama tahu dia tak kisah duduk di rumah... paling tak pun, macam-macam benda dia boleh buat kat rumah riana ni. tapi, sebab dah jadi kebiasaan, bila hujung minggu, nenek 'merengek' ajak berteman. maka, setialah dia pergi menemani. 

cuma bila nenek nak ke KLCC, bukan dengan orang yang mahu dia ada hadir bersama mereka.. nenek tinggal Aivey begitu aje. Aivey cakap, 'nenek cakap boleh datang KLCC naik grab ngan abang Aimar... '... padahal, boleh aje mama drive ke KLCC bawak aimar and aivey kalau betul-betul nenek nak aivey dan aimar hadir bersama.. tapi, nenek tak nak pun. sebab aivey, aimar anak mama... tak layak nak join kerabat orang ada-ada.... sedar diri anak-anak! kamu darah daging aboh mama.... waktu mereka menyumpah seranah hingga mendoakan matinya mama aboh, mereka sudah lama bunuh dan buang darah mama yang sama mengalir dengan mereka.. hatta, tiada darah mereka dalam diri mama, tiada mama dalam diri mereka, dan tiada darah mereka pada kamu... 

kamu bukan sahaja orang yang hanya mereka kenal pada nama. mereka tak pernah kenal kamu, dan tak pernah ingin kenal kamu. 

nanti, bila kamu bertiga baca posting mama yang ini, mama nak kamu adik-beradik tahu, hari-hari macam ni, mama tewas... hari mama lemah seluruh sendi... penat menangis. 

Saying the Truth

what's up since the last time i dropped by here?

i have no eff-ing idea..

...

life goes on! 

that was it and that how it is gonna be..

Alhamdulillah...

was reading the book, comments of Dr Bilal on Ibn Tammiyah's Essay On The Heart.. gosh, I stumbled upon the hadith being shared how we've been cheated... or perhaps, i was cheated - by free times and health... 

I guess health won't be my positive side, yet, who am I to argue when a friend I met last two months, who I thought has been free from cancer, told me that she got a relapse and this time, the cancer is at stage 4... May Allah gives her and her family strength to go thru these turmoils as I know, it won't be easy. Ameen..

On the other hand, free times are all mine.. Astaghfirullah ~ I have pending jobs with Anje Ulul Albab Modules and also the transcription of Al-Biri's poem, yet, I slept all day yesterday ~ literally! I was sleeping at 11 the night before, woke up just nice for two rakaah and witr, and I sent Aivey off for school, came back and sleep again... till noon, and continued sleeping after zohor, and at times of asar, went to pick up Aivey, came back for bukak puasa, then solat and tido and isya' and sleep for the night... Astaghfirullah.... I was tired for nothing. 

Allah has blessed me with free times, and that's how I chose to spend it on ~ how cheated I've been, to my own self!

...

Feeling being cheated was bad, and being cheated itself is definitely a ruin. 

I never knew how to cheat, but I knew for the fact, I cheat a lot.. 

It's tricky of how to explain it. 

But, as I told the kids, 'mama tak tahu nak menipu'... I really don't know ~ I speak my mind loudly and clearly for I couldn't trained myself to lie... by means, I meant well .. only that, when I was younger, my words were harsh and to some extent, vulgars. Astaghfirullah.. 

I used to be 'proud' of being 'honest', yet, some people just not strong enough to face the fact when they listened to honest opinions. And they are not to be blame. 

The bad was mine! Even when Musa a.s. wanted to meet Fir'aun and gave da'wah, Allah SWT told him to 'qaulan layyinan', say good words softly, smoothly.. lembut... and it was Fir'aun that he a.s. was meeting ~ the one who clearly at the wrong... yet, he was asked by Robb to talk softly! So, what justifies my harshness?

Of course you have to tell the truth... what was missing back them was knowledge. 

