Monday, May 30, 2011

something worth reminding of..

serves me right!

i've always wanted to be part of them. it took me ten years, but, the spot was mine, finally. i guess, "always wanted" is just not enough. it has been a decade, hence, i forgot why i've always wanted to be part of them. 

and after less than a year, i'm still couldn't find an answer what i've always wanted what i've wanted all this while. 

attending meeting, the most crucial question would be "what's for break?"
going to a conference, be it a paid or free, all they would want to know is what's in the door gift goody bag?
a collegue just asked me "do we get extra discount going to aquaria?", blindly answered "yup, just show them your MyKad, all malaysian will be charge at a special rate".. and that collegue of mine continued "nope, i mean, additional previlige because we are working here...".... and the company i'm working with has got nothing to do with aquaria, but only a walking distance away (even, my previous company is nearer to aquaria, if to compare).. and i was left speechless.

the list is more than i could think of. the first few month, i thought i just need time to adapt. but i guess, for now, i've decided. i won't be able to adapt. and i won't bother to adapt.

of course, there'll be no self satisfaction. but i guess, as long as they pay me well, and i don't have to burden myself with tonnes of workload.. i'll just go with the flows.. of course i won't expect the previliges like those snobs always expect.. i know i don't have to. and not that i'm not thankful.

i guess that's why it took me ten years to come here.. to taste of my own medicine. i just need to get away..

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

miss independent


my lunch buddy aka my friend of thirteen years was telling me, no matter what, how, who, where and when, never show your significant one that you are independent. that's what the book said! and that's totally right.

considering at my current condition, i would say 'i was too late'.. he was so comfortable for me being independent, the boat has sailed away and not turning back. honk! honk! 

not that i'm complaining. i'm ok with the arrangement. i don't think i am 100% independent neither am 100% clingy. things i would depend on him 100%.. financial, hands-on DIY, cars, electrical stuff and many more.. and there were stuff i would just do it myself. there were occasions i just have to 'accidentally' be independent.. cases such as i was on labour, the first time and the second time.. he wasn't able to be around, and i just have to push those kiddos away! all these while, we are so used to and comfortable with long-distance relationship. when we first met, he was in london while i was in manchester. we spend weekends away, short breaks and not most of the time. then, i came back to malaysia while he finished his final year in UK.. (and went to Amsterdam without me!yup, i just want to brought that up for no reason..) as he come back to malaysia, he was in kemaman and i was in kl.. until we got married, i got knocked up and as our first-born arrived, i moved to kemaman. still, he was on offshore assignment.. forthnightly.. and a year and half ago (or has it been two years?), he's been off-Brazil-shore while i'm back here on-Malaysia-shore.. on monthly routine. hence, being away, i guess, i'm so used to be independent. but, to think back, i wasn't hundred percent  independent.. he may be out of sight, but not really out of reach. hence, i would always consult him before i would do or decide for anything.

my good friend has to check-in to the hospital by herself, with a limped (i guess) leg as she was due for some operation on her knee (was it the knee?).. she's what i call independent.. of course, i checked in to the emergency ward myself at midnight when i was badly attacked by hyper-emesis two months ago. i felt so alone, but i have no choice as i really need medical attention, while aimar was bedded at ward 6a (ggod that my parents were around to look after him). thanks to the iphone bought by my hubby, i shot an email to him, and he called immediately. of course the conversation was brief as i was 'busy' vomitting... but, to know he called, and to know that he cared (very much indeed) was soothing.. and i know i need him at that mo, and i'm not that strong to call myself an independent woman!

Thursday, May 12, 2011


bile asal balik usul..

aku ni bukan nye kacang lupakan kulit. sekali sekala, memang malu nak ngaku aku ni orang melayu beragama Islam.. bukan sebab bangsa aku low-class, atau agama aku anuti tu by default.. aku syukur lahir ke dunia diajar mengucap syahadah. tak pernah ada sekelumit cacat cela dalam agama aku. itu yang aku percaya. tapi yang buat aku nak marah bila orang melayu ni lupa yang islam dan melayu tu ialah due benda yang amat berbeza.

kalau nak ikut pendapat aku, takde satu pun rules dalam Islam yang menyusahkan.. bende sume straight-forward. yang jadi susah nya bile manusia tak mau ikut apa yang disuruh dan tak mau akur apa yang dilarang.. lepas tu, nak pandai sendiri cakap sume bende tak masuk akal... yang tak masuk akal nye bukan perintah agama, yang tak masuk akal nye sebab budaya.. diorang tak confuse, cume akal diorang tak panjang ..

malu nak citer apa dah jadi semalam.. tapi, apa dah jadi tu citer benar sebenar-benarnya.. tiade olahan, penambahan dan penolakan...

ada sorang makcik, umur tak panjang, dipanggil menhadap Pencipta-Nya .. yang tinggal anak2, sedara-mara. kalau ingat diorang kat die, ingatlah. kalau tak, tak lah. bila ingat, kalau nak sedekah fatihah yassin, sedekahlah. kalau tak, tak lah.

Islam suruh mempercepatkan pengebumian, bukan sebab nak kasi mudah anak-beranak, sedara-mara.. sebab Tuhan Maha Mengetahui. tapi, anak-anak buat mudah. sanggup biar jenazah ibu tidak dituntut, sebab, ibu meninggal lewat tengah malam, nak tanam jenazah time tu tak logik, jadi, kene tunggu esok pagi juga. kalau nak tuntut jenazah lewat malam, maknanye anak2 kene urus mandi jenazah esok pagi, dah jadik dua tiga kerja pulak. kalau tuntut jenazah dari hospital esok pagi, pihak hospital akan mandikan dan kafankan dan terus tanam .. anak2, yang dibesarkan oleh si ibu selama hayatnya, dengan rela hati buat keputusan.. biarlah tuntut jenazah esok pagi. malam itu, atas prosedur hospital, jenazah ibu terkujur di mortuary, peti ais kat rumah mayat.. Nauzubillah.

