Wednesday, November 26, 2014

happy anniversary, evil you!

I realized that I've 'stop' writing about my health condition for quite a while.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I really feel, whether I'm healthy or not.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I would react, whether to laugh or cry.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I should be, whether to endure or surrender.
Fact is - it's everything and anything.
It's been a year! Yup! At these time last year, I was nervous, cried buckets of tears, worried, in grievance and tried to put my daily happy face just to tell everybody I'll be fine.
Yup! It was these time, last year.

(Now I know why I can't write about my health updates! It's too much to take. I haven't started talking about it, yet I'm crying mentally!)

Truth is, I don't know how, where and what to start ranting about when people asked me "how are you doing?"
It was a genuine question. People do want to know how I'm doing.
I just didn't know if I should start blabbering telling about all the traumatizing experience  I went through or describing how tiring of me being weak most of the time, even after a year.
Usually, I would just answer them the truth "Alhamdulillah, I'm coping well. I beat the evil cancer!!"
Fact is - the treatment left a very significant mixed feeling whenever I think about it. Though I've beat cancer, I still couldn't get things out of my mind..

Cancer is evil. It was nothing when you didn't realized it. And suddenly, pop! Out of sudden, you were all weak. Friends, take it from me, find time for yourself and your loved one. Get a health screening package, check your body out. Yup, if it's faith, it is..but, even in the Quran do tell us "usaha".. work things out! Get it done - mammogram, pap smear - everything. Live a healthy life. Go organic, if you could. Eat good cleaned food. Reduced junk! Yup, it's not easy. I'm in a remission and still couldn't get these right.. but, we can just try, try! They don't simply prevention is better than cure for nothing. It's true, prevention is better than cure.

I've completed my whole treatment cycle in March, and here I am, after eight month, still on my road of recovery.

It is tiring.

Nope, I'm not complaining.
But allow me to explain.

The recovery is terrifying.
The tasteless buds is saddening.
The burning throat is unbearable.
The buzzing noise seems to consistently humming in the ears.
The runny nose is a never-ending issue.
The breakdown of the nerves system is a frequent dilemma.
The physical imbalanced judgement is frustrating...o my, it's endless

It was horrifying and still haunting.

The chemotherapy kills all the bad and good cells.
My blood cells reduced, and still counting. The red, white blood cells and everything.. it is still low for the body to cope.
I got sick easily. Like a baby.
In a week, I would have fever, coughs and everything under the sun.
I went to the GPs and got fed-up after a while.
Tiredness is a disease too. I could sleep for days.
If a 'normal' person could still survive after Wednesday, my week got shorten.
Should I have a full Monday, my body started to feel tired on Tuesday, and got weak on Wednesday and by Thursday I could collapsed. It took me three days to rejuvenate!
After a while, this routine is ruining me.
I became grumpy.
I felt useless.
Most of the house chores done by my husband, and I could hardly accompany him for a chat while him doing chores just because I prefer sleeping.
Things got tenses once a while.
I felt tired.
Everything is irritable to me, yet, I thought I was being rational though I doubt it.
There were one time that I went to the GP, complaining of headache and toothache and she referred me to the dentist. The dentist then checked and told me it was the sinus. My sinus vessel has been filled up with fluid.
Of sudden, instead of fluid flowing out from my nose, it came out from the ears! Yup, you read it right, from the EARS!
It was scary, but the onco, with his straight faced, told us "It's the normal effect for those who completed the head and neck radiotherapy. The issues with the ears and the nose will always be there for the next two or three or maybe even five years. The radiotherapy killed all the cells and hairs at the area, hence, everything is developing new. As for now, the nose and ears are 'unprotected'"
My emotions fluctuate highs and lows.
I could be angry and screaming on top of my lung.
I could get violent.
I could just stop talking and shut everything off.
I could cry non-stop just because it was raining.

As I would say it..
I'm tired of getting tired
I'm tired of getting sick
I'm sick of getting sick
I'm sick of getting tired
But it was all a blessing.
A great blessing.
As I read the Quran yesterday, tears flowing.
I have no idea what I was reading.
I don't bother reading the tafseer.
But I was crying.

Betapa cantik bahasa Allah.
Betapa merdu susun lagunya.
Betapa agung ayat-ayatnya.
Betapa mahal patah baitnya.
Betapa bertuah diri ini, dilahirkan dengan agama semulia ini, diberi nikmat dunia akhirat.

It's all up to oneself.

Kalau baik mintaknya, baiklah jadinya.
Kalau lalai melata, usah disalahkan Maha Pencipta.
It was a ride.
But as the days passed, I cried today for the blessing.

My auntie cooked the best assam pedas, sambal ayam, ikan bakar with the greatest air assam.
I was her number one fan when it comes to food.
I remembered how guilty she was when we had a makan-makan few months ago and she've prepared all the food in everyone's list and overlooked on my 'disability' at that time.
I was crying when all I had was a plain rice with fried egg.
It was unfair.
I couldn't take spicy food. Even the ikan kicap was spicy for me!

Last week, after nearly a year, on the day I was crying and made my colleagues teary, too (don't deny me girls, I knew you were!), throwing tantrums, pulling out dramas and stormed out from the office, Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim, Maha Pengasih Ya Allah gave me among the greatest gift.. the sensation to withstand the spicy air assam.. After a year!!! All the small things!!!!!!!!

Surah Hud, Ayat 9,10&11:

Dan demi sesungguhnya! Jika Kami rasakan manusai sesuatu pemberian rahmat dari Kami kemudaian Kami tarik balik pemberian itu daripadanya, mendapati dia amat berputus asa, lagi amat tidak bersyukur. 

Dan demi sesungguhnya! Kalau Kami memberinya pula kesenangan sesudah dia menderita kesusahan, tentulah dia akan berkata: Telah hilang lenyaplah dariku segala kesusahan yang menimpaku. Sesunggnya dia (dengan kesenangannya itu) riang gembira, lagi bermegah-megah (kepada orang ramai). 

Kecuali orang-orang yang sabar dan mengerjakan amal soleh maka mereka itu akan beroleh keampunan dan pahala yang besar.

Who am I kidding!
It has always been a blessing.
I got sick, but my kids were taking care of.
They got to one of the good school. They performed well. They even memorize few of the juz amma which I didn't managed to up till now.
The stubborn me learned and still learning to be a better muslimah, wife, mother and daughter.
The material world which seems never enough is actually suffice.
The nikmat are abandon..
Yes, I regret that I didn't realized how much Allah loves us before I was diagnosed with cancer.
Tapi syukur, sebab cancer, I wanted to change to a better life.
It feels great to know the purpose of living.
It time to achieve.
Jom semua, kita work towards Jannah, Insyaallah.


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