The strong-headed me

I have always considered myself as 'strong-headed' by default!

Trust me ~ it's a hard process... 

Not being strong-head, but to mellow down, to reflect the softer side of mine, to show wisdom (though I might have none)... just because.

Again and again, every time I wish I could be 'less' strong-head, that would be the most difficult part!

I was wandering - why do I behave such way?

Was I been raised in a 'strong-head's family that it just run in my blood?

Was I being 'tortured' and abused in the past that I just don't know the softer part of the world?

Was it just me, being the eldest, and that was it?

Allahu musta'an...

For whatever reasons, I know I don't need to know just to justify on my actions. 

I know that I have to cool down and mellow down ~ so that I won't annoy people and I won't feel hurt when people are not responsive to me. 

My dear husband was telling me ~ " that was one of the character that make me fell in love with you, and still do "

He said, I would stick to what I say, my aims and goals and I would strive my best to thrive it. 

Wow! Did I? 

I always thought I am all but a thriver! hahaha

But then again ~ I guess, people behave differently, depending on how he or she been treated. We can be the most manje person to our spouse, and yet such a hard-headed among our buddies. We can be the most tolerant employee and yet such a strict mom at home. 

I just wish I wasn't as 'harsher' as I used to be ~ at least I thought I was harsh, and I am currently not to be harsh in times. 

I wanted anything but to hurt people. 

I used to not care about how people feels as I always wanted the world to rotate around me. 

I know, I was wrong. 

I just want how miserable I am now to everyone that I've wronged, for I know I was wronged and I shouldn't. I really hope that Allah SWT put His Mercy and forgive all those that I've wronged before the Day of Judgement. 
I have no other justifications, excuses and reasons of why I did what I did. 

As much as I seek Allah's guide to forgive me, to have mercy on me, and to guide me to be softer than I used to be ~ I will consistently pray that Allah forgives everyone that I have wronged for being strong-headed and made their life difficult because of me. 
If you happen to be one of those, please forgive me. 

Kibr

How can anyone shut someone so dear to you, should it not be due to pure hatred? 
Or was it just because of ego? 

How can someone be deceived with the word 'ego'? Isn't that means arrogance? Isn't only Allah entitled to have the names and attributes of al-kibr? How could anyone forget how arrogant Iblis have been? WHy would anyone want to follow his footsteps? 

To make it worst, the person being arrogance is also the same person making du'a to Allah, asking for His blessing and His mercy. How is that possible? How could one having the character of human's clear enemy and asking for Allah's mercy? Who is the person deceiving? Themselves or the Owner of Mercy? 

Astaghfirullah al-'azeem. 

I still can't compute. 

I tried Ya Allah. 

May I not be one of those who has the character of Iblis. Wa na'udzubillah. 

Some people

Kekadangkan, ada je setubuh manusia yang ntah datang dari mana-mana, hadir dalam hidup kau, dengan cara paling menyakitkan hati.... rasa mcm nak tampar-tampar je muka dia!
...

I really can't empathise on how some people think ~ I used to call these people stupid... then, I upgrade their label to no common sense... now that I've made promised to myself to watch my words, my thinking and my action... I just couldn't find any label to name these type of people.. I would make du'a so that Allah would guide them... 

instead, as today, I realised it is me who need guidance!!!

I have wronged so many people from the past. 

Being an elder and very bold in my thinking and words, my principle would be "tell the truth or you shall forever lie!" 

I am a bad liar, so I won't lie! I can't lie! I just don't lie for I'm sure, sooner or later, the truth will show itself and by then I would be doomed! So, I don't lie ... (hahaha, yaarrr rigghtt... bohong sunat tu sekali sekala ada gak lah terlepas). 

But my point is, I would speak my mind out if I deem it's true. During my younger years, I would accompanied the so-called truth with sacarsm, smirking and twirling my eyeslids. Astaghfirullah.. I hated my past self. I am no saint today, but I was soooo mean previously. If only people knew how I never stop seeking forgiveness for myself and for those who I've wronged.... For any of you who I have wronged... please forgive me! I know, I was mean and I should have not!!!

Well, yesterday - I was tested, not once but twice. I really don't think how some people think. They would asked you genuine questions, show interest on what they think you have knowledge of, asking for your opinions.. but when you blurt all out, being honest in giving your own personal opinion that they asked for, they started responding to you like ~ oooo..no, I'm not taking your option.. I have better option, i wasn't even considering your option at the very beginning...... and so... WHY DID YOU ASK ME AT THE FIRST PLACE???? 

Yup, I know - to test my patience.. Alhamdulillah.. I failed, but not miserably.. It was near missed.. I was about to share in my social media.. but I ended up having a good chat with chatgpt.. hahaha

...

So, did I every fully described Aivey got into MRSM? 

Alhamdulillah.. she completed Ramadan in Pengkalan Hulu... it wasn't easy, but she did it! Unlike all her ex-KMS friends, she didn't opt for MRSM IGCSE... after seeing the struggle Aidan has gone thru and not much benefit gained from it, except that he got a year headstart for his SPM revision... I don't see it is best to enrol Aivey to IGCSE... though she wished she could... I told her, "thank me later. I know I have choose the best for you, Insyaallah.. "

So, she got thru the MRSM Premier... 

Before there were IGCSE, Ulul Albab or whatever, don't people know that there were only Premier MRSM???? So, why is that people sounding like "naa... Premier is not for the scorer!"

I beg to differ.. 

I always believe, the school, though might have its impact on the result of their students, but the major role would still be the students themselve... 

campaklah kat mana pun, kalau menjadi, menjadi gak... 

Ok, now I'm 'cooler'. I guess, I have to stop here, before I spilled out more details on why I was mad at some people... kang satu-satu aib aku list down kang..bukan boleh percaya waswisu fi suduuri an-naas... sedap je kang mengata.. 

