Monday, December 31, 2012

hepi 2013

as i'm writing this,all i wish i could have spent the last day of 2012 with him, physically. i doubt that we'll be going somewhere to enjoy the moment and we might even end up with me in the bed and he busy doing the laundry in the middle of the night, but, it would be great to be in the same roof, if we could.

it's human being. bila ada, tak heran, bila takde, sebok la nak plan semua benda bagai!

anyway, i'm working today..the last day of 2012. and i have soooo many things to complete and write-off from my lift before 2013. i doubt that i could do all, but, i doubt that i would give a demn!

2012 is special. let's see if i could recall a brief of what had happened.

Jan - aidan was in his primary school.. my first boy. he's no longer in kindy. he's a junior. he has always been so smart as always, and i could still remember vividly how he cried in the middle of the school canteen on the third day of school because he couldn't find me. he cried.. and nobody's around to soothe him. and next in his life, he will still cry, and i just wish i could be there when he cried. just to give him a hug and tell him 'mama will always be around for you'

Feb - we had aivey's aqeqah and cukur jambul.. it was sweet and beautiful. i'm enjoying the perks of having little girl of my own

March - it was 12 years anniversary as a couple :)   

April - the boys' first UKRC match. the lost, badly... and mama, again, felt so sedih. i don't like to see them fail..and i felt so helpless.

May - aimar was doing soo great with the exams.. and so did abadan

June - it was a grreeaatt fun family time in singapore.. how i wish we could have holidays everyday

July - anak punye pasal, we drove sampai melaka for the boys football match there ..don't ask me how well they do.. not something that anyone want to be reminded of. 

Aug - it was puasa and raya and it was good to have aboh around for raya. aimar fasted for a week, and aidan fasted for 3 weeks. i am proud of my boys.

Sept - it was aivey's first

Oct - it was aimar's fifth and mama's thirthy-fifth!

Nov - work starting to take a ride on me! and us!

Dec - am still working today.
i really wish he's around

happy new year, u oolllsss...

Thursday, December 27, 2012

he's the first

FPSO Kikeh is located 120Km offshore, North West of East Malaysia and the island of Borneo . FPSO Kikeh is a Malaysia's and Asia's first Deepwater FPSO in 1,320 meters of water. The unit is turret moored and is capable of producing 120,000bpd of oil via a Tension Leg Truss Spar and sub sea production wells. Water injection, up to 260,000bpd, is also via the truss spar and 12 subsea wells. Addition flexible risers and sub sea wells are provided for gas injection.
The storage capacity of the FPSO is 2,000,000 bbls of crude oil, offloading of the produced and stored crude oil is via a floating hose to a shuttle tanker.
The FPSO and Truss Spar were the biggest ever to be built in Malaysia ; the FPSO Kikeh also has the largest external turret ever built at the time. Accommodation is provided onboard for over 100 personnel.
The FPSO was located in the field on 14th April 2007 and successfully achieved first Oil on 17 th Aug 2007

i'm not sure about the details, but what i know for a fact, since its first oil, the OIM and its superintendents are all mat salleh. being the first, deepwater, FPSO... we malaysian are suck in recognizing our own people.. kononnye orang kita takde experience...

and worry no more!

after five years, we gonna have the first malaysian onboard as one of the product superintendent. the only malaysian for now. and what made me 'prouder' is he's a malay malaysian.. okay la, his mum is chinese-adopted-by-malay-families, his dad is malay, he married to a beautiful hot malay girl, and blessed with three smart brilliant children..

never have i been more proud that i could be!

ok, he'll be in for a 3 month probation, he'll do fine. just can't wait for him to come back for a good long congratulation hug!



Tuesday, December 25, 2012


it was fun. the courting, it was fun. she could have called anybody to ask how was the weather, she called him. he could have wasted his free calls on anybody, he wasted on her. they would start talking from the sun set, and as there were sooo many laughters, it was insanely mad to realized the sun has rose and they were still talking. it was fun, so much fun.

it was great. the courting, it was great. she inspired him. she made him wrote poems, creatively handmade missing-you cards, did the unthinkable things. she was smitten by him. thinking of him, made her smile. it was true. just listening to that very small voice in her mind calling his name, he could just smile. it was great, so very great.

it was wonderful. the courting, it was wonderful. walking next to each other, spending time together. once a while, when there's an opportunity, their eyes met each other, their hands rubbed accidentally, they were so malu-malu tapi suka. it was wonderful, so over-the-top wonderful.


after twelve years, she could never be thankful enough to have that feelings still freash and alive between them. the courting, they still do..  and it feels good.

saya kenal sayang saya ;)


suke chat whatsapp die semalam:
"Tho abg jauh physically.. Rase mcm ada situ"
"Mje takut nk panjat singa"
"Abg hold ur hand"
"Cari jln je nk fizikal contact.. Haha"

malu saye ;)


Sunday, December 23, 2012


saya rindu orang itu. kite ni, manusia, bila dah ada depan mata semua jadi tak kena. bila dah nun jauh di mata, barulah nak terhegeh-hegeh nak rindu bagai nak rak.

sekali-sekala, bila dah rindu amat teramat melampau ni, sakit pun ada. belum lah sampai mandi tak basah, makan tak kenyang, tapi dalam hiruk pikuk anak-anak dok gaduh sakan, rasa jauh sangat orang yang kita harap ada di sisi, lahiriahnya!

katanya lagi 18 hari dia balik. lama la pulak menghitung hari. penat. tapi, pesan abang, jangan putus asa.. teruskan menghitung waktu. masa itu akan tiba. tidak sesaat awal, tidak sesaat lewat. bila dah ditentukan-Nya, kita akan jumpa semula.

saya rindu dia. saya tahu, dia rindu saya.. dan sebab dia, saya bijak berbahasa ;)

Monday, December 17, 2012

my adam

i've been busy, obviously.. and as writing is part of my spiritual healing, i failed to do so in such a looong time. i haven't been writing 'properly' for quite a while.. not that i was sooo contented with my life, not that i have no worries to bitch about, not that i was too happy to brag about things... i just realized the 24hours a day allocation is waaayy too short for a mama, a wife, a daughter, a sister and an employee.. was bogged down with things!

so.. lemme find a topic to talk about. i'm a bit soaked up with adam mukhriz character in adam hawa telemovie in astro. it's not really the story line - that was bad!. it's just that hunk, 'am', acted by aaron aziz was sooo surreal. of course, if you were to asked about the storyline, it was a typical malay telemovie. sad but true.. a guy, a romeo, was caught khalwat (i know they have a word in engish but i don't bother to recall what's in my mind) with a girl he hardly knew by accident, and decided to marry her. of course that girl hate his gut, ran away and he waited for her for eight years, being such a loyal responsible husband. ahaks... laugh at my joke.. it was the storyline. a friend recited me the surah about marriage in Islam "kahwin lah kau 2,3 atau 4, tapi jika engkau tidak boleh berlaku adil, maka kahwin lah satu".. ok, i may have not put it in a proper way, but that's what i was told..which i could conclude, poligamy is default, unless if you just can't be fair (which i strongly believe no normal man can), stick to one wife and be loyal. ok, i'm diverting from the adam mukhriz who 'sacrificed' so much for love to default of marriage.. hmm..

