Wednesday, February 25, 2015


"mama nangis kenapa?"
i normally chose to answer all questions that were thrown to us from the kids. we promoted the boys to ask and ask and ask and ask. we wanted them to be intrigued all the times. we wanted them to understand better on every other things. we wanted them to talk to us and not to shut them off. and the least we wanted them to know the truth and facts of life so that they learn how to live their life. 

but when aimar asked me that question last night, i was muted. i was clueless in looking for the 'politically' right way to answer him that.
i can't tell him i cried because i just had to. 

he cried few weeks back, because he was mad when his classmate made fun of him by showing a caricature of a man with beard was him. i told him not to cry. 
"kalau aimar tak sakit, tak luka, aimar tak boleh cry. hero tak cry"
but i did asked him why he cried..and he's answer was cute "mama tak kasi aimar gaduh, so, aimar cry lah"....

right after that, aidan came with a sour face. after threatening him that i won't drive home if he won't tell what was the issue, he started crying. he cried because he was laughing at his classmate and his teacher thought him a 'sweet' lesson by asking him to do the task that his friend did and as it took the same difficulties like his friend did, his teacher told him that he shouldn't laugh at his mates at the first place. the strong abang in him brokedown and cried in front of mama. but then again, i told him "aidan knew it was wrong. takpelah, next time you'll remember and won't repeat it again. for now, nangis lah"
i had a myringotomy surgery in June last year. It's a simple procedures where the surgeon poke a hole in my ear and put a tube so that my middle ear won't get blocked as the air and fluid in the ears is building up, results from the radiotherapy. Last week, the plastic tube that was in the left year was loosen up and fell off. I had been uncomfortable since then. my hearing,which has been deteriorating from the treatment, is getting from good to so-so. my hubby tried making conversation, but i somehow misheard few words and repeating sentences to your wife over and over again is not something comforting. 

my supplement supplies were shorts for days. my dad managed to bought it yesterday and passed them to me this morning. but, lacks of supplements made my body from so-so to too-tired-to-even-to breath. but ladies, please envy me. my hubby let me sleep most of the times, and i do sleep like a baby. 

of course, i'm planning for another myringotomy and i've got my supplement for the month.

but yesterday, as i prayed, i felt like crying. 
i'm not giving up life.
i felt blessed.
i have always been blessed with good life, good people, good things.
one thing i was lacking before is to be thankful of all the blessings. 
nauzubillah, i do not want to go there again.. i do not want to be those who were not thankful. 
i've been given my life back. 
i could die.
i could gave up.
but i guess, it's okay for me to cry. 
i cried for how grateful i am with all the blessings and opportunities for betterment.
i cried for how tired and sick i felt, Allah gave me my caring loving husband and my concern families for me.
i cried for how sad i am and as i felt like i'm letting myself down, i knew kasih Allah is there, and all i have to do is 'ask'.
i cried for all the sins i did, and i hope the pain i felt washed it away, ameen.
aidan, aimar,
sometimes, we cry .. just because we had to. 

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