Astaghfirullah

Kejadian shaitan

 Macam nak kena share lak - sambil-sambil tadabbur tafsir surah al-kahf. 

...

The miracle; the beauty of Al-Quran, Subhanallah. 

Al-Kahf ayat 50: 

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ فَفَسَقَ عَنۡ أَمۡرِ رَبِّهِۦٓۗ أَفَتَتَّخِذُونَهُۥ وَذُرِّيَّتَهُۥٓ أَوۡلِيَآءَ مِن دُونِي وَهُمۡ لَكُمۡ عَدُوُّۢۚ بِئۡسَ لِلظَّٰلِمِينَ بَدَلٗا

[Malay] Dan (ingatkanlah peristiwa) ketika Kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Sujudlah kamu kepada Adam”; lalu mereka sujud melainkan iblis; ia adalah berasal dari golongan jin, lalu ia menderhaka terhadap perintah Tuhannya. Oleh itu, patutkah kamu hendak menjadikan iblis dan keturunannya sebagai sahabat-sahabat karib yang menjadi pemimpin selain daripadaku? Sedang mereka itu ialah musuh bagi kamu. Amatlah buruknya bagi orang-orang yang zalim: pengganti yang mereka pilih itu.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate to Adam," and they prostrated, except for Iblees. He was of the jinn and departed from [i.e., disobeyed] the command of his Lord. Then will you take him and his descendants as allies other than Me while they are enemies to you? Wretched it is for the wrongdoers as an exchange

Panjang gak explanation'brief' Sheikh Assim on this ayat. Tapi, I got 'stucked', interested on the part إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ iblis daripada golongan jin. 

Masa baca surah Al-Baqarah, ada ayat yang bagitau, malaikat dan shaitan.. 

Al-Baqarah 2:34

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ أَبَىٰ وَٱسۡتَكۡبَرَ وَكَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ

[Malay] Dan (ingatlah) ketika kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Tunduklah (beri hormat) kepada Nabi Adam”. Lalu mereka sekaliannya tunduk memberi hormat melainkan Iblis; ia enggan dan takbur, dan menjadilah ia dari golongan yang kafir.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate before Adam"; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers

Kalau kita level baca satu ayat ni, terus cakap "shaitan dulu salah satu dari malaikat".. nampak sangat kita belum khatam berguru lagi... a reminder to myself.. jangan nak memandai je nak kekonon cakap shaitan tu dulu malaikat... tapi berlagak.. 

Ayat dalam surah Al-Kahf tu, clearly stated Iblis tu dari jin, yang mana malaikat daripada cahaya, jin datangnya dari api. 

Al-Dahhak, as stated dalam tafsirIbn Katsir, bagitau, "As for the Jinn, they were created from a blade of fire (mārij min nār), which is the tongue of the flame that is at its edge when it blazes"

Terus stuck dekat phrase tongue of the flame at its edge.. pegghhh... kalau orang sains yang study bab combustion ni mesti boleh faham level panas bila flame at its edge ni.. di mana segala proses pembakaran berlaku hingga menyebabkan flame.. di mana ada semuanya konteks yang nak menyebabkan wujudnya api terbakar ... cukup gas, cukup suhu, cukup pressure.. which bila guna perkataan 'cukup' tu, boleh imagine dah bukan kaleng-kaleng... 

Mashaallah.. Allah yang Maha penuh hikmah dan ilmuNya. Siapa kita??? Siapa kata kalau masih tak nak mengaku kita hambaNya, tak ikut pada perintahNya? Lagi hina, kita ikut apa shaytan dan anak-beranak dia dok dakyah kat kita... kalau kita rasa kejadian shaytan tu dah 'power'... boleh ke kita imagine Pencipta Shaytan yang diderhakinya tu? boleh ke kita imagine powernya azab yang dah standby utk shaitan dan pengikut-pengikut dia??? 

Wa iyya dzubillah... moga Allah jauhkan kita dari pengaruh shaytan dan moga Allah lindungi kita dari azab api neraka... 

...

Ok, done dakwah. 

something to ponder upon

 Something deep

...

'Umar ibn 'Uthman al-Makki said, "Knowledge leads, fear drives and the soul lies between that in a display of stubbornness, defiance, deception and deviousness so be cautious of it and tend to it with the tactics of knowledge and make it fearful. You shall then accomplish what you desire." 

Knowledge is an Imam and good deeds ('amal) are the congregation. It is a leader and deeds are the followers. It is a companion when in estrangement, someone to converse with in seclusion and a friend when lonely. It is the clarifier of doubts, the wealth in which there is no poverty if a person were to triumph with its treasures and it is the shelter which brings no loss for the one who seeks its safety. 

Imam Ahmad (may Allah be pleased with him) said, "People are in more need of knowledge than they are of food and drink because a person requires food and drink only once or twice in the day whilst he is in need of knowledge for as long as he is breathing (i.e. alive)." 

“Bringing an end to anxiety”is to bring an end to the heart’s agitation which results from its attachment to the worldly life, its hopes and fears, its love and hate, and its striving for this life.

Sa’ad ibn Waqas to his son, “if you seek to be enriched, seek it through contentment for it’s a wealth that never runs out. And beware of greed, for it is immediate poverty. And be keen on becoming despaired over the worldly life for you will never despair of something except that Allah makes you no longer need it. 

Sebab sayang

 I, finally, loss it! Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal

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It’s not fair. I just want Ramadan to come back, The month where the devils are all locked up. The month of the gates of heavens are wide open. I want it back. I want it for the rest of my living life.

The least, I found peace in it.

I lost it yesteday, and still not winning at times me writing this post.

I was all teary when Aimar was leading the Maghrib prayer. I broke down. As I tried to stay compose when I be the imam for Aivey during Isya’, I was still crying. And I am still teary as I am typing this post.