back to adam mukhriz.. he is all a lady would like to marry. he is such a perfect man that go beyond realistic thinking. we, women, never asked for much. all we want is the 110% attention to us. that means, when we were mad, and was about to blast off, the man of our life can tell us "manje, chill, i know you are about to burst and you just have to take it easy".. seems like he can read your mind out loud on your next action. and he committed his time to you. he's there for you 25-7.. the second you think he was so tied up with things of his own, he's there for you.. he even wrote poem for you in the middle of night.. aaahhhhh... sweeeettt, kan?? somehow, he just couldn't start his day without knowing how things are with you. he listened to you on everything, and he even can remember on things you think he won't remember. he tried to ignore you for the whole day, and got worried sick when you decided not to text him when the days was about to come to the end. as i keep on writing and writing and writing how an adam should treat his hawa, i just realized how lucky i was to find my adam. i already did.. he was very special. i was mad at him when he opted to steer his way from going back straight home to meet his friend nearby, but i forgot to thank him for coming back to home safe and sound. i was saddened for he was so bogged down on the maintenance of the house that he spend less 'quality' time with us, but i forgot that he was busy maintaining OUR home! i was taken aback when he overwrites my choice of clothing, but i forgot that he meant well.. ahhh... i am one of the lucky bitch who wins all in love..   sorry girls, the good ones are taken.. and i pray and i pray hard that he's mine, all mine, forever till eternity.. his default is me and my default is himself!

ok, i was supposed to talk about that hunk aaron aziz of how good he was as adam mukriz... he's witty, loyal, romantic, selamba.. i love all about him, and even my 6 year old mum was smitten by him..

and as i wrote this, just like the fish is unaware of the water he lives in, i might be unaware of that gentleman that held me every night long, the man who take me for who i am when he said "aku terima nikahnya dgn mas kahwin tersebut", the man who was there the first time we met twelve-going-to-thirteen years ago, the very same man that i felt like kicking, boxing and swearing once a while, the very same man that without me noticing is my adam... ahhhhh... ain sayang abang :)

Friday, December 14, 2012

yadi yada yada

this classy cheeky chic has been so silence because of the standard reasons:
she was busy busy busy
she couldn't have good access of blogger from the office
she was bogged down with things things things
but of course she miss posting things about nothing.. just as much as she misses all her good girlfriends.. just as much she misses her 'life' when she felt so guilty being paid for not doing anything..

kids were behaving good. at times writing this, aivey is in deep sleep despite her chicken pox.. pity this sweet girl of mine. she only 15 months, and suffering from chicken pox. sometimes, i must agree how ironic life could be. aivey chose to be attacked by these monstrous pain just right after aboh was scheduled to be offshore the day before. aidan and aimar were doing fine as being boys. they fight fight fight, and once a while they laughed at their own joke realizing how they managed to ally and get away with things!

my dear red scoot had a shoutout in her fb, when was the last first thing you did?.. i went to watch the live football, two games in a row with my dear hubby and two boys! my hubby specifically told me "i'm glad that you had your first time with me".. and its good to know we still have our firsts of many:) harimau malaya was a spirit. the game of the semi final second leg in bangkok suck big time. ok, the midfielders were not doing as much work as they do, but thailand were playing with 12 people inclusive the referee. so, as much as the team lose to 2-0, they lose with pride and i'm happy to know i stick by my team, the proud harimau malaya.

work is unbearable.. too many things on my plates.. and i just think i need to chill... emancipating june 2013, huh? much i miss blabbering :)

Saturday, November 17, 2012

the twelfth month

it's nearing the end of 2012.. in a blink of eyes! not much postings were completed this year.. it's either i was sooo free on my previous years, or i became less interesting that i decded to write less posts this year, or i just became the where i was before this blog exists!
not, never i have became less interesting.. but this is life. to declare that i was super duper busy throughout the year was understatement. i always believe that 24 hours a day should always be sufficient to any human kind.. it's just how we manage it. everyday, we were deposited 24hrs x 60mins x 60secs.. not a penny more not a quarter less! if we made it to waste, it's our lost, none others!
as time passes by, friends we met, friends we lost. i cherished friends i have.. all good people.. everybody whom i enjoyed their company and enjoyed my company. i wish i have that extra time for a quick gossips chats. i really wish i do.
as time passes by, i still think i need to spend more time with my growing kids. aidan lost two of his teeth, aimar's having one shoe size bigger than abang, aivey can blink her eyes when asked and she was so adorable. and yet, i still miss them half day i left them for work...
as time passes by, i keep wondering how long could i stand being one-month rota together and apart with my dear abang. i'll miss him terribly when he gone the first week, next i was soaked into my work and kids, the fourth week i started to miss him miserably.. and on and on.. i miss him the most at night.. and when he didn't call, i pray for everthing is fine back then.

Monday, November 12, 2012

ooo.. how much i miss thee.. thiiisss much

am trying hard and hard enuff to post something in this blog. oo, how much i miss thee!

it's not an easy task! juggling work life balance! n sad but true fact, posting blog is neither work nor life. but i guess, once a while, i still need to keep this updated.

there's so many things in my mind! kids top the list. aidan completed his standard 1. i must admit his year end conclussion was not as what i've expected. he din make it to the top 10, which made confuse. he was top the class in half year and he was not the top at the end of the year.. it was sooo confusing with this band grading and no exam principal. students were evaluated on overall performance though when i look through his working file, he scored perfect marks for maths and still secured average band 3 of 6! i threw the questions and all his teacher can tell me 'it's subjective evaluation measuring all rounded aspect'.. c'mon! i'm not being a sourgrape, but with the given answer, i'm not sure if i can trust if kssr will work. am sure they will revert to kbsr in next 5 yrs! aidan, my boy, is a smart boy. at the age of 5, he knew that penguin is from a bird family but can't fly. at the age of 6, he can names all the car model of audi family which i still have problem differentiating a saga and aeroback! at the age of 7, he drew a proposal with options on how can his father install a gate efficiently. and he was rated band 3 for science? hmmm, i'm not being defensive, but all i can tell him, screwed the teachers.. so, mama was not an active pta members, and u was penalized for that?

aimar, is preparing for his final. he'll do fine, insyaallah.

aivey, gosh.. am enjoying having a baby girl of my own! she is spoilt to death, but i guess i could give leeways to her for the next 12 mth ;)

my dear hubby, the last time i checked, he was still in love with me. and i love to be in love and be loved with my one and only dear abang..

workwise, despite of the undescribable and undefinable boss i have, karma is coming to me from no work to soooo many works on my table. lemme post that on separate post, if i could find the time..

and now, it's time for adam hawa.. another angau story and aaron aziz is soooo adam mukhriz!!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

she's one

last year, at this time, i most probably was either lying in front of the tv, or driving from kg baru to sri ukay as i was already on leave, awaiting for the baby in my belly to 'standby' to see the world within a week time. the estimated due date was 21st september 2011. my hubby was supposed to come back from the offshore on the 15th september 2011.. 16th september 2011 would be the malaysia day, and we were scheduled to meet up with our gynae on the 17th september 2011.

that was the plan!

we heard it often and we heard it again and again and again.. we can plan, but who are we to decide our faith! last year, on this day, i was heavily pregnant and very determined to have my husband around for during the labour.. yup, i was!very determined! we were... both of us. my hubby was at the karak highway toll when my i called him and told him the baby was out the first time around. he was three days late when our second son came to the world. and he'd better be there for the third time, especially when this was the worst pregnancy phase i've gone through in my life and i do not plan (again, am just planning) to have more babies after this.

nope, we planned and failed miserably. it was 14th september, right after asar, around 5pm. i was lying on my lazy back in sri ukay, in front of the tv, and aimar was joining me, sharing the pillow, trying to watch what i was watching on the tv. somehow, i felt something 'plop' out from my body. nope, no pain, no anything.. just 'plop' of clear fluid that made me wonder for a few secs before i called out my heavily pregnant sister. yup, my sister was pregnant too and her due date was supposed to be a week earlier than me. i was like 'o, darn!'.. my sister was pregnant and about due too, my boys were just kids of 6 and 4 years old, and my hubby was not due to be onshore in 24 hours.. to add the gist in the drama, my parents were away in bangkok and will only be back two days after, and my gynae was on his way back from italy and will only be in klia in the next twelve hours! and there i saw, a small pool of water - sign of me in labour...

