Saturday, January 19, 2019

Rambling again

Three occassions in a row.
Mi passed away on Friday.
On Tuesday, Abang was warded, suspected heart attack.
Received the news that Mamu Nasir has also departed on Wednesday.
Subhanallah.. bak kata orang, dah jatuh di timpa tangga ,kepala pulak darah berlinangan bergenang.
I couldn't describe the right emotions and the right state I am now.
I doubt that I'm in grief, but yes, I am sad.
Am I worried? I'm more worried that I'm not worried.

Rasanya, ada hikmah baca buku Qada Qadar yang I bought earlier this month at Nur Innai Bookstore.

Accepting the qadar that has been our qadha long before we were born.
I wanted to write about Mi's funeral.
How I wish to go in peace the way she did.
How I wanted to reflect the calmness, the beauty, the everything great on the day I leave for eternity.

I also wanted to talk about Abang's warded.
About how I brokedown for the stupid Waze was not working, and the ambulance was gone, and I was struggling to find my to the HSNZ.
I cried for I was worried, if anything happen to my dear Abang, I can never depend on Waze. I need him!

I also wanted to talk about Mamu Nasir and his people.
He has always be a person who loves others.
To some extent, he has given so much love to others that I couldn't see him loving himself.
Seorang yang sangat sayang silaturrahim.

I also wanted to write about the stranger that once was family.
We were not invited and I was not surprised.
In fact, I feel such a relief that it wasn't me who cut the ties off.
Alhamdullillah. Dekat akhirat nanti, masih mampu berharap syafaat Ya Habiballah Ya Rasulullah, masih layak lagi mencium bau syurga hendaknya, Ameen Ameen Ameen Ya Rabbal AlAmeen.

End up, all the summary I wrote above is too strong for me to put into words.
Too much of a heartache.
Just left me unspoken.

Saturday, January 12, 2019


I haven’t been writing for quite a while.
It was a bust start of the year.
Arugumentsband glitch with the col dad.
Sending Aidan off.
The wedding.
The quran reconnect class.
The freelancing attempts.
The transcript appen.
The still krik krik.
The sick uncle at IJN.
The nobody see me physically except my mom, ezuan, achik, cakya, pak itam, mak itam and mamiton.
The mama’s bday that i don’t prepare for anything.
Mi’s departure.
That was it.
A recap for the first 11 days.

Yup, Mi has left us.
It was Friday.
CT called me, I didn’t answer the phone. 
K Ani has texted in th group, I put a mute to all groups notifications. So I didn’t saw.
I was up in the room. Both of us.
It was after one hour I read the message.  ‘Abang, Mi dah meninggal. Read the message!’
He was calm! So calm!
To some extent, I sound insane and unreal!
It was mama’ 71st, Alhamdulillah.
Happy birthday Ma.
and It was the day Mi departed.
an easy departure.
everything went smoothly.
we missed the funeral.
we missed bathing her.
we missed laying her in that grave.
we missed kissing her the last time.
we were late.
few hours late.
and she can’t wait.
she departed.
Allahummaghfirlaha warhamha wa’afiha wa’fuanha.
May Allah forgives her.
May Allah bless Mama Abah Mi and Yah till end of time.