This is waaaayyyy toooooo much! C’mon! I have been so peaceful during Ramadan, not missing anybody or anything. I went thru Ramadan in peace. I was committed with the nawafils and other sunnah prayers. I was commited in spreading knowledge, as much as gaining it. I was commited in giving sadaqa & charity. I was commited in not sharing too much in the social

media. I was committed. Alhamdulillah 

Yesterday, on the third raya, I lost it! 

…

My raya greetings wasn’t been replied. She didn’t ask how I was. And there was my mom, telling how much ‘baraka’ her youngest daughter earned from her career, as if implying how useless I was.

I lost it there. I lost it when I ‘implied’ when I shouldn’t have!

…

I wasn’t mad at my mom. 

I wasn’t mad at my sister and the clan. 

I just miss them.

At my best, I have done what I deem is right. 

But I guess, I was nobody significant that they could have care less. 

I just hate the way shaytan put it in my heart.

I lost it.

I cried when Abang asked ‘naper, mje?’

“setan tu jahat kan, bang? i miss them! i miss my childhood”

and that was it. I was crying like a small child, while all three of my children witnessed the fragility in their mama.

I lost it!

Abang was empathetic. So did my children.

Yet, after seven years, I guess they’ve run out of consoling words.

“Mje ingat mje dah okay dah. Mje dah stop nangis. Mje dah stop pikir. Sebulan  puasa kali ni, sikit pun mje

tak doa for things to get back to where it used to be. Things won’t. Mje ingat mje dah redha, dah terima apa yang Allah dah takdirkan.”

Tapi, semalam dan hari ni, I lost it for nothing! 

‘Yup, setan memang setan! Tapi, Mje masih ada Allah. mengadulah dekat Dia, mcm yang Mje biasa buat, istiqomah lepas 7 tahun. Buatlah, walau mungkin mkn belasan atau puluhan tahun.’

…

And here I am. Still crying.

Malam Layl Qadr

 I don’t understand human.

malay muslim human, especially.

hari ni dah 28 Ramadan.

dalam sibuk asyik kebanyakan umat menanti 10 malam terakhir Ramadan, masih ramai yang mahu berteka-teki.

‘Semalam malam layl qadr kan? Boleh rasa bangun pagi aura sejuk‘

‘Dua malam lepas malam layl qadr kan? Hujan levat malam tu!’

‘Hadis cakap malam 27 lah mlm layl qadr!!’

Allahu akbar ~ sahabat nabi SAW bukan sorang dua.  Banyak hadis bagitau mlm 21, mlm 23, mlm 27 dan sebagainya. Yang confirmnya, hadis Nabi SAW datang pada sahabah, dan ada dua orang sedang bertelingkah mempersoalkan bila datangnya malam layl qadr. Lepas tu Rasulullah SAW cakap, ‘aku datang kat korang ni sebab nak bagitau lah bila. cumanya, bila korang dah bertegang urat kejap ni, aku terus dilupakan bila malamnya! at least, ianya di 10 malam terakhir Ramadan!’

puff!! camtu je Allah nak setelkan sifat manusia  yang suka nak percaya apa yang dia teka… last2, semua tak mendapat. Alhamdulillah, ada hikmahnya dari ArRahiim.

Yang confirmnya, Nabi SAW banyak beramal in the last 10 days.

Sayyidatina Ayshah RAh ada menyampaikan, Rasulullah SAW bersungguh-sungguh (dalam beribadah) pada sepuluh yang terakhir (dari bulan Ramadhan) melebihi ibadah Baginda pada (hari-hari) selainnya.”

Tips pun Rasulullah SAW dah kabo ~ all out je lah the last 10 Ramadan tu! Tak rugi mana pun… confirm dalam 10, 1 mengena!!! Yang korang sibuk nak berteka-teki mlm semalam, mlm tadi, mlm lusa dah kenapa????? Korang ingat malam lain, malaikat catit amal tu cuti MC sokmo ke????

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Maaflah.. acik bebel sebab cinta gak ni!

Cinta kat semua dan cinta nak tarbiah semua ~ cuma masih belum berkesempatan sebab tingat Rasulullah SAW pesan, kalau takleh nak cakap bebaik, senyap! 

dush!

Far far away from home

Sometimes, I wonder if the decision to allow Aivey to go to MRSM allllll the way in Pengkalan Hulu is a right decision. 

...

After nearing a month, Aivey came back from the hostel yesterday. 

She has been asking if we are sending her off or will she take the bus back to hostel. 

We have paid the bus, it's more valid, for now. 

But then again, deep down, I knew I wanted to send her off. 

For I know, that is what she wanted. 

...

She is a good daughter. 

Being away from home is one. 

Being away far far away from home, is another. 

Being away in a 'foreign' place and putting so much effort to adapt is another thing on top of everything. 

Things aren't easy. 

I knew it. 

I was there. 

I was away from home at the age of 16 ~ all the way in Perlis. 

Somehow, I took up the challenge. 

I was informed that was among the best school at that time. 

I was told I could excel if I were to go there. 

I was inspired to be what my dear abah & mama wanted me to be, a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer, and so I have to go there! It was supposed to be a stepping stone for me to excel. 

Indeed, I went away from home. 

And I went further after that. 

At the age of 18, less that I knew, I was million miles away from home. 

From Perlis to Wales. 

Loooongggg way to go. 

...

So, I have some reservation for Aivey being away from home. 

She's only 13.

and I still pray that she got the nearby SBPs. 

who knows, I would keep on asking Allah for I believe in Him. 

When He says kun, fayakun!

...

I'll talk about the homesickness in my next post, Inshaallah

Recap sebulan lebih...

yada yada

life goes on

...

it has been busy, it has been ups and downs. 