my sister was asking me in her panicky voice "what now?" and my dear aidan in his calm voice was asking me "nak kene call 999 ke mama?"...

i didn't feel any pain.. not like before. when i was due for aidan, i was having bad stomachache for three hours straight. and when i was due for aimar, i was having bad stomach cramp for half hour. this time, i was just fine.. even after the water broke, i was fine. i calm yeen down, asked her to drive me to the hospital, carried the bag that i've prepared and asked the boys to come with us to the hospital. on our way, i called my hubby, feeling sad as there's another big possibility that he'll miss the labour! while driving, my sister was calling everybody in kg baru telling that kakak is due for labour... you'll never imagined how panic everybody was! as we reached gleaneagles, the concierge got really confused.. two heavily pregnant ladies, came out from the car in rush... who's in labour and who's not? he was ready to push my sister who has a bigger tummy than me, and she was screaming "nope, not me, my sis is in labour"..

and next, it was history... i was in the labour room around 5:45 pm. the matron was telling me i was 8cm dilating!!! i told her i need my sister's gynae to attend to me, and my sister's gynae was soo confused. she thought my sister was due for her labour when she heard our dad's name was mentioned, but when she saw me, she thought it was a mixed up. when we briefly told her, she was telling me "ok, everything will be fine"..

my cousins and aunts were there. the labour wing of the hospital was filled with the clan! i was still sad.. of course it was in pain, but, i can still feel the sadness for not being able to have my husband around. my dear mamiton and cakya were in the room.. as i screamed in pain, they just couldn't hide their concerned face. when i was not in contraction, i remember asking them "nanti duduk sama dengan ain bila nak beranak nanti yek".. at that time, my sister and cousins has shooed my boys away. my sister couldn't bear hearing me screaming "adoooiii".. to think back, i could hardly remember how the pain was like. it was painful. it was cramps, aches and all at once.. it comes from the stomach and all the way to the back. i was so nausea. i was on the O2 most of the times... and just couldn't stop from berwirid and berdoa hoping everything goes well. yup, feels like half dead and all i was praying for was the baby is fine. about an half hour after in the room, the gynae came again. she's been paged. i was 10cm dilating and ready to push the baby out. i remember clearly.. i was asked to push once, and relaxed and the next time around, i was asked to push twice all out.. and that was it! less than five minutes, all gone. mamiton was helping me so much by holding my hands tightly. i still wish it was my hubby's hand... dah tu..nak buat camne, dah takde rezeki!mamiton was telling me "mamiton nampak baby tu 'melompat' keluar".. it was a lifetime experience to her..the baby, she was not crying... until the gynae clear her throats and she cried.. she was my chest, and i cried. the gynae was impressed.. "takde luka, so i do not have to jahit anything".. tu dia... the baby, she was a small baby.. 2.74kg. and she's a she!!! finally, after two boys, i really need some dash of pink in my babies wardrobe!

that nite, i was left alone with the baby. the hospital did not have a single bedroom and so i have to share the room with four others. as the room was on sharing basis, no guests were allowed to sleep in and accompany me. so, it was only me and baby. i cried. as much as i happy that i was blessed with beautiful healthy baby girl, i was sad of what happened. my husband didn't make it, my mum was away and my gynae was not around ( i remember telling the nurse "dr aziz will be in klia at 9pm, i can wait" and the nurse gave me a puzzled look).. and now, i have to stay all alone sharing room with strangers who babies cried in the middle of night! of course my little princess was kind to me. all she did was sleep and once while came for feeding. i was tired, so the nurse took the baby away so that i could rest.

the next day, at 4pm, i started to fell edgy and mad. i yelled at the nurse asking for a good single bed room as i couldn't stand sharing room. i got the room, and my hubby came right after i've checked in to the single bed room...

and all was fine.

so, tomorrow, mark a 365 days of aivey celebrating her life. sayang, mama aboh loves you so much.. orang cakap, anak ni rezeki.. one thing that i noticed, with you around, our love with each other become stronger, and you are a reminder how much we were crazy about each other and still am! you are the rezeki and blessing from allah to us. with two abang being soooo protective, and of course they bully you too.. i'm sure you'll grow up fine.. oh ya, with your one-and-a-half day younger cousin (yup, my sister gave birth 36 hours after that..must be traumas and screaming she heard from the labour room earlier!).. you'll cherish life just fine.

it took two weeks for mama and aboh to come to an agreement with your name.. as much as i love aivey, i don't favour adela as much. but then again, aivey adela binti mohd ashraf fits your puurrrffecctly..

happy 1st birthday, dear.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

all i want

what a woman wants? men find it difficult to get an answer to that question. we women want a pandora which is classy but also gold bracellet which is a lifetime investment. we women want that jimmy choo shoe that cost three month of our hubby's salary and that is during sale but we can also make do of just the same design but much more comfortable and obviously will take up only ten percent of your monthly income. we women want that peaceful long hours shopping spree in peace but will still calm home to remind the kids its nap time. the list is endless and yup we women will always find conflicts within ourselves to justify the list. we stand by the argument what we want is what we need.

lately, my dear hubby made all the effort beyond his reach to show his tlc. trust me, after twelve years of knowing him and after eight years of marriage, i'm ok with our couple life. there were times i felt like kicking him off the bed when he just refused to wake up and it's already past lunch time. there were times i felt like cursing him when he asked me to do things he knew i don't like to do. but now that i'm reflecting, i can't thank allah enough for temukan jodoh kami berdua. he told me he misses me. he told me he loves me. he told me he can never had enough of my smile. he told me he likes to see me waving at him. he told me he needs me. he told me he wants to be selfish and he just wants me all by himself.

and after eight years of marriage, i know he never change, the same boy i was smitten by, the same gentleman i was head over feet for, the same knight of my shining armour..

when it's been quite some time being with each other, i thought i'm stuck with him.. and that's a scary thought. but then again, that was not me thinking. i know all i want is him for the rest of my life.

i want him to keep on missing me, loving me, kissing me, hugging me, thinking of me, caring for me, asking me how my days go, oogling and looking at me, idolizing the ground i walk on.. i want him to keep telling me it's me that all he ever wished for and his wish came true. i know mine did.

what a woman want? everything, and that constant consistent tlc is more than any woman can ask for..

love you, abang

Sunday, September 2, 2012

selamat puasa, selamat raya, selamat kawen, selamat anniversary,selamat merdeka

well, definitely been missing a lot in updating stuff in this blog.

aidan, alhamdullillah, successfully gone thru the fasting month for 22 full days despite the tantrums he threw on the first day of ramadhan. he's a strong boy that elder son of me. when it was hot and he's been playing jumping and running and look so tired, i did tempt him to break his fast.. but he didn't.. and i was the proud mum of him.

aimar was fasting too.. for a solid eight days. tho he asked me how much longer he has to wait for every five minutes, but i'm still the proud mum of him.

aivey, i was supposed to update on her two teeth that was protruding. but that was ancient history. at times of writing this, she has two bottom teeth and two upper teeth. as iris started running at her early stage, aivey darling still grasping for support to walk. of course, his aboh was determined for her to walk before she's one. he will hold her hand and stroll along withher. last two days, aivey made her first few baby steps..

