Friday, July 27, 2018


I planned to just share an FB posting on Aimar's yesterday.
I realized I didn't 'talk' or share much about him as compared to AbgDan and VV.
I felt so bad.
I was such a horrible mama!

But then again, I realized that whenever I wanted to share news about him, I'd have such a long posting and explanation which resorted to me blogging ..

and today, I'm doing the same thing, blogging about him.
I don't really know how to start.
I wanted to post pictures on the notes he made and pasted on his wall... but I always wanted to find 'the right time' and it seems like it never came.
Yesterday, I received a text message from his teacher.
I was at the neighbourhood mamak with my dear husband, and as I read the text, I was teary.
A feeling of 'terharu', grateful syukur, happy, confused all mixed up as one.

His teacher wrote to me, telling what he did.

His teacher saw the need of telling me this because she knew her student so well! 
Aimar has always been an 'active' boy who couldn't sit still in a long time. 
He always love to help out. 
There were few occassions when I waited for him by the masjid lepas solat jumaat dan dia tak muncul-muncul lagi while para jemaah semua dah clear balik. 
'Kenapa Aimar lambat?'
'Aimar tolong lipat sejadah tadi ma. Ada pakcik tu bagi Aimar RM2.'
'Ok. Dah tu, mana duit?'
'Aimar masuk dalam tabung masjid'
Masa tu, hati mama yang tengah panas rasa nak bebel tunggu dia tak muncul-muncul, terus rasa bersalah dan terharu. 
Alhamdullillah, Allah bagi mudah untuk mama dapat anak soleh macam Aimar, ameen.
Masa dekat sekolah, he would be the first to help his friends when they have 'toilet incidents'.. 
I remembered when he was in Std1 and one of his friend's mom texted me asking, 'you mama aimar ye?'... Masa tu, mama dah panik dah ' apalah aimar buat kat anak orang ni.'
And the mom was asking when was Aimar's birthday as she wanted to give Aimar a gift for being so helpful with his son. Apparently, his son did have problem adapting with other friends and Aimar was so kind to approach and befriend him. Alhamdullillah. 

So, back to to the message from his teacher, hari tu ada 'sembang' ngan teacher dia masa PTC.. and we both agree that Aimar ni 'susah' nak mintak maaf... even for obvious mistakes he made. My husband and I have been highlighting this issue for quite a while. We tried our best to address it at our best to encourage...not to ensure that he learned to accept his mistakes and apologize. I even personally doa in asked 'Ya Allah, mudahkan Aimar untuk melihat dan mengaku kesilapan2nya'

And apologize is not simply and apologize. 
We do take an act of apologizing seriously. 
Orang kita, kekadang nak tutup citer takmo drag pepanjang, mintak maap je lah. 
Orang kita, bila ada tak puas hati ke apa ke, masa raya salam ' maap ek, 0-0' and that's it!
Kena ubah mindset ni. 
As we teach Aimar, and also AbgDan and VV, mintak maaf ada adab dan caranya. 
Maaf is understand what you've done wrong, admitting your mistake, learn from it and promise not to do it again. 
Itu baru betul mintak maaf. 
(and that is why, bila orang mintak maaf or request for us to mintak maaf tapi tak nak bagi tau for what, kami tak boleh faham)
We will usually asked our children what and why they are sorry for when they were apologizing. 
Untuk Aimar, dia memang jenis susah sikit nak mintak maaf. Jenuh lah kitorang paksa dia mintak maaf... And I guess, when he did what he did to his teacher, admitting his mistakes, mintak maaf.. made me all teary! Alhamdullillah. At least, benda yang berbulan-bulan kami tarbiah, ada nampak improvement. I thank him that night for apologizing. 

(So, next, nak shape dia suruh take instruction and ikut.)

Lepas AbgDan dah masuk asrama ni, he's responsible to a lot of things. 
Kalau tak, semua dok suruh AbgDan je. 
Bila dah suruh tu, bila dia buat, his tendency is to be so kelam-kabut and end up mission unaccomplished. Lepas tu, mulalah aboh mama bebel kat dia... nak betulkan benda yang salah. 

Last few weeks, I decided to read what was written on the paper he pasted on his wall. Reading it one by one, I cried. 

Semua anak berbeza. 
His achievement is different, and so does his struggles. 
My hubby is the wise one to be able to identify and highlight this to me. 
For me, I have always believe anak-anak ni semua perlu dibentuk didisplin. 
I got it well with Aidan, and I believe it won't be difficult with Aimar and Aivey. 
Cuma silapnya, I never want to accept that they are struggling in their own battle. 
Malam lepas baca all those notes, nangis tak sudah mama. 
I felt bad. 
I felt such a horrible mama. 

when you read this post, I want you to know how special you are to us. 
being born so tiny, and grow up such an active healthy boy, you've gone so far. 
and I know you will go far. 
tak putus mama doa untuk Aimar, AbgDan & Aivey.. jadi anak soleh solehah, jadi khalifah Allah yang akan mendirikan amar makruh nahi mungkar, Insyaallah. 
and I know you will, Ameen. 