Aivey went to MRSM ~ tak dapat SBP first intake, and Mama is still hopeful, ameen. 

will talk about it nanti, Inshaallah. 

...

Aimar is in panic mode ~ SPM tak sampai baper bulan je lagi. 

Still catching up with his not so strong subjects ~ bio, sejarah, bm and PAI. 

PAI???????

seriously???? 

Alhamdulillah ~ he shared the list of top students in Kemaman. 

He was the 30th. Alhamdulillah. 

Tapi, sebab ada kawan dia jauh tinggal dia, Mama doa jadi motivation dia nak kejar kekawan dia tu. 

Mana tau, ada rezeki, dpt student ulul albab IKEM, ameen. 

...

Aidan is busy with visa application. 

Mashaallah... dah nak ready gi France dah dia, ameen. 

Mama lak in panic mode. 

Tahun depan, takde rezeki Aidan nak bukak posa sama kat Mesia ni, inshaallah. 

...

Subhanallah

Alhamdulillah

Allahuakbar

Banyaknya rezeki baik-baik Allah bagi kat kami semua. 

Hinanya mama kalau masih lupa nak bersujud lama, bersyukur atas cinta yang Allah dah bagi kat kita anak-beranak. 

Semoga bermanfaat adanya. 

Cinta berpada-pada

Terasa nak sambung baca buku Destination Jannah. compilation of talks from The Straight Path Convention series 1. 

Terbaca satu hadis..

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Love whom you love mildly, perhaps he will become hateful to you someday. Hate whom you hate mildly, perhaps he will become your beloved someday.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1997

...

Menarik ~ kalau untuk orang Melayu, kita dah biasa dengan pepatah, 'nak bercinta, berpada-pada; membenci, jangan sekali'

Kalau masa 'jahil' dulu, bercakap tengan cinta ni, mesti relate cinta lelaki-perempuan, pakwe-makwe... memang takdelah terfikir cinta 'halal' suami-isteri, atau cinta pada sesama bangsa, kaum dan jantina, cinta pada negara, cinta pada segalanya. 

So, kita fokus pasal cinta pada manusia dalam konteks posting ni ~ to be specific, pasal cinta pakwe-makwe. 

...

Mama tak suka cerita benda yang tak patut dikenang dan diceritakan. But I guess, at some point, it would be of good use to share with others what I've experience so that you would take admonition and benefit the lesson learned from it. 

I was once young, and soaked in what I thought ' true love'. Not once, not twice..yup, thrice. To some extent, I got overboard. I would say I was then fool ~ but as I reflected back, I am taking my blame for not sticking to my five days prayers obediently. And, I got drowned away with lust!

The people around me encouraged me in some ways. Not blaming them, neither. Yet, it would help if I would have sticked to the right circle. 

Allah knows. 

Of course, if I could turned back time, I would want to erase that 'evil' part of me. But I guess, that's how I grew up, and grew out of it ~ understand myself better, and appreciate the love I have today, Alhamdulillah, Definitely the mercy of Allah, Alhamdulillah. 

So, kids, I'm not stoping you for being in love. Love is always beautiful, especially when it is for the sake of Allah. Just do remember, we are human, and we keep 'forgetting' to remind ourselves, for the sake of Allah. In returns, we got steered away. 

If I would want to share my fair share, I would have not say, bercintalah berpada... I would tell you to learn to love Allah and do everything for the sake of Allah. He will guide you. Should you still struggle with getting closer to Allah, hold it first.. hold the love that your heart rush in to! It's ok, it shall wait.. love (for the creation) waits! Put you priority... Yourself!

Cinta diri

Lepas satu-satu ni'mat Allah bagi.. 
Subhanallah... rasa bercamput-baur... Patutlah hadis Rasulullah SAW ajar, kalau Allah bagi nikmat, alhamdulillah.. kalau dapat musibah pun, Alhamdulillah. 

Tadi, jumpa Rozi, dia share UNAK cakap... bersyukur.. we can only be patience when we are thankful & grateful. 

...

Melimpah-limpah ni'mat Allah bagi kat kami.. especially minggu akhir January baru ni.. 

Dengan Aivey dapat masuk MRSM.. and trying her best to prove to Mama and Aboh yang dia memang dah ready nak masuk asram .. semangat pakai her savings to buy a rug and an alarm clock from Kaison. I am definitely proud of her, Alhamdulillah. 

Lepas tu, 25hb baru ni, Aimar lak share video dia khatam 30 juz... Alhamdulillah... Mama rebah, sujud syukur terus bila dapat perkhabaran. Allahu Akbar.. 

Baiknya Allah.

Lepas tu, Aidan pulak, dalam Mama risau French DELF dia tak lepas ~ Alhamdulillah, he scored 93% and I am impressed. Alhamdulillah... 

Yup, banyak mama nak sembang, berpesan-pesan kat anak-anak untuk jangan berhenti dalam bersyukur... tapi, nak tulis sekarang ni ~ mcm tak logik.. banyak pending belajar KIU dengan Steps To Jannah punya module.. banyak ketinggalan.. kena fokus tu dulu. 

Cumanya, masa Mama bukak blog post ni, jiwa tengah serabut.. tengah 'marah' sebab orang dok blame orang lain for one's lacking... anak tak perform, salahkan sekolah... result tak cemerlang, salahkan kawan... 

Fact is, semua ada hikmah. Kalau sungguh kena cari salah, faham konsep cari salah tu ~ dalam Quran, bila Allah tuju label 'orang-orang yang zalim'.. jangan sedap nak pinpoint kat orang lain... banyak label orang yang zalim tu untuk kita sendiri ~ kita yang zalim pada diri sendiri... kita tahu benda tak betul, kita biarkan sebab nak jaga hati.. kita tahu benda salah, kita buat-buat senyap sebab takde kait-mengait ngan kita... kita tahu benda maksiat, kita masih teruskan bermaksiat sebab 'tugas dan tanggungjawab'.. tugas apa? tanggungjawab pada sapa????? 