it was a good raya. of course the drama was demn dramatic. we mislooked and left all five of our baju raya. we only realized it when we were in kemaman. of course there's no other alternative that my dear hubby has proposed to drive back to kl. i cried of the thoughts of last minutes shopping raya in the store, kemaman.. and i must thank my sis and cousin who helped to find a stranger who i owe a lot who was on his way back to dungin. hubby drove up to dungun to pickup and our morning raya was flawless..

ok i spare the anniversary story on my next posting

Monday, August 6, 2012

ramadhan 2012

it's the 17th day of ramadhan.. alhamdullillah. of 17, aidan skived three days and aimar has fast for 5 days. the first day these boys succeeded, mama was the happiest person counting down the hours for them. of course, after 17th day of ritual, answering "how much longer" every two minutes is no more fun.

the first day, when aidan gave up at 5pm, i was 'panicked'. he cried, out loud, and being not him! he yelled and screamed. 'aidan takmo puasa sampai bila2..forever'.. and at that instance, i took the blame on me. i should have trained him when he was as young as 5 years old, but i didn't. and now that he's 7 and decided not to fast, ever, again, forever.. i should take the blame. but then again, i am thankful. the drama lasted just on the first day..and he surprised me with his energy. sahur was not an easy task, but, i made sure the boys are up to it. i don't think it's fair if we, parents, insisted on our children to fast during the day, but did not wake the kids, or prepared anything fulfilling during sahur. a lady i knew just gave her daughter food before the night-sleep, and thinking her daughter was fine with it. of course, the daughter 'survived' the whole day for the past 17 days, without telling her momma that there were times she drank water from the bathroom, and there were times she ate the biscuits that was in the room.. gosh! do you really have to blame that 6 yo girl for lying when all she did was to have a very irresponsible parents?

ok, dah termengata la pulak bulan2 puasa ni.. oppss.. later, i just remembered i'm allowed not to fast today.

itu lagi satu citer.. aidan saw me eating and i have to explain to him why i didn't fast. it was tough.. explaining details to a 7 yo boy about menses! gosh.. i told him briefly.. and after asking few questions and not getting any good answer, he just shut himself off..

hmm.. ok, off to home.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


when i'm pissed, i eat, i yell, i bitch..  i can't do any of that now that i'm fasting, so, i write. but i still can't help myself from being mean bitch.and i don't give a damn. and i speak bad english!darn....

these people are too much. i've been working zealously from 8 to 5. i didn't take my break, but of course, i still go back on time. i reserved my rights to go back on time as i doubt work will ever finish! but these people i work with are beyond stupid. it's an insult to intelligence, and i'm mad that these highly paid people just don't deserve what they earned!

it took 20 fucking days for them to respond on my queries, and after 6 hours, they have the gut to ask if i've completed my paperworks!
it took them a line of saying "ok, proceed to purchase" and when i asked how will you proceed with the payment, they can simply said "we don't think of it".
it took them a nice formal email cc to all their boss stating the plan, and when it comes to executing the plan, they can just answer me "i just finish the meeting and do not have time to go through your email"

so, tell me why i shouldn't be pissed?

Monday, July 16, 2012

boys will be boys

i, for once, can never understand the other gender.

now that the boys are growing up and were soooo into football, they will just kick anything their feet can reach and kick! always end up with a yelling momma telling them to stop kicking the bottles!
i hang out with them yesterday. the club they were playing football over weekends, and nope, they are not excellent pun, but okay la - they can kick hard, they can run fast, they tackle, and they speak the football languange, defeng, midfield, striker bla bla bla. yesterday, they were having friendly match in malacca. three buses! yup, full three buses were transporting the boys, team below 8,10, 12 and 14. can you imagine the adrenaline these boys combined?? i can't. the coaches were screaming, yelling and even insulting. i doubt that girls will be as tuff as them. and yet, despites the scolds, they still listen to their coaches. some was giving a sympathy look to get the coach go a-head to play in the game. aimar was literally hugging the coach and i was far away to avoid eye contacts with these hopeful ambitious boys. at the end, they all had their game, well-played.
i saw them insulting each other, and also so them helping other tying the laces.
i saw them screaming vulgar words, and the same them helping the little brothers who need to go to the toilet.
when aidan was ignoring aimar, i saw some who was accompanying aimar.
and i know, as much as aidan just didn't bother about his brother, when he needs to play the big bro role, he will, in time.

this other gender, they suck in showing emotion. they were so harsh with each other. they were so violent and found it funny mocking others.

but of course, once a while, they'll remind themselves that there's more to life. they can appreciate friends that been insulted them coz it takes two to tango. in the end, after a decade departing for each other, they bump into that guy in a coffeeshop, they can still sit in one table, and have a conversation with each other as if the last time they saw was 24 hours ago. impressive huh!

anyway, yesterday, in that field, i saw my two boys, growing up, blending, failing and still having fun :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

by all means..please...

i know i'm smart and intelligent, alhamdullilah, thank Allah for blessing me with what i have. as much as i love talking, i don't favour intelligence debate. just as much as i love reading, i don't enjoy non-fiction books. but what i'm going to write will be something heated that i just need to vent out. and i hope i don't sound so bimbo!

so, what's up?

here's the story-mory.. a q&a session was held between the employees and hr.. well, sometimes, i do pity those hr.. when a policy was imposed, which always the case for the benefit if the company but vice versa for the staff, hr will be the first to beheaded..of course, they will always be the bearer of the bad news and should there'll be any good news, this is when the big boss will decide to tell the staff personally la kan. anyway, back to the q&a session, a fresh young executive was so determined to let her voice out and (hopefully) heard... put, the seconds she decided not to listen to the answer thrown back to her, and dragged the five minutes session to a twenty minutes session, she pissed me off!

the issue is simple. she was complaining how suck the company oversea's benefit. nope, she was not complaining, she asked everybody to agree with her!

i didn't join the argument. to me, it was a waste of energy to convince a blind guy that he's holding a black pen and not a red pen as he think it is.

but, she made me wonder....

she said, she as a staff deserves better allowance. she can get better elsewhere..
and if i was the hr, i would say "by all means".. if you think you are not paid as much as you deserve, by all means, go ahead and go to somewhere who is willing to pay your worths.
oo..ok, so, you are bonded?
the company gave you money during your students' years, and it's not such a small amount, just for you to finish your degree, and the company provided a position in the company, and this is a fortune 500 company we are talking about which took me ten years after graduating to be accepted, and when it's time to payback, you are complaining?
i just don't understand... ooo..ok, so, it wasn't you who signed the bond agreement, it was your parents..
bulls, you are telling me that your parents decided to ruin the next ten years of your life by signing that paper so that you get paid to study and they even give you allowance on top of what you are getting, and they foresee that you do not have to worry about getting a job after graduated, and all those is just to mess with your life!
you your people are unbelievable!

did you know - when you took that SPM exam, how worried your parents were? if you failed, they were worried how you going to run your life next. if you passed, they were worried about financial support to ensure you go to the best uni, which normally be more expensive than the community college, obviously. when you secured the scholarship, they were still worried that it will not be sufficient. when you done with your degree, they were worried about what's next in your life.. and they will never stop worrying.

did you know- when you were enjoying the scholarship money, some other student just have to make do with what they have.. be it or not.

did you know- when you graduated and was offered a job at a starting salary of RM4000, it took someone elsewhere of a same qualification, of a same quality and criteria but not a scholar, eight years to match your starting salary?

did you know- when the company offer you some benefit is because they thoroughly evaluated you and put your cost that much? did you think you work as much as you've been paid? or all that you can do is compared with other executives who work with an international reputable company? did you know those people from reputable company work as much as they were paid?

did you know- you talk too loud that you just couldn't think straight! there's always ways and means.. if you think the company is opressing you, go ahead, find a place who you think you deserves and would like you accept you... what cha waitin' for, my dear?

