Tuesday, November 8, 2016

they grow, non-stop

let's see if i could try to keep this blog updated as often as i wish..

every single time, whenever i started to log in and click on this blog, and tried typing something, i would have that ambition somehow.

we'll see
and, well, i guess i would have known what the outcome would be.

and so, 
it's been a while since i keep updating about the children. 
it's year end..
they have all done their exams. 
haven't got any results yet. 

i still couldn't help myself from being a nazi mom during the exam weeks. an hour of one subject to another with 15 minutes break in between. i did empathized the boys. they must be very tired, but then again, they always seems to be clueless whenever we started new chapters or whatsoever. anyway, those phase were gone now that the exam was over. 
but, this time, i have a different mindset. i must ashamedly admit, for the past years, i was expecting excellent results, them being the highest of one and many subjects they could. i remembered picking up Aivey from her kindi and she told me, "Mama, today I did get scolded from the teacher. I was clever". I smiled and praised her. but she wasn't finished, "I was never clever girl. I was just a 'clever klogg' (her class's name) but today I was a clever girl. always Ayra was a clever girl, but today I was." my 5 years-old daughter was so cheerful but I felt like a pang on my cheek. what have I made Aivey into? She has always been the clever girl. She tucked me in my blanket when I was sick. she kissed and hugged me when I cried. She reminded my husband and I not to argue at all because married couple don't argue. O my.. and it was heartbreaking hearing what she have just said. and so, I settled! I wanted to raise them, to educate them, they way I should! to work as hard as they could, without pushing limits; to credits on their efforts and great results would just be a bonus. to keep telling them, they are smart and great kids. 

Aimar made me sad yesterday. he did something he shouldn't do, and I didn't scold him right away as his friends were all around. but I warned him that what he did was wrong and he cried before I punished him. he went to car and slammed the door. I wasn't mad. I was sad. very sad. I mummed and couldn't uttered any word though he was apologizing. Aimar is going to be 10 next year. He has always been the adik to Aidan and he hasn't 'grow up' that much in a sense. Yup, he is physically bigger as compared to Aidan, but he has been depending too much to Aidan and just don't bother about anything. When he got into trouble, he would cried, and we would scolded him. I wished he could change, or maybe we should, instead. but one thing for sure, I will never stop praying. he has always been the good son, and he will be fine. he will grow up and i know i will miss him. 

Just like I'm missing Aidan nowadays. I do. that sweet obedient cute litle budak pejabat. he is going to be 12 next year. he will be leaving for the boarding school and I know he is so looking forward for that. he did the aptitude test that i asked and one of the question was about boarding school. it asked if you were to go to boarding school, where would you want to be?
A. nearby the house
B. far far away
C. not going
and he picked B. I do not have to explain further. I truly don't have much to talk about Aidan, just as we don't talk as much neither. but, when he cried on the day of the cross country the school organized because he was winning and fell down and couldn't finish the game, he cried really hard on my shoulder. at that time, I knew, he will still come running, looking for mama, whenever he needed me and mama will always be there for you.

Okay, now cry. 
I could hardly write as emotional as I feel right now.  
I would be selfish if I were to ask them to stop growing. 
but I know how it exactly it feels... just like my mama is feeling now. 


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