Aimar, I love you the same. 
Tak kurang tak lebih. 
Sayang yang amat sangat, yang kalau harus kita ganti nyawa untuk selamatkan awak, mama sanggup. 

Moga Allah permudahkan untuk kita. 
And before I end this, I just want to tell you about the note you wrote on 'sebelum tido, salam mama, tak yah peluk'
You have always been such a wonderful anak. 
You showed your love intensely. 
And by that, I mean, you couldn't control yourself when you hug me tightly, really tight... 
Aimar, mama nak Aimar tahu, not that I don't like you hugging me... but most of the time, bila dah besar2 ni, Aimar hug me too kuat sampai berbekas sakit badan mama. Mama tak kuat tak sehat. Bukan mama tak suka Aimar peluk mama... you just have to know, I love you. 

Ok, mama dah nak emo balik. 
That's it.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Mama's guilt

Anak-anak dah makin membesar.. Aidan is now a teenager, 'independently' learning to fly and use his wings bits by bits... Orang dah duduk asrama... pepandailah nak survive. And I guess, bila dah duduk jauh ni, lagi banyak rasa bersalah dengan dia sebab not being able to talk about everything and nothing with him.

Bukan ngan Aidan je rasa bersalah.

Ngan Aimar pun ada gak rasa guilty... Lately, asik nak marah je ngan dia. And reflecting back, I tend to marah Aimar a lot lot lot more than I got mad with Aidan or Aivey. I felt so guilty. Bukan menganak tirikan or whatever. I love him to death! Kalau Aidan is so full of wisdom for his age, Aimar ni Allah bagi akal, bersesuaian dengan nama dia 'Aqiel'..He made learning easy.. Dok merewang dalam kelas, cikgu sebut je 'aimar, ulang balik apa saya ajar' tetiba je dia boleh ulang semua... mcm magik, ntah bila dia dengar ntah. Tapi, dugaan betul bila dah diberi hikmah camtu, takmo guna betul-betul, memang jadi bahan kena marah je lah ngan mama. Tanya dia basic general knowledge like what is the different between kampung pekan daerah etc pun menggagau dia nak jawab. Masa tu, mulalah nak compare dengan AbgDan. AbgDan camni, AbgDan camtu. Mama hangin bila tengok dia takde effort nak amik tahu benda-benda general knowledge, unlike AbgDan. Bila dah habis kena marah, confirm-confirm mama felt remorse and guilty! Haipp! Masa tu, baru nak admit anak ni, mak sama pak sama pun, masih lain-lain atur caranya.

Ngan Aivey pun sama rasa guilty. She's a smart girl. Yesterday, she stayed back for reading instead of going for the tennis club activity. Why is that? Sebab mama rasa she needed more reading than playing. So, mama mintak 'special request' kat school to allow her to stop tennis and join the reading class. And why do I feel guitly? I went for volunteering at the reading class yesterday. Yes, I acknowledge that Aivey need more attention and time in doing her reading. But she wasn't alone and wasn't as bad as I rated her! Teacher Lin cakap, she was okay and she will do just fine. I told Teacher Lin, "I'm too comfortable with the bless Allah gave upon Aidan and Aimar and worried for Aivey sebab she didn't perform as much as her abang2 when abang2 at her age." Teacher Lin got my point. Terus kene tarbiah ngan dia, "Sis Ain, Aidan and Aimar are good in both academic and sports. Doesn't mean that Aivey don't excel in what she can excel in. You may see bot Aidan and Aimar as a perfect student, but unlike Aivey, they do have lacking in social skills. Aivey is very good in that department. And she's smart in her own way. Her views on things are so fantastic."... itu dia cikgu yang kenal anak-anak murid dia! yang memang kerjanya mendidik. dengan mama-mama cikgu sekolahkan. Teacher Lin asked me to ask Aivey does she really want to do reading class or to play tennis. But, being an egoist mama, I was so confident that Aivey don't like tennis. Katanya very tiring. Yet, I still gave a shot. I asked Aivey. And she answered, "Coach cakap I am good at tennis. I love tennis"... 48jam mama hati tak senang teringat 'what have I done to her?'

Becoming a mother never came with a manual.
Lain anak, lain caranya, lain strugglenya.
Yang pasti, Allah selalu mudahkan kita to realize it's never too late to guide them, and never too late for us to realize they are not ours...they are given to us with condition - amanah yang dipertanggungjawabkan.

My dear Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Please forgive me if I was too harsh with each of you.
Please forgive me if I wanted you to do things that I want you to and not what you want to do.
Please forgive me if I didn't realized how I've hurt you guys.
Please forgive me if I was being such an insensitive prick and ignored your feelings and wants.
Please forgive me for just wanting what I THINK is best for the you.

and please know,
Mama doa yang terbaik untuk anak-anak Mama, jadi anak soleh solehah, dijauhi fitnah dunia akhirat, menjadi khalifah cemerlang di bumi Allah ini, mendirikan amar makruf nahi mungkar, dan dikurniakan zuriat soleh solehah macam kalian juga.

I just love you guys. fullstop.