In Surah al-Asr, Allah SWT pair the truth with sabr, تِ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلۡحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ and in Surah al-Balad, Allah SWT pair sabr with mercy, وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلۡمَرۡحَمَةِ. 

Mashaallah, How perfect Quran is... yes, you have to speak the truth, but it comes with patience... and patience would be perfect pair with mercy -

A reminder to myself... put a border, between saying things truthfully and saying it with truth. 

May Allah forgives my past, and May Allah forgives those who have rights over me for I was being harsh and nasty to them, Ameen. 

Talentime and she's ok

Aivey is one strong girl, emotionally and mentally!

The school is having a talent show today - I remembered when she wanted to use her pocket money to buy a set of recorder because she said she is joining the year-end talent show. 

"but you don't know how to play recorder"

"i still got time to learn, ma" she said and so she did... 

I was impressed.. from zero to not-yet hero and but here's her heroic story:

She has definitely improved in learning the notes and can play the recorder smoothly. She intended to join the talent show with five other friends of hers. 

...

Brought forward a month later..
After all her efforts and I remember she secretly play the recorded in her room, took some videos to submit to her friend so she can submit to the teachers..

Last week, she told me, "I'm not joining the talent time and I'm ok."

I knew at that instance that it is not ok!

But she insisted that she is okay. 

Even at the time me posting this, she said she was okay. 

Fact was, her other four friends went for the audition and not inviting her. 

Aivey said, "I am ok ma, totally am. I am not good recorder player and they are better off without me!"

Those are the exact words she told me. 

Trying hard to convince me... and I just have to swallow her words despite heavy hard. 

...

Being abandon is nothing okay. 

Especially being abandon by someone you put your trust on. 

Someone who told you, I love you, I would always be with you, I care for you and so forth... and when she found out you are no use, she abandon you!

That is evil!

And it just hurt

...

Aivey, 

Sorry if I can do not much to sooth you.. as a matter of fact, you seem to be stronger than I am. You can still be kind to your friend and I am forever your fan for being such a sweet heart. 

...

Aivey, 

Mama been crying a lot lately.. 

Because I felt so lonely for people I care been abandoning me, shutting me off from their life. 

Knowing about you not going to be in the talent time because your friend went to the audition without inviting you, doesn't make things better, even you keep insisting you are ok. 

You might be ok, but i am not. 

I felt that I failed being a mama, and failed being myself. 

Aivey, give me some of you strength, dear. 

I am forever your fan. 

Alhamdulillah

Just cry

 Depression is real and it is sooo soooo soooooo bad!
...

I can never know how a person with depression would be - less that I know they would feel, and I can never understand why can they never able to overcome depression...

Me, depression?

I beg to differ ~ I never bother to get myself diagnosed. 

I guess everyone would have their 'depress' moment.. and time will surpasses. 

It just that, for those who might never know how it felt, or may be for those who think they don't have it but indeed they do.... 

Let me tell you something... 

You just wanted to cry, cry, cry, and cry. 

You cry over the rain. 

You cry because it is 3 o'clock. 

You cry for the sick person at any hospital that you know not of. 

You just wanted to cry and you will cry. 

And when you cry, you chest started to ache, so do your heart... 

It just hurt!

Badly!

And you cry and cry and cry. 

Your body started to feel numb. 

You get tired and lying on the bed is the only thing you would want to do. 

Who gives a heck that you are hungry or not, you won't care yourself. 

And you cry and cry and cry. 

...

So you tried reciting the Quran. 

You chanted all dzikir. 

You listened to all the scholars words. 

And you cry and cry and cry

...

Don't worry, hei you. 

So what if you cry while you are driving and the traffic light is green. 

What if you cry while you on the prayer mat waiting for the prayer time. 

Just cry. 

Never questioned your faith. 

As long as you know, that feeling you feel inside

Is the one from Him

and so, just cry. 

For how long?

Take your time

Time won't promise that the feeling would go away, 

but the least, it will give you a rest. 

And when it come back, 

just cry.