Lesson learned is not finding other's fault. An effective lesson learned is to recognize our own fault, be mindful not to repeat it again. Stop blaming others for our own lackings. 

Cinta, suratan atau kebetulan

Suratan atau kebetulan???

...

Terus terngiang-ngiang bait-bait lirik...

Sesuatu yang tak disangka

Seringkali mendatangi kita

Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan

Atau sekadar satu kebetulan 

hahaha ~ don't tell me you don't sing-along... Kalau tak tahu cammana lagu tu, gi google kat youtube or spotify... lagu zaman mama... 

Well, how much life has changes ~ la ni, nak sebut 'search' could be a confusing one instead of the word 'go google'.... 

...

Back to Suratan atau Kebutaln ~ Mama baru register untuk sem 5 KIU, Alhamdulillah... ada 6 subject, and subject wajib Fiqh belajar pasala munakahat. Subhanallah... cantik je timing Allah nak bagi ilmu..... dok beragan nak bercerita tentang cinta, tup tup, Allah suruh belajar baru sembang. 

Something that we, human and hambaNya, selalu lupa walau dok ulang-ulang Nabi SAW pesan ~ jangan main suka-suka nak menipu atas nama Allah.. menipu dalam konteks, cakap tanpa ilmu. Astaghfirullah, ampunkan kami Ya Allah. 

Allahu musta'an, May Allah helps, may Allah guides, allahumma ameen.

...

Talking about suratan atau kebetulan ~ I guess, I need to share some words of 'wisdom' yang tak wisdom mana pun.. but, just a casual talk that I would tell Aidan, Aimar & Aivey. 

It's not fair for me to say - jangan bercinta... kahwin je terus. 

Sebab, cinta tu 'pelik'... dia datang 'tiba-tiba'..

Kalau tetibe, tak habis belajar, tak mampu nak sara hidup sendiri pun lagi.. nak kahwin, dah apa barang, kan???

...

Well, kalau dulu, mama maybe wouldn't resist korang bercinta.. Mama akan pesan, 'jaga adab', 'jaga agama'... but I won't say jangan bercinta. 

I might sound selfish. 

But, I'll just say it out ~ if I were to be asked to say it, now, mama akan pesan , "elak dari bercinta, tak perlu nak amik sangat konsep 'nak kenal dulu'.. kalau dah macam suka, istikharah, lepas tu, kahwin... kalau lepas istikharah, mcm berat hati je nak kawin, don't waste your time... even worst, jangan tambah dosa maksiat.!'

Yup, I'm not sure I will be that strong to apply that concept masa muda dulu. 

Ujian bercinta masa muda ni memang 'lain' sebab syaitan memang kaw-kaw buat kasik feeling, kasik best, kasik syok bercinta cara haram ni... pastu, bila kawin, dah takde 'flick', tak ngam..nak gaduh sokmo 24-7.....

I'm not going to elaborate more on this, in this posting.

What I want to say is that, nak tips bahagia, bukan takat di dunia ~ kekal sampai akhirat.. Buat semua sebab Allah. Mintak tolong Allah. Allah tak pernah aniya sesapa. Dia paling suka hamba yang sentiasa meminta-minta dari Dia. Mintalah Dia pandu kita. Minta Dia jaga kita. 

...

Betul, bila bercinta, semua seronok. 

Gi jejalan sesama. 

Buat surprise sesama. 

Celebrate memacam, makan and spend masa sesama. 

Asyiiiikkkkkkkk, orang kata. 

Tapi, kalau benda kita buat, LillahiTaala, lagi lagi lagi lagi lagi asyiiikkkkkkkk ~ trust me! it's true.

Cinta pada si bongsu

 Ulang kali mama dok cakap, Love is a funny thing. 

Indeed. 

Everyone wants to be in love ~ the feeling ...oooo...aaaaaa... just undescribable.

Describe lah macam mana pun .. mesti takkan sama dengan apa kita rasa ~ no perfect words to it! Sebab, love is sincerity ~ even kita mengaku dalam hati, kita cakap dengan lisan kita buat aksi pergerakan.... masih, kita sendiri tak tahu, betul ke kita ikhlas... kita tak tahu ~ kalau betul kita ikhlas, kenapa solat kita celaru ~ walhal, Lillahi, kita buat kerana Dia. 

Faghfirli Ya Allah.

Yang tahu cuma Allah. 

Semoga, setiap amal kita, setiap kata, setiap shahadah, setiap aksi, Allah terima sepenuhnya.

...

So, back to love ~ cinta buat kita bahagia, cinta juga paling perit bila ia menduga. 

Hari ni, macam semalam..
Mama masih belum sembuh ubat lara. 

Alhamdulillah... Hari tu, Aivey dapat offer MRSM... 

Dari awal waktu lagi, Mama dah bagitau, Mama tak berharap MRSM untuk Aivey. Mama rasa MRSM bukan tempat untuk Aivey. Mama tak jangka Aivey akan dapat offer MRSM, at first attempt. Tak perlu merayu... Alhamdulillah. Baiknya Allah dekat kami. 

Macam yang mama bagitau anak-anak..

Mama doa anak-anak dikumpulkan dengan orang baik-baik. 

Mama nak anak-anak duduk kat tempat baik-baik. 

Aivey dapat MRSM Pengkalan Hulu... mama dengar cerita, memang tempat orang baik-baik. Guru besar sekolah pun, diorang panggil Ustaz. 

Alhamdulillah.

Tapi, mama belum boleh lagi nak digest Aivey nak masuk asrama jauh-jauh tu. 

Dengan usia mama dan kesihatan mama yang tak seberapa ni, Mama tahu Mama jadi selfish bila Mama cakap, Mama tak nak Aivey masuk asrama. 