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


unbelievable.. call me racist, but, after what had happened, i don't mind being labelled one. we just came out from a three hours negotiation meeting which both parties weren't able to agree to any particular arrangement.. but this one minah salleh really gave us an impression these expat are worst to deal with.. she's a snob and we just hate her guts. she potrayed that nobody's good enough for her, not even the general manager. sucker!!!

on the other hand, i was proud of my team. we didn't back up and we didn't feel inferior at what if she's a foreigner.. we are at par and we know that.

so, to all mat and minah salleh out there, change your perception, and tone down that attitude.. we don't give a damn!

Monday, July 2, 2012


all too often we are overwhelmed by so many activities that we forget about things that happen. life is filled with a mix of different moments. and if i were to list down three key events that have been impactful and have added colours to my life, that would be
- the day my emotionless-dad hugged and kissed me right in the middle of the school when we were getting my SRP result
- the day that i broke the news to my then-boyfriend-now-hubby that i was officially single and smiling all by myself on the bus to picaddaly street
- the day i was officially a mum

i vividly remember my ear-to-ear smile and the settings of when these events happened, and still smiling now. of course, there's more great things that had happened and more to come. for now, i'll cherished what has it becomes ;)

Sunday, July 1, 2012


i always believe i'm not that good a mother i am, i can always be better, but to some extend, i trust i've tried ny best to be the greatest mum to my kids.

this is what i wanted the world to know what kind of a mother i am:
- i breastfed all three of my kids bcoz with that it would make my life easier; i do not have to bother about the bottles, hot water etc .. the milk is always 'on the go'
- i left the kids with my aunts so that i could get some extra time alone for myself
- i pushed my kids to their limits as uf the exam they are taking is the end of their world if they fail
and the list goes on..

people might see me as incompetent, or hampeh as some put it

no matter what my reasons are, i decided just to ignore what people said.

what matters most are to know how great the kids behave comparing to others, how smart they are in making their own wise decision and still respect their mum's word, how proud they made me for excelling in things that matters.. so, if that's the result fir being incompetent, i don't mind being one!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


wise men say, being strong doesn't always mean you can handle what's thrown at you. it just means you're prepared to ignore whatever it is that hurts you. at that statement, i paused. it was very wise of those wise men, and unfortunately, as i'm writing this, i just realized how weak i am. how can i prepared myself and chose to ignore whatever is hurting me the most? i know i'm not perfect, but i always believe i am the best of me. nothing else matters, but what matters are the people who love me and the people i love. so, when they thrown something at me and it's just too much for me to ignore, that\'s what hurts me mooooorrreee... aiyyo, chill la.. i know, i know, i know...

Saturday, June 23, 2012

suker sangat

never i want to give the impression on how berlagak a mother i am for having two smart boys of my own. but, i just can't help to post this blog telling how proud i am. yup, they are only 5 and 7. yup, it was only a midterm. but what the heck. these boys had made me proud and i just can't help it from smiling thinking about it. it was aidan's report card day yesterday at his school. while waiting, a mother approached me 'your son got 100 for his english, right?'.. i was like errrrr... who is this person again? she seems to be so into my son's exam result, like i care her son's report card la kan.. i didn't even know who her son is!! i shut her off by telling 'he and hendri got 100 for english, i think that is hendri's parent'.. and as she looked, i left! then i overheard two parents conversations 'my son is the best in bla, bla, bla'.. and i decided to leave and came back when the teacher's around. when i came back, i can see parents, mostly chatting to each other and a few opted like me, just smile and didn't say a word. frankly, i was freaking nervous! so far, his result was superb.. but i remember how sad aidan was after his arab and agama paper and i owe it to him. it was my fault that he couldn't be so well versed in those two subjects. as his teacher greeted me and i took my sit, my head was thumping. i asked his teacher how was his agama and arab?..'i takde result agama and arab sebab itu not in the rated subject'.. i didn't know how to react. the teacher told me he got 4flat for oral and lisan. his teacher showed me his folder which in general he got everything right and nice. then his teacher broke the news 'aidan dapat overall 98.4% average, number satu'.. and all i want was to hug and kiss aidan right in front his class!!!!alhamdullillah. i can never thank Allah enough for the bright kids i own! number one!!! woohoo.. aimar got second in his class, and aidan is top in his class, 1 setia, sk st john!!! suker giler mama.. when we left the class, as all the parents were looking at us, i can feel how proud i was at that time. i doubt they knew aidan is the number one boy, but those faces who look, stares and even asked earlier can really tell the answer of what her son got for exam was my smile 'number one, y'all'.. ok, maybe not all parent care about others.. i know i don't..but as i blog this, getting good results from your kid's teachers are always something very satisfying. so, i must and need to reward myself ;)

Monday, June 18, 2012

so, what's next?

i haven't been writing stuff for quite a while. aivey dah tumbuh gigi.. yeah.. aimar, still as cheeky as he is the last time i check. aidan still belum dapat conclusion wrt his exam.. baru dpt paper english 100%,  bm paper 1 100%, bm paper 2 96% and kesihatan 98%..not bad.. and i've never been more proud of him as i ever.

kids - they are always a blessing, in disguise or not. they are pure. they are of the highest living form one can think of. i must admit, they are not cheap nowadays.. but, as we believe it's true, anak tu rezeki.

i had an emotionally-disturbed weekend! it's about this innocent child. she's innocent and no doubt about it. she's born out of wedlock. a mistake was done and no way in our super-human capacity to be able to back-space, erase and re-do everything. nope, we can't do that. the most noble man ever lived can't do that.. and no greatest scientist could think of theoritically formula to turn back time. Maha Besar Allah.  but then again, this child, is a child.. innocent, pure and is a blessing in disguise. she smile at us. she doesn't know how her life gonna be. she won't know how the world will treat her. and if i were to judge, she won't be prepared to life the world when at the age of four month the sitter is trying to hide her true identity from the world! the sitter, or should i say the adopted parent, told us nobody should know about how she gets into the world. her 'real' grandparents shouldn't know that she was the 'real' granddaughter, but instead she was adopted. the grandma is now 58.. do the math.. the kids will grow up as an adopted child in the family and will only know about her real life right after the gramps passed away! this child was born out of stupid crazy teenagers decided to bonked just because there were 'in love', and she was born not like all other kids who has parents, aunties, uncles, cousins, gramps who were waiting for the day she'd come out from her mum.... and now that she's born, she need to be hide away and have no rights to know how she should live her life! bulls!!!! what becomes her???

as i'm writing this, i cried. i saw this child's smile. genuine, pure, innocent smile. i was holding aivey. how different her path was, is and will be as compared to aivey.

a mistake was done. do we still need to add to more mistake? is it true, if you are consistently wrong, you are right? is really a matter of family dignity rather than a human life?

this is so disturbing!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

the over-ambitious mama

i need to find time to post a blog.. despite of so many things on my plate, i need to trash out some..

it's school holidays and when the break is over, aidan will be in afternoon session... yeah... extra hour sleep for mama.

the exam - despites of being blessed with smart intelligent brilliant kids, alhamdullilah, i must take some credit on their overall achievements for the mid-term. as aboh was unfortunately not around, mama had to juggle between works try to fit in whenever i can to ensure i was home as early as possible to revise with the boys and follow ups with them when i was at work.

aimar exam result was something i can be proud of. he got 2nd out of 12 students in his class with 100% marks for BM, 98% for english, 96% for science and 89% for maths... i know its still early, but i'm reserving him for being my lawyer son when he grows up. there was one incident where i got a text messages from his principal telling me how 'frank' aimar was during his science paper " teacher, i've seen all these trees, but this one (supposedly an eggplant) i've never seen. what is the answer?".. cool huh.. not that he was asking how to do the test, but he asked for the answer directly! how convinient! anyway, he managed to get all right for that particular questions.