Islam memang lah menggalakkan umat pergi ziarah keluarga yang di dalam kedukaan. tapi Islam juga suruh kite ingat amanah. sebab kan rasa ada amanah kerja, yang nak pergi melawat ni bagitau lah bos die, yang juga melayu dan Islam.. "My aunt passed away, and I will be coming a bit late to the office".. bos die yang melayu dan Islam tu jawab "No prob, but if more than 3 hours, you have to take leave"... kudos.. takde takziah, takde condolonces, takde Innalillah, all she cared about is the time-track. ye lah, bos pun jalankan amanah.. (rasa aku, kalau aku cakap kat bos cina aku dulu kucing aku mati accident, sure die akan reply "sorry to hear that...")

bende2 yang aku nak highlight ni bukan sebab Islam.. sume ni jadi sebab orang melayu. ibu ayah besarkan kite dengan kasih sayang, pengorbanan dan dengan harapan cukup ilmu hidup supaya pandai menjaga adab menguruskan kehidupan. tapi orang melayu ni pelik. bile tak cukup ilmu, salahkan ibu ayah ("kurang ajaq, mak pak hang tak ajaq ke?")..bile ilmu dah menggunung, die saja yang betul.. orang lain semua salah. pandai ke bodoh ke, bila dah nama melayu tu, susah nak argue.. apa2 pun, die jugak nak menang.

melayu - bangsa penuh adab dan budaya - deep thoughts!

anyway, i've put in my list to search for good religious school for the boys. it's my responsibility.. and must keep reminding the boys the real values of life and how to live truthfully.. not live the life the way the culture wants it. if its wrong, its still wrong!  

Friday, May 6, 2011

mama, thank you

it's mother's day this coming saturday - at least that is based on the US calendar.. if i'm not mistaken, the Brits celebrates mother's day in june.. and we M'sian, just follow the media propagandas. hmm..

spoke to a sick mum who just completed her knee op due to the accident she met last two weeks. she sound sooo weak, not the girl i used to know, cheerful strong single mummy of a lovely daughter. tried my best to cheer her up, to ask her to look at the bright side as she'll be getting 6-8 weeks nice.. despite the pain on the knee la kan.. but, all she can think of and said out loud was "i'm worried of how can i cook food for marsya with this condition"... salute to you dear mummy!!! you were sick, all by yourself, and the only thing you are worried of is how to get your twelve year old daughter well-fed! you impressed me!

i don't compliment my mum often. i don't say out loud i love her .. and vice versa. when i was younger, i always thought she doesn't love me as much as mother should be. my siblings and i were with out gramps most of the time. the only time we spent our time with our parents were during weekends as on weekdays, we would be staying with our gramps. mum said it was convinient for the kids so that we didn't have to wake up early in the morning to go to school and religious classes. adn sometimes, when we were sick, she will just leave us with our gramps, even it was weekends. when i was younger, i always thought my nan did a better mother-job than my own mum. 

that was when i was younger. 

only when i was a mum myself i 'think' i understand my mum's love. this lady, who i have no faith in taking care of small kids, even her own grandkids (no offence, but i still think she is not as good as she should with kiddos).. is special. after sixty-three years, she sacrifices her time, life and everything for her kids' conviniences. with her background, nobody could have imagine she could have gone this far. with three spoilt-to-death brats of her own plus one 'clingy' egoist hubby,she survived this far. she have achived so many things in her life, and all i wanted her to know, never have been more proud than ever to have her as the queen of my heart. 

ma, you've gone through so many hardship that i could never have imagined i could stand it.. as much as i wanted to be the best mother to my kids, i knew you've done your part well to do that to us. happy mum's day, everyday.. and we do love you.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

bugger off!

i need to vent this out - i've been patience... now, as i've tend to feel like useless patient, i can't hold anymore!

i don't know whether it's the malay things, or just plain malaysian! but it suck! and it is definitely a lady issue! i'm sure what had happened definitely made me a racist sexist bitch!

coming into my eighth month, as an experienced hired, i should be doing fine with the new task. i'm way too fine, overpaid with no task given. was handed over one minor task that even a clerk could handle yesterday. submitted the required documented and this morning received a note telling me "i've reviewed your paper"..

it wasn't endorsed.. apparently, instead of writing 0.5% or RM40,000, i was supposed to write RM40,000 or 0.5%!! and that is a major taboo that i don't deserve the endorsement. i, obviously, didn't understand what's wrong with what i wrote and what is supposed to be written. especially when there were no black an white in that documents databank stated how it should be written. when i went to the binary code class during my yesteryears, 1 OR 0 will make 1 and 0 OR 1 will make 1 too! somehow, the person who supposed to endorse my paper might have skipped the logic class or didn't even have the chance to go to one!

i'm ok if the paper wasn't endorsed the first time as it was my first time, and i still need guidance.. but, not endorsing it because i wrote it differently as normal practise though it still bears the same meaning - that is not guidance. my opinion, that is finding faults, showing authority, abusing power for no reason, and pure sexist (nope, i'm not going to elaborate about it here, biar lah hanya aku saja yang tau!)... all those but guiding! if it's really necessary to follow the sequence, put it in writing, black-and-white, documented them so i won't argue but will laugh for the management silliness!

and to add to my 'confusion', after secen month, all i was given it that one-piece form that i need to filled and get it endorsed. and the new guy who joined last month were given a work order to work on! to me, that is an insult to a pregnant lady! and i won't elaborate this too..but, i'm sure i got this treatment because she is a she!

bugger off!