Semalam, pergi Kaison, Aivey beli rug for her room, using her own money. Satu-satu duit syiling dia kira depan kaunter. She wanted to buy the alarm clock too ~ "saya nak cuba bangun sendiri. Nanti, dekat asrama, saya kena bangun sendiri. Macam-mana abang-abang bangun bila Mama takde kejutkan ye?"

Mama tak tahu nak jawab cammana... mama masih belum puas kejut awak bangun, Vy. Antara semua orang, awak paling mudah nak bangun. Bila mama kejut awak, mama pangku awak, mama usap rambut kepala awak, mama baca ayat Allah Ta-ha ayat 1 sampai 5, dan Alam Nsyrah... bertahun-tahun mama istiqomah. 

Nanti, mama tak dapat kejut awak macam tu lagi. 

Mama tak tahu cammana Vy.

Mama tahu, Mama selfish to stop you.. 

sebab awak dah cuba macam-macam gaya, just to tell me, "Ma, I'll be ok as long as you pray for me. Saya nak jadi baik, saya nak duduk dengan orang baik-baik."

Allahu musta'an. Jaga dia untuk kami, Ya Allah. 

Cinta 'cable'

Mengarut sungguh lah acik ni.. 
In my draft boz, ada 2 pending post ~ nak cakap pasal love in giving, and love to receive ni'mat.. 

I hope, I have the courage to complete it, one day, Inshaallah. 

Nak citer sekarang, would give me sad mood, and I never think love deserve sad mood ~

For whatever it is, love should only be love. 

Kekadang orang citer pasal sadness, especially for those who have found love and lost it, be it daripada panggilan Ilahi, or just it ~ takde jodoh, which, actually, masih kehendak dan panggilan Ilahi... apa-apa yang jadi kat kita ni, suka tak suka, semua datang dari Allah, semua ketentuanNya... dah tertulis, even before kita lahir lagi. 

Tapi, that doesn't mean kita takde kuasa memilih.. we do ~ Allah bagi guidance, Allah bagi kelangsungan kekuatan untuk kita memilih mana baik mana buruk. Allah tahu dah mana kita pilih. Dan apa yang kita pilih tu lah, yang jadi hala tuju kita... Allahu musta'an... minta doa sokmo Allah bagi mudah. 

Since the last time I wrote and post in this blog, banyak ni'mat Allah bagi. 

The love of Allah for His hamba to either bersyukur atau lupa diri. Takut sangat bila dah dapat ni'mat, terus rasa because I earned it. Jangan! Jauhkan lah rasa tu dari diri.. Sebab semua Allah bagi. 

Aivey dapat masuk MRSM ~ ada sikit berasa hati bila ada geng tak pernah-pernah wasap, tetibe cakap... 'takpe, boleh guna kabel mintak tukar MRSM dekat-dekat.'

Well, it's human... apa dia nampak, itu dia cakap ~ ikut dia conclude sendiri. 

Macam Ain dapat fly ke UK lepas SPM while many others stranded due to economic crisis ~ I'm sure mesti ramai yang rasa, dia fly mesti guna cable. If ada yang fikir camtu, please, you might be wrong. My mom was just a telephonist, pangkat rendah dari clerk kot ~ end up, tolak duit bayar hutang loan rumah, she took away around RM50 ko sebulan... habis lain semua bayar loan! Tu sebab dia rajin cari duit, buat bisnes!!! So, stop the nonsense pikir saya guna kabel. Semua Allah bagi and I did not use 'cable' mama saya. Saya SPM qualified untuk apply IB under UWC.. Alhamdulillah, I excelled the interview dengan Tan Sri Awang Had Salleh.. and I got the scholarship ~ cuma adalah mama guna cable nak tukarkan dari UWC Canada gi UWC AC in UK... walaupun saya dah excited nak sambung belajar kat Canada..huhuhuhuhu

So, back to cucu-cucu nenek ~ Aidan earned 100% his admission for IGCSE MRSM TAR. Of course sebab Allah bagi.  Cuma, when he was severely bullied by his batchmate kat sana ~ I went to HQ, sent them a letter and requested to be change... Masa tu nenek dah pencen.. nak kata cable, I doubt it. But I do am communication with my ex-teacher, who was then the Pengarah untuk MRSM, Cikgu ManLaw. Alhamdulillah... Allah bagi mudah. 

Aimar, despite scored 6A for UPSR, did not get the offer the first time. Lepas buat rayuan, he was offered ~ cuma masa tu, dia dah tawar hati and decided to proceed with IMTIAZ, Alhamdulillah... semua Allah bagi. Masa buat rayuan, tak guna cable nenek pun. 

As for Aivey, Alhamdulillah... despite mama so skeptical dia dapat MRSM, she earned every bits, Alhamdulillah. Semua Allah bagi. She was not a band 6 students.. Unlike her cousin who excelled and went to tuition religiously, Aivey pulled through while her cousin tak dapat MRSM, for she didn't passed the UKKM exam. She was so upset, seharian tak gi sekolah. Kalau betul boleh guna kabel, mesti nenek dah tolong mintak adjust masuk kan cucu sorang tu... As for Aivey ni, nenek sangat berat hati nak suruh dia gi sambung... memang buah hati pengarang jantung.. huhuhuh

Apa-apa pun, Alhamdulillah... 
Semua Allah bagi. If one wants to claim, ye, saya pakai cable ~ tapi bukan cable mama saya. 

Adalah cable doa kawan-kawan yang bersambung terus Allah makbulkan. 

Mungkin cable kami as parents berharap berdoa, Allah perkenankan. 

Alhamdulillah.. 

Mana-mana pun, confirm cable yang kasik lulus, kasik campak mana-mana sekolah, semua cable Allah. And Allah, confirm bagi yang terbaik. 