as for aidan - i guess he was all stressed up because he has a mother like me. i know, i know, i know.. good friends been telling me i shouldn't be so stressed up that aidan is only seven and he's a smart boy. but i can't help myself from worrying and i always think all a mother can do is to gear up her child with all possibilities, just in case. so, for a standard one, he was introduced with mind-mapping on nouns, pronouns, kata ganti nama diri pertama, kedua, ketiga, the arabic words of qalqolah etc... to the extend, during one of the revision session and i let him take his break for 15 mins and he came up to me with his one piece of mind-mapping about himself.. i pitied him... and deep inside, i do feel guilty! anyway, his result is still a mystery to us. but, his teacher did text me a day before the school holidays telling me that he got 100% for English paper.. and i was teary reading the message coz i know how stressful he was for having a mama like me :(

so, school holidays?... we plan to leave for our ad-hoc cuti2 this weekend.. so, i shall update with the news, hopefully.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Being a mother

This came in my inbox, i was teary:
After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend sometime with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.' She thought about it for a moment, and then said, 'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. 'I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said, as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?' asked my wife when I got home.  'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,'  I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till 'some other time.'
* * *
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby..... somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring ....somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
* * *
Somebody said if you're a'good' mother, your child will 'turn out good'.... somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child asmuch as you love the first .... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.... somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ... or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when  her last child leaves home.... somebody never had grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a mother.

the family i was born and raised by is not very vocal in expressing i love you to each other. i don't want that in my kids, and i always tell my children how much i love them and i want them to answer back. true, the more you said, it would be meaningless..but at this stage, i don't see any harm done.

it was mother's day last sunday. we didn't plan for anything. i didn't wish my mum at all. i know that everyday is mother's day and we don't need a specific day to acknowledge that.

then, as i picked aidan from school, he gave a me a 'broken' artificial flowers that he bought from the school. last night, he said, he wanted to give me a dinner treat as he has rm7 and he can spend on it in papparich. i was smitten. i was flattered. aidan is not as explicit as aimar when it comes to expressing his emotions. so, when he did these, i was touched. then i realized, i can afford fancy restaurants, i can afford fancy gift, but i just can't say out loud how much i love my mum. i can blog it down, and yet, it takes courage to voice it out. my mum, she's not good in showing affection too.. but then again.......i know she knew i love her, with all my life... but it's that enuff?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

an hour @ derrick n team

i'm blogging via my mobile while getting my hair being radiated under these red lights, like a suntan for the hair kot.. well, the last time u had a haircut when i was seven months pregnant and aivey is now been seven months already. the last time i had a hair treatment was like never, so, as the baby has started to getting all bubbly and mummy has started losing her hair everywhere, a hair treatment under this infrared light is all i need. gosh, i could hardly manage to find any time for myself lately. i either busy with aivey or the boys (that includes their daddy as well), or ironing tonnes and tonnes of laundry, or trying some simple homemade food, or working like mad from 8 to 6.. and rush for aidan during lunch. i could hardly say an occassional hi to the girls and i do miss my girlfriends company. i do, really do. that brief five minutes quick chat was insufficient at all. i want to know how is everybody doing... and as much as i want to find time during work, i was rushing here and there with work.believe it or not, am trying my very best to run five packages simultaneously while most people can afford around three at once. i told myself that it is my responsibilities as i took up that new smso roles, but i knew that it is more than being responsible.. it's just being ambitious! kids.. well, i can't lie.. not having them around at this moment is really a relief! they've been around waayy too often that sometimes i just want to run away and break free. aivey is too clingy. a glimpse of me will trigger her to cry requesting me to pick her up. a note of my voice will set her alarm to call out for mama. what makes it worst, she didn't do that to aboh.. adoi.. she's way too spoilt by me! aidan aimar.. well, we heard it all 'boys will always be boys'.. they fight, they stink, they crash and burn, they scream, they yell, they cry, they jump, they run.. they do all stuff that make mama shouts 'boys, stop it!'.. gosh, i must thank the weekend helper that come and visit once a week to settle the house cleaning. of course they are paid helper. my hubby?.. i wont lie. his 'nocturnal' life is somehow impacting me. when he was beyond his control and only able to sleep when the sun started to rise and in return did not manage to send aimar off, i was furious. i wonder what he did at nighttime. he was alwats there at home, but he just couldn't sleep. there was one time i was hoping for him to pick up aidan when he answered my call 'abang terlena sekejap'.. adoiyai.. he's a good man - my hubby.. when some of my friend struggling to keep thier marriage alive, i must thank God for him. but, fighting over the same issues over and over and over again, sometimes can just kill you. nagging about expecting him to have a good sleep so that he can just 'live' like a 'normal' person.. well, bang, any sane human pun ada limitnye. so, if you may now, i stop feeling stressed with this pandora chain ;).. i knew, in times, i will still have another arguments with you.. for now, we'll just rest.. ok, my hair is done;).

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

letting go

it's mid april, and i've been sending aidan off to his school every morning, without fail. yesterday, as i hold his hand to climb that stairs to his school, he stopped me. that stairways really took forever to climb, and its still early in the morning. he told me, 'mama, you can just send me here. aidan naik atas sendiri'.. of course i ignored his request, and still too early to have a debate with a seven yo boy! this morning, after sending him as usual, as i walked to where i parked my car, i stumbled. i was wondering, one day, i won't need to send him off. i just have to make a pit stop, drop him, he'll rush to that stairs and gone. if i'm lucky, he'll kiss me goodbye or at least look at me. that if i'm lucky. and i hope he'll be that good son as he'll always be so that he won't wait and skived school for the day........... but this is not happening tomorrow la kan... i wonder how will i feel when the day comes. will i be sad and feel unneeded? will i feel relieved as he becomes an independent boy? will i be constantly worried not trusting every step he made without my supervision..... aggghhhh... being a mum it's not easy. i know, i have to swallow what becomes him. as much as i would be sad to let go, my mum let me go and see where i am now......the thing is, time not only flies, it slide faster than a speed of light!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

be the change you want to see?

what makes a person change? do people change?
to think and think again and think hard, people may say people change, but to me, i doubt that people change!

i was swept away with how romantic a person he was, my boyfriend. nope, he's not a sweet talker, but he was so creative when it comes to pull all this romantic stunt! he did not sleep just to get the handmade card ready the second i woke up in the morning. he picked stranger to just verified that he meant what he said (masa tu, takde video call, mms etc ni). he arranged weekend getaways. he posted the train ticket just because he missed me and couldn't come right away. and the list went on and on.. the advantages to have been courted in the UK was that beautiful things were not ridiculuously expensive and everything was so convinient!

then, we got married. he still bought stuff, cheap and expensive, for me. nope, i don't remember any handmade card, but once a while he could be as sweeter as he wanted. he delivered bouquets to the office. there was once he bought a bouquet of flower, a CD and a cereals.. just to prove a point. i can eat the cereal, listen to the CD and he wondered what will i do with the bouquet, but he just bought it for the sake of 'nak puaskan hati manje'.. so, he changed, huh?

i was clearing up my desk and saw a note "To: Manje, Happy bday sayang.. Really wish i can be there personally say that. Well.. in 22 days time I will. Love always. From: Abang" and i stare at the notes, long hard stare.

trust me, i doubt that people change. people don't change. we were born the way we are. it's just a matter of time, true colour will tend to show. and just a matter of time, it hides itself. we don't change.. we just have to keep reminding ourselves of how we used to be..

p/s: but to invest on mega bucks consultancy just end up changing the name while maintain the functionality is a total insult to intelligent! trust me! i know i'm right. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

i got your number

fact is my mate has yet to finish reading the book, i can't write much about the new book by my favourite author sophie kinsella.... but, what i can conclude is ' hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah '.. if the shopaholic series were hilarious, this latest book of ms kinsella really tickels my funny bone almost every page. started with how clumsy a girl can be, then she started being ridiculous, next she reacted beyond thinking, and up to the extend it reaches humankind insanity. but i must tell you, after a loonng break reading good books, i really really love reading this book! and i realize reading it is all i need once a while. good that i have my dearest red scoot who shares the ebook with me.. it's insane.and then again, as i don't want to be a spoiler, i let her finish reading it... and am sure i can talk about it when she completed the book. on the other hand, what a name for a main character, poppy wyatt.. no commercial value at all! but again, i love love love every bits of this book, thought there were parts that quite unrealistic..what the heck.. a very good light reading material as a kick-start.

