Mana kamu?

How did Yusuf A.S. do it? How could he utter 'laa tasrib' to those who dumped him in that well, left him alone in the dessert and they even sold him at low price to the Bedouin as if he has no values at all? How did he do it?

I wish I have the strength. I pray Allah gives me strength. I used to be strong and I am still strong ~ yet, when being confronted with this feelings, I just lose it all. 

How could I act as if everything ok when everything is not ok? How can I fake it? How can I forgive and forget what had happened to me and my family. When I said family, I meant MY family, me myself, my dear husband, my beloved children Aidan, Aimar and Aivey. 

We were struggling when my husband lost his job. We literally has no income, and all we know we have is Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah. 

Of course, I am all grateful for my brother-in-law, Wan and his wife, CT... we owed it to them. And my sis-in-law, Kak Ani. They were our source of income back then. Satu sen pun tak berkira. They give and give and give. 4 years without a job. It's not easy! We had to make big decisions for the kids. Aidan was struggling adapting hostel life, and so did Aimar. Aivey sacrificed and had to opt for homeschooling, like it or not. Alhamdulillah.... They were so many beautiful people supporting us. Au, Rozi, K Has, Shaz, Khairani... and even Eman... those are among the few that never stop extending financial aids and du'a to us. We can never repay them. Ya Allah, please grant them a place in Jannah for they have help a struggle family. 

But, my other sibling never came to rescue. Yes, she bought nearly half a million condo, she bought a comfy Volvo SUV, but she didn't bother asking for our wellbeing. I wasn't blaming her. I was at wrong myself. Might be my ego tor hers that broke us apart. I was angry at her and so did she. It was nobody's fault. It was shaytan. We were two losers who listened to the devil's whisperers and lost it. 

Alhamdulillah, things getting better and better. I'm happy for her and her children. I'm truly am. She never seek forgiveness from her, and I knew I did via text and email, but I never get any reply from her where she has forgiven me or not. Yet, things are getting better, though a bit awkward. 

I don't want to hate her. I regret thinking back of what I did wrong. I didn't blame her 100%.. I was partly to be blame. 

But today, I'm just as hurtful as I felt few years ago. Those years when Aidan was in Alor Gajah, and she was in the area for her in-laws are there, and she never care to visit Aidan. Aidan did asked me when he was in Form 1, "why didn't they come by and say hi? Aren't they are around the area?" I shut Aidan off. I don't have an answer... but it's so difficult for me to forget that question. 

This morning, my parents were telling me, she wanted to buy a pair of shoes for Aidan so that Aidan could wear it when he depart for Marseille. I am not comfortable with that idea. Definitely not!! 

I know, I shouldn't feel such way. Shame on me! I failed me!!! 

But why? why now? where were they when we really need the support? where were they when I have RM0 literally in my account and has nowhere to go but stay at home, inventing activities with my kids, hoping they would be as happy as others for their holidays would just be on the car porsh, the toilet and the balcony. Where were they????
Astaghfirullah al-azeem. 

Ya Allah, forgive us, Ya Allah. Forgive me Ya Allah