Reassurance

 Subhanallah

I was disturbed since last night ~ perhaps I was just so tired, being stuck in horrible traffic from Karak to Gombak for nearly two and half hours. Ealier today, I decided to write a post in this blog... an 'intimate' emotional blog, a blast from the past ~ I even published the post:

and honestly, I was sooo relieved after I posted it, without any guilt feelings hoarding over me (which usually would happen if I felt guilty being too honest in my blog and end up putting the post back to draft)...

Alhamdulillah ~ and so I thought! I've said it and I knew I've speak 'the truth', truly from my heart. 

Only to be getting a knock, a hard one, on my head, which touched my heart. Alhamdulillah...

...

As I was eating my lunch-or-dinner (could be both), I browsed the FB watch and stumble upon DrMaza clip. I didn;t really listen / watch DrMaza because his clip would normally take more than 5 minutes and if I were to watch more than 5 minutes clip, I need pen and paper!

But, I watched that clip. 

He was telling me about Moses's mom ~ how empty she felt when she let go of her son by the river, not knowing what was going to happen to him! DrMaza recite the verse from the Quran:

[Al-Qasas 28:10]

وَأَصۡبَحَ فُؤَادُ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ فَٰرِغًاۖ إِن كَادَتۡ لَتُبۡدِي بِهِۦ لَوۡلَآ أَن رَّبَطۡنَا عَلَىٰ قَلۡبِهَا لِتَكُونَ مِنَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِينَ

The heart of Moses’ mother became restless; she was about to disclose it, had We not reassured her heart so that she would maintain her faith [in Allah’s promise].

..which in return, touched my heart!

......

Subhanallah, I am no sane, not as near as pious as Moses's mom...but, by being triggered to listen to that 17 mins clip on FB watch for no reason, is something!

When I was so distressed last night, I asked Allah.. I wasn't asking why people do bad things for I myself did the same. What I don't understand, how could people pretend that nothing had happened after all the torments, the conflicts, the bad accusations and all? How could people thought that the duit raya that they wanted to give to my kids would made up all the time when we were abandoned when we got nothing but You? How could people, you own blood relatives able to give you a cheek-to-cheek hug when they met you because they thought time had heal and you were ok?

I'm not okay. 

I doubt I would ~ but I trust I have Allah to comfort me. 

As a matter of fact, I thank them for they drew me close to Allah. and I never stop praying that Allah brings them closer to Him just like He does to me. 

I am so comfortable with where I am now, that I am worry that I would be abandon for my own mistake taking Allah for granted, na'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, never ever let me manage myself, not even a split second or in a blink of eyes ~ 

Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakeel

...

Back to Moses's mom, Al-Qasas 10-13 were verses about a mom's feelings and loves... She was given an ilham to just 'sail' her baby off down the river Nile, and she did it for she was guided. But she's a human, and most importantly, she's a mom. She was worried the instant she did it. Her heart felt empty and she nearly wanted to tell everyone about it. 

Subhanallah, exactly how I felt when I was writing my post yesterday.. I wasn't sure how I felt ~ I was mad, I was tired, I was angry and all sorts... and my mind couldn't shut off from the incidence that happened years ago... I still feel bad, I still feel like an outcast and I know I will still feel it until I heard their explanation of why they did what they did ~ all I ever wanted is to talk, peacefully, and to know the truth from their side of stories.. 

But it seems far. That was why I resorted to just be kind and put it a pause. 

But what a liar I am if I told everyone, I'm ok, I'm fine, we're ok! We are not okay. 

What I've gone thru all by myself, alhamdulillah, my my husband and anak3, was not something ok! It was horrible what they did to me. 

And here I am, was invited to the walimah, something that is obligated on a muslim, their walimah, as if nothing ever happened between us. 

I was invited like I was a distance outsider rather than a girl who grew up with them. 

I was invited formally, kindly and that was it.

Nope, I'm not family ~ I do not have to buy those baby blue theme dress that they are going to where because I'm not part of them. 

I was invited to sit and eat and come with any colour of clothing and leave after I eat. 

I was invited at specific location and time. 

Alhamdulillah.

I am sad, I am mad.

and listening to the clip about Al-Qasas 10-13 is enough. Alhamdulillah. 

It's funny for I never made du'a and asked Allah about how should I reacted on the invite. 

But Allah knows! He knows what is outside, and moreover inside us. 

Allah knows the future just like when He asked Moses mom to do something unthinkable for He knew!

O Allah, help me, Ya Allah. Guide me to the path that You redha. Steer me to your tawfiq, Ya Alah. And never let me manage myself for I am such a fool and I am those who at lost if I was not guided by You, wa a'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, my nafs still in doubts, lots of doubts, on what should I do ~ but I pray to You, Ya Allah, do reassure my heart just like you did to Moses's mom, so that I would maintain in faith and be Your obedience slave, Ya Allah. 

Ameen Allahumma Ameen.