Monday, March 26, 2012

a dozen of abundant love

i may not have a tragic love story. my love didn't have critical illness neither he died from a tragic accident. but he is my love, my life, my soul. i don't need to go through torturous moment, lost my love, just to realize i have the love of my life.

they said, rebound love don't last. they said, mine was a rebound! yup, i knew my then-boyfriend was two-timing me. he admitted and he begged for forgiveness. he cried and he wanted to make amend. i kept him on hold.  but when my then-boyfriend decided to screwed up my relationship with another girl, i knew instantly that i shoud pursuit my so-called fling. i must admit, i did feel guilty. the loyal me consciously told myself, i shouldn't threw away that five-year relationship to thrash just because he slept with someone else, ha! listen to myself, how can any girl justify to oneself of what he did to me? and he made it easy for me to decide. so what if we have five years to waste? if he couldn't respect that, why must i give a damn. and i can never thank God enough for showing me his true colours before too late.  i was at my happiest moment, and was smiling day in and day out the day i told him things were over between me and him and i didn't want to have anything to do with him.

i met this guy. his eyes squinted, he wore the same bulky jacket everywhere he went, he did not take that green cap off his head. he's nothing but ordinary. i was still 'in a relationship' and i was head over feet over this apek guy! few close friends told me i deserved to be happy that i shouldn't feel guilty. in a way, this apek guy was God's sweetest gift to me. he opened my heart and i don't need any reason to convince myself he is the one. as much as my friends were happy for me, they reminded me as well.. perhaps that's just rebound..

whatever people would want to name it, by all means, just do. if that is rebound, it had been on rebound for the past twelve years! and more and more and more to come. the joyrides, i can't deny, were mixture of ups and downs. the roads were not as smooth as silk, there were bends and bumps,  and all in. but tell me, bumi mana yang tak ditimpa hujan?

i hate it when we fight
i hate it when i cried, makan hati with his words and actions
i hate it when i have to swallow my pride just to make peace
i hate it when we were rude to each other
i hate it when he decided to overwrite my rights
i hate it when he failed me
i hate it when it times to face the bad times

but then again,
no matter what no matter how,
when my cousin was struggling to get her passport done because her dad's gone 'missing', i'm glad i have you as the responsible aboh of my kids
when my car is due for insurance and roadtax and i have no saving to even pay that, i never thank you enough for being my banker
when my friend was complaining how lonely she can be, i keep forgetting how lucky i was to have someone who is there to give that big warm hug when i need it
when some wife was crying over a cheating husband, insyaallah, that would be the least i should worry of

so, if this is a rebound love, i am soooo greatful it happened with you! this end of march, it's gonna be twelve years us being an item. at times me writing this, all i want is you hugging me as tight as you always do. and knowing that i still miss you makes me feels good - i know, you are still crazy about me and i'm still the one for you. thank you for believing in love and believing in us.

love you, mmmuuaaahhsss...

Thursday, March 15, 2012

just different?

as i stepped in the office today, a friend told me that i looked different. him being a normal cynical him, i threw back the question 'bad different or good different'.. he told me, 'good different'. then, another colleague drop by my workstation.. another look and remarks 'you look different'.. at the end of the day, five of them complimented me, and getting compliments for the girls definitely a boost of self-esteem!

compliments are always a feel-good enzyme. no matter how true and frank the complimentor would be, it's always can successfully cheer people up. i know i would. as we grow in time (chewah, a nicer way to say we are getting older la kan)..we get less and less compliment. my dear hubby used to compliments me whenever when we were madly in courting and dating phase. it gets less and less, and now we are married with three kids, most of the time the compliments would come naturally when he's sooo into admiring my body, if you get what i mean. of course, once a while, he will tell the boys 'mama looks like a celebrity'.. that's as far as he would go la kan.. nak cakap malu, i doubt it la kan.. but it's always make me feels good when i know he was watching me walking, or just when i noticed he was 'glimpsing' at me.. he may not say out loud, but allowing me to look good for him and myself, i know he complimented me enough. but once a while, tak salah to tell me off i look good.. once a while, that won't make me taking things for granted for not going to take care of myself.

as i walked from the lrt back to my office, i realized how i missed his verbal compliments to me. like today, when people complimented me, i wished he's around to give me the compliment himself.. mcm sedih lak.. and i just realized, it's human nature kan, bile dah dekat, gaduh, bila jauh rindu... aiiyyyoooo...

bang, i miss u!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


resorting to just posting a blog with regards to what i want to voice out is not the best fit solution.. i wish i could just stormed in that managers' room and asked, why? why? why?...

but i guess, who cares?
it's a sad fact. being in the organisation, i'm sure that part of its success story was contributed by high spirit, inspiritional, well-minded top manangement.. but, today, i proved myself that my assumption was merely an assumption and it saddened me!

after so many resources - manpower, money, time - being wasted, all they came out with is just change of section / department names and few movement here and there... functionally, 80% of us will still stuck with what we were supposed to!... am i mad? hell ya i am... stupidity can really kills you! when they can change for betterment, they decided to just change so that they can tell everybody we did change.. end result? kaput? na-da.. who give a heck! and why am i mad? again,  stupidity can really kills you!

obviously, to reach the developed mindset is waaaaaay beyond our capability. at least for now, that's how i can perceived.. tell me if i'm wrong!


Thursday, March 8, 2012

hey ladies

it's the international women's day and we should celebrate!i doubt that there's any men's day, is there? well, maybe the day was invented by women to women.. who give a heck.
do you know it's not easy being a woman?

when you were a baby, you were dolled up from head to toe while your little brother can only settled with just plain shirt and shorts. 
when you were in primary school, you were introduced to extra tuition classess, piano lessons, ballet and others while your other male siblings can just abandon their mandatory school homework and still no issues!
when you went to high school, you were supposed not to tell that senior that you liked him very much.. nope, girls don't do that. 
you went to university and still all alone because you can't confess your love to the guy you adore.. it's a no-no. 

then, you become a wife. you were supposed to be obidient to your hubby. and sometimes, your hubby forgotten that you are also a daughter and a sister. all he knew, i've got a wife!

you were a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a girlfriend, a wife.. and next a mother. there you goes. tell me if i'm wrong, but when it comes to nagging, that will always be a mom's job. end up, the kids favoured their dad more than mom. but, out of sudden, there's something got into their eyes, first thing they would shout "mom, help me!".. classic.. 

if i were to be a boy or a girl, which one will be my option? 

i will definitely won't change a thing. i'm fine, alhamdullilah..

girls, sometimes we give too little credit to what we've done. we deserves better. 