So, mana-mana pun tercampaknye nanti anak-anak, confirm yang baik-baik dan kenalah diorang semua usaha yang terbaik nak maintain baik-baik.. allahumma ameen

The test to be grateful

I'm reading a book from Sh Ghazi about Love in the Quran. I'm only on page 43 out of 540+ pages.. hahaha, good luck me!

So, what about love that I wanted to talk about in this post? 

.....

I was having a good long breakfast at The Majestic Hotel, KL earlier this morning. Alhamdulillah. 

After sending Aivey off to school, then Abang at his training course @ Four Seasons by Sheraton in the Chinatown area, I went back to the hotel ~ we got to stay for a night there and we checked in yesterday. 

I was used to 4-star, 5-star hotels in KL ~ since I was small, my dad used to bring us for good treat and celebrations. Abang is not so fancy with hotels and posh lifestyle. He preferred home with no hassle and 'free-and-easy' all-day. He didn't grow up in a 'fancy' posh lifestyle like I did. So, I don't blame him. Yet, I always have this idea to splurged my kids with such lifestyle so that they could have what I had. Of course, their aboh doesn't think it's a good idea, and he has all the valid reasons and justifications for that. I have to obliged. After all, he is the paymaster.. hahaha

Alhamdulillah. 

I guess, not having used to such lifestyle help us a lot when we were tested of no income for four years ~ yup, I stopped working and two years after that Aboh lost his job... We used up all his savings for the first two years, lived by the kids ASBs and the EPFs the next six months, and here and there, got through some cash from Wan & Kak Ani. Alhamdulillah...  somehow, we survived and I really witnessed the truth of the words of Allah: 

 وَمَا مِن دَآبَّةٖ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱللَّهِ رِزۡقُهَا وَيَعۡلَمُ مُسۡتَقَرَّهَا وَمُسۡتَوۡدَعَهَاۚ كُلّٞ فِي كِتَٰبٖ مُّبِينٖ

There is no moving creature on earth but upon Allah is its provision. He knows its place of dwelling and its place of rest; everything is [written] in a clear Record [ Hud 11:6]

Subhanallah ~ not a single creature on Earth, but upon Allah is its provision. Tu sebab orang Melayu cakap, "ulat dalam batu pun boleh hidup!!"

Subhanallah ~ how can we not love Him when He has given us so much and not charging us and wanting anything in return? Not even our worship!! For, our worship is for us, to be rewarded. Subhanaallah. Mashaallah. Allahuakbar. 

...

So, what is it about love that I would like to talk in this post??

The love of those material poshy lifestyle. 

Remind yourselves, dear children, it's nothing but a test! So, you better excel it well for you've been there and done that and you will surely go through the test so that you could secure the eternal poshy lifestyle in Jannah, allahumma ameen. 

It is nice to be pampered around, have everything you want, at your leisure time, at the comfort of the great spacious hall when everyone surrounding you are ready to serve you. Mashaallah, imaging getting that service (and more) 24-7 in Jannah!

I'm not kidding ~ open the Quran and read up!

...

I have always be a lucky girl. I got a dad who cared, and now my hubby is spoiling me and I'm sure my kids will treat me well too in future, allahumma ameen. 

That is all Allah's gift. Alhamdulillah.

And not for simply give the gifts, for the rewards in the Hereafter will be much much much superb. It's a test, a test should I'd be grateful and pay it forward or I'll just got soaked in the worldly materials. May I passed it with flying colours, ameen. 

We are all ~ being tested. 

And for the love of Allah, we are where we are and may we pass the test, excelently. Ameen.

Tema Cinta

Mama rasa (dan harap), tahun ni, Mama nak bersembang pasal cinta, cinta, cinta dan cinta dan lagi dan lagi dan lagi... 

Anak-anak pun dah meningkat dewasa ~ adulting, omputeh kata. 
Antara ujian kehidupan, always and forever, is CINTA

Mama dok study definition 'Cinta' dalam Qur'an, and Islam in general..... masih mencari, harap bertemu nanti-nanti, Ameen.. 
Tapi, satu obeservation yang Mama dapat is that, there's no fix definition on love, but how we act upon love is everywhere... 

Yup, cinta itu bukan kata nama. 

Cinta itu kata kerja

Bila jadi kerja, ada sifat dia yang tertentu, yang akan keluarkan hasil ikut situasi, keadaan, waktu dan sebagainya. 

Mat salleh cakap, "Love is Complicated"

I guess, after 46 years old living my life, I should have basically the 'rough' idea 'how' love is, not 'what' love is. 
...

dalam blog ni, banyak dah  mama citer pasal cinta... memacam. 

but as for now, let's talk about the ultimate cinta ~ Cinta pada Yang Maha Mencipta

Cinta yang tak akan mengecewakan

Cinta yang bila gusar, gelisah, gunah, gelabah, semuanya pasti tak akan berkelana

Cinta yang menjamin bahagia berkekalan, literally

Cinta yang semua orang wajib usaha nak dapat, simpan dalam jiwa..

Cinta yang buat hidup mati selamanya kalau hilang sekelip cuma

Mama dulu pernah confuse..
Allah itu Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang..

Itu aja yang Mama ingat.. 

Sekarang Mama nak kasi ingat kat anak-anak

Ye, Allah itu Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang, dan tak pernah dambakan kasih dan sayang kita.. 

Kita yang perlu tergila-gilakan kasih dan sayangNya

Usahalah nak... pulun bagai nak rak, nak raih kasih dan sayang Dia

Cemburulah kamu pada mereka yang mendapat kasih dan sayangNya

Bermatianlah kamu untuk kasih dan sayangNya

Jangan jadi orang yang rugi, kosong, dek kerana kamu hilang kasih dan sayangNya

Ketahuilah kamu, jika ada suatu ketika kamu lupa akan kasih dan sayangNya, segeralah berlari mendapatkanNya semula... kerana Dia sentiasa menanti hambaNya yang sentiasa ingin kembali padaNya. 

