When you just lose it

 I've been strong for so loooonnngggg

...

For the past two days, I've been at my best to be strong and stay strong - this fajr, I was defeated. It's not fair! It's pretty much not fair! 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal, All praise to Allah over every single things that happened. 

What she did to me is 'unfair'... as much as I wanted to stand firm for my ego, I would felt guilty - honestly, it wasn't that I was missing her or any of them. Wallahi, it's what Allah's concern - everytime I felt like I didn't do much to mend the broken silaturrahim, would be that day I would go to the IG and FB and stalked her. I lose it when I started texted her, and trust me, I wasn't expecting any reply for alhamdulillah, I knew that I was just preparing on The Meeting Day when I will be asked what I did and know that I did what I did, alhamdulillah. 

Yet, syaitan will never fail to mock and tease me. That was when my messages were neither being replied nor with just an 'ok'... The feeling of being mad, being low, being angry would triggered right away. 

...

So, all this while, I would have Abang around for raya - I guess, that's why I wasn't worry much about the soalan, raya mana tahun ni? Home is where the heart is, and I have my heart with me. So, I was ok. 

But not this raya. I was with the kids minus Abang. Our morning raya, after the prayers - was to go to Atok's only to find out they were out to Kg Baru... 

Kg Baru used to be my playground, but the last time I went there, back in 2018 (maybe), I was told to leave and never to come there - "ko pergi, pergi dari rumah ni, jangan datang-datang!"... and it always feel awkward whenever I came around after that - it has become just like many other house, strangers house; not where I was raised by. 

Nenek, Ain rindu. Ain rindu sesangat... 

Nenek, doa Ain nak mati macam nenek, mati dalam rumah Allah, dalam solat, dengan aurat terjaga rapi. Amiin. 

Nenek, Ain nak jumpe nenek kat syurga nanti, Amiin..

So, Atok wasn't home and the kids were hungry, so, we decided to have breakfast at the Pavilion - with those early visitors who weren't celebrating raya... Yup, our ketupat rendangs that morning of the Raya 1443H was Dome Chicken Pie, Pancakes, Fish & Chips and Spicy Chicken Wings, alhamdulillah. 

...

I've been staying strong on the day of raya and yesterday - it just that, this morning, I broke down!