happy women's day..xoxoxo    

Monday, March 5, 2012

répondez s'il vous plaît

alhamdullillah, we've successfully gone thru the aqeqah's event for the two princess last saturday.. (o no, it's been a week, already?). the day went smoothly. the event itself was great. the tent, the food, the goodies, the tahfiz, the marhaban.. everything went beyond my expectation... it went great. even the girls were co-orperating well. the were so beautiful with that nice dress (and yes, the dress alone was RM250 each!). the dessert tables with the choc fountain were superb! the goodies, with lots of hard labour (even my uncles need to gets their hands dirty doing crafty thingy..)

anyway, things went well. and i just can't wait for the photos to be ready.

it's a 'small' event. supposedly. we decided to invite just close friends and relative. but then again, conscious of being a good hostess, my major concern would always be not enough food and goodies. we expected around 150 - 200pax. i've invited around fourty friends. somehow, my friends did not show up as many as yeen's. was i upset? i wasn't, particularly.. the food was sufficient for all guest, and not much went to waste. yeen's friends turned up better than mine.

and it made me wonder.. was all my friends were that bad that they said they just can't wait for the event and wanted to see my baby and said they would come, but turned out only seven families of all came? hold the thoughts! they never bother saying they would come or not. of course, a few of them have declined my invitation when i told them the date. but, there were too many that didn't even bother to respond to my invitation? does it really a requirement for me to put in my invitation r.s.v.p? i guess the turned out will be great if the event was to be done in that 5-star hotel restaurant. nope, i'm not mad. i totally understand - having the event on saturday night would definitely be quite a task, especially for those with kids. but on the other hand, people, why didn't you bother telling me when i invited you that you are not able to come? i won't ask for the details. of course i'll be a bit sad that you can't join and share our happiness during the event. i wanted you to join and that's why i invited you at the first place. i didn't simply invite everybody just because. i invited you because you are supposed to be my friend. frankly, as much as my mouth would say something like "takde hadiah ke?".. i really didn't mean it and i will be very very happy to see you makign the effort to come and i appreciate it. but, i really appreciate if you could tell me if you plan not to come. i'm sure you have your own valid reason not to come, and i'm ok.

but do i really deserve the anticipation anxiety to ensure my guests are all well served when i should not even bother the attendance at all?

why la people? susah sangat ke nak respond?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

and it's true

it's the day of the leap year. the irish believes that in this day in every four years, ladies are allowed to get down on bended knee and propose. it's totally acceptable to be out of norm for only this day, in every four years.

darn.. u really think we ladies will do that?

they said, men are losers for egos. their egos are so mountain high to the extend that the will keep on insisting telling the whole world that egg york is blue even when they know the right answer! on the other hand, we, women, allow men to stand by their egos. we give ways. we 'tolerate'. we just don't give a darn... why bother fighting over the colour of the egg york? we knew it's yellow, so what if he said it's blue?

my liltle cousin boy who is not so little anymore just updated his FB status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'... auuuwww... of course the whole world was shaken! and his mum is still in a denial stage. last weekend, this cousin of mine brought his gf to meet the aunties. nope - not the mum yet lah - but aunties and cousins. they went out double-date with another cousin of mine. this cousin of mine remind me of a boy i once knew.

a boy who would do anything for his love. a boy who spent all his allowance money to his love one. who boy who kept praising how grateful he was to found his soulmate. a boy who literally cut onions, minced the meat and cooked the rice just to serve home-cooked meal for his one and only. a boy who waited and waited and waited with a bouquet of red roses just to tell how much he missed the queen of his heart. a boy who called that girl his angel. a boy who dedicated this i promise you N Sync song (a-ha) to his sunshine.  

a boy, at that point of time,  having born with sky-scrapping ego, somehow was blinded by love, at least that what he thought at that point of time. they said love made you do silly things. and he proposed.

the girl, that queen of his heart, that soulmate, that one and only, that angel, that sunshine, was smitten, swept away with great feelings, head over feet about this boy. she can't imagine life without him. and she accepted.

suddenly, his vision become clearer. he once was blind, and now he sees. he once was fooled, and now he's wiser. at least, that what his out-of-this-world think.

and that girl, she just have to accept it. she said he'd changed! but to think again, he never did change!he just able to manage that ego well before this.

ke, ye ke?

Friday, February 10, 2012


i've drafted few postings - but still fail to publish em..
it's been the second month of the year, and i'm not sure if time flies or i've done so many things and too little time to really sit and reflect :)
work is waaaaayyy too much. but, that still didn't stop me of going off before 6. and frankly, my adrenaline boost definitely drop to its lowest if i were to talk about work.

aidan - he's been in 1 setia for a month by now! the first three days at school was traumatic - both for him and mama. as much as being such a independent boy as i thought, a boy is still a boy! i was worried sick on his schooling arrangment, and still am till today. but on his first day of school, i saw my boy and started to worried even more! he didn't fit in straight away with his mates. while others were busy making friends, playing chase, he just sit and watched. and mama was damn worried! i tried introducing him to his friend and let him be, but that didn't work out. then, we left him all alone .. he was having fun as he thought we were playing spy game.. so, he pretended he didn't see us, walked pass us and smiled and he looked fine. only to find out, the day after, when we wereee really spying on him and he couldn't see us, he cried in the middle of the canteen.. the other boys were running and passing by, ignoring him and he cried.. as much as my husband asked me to let him be, i ran straight away. i hugged him and i was teary. alalalalalalala... matter what, no matter how, when i saw him cried, it hurts the most! the image of him lost in the middle of nowhere, crying... this is aidan am talking about..not aimar, which crying is what he do to get whatever he wants la kan.. aidan, even when he was a toddler, he didn't cry as much. we went to toysrus and he saw toys he wanted, mama said no, he didn't cry. he saw the icecream and tempted to have a go and mama said no, he didn't cry. even he was in pain, he didn't cry! so, when i saw he cried, until today, i couldn't erase that moment! my instance thinking was he need to change the school. perhaps public school is not for him. that expensive private school might suited him better. and good friends of mine told me, i worried over nothing! as i'm writing this, aidan is doing fine, yup, he's school might not be the best, and if i can opt for a better school, i would. but i guess, it's not all about the school.. it's him growing up, and mama need to let him 'fly' once a while. despites his heavy load, and need to wait for my cousin to finish school then he can go back, i know he'll be doing fine. and me, keep on chasing time, waking up early to prepare his food, rushing over lunch to pick him up from school.. i'm doing at least a mother should be doing, so, as much as i am complaining about not having longer minutes sleeps, i'm ok. of course, school holiday is what i look forward for nowadays, so that i could have that extra half hour sleep :)

aimar - he had issues with the new teacher, mrs rajee. he was punished for making such a noise in class but all he was justifying to me "ala, i just have to stand on the floow - on the floor - not on the chair!"..boleh, camtu? i had enough of pinching, smacking and up to the extend using the clothes hanger and smacked him. so, one day, i decided to play reverse pschycology. i gave a him silent treatment, not talking to him, left him behind and let others took care of him.. and he cried, out loud, asking for forgiveness.. it was  a pity. he was crying, promising that he would behave bla bla.. but i had to be strong .. i spoke to him the day after, and i guess he learned his lesson, a bit, if not much! he's been doing good at school after the incident.. him being a baby, i need time to train him to grow up and grow out. 

aivey - she started to turn. she still having problem passing motion, but other than that, she's doing fine. o, she hates car! she'd cry whenever she's in the car and that is a big problem as we need to commute everyday.. good that i have my mum to accompany me so gramp can took care of her when she decided to throw tantrums!

o.. did i tell that aidan and aimar still ahve to wake up early on weekend for his 2-hours football session? yup! my weekend is filled too!

three kids are handsful!

so, don't blame me for not posting anything all this while..

so, what up with your life?