Benar nak. 

Tak kenal maka tak cinta

Kenal siapa Tuhan yang tak pernah putus kasih dan sayangNya pada hambaNya

Jatuh cinta padaNya

Dan berdoalah agar cinta itu kekal hingga ahkhir hayat, yang akan membawa kita ke Syurga bahagia, allahumma ameen

Recap 2023

It has only been 6 days, and I have achieved ssooooooo much... 
Kalut Mama sorang ni, nak tolong graduation momentos lah, presentations lah, deco lah mende2 lah

Pastu, dok pi setel SMK application ~ suka hati je nak gi PPD, submit borang.. takde sijil berhenti sekolah. Dan yang peliknya, pegawai PPD tu main terima je borang tu, walaupun staf kat kaunter tu mcm tak puas hati..
That is the small things of rahmat dan rezeki Allah beri.. takde kuasa memana pun, biidznillah, yang lembutkan hati pegawai PPD, dah mata mereka untuk accept borang tak complete.. 
Tapi, as usual.. Mama dah tengah kalut gak ni ~ macam kena 'harass' ustaz suruh siapkan sijil berhenti sekolah minggu depan so that nanti mama boleh follow up pastu.

I've completed my notes set Steps to Jannah Hadith 6 and I am very happy. 

And now, tengah kalut UASA Aivey ngan nak perabis baca Quran utk dia cepat2 khatam.. 

...

too many in my list. 

Moga Allah permudahkan..ameen

...

So, we bid farewell to 2023. 
Alhamdulillah, as much as the 'pahit' and 'masam'. the manis & indah moments should outweighed them, Alhamdulillah. 

I personally am always grateful. 

Managed to have a great session & selfies with Dr Haifaa, Dr Rania, KJ, Nouri.. it was great. 
Honestly, my 'fangirling' is real.. and that what inspired me to work harder.. I want to meet Rasulullah SAW. I want to be with the Companions and their gathering. and of course, I want my family to be with me as well. 

Abang was doing great with KBB as well. Alhamdulillah. 
As for now, he decided to stay around offshore routines, just a supervisor ~ though there's an opportunity for him to grab the OIM post. Dia taknak serabut, and I can respect his decision. At these age, malas nak pikir hal dunia. Allah bagi kami rezeki cukup dah untuk kami.. berlebih-lebih dah kalau nak banding ngan orang lain. Nak tambah serabut, buat pe.. Alhamdulillah. I am so grateful to have such a responsibile hubby and great icon for our children. Biarlah orang nak kata apa pasal dia.. bukan diorang yang tidur sebantal ngan dia. Orang tak tahu how struggle he was nak layan kerenah bini yang keras kepala sorang ni. Orang tak tahu how difficult he was nak pujuk bini yang asik nak sedih depress nangis tetibe berkurung dalam bilik. Orang tak tahu.. orang takde.. yang selalu ada, dia.. and of course, Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah

Aidan had a year by himself. Completed his MRSM journey with excellence. Indeed, so proud of him and his achievements, despite bad starts masa masuk form 1 as MRSM students. Dia cakap masa graduation, "I felt like I've been robbed when I was in lower formers." I told him, "but you surely a champion when you ended it! Alhamdulillah." 

1. Anugerah Perdana - Dean's List dari form 1 sampai form 5 every semester

2. Scored above 3.5 (rasa dia dapat 3.8pts kot), top 10 dalam form 5 utk grad form 5

3. BWP, LDP, Captain Hockey, States selection.... he did great

4. SPM ~ mcm tak caya je dapat pegang placard 9A..Alhamdulillah... A- utk BM, yang lelain A and A+.
5. Dapat offer MFI and now striving belajar French in few months, moga dapat sambung belajar France tahun ni.. ameen ameen ameen

Dia pernah jatuh cinta..masa form 5.. tapi, habis form 5, mcm putus cinta.. agghhh... bercerita pasal cinta ~ mama kena blog lain lah...

Aimar pun, alhamdulillah.. ended 2023 dengan 27 juz patut dijaga dan moga Allah permudahkan dia untuk menjaganya. Belajar pun, mama tengah berdebar UASA ni.. ameen. But, highlights 2023 dia:

1. wakil Kemaman untuk Kem Pena Daie Terengganu

2. wakil Terengganu untuk Kem Pena Daie Kebangsaan

3. sukan ~ tak terkira.. asal semua dia boleh main, dia gi... bola tampar, bola, lawan penalti, swimming... apa2 je lah

4. more street smarts ~ meniaga service iron baju, satu baju RM2.

5. berlakon masa birthday sir shahir was cute.. mama simpan citer Aimar dan sir Shahir.. nanti mama blog.. but, i have nothing to say but thank you Sir.. thank you for being tegas and garang with him.. rotan itu, pasti dia tak lupa. jadi imam sebab bangun lambat pun, pasti dia ingat. 

Alhamdulillah.. Aimar will be find, alhamdulillah. 

Aivey.. pun banyak citer. Mama cuma masih denial how she has grown up. Prep untuk PKSK, UKKM.. definitely something telling me, 'about time'. Mama simpan citer Aivey.. nanti grad bulan 2, mama citer panjang lebar. 
...
2024 is something to look forward to. 

My me time with Abang.

Aidan will be flying to France, ameen.

Aimar will khatam 30 juz hafazan, and seat for his SPM, ameen. 

Aivey will be in Form 1.. ada rezeki masuk asrama (tapi kena khatam baca Quran)..ameen

Robbi yasser wa laa tu'asser.
Permudahkan Ya Allah. 

Ameen Ya Rab

Ameen