Monday, August 7, 2017

reality bites

i have list of pending posts that i'm yet to complete and publish it in this blog, and i still am struggling.
somehow, not working is a work. i could hardly have time of my own, and whenever i could still an hour or two, i decided to just lie down and sleep....

and so, it's August 7th.. o, how time flies!

the boys are done with their sports day. i do have a story to share.

sports' day has always been the highlights to the boys. for past three years, they had done great and brought a medal back home. for a limited opportunity, having a medal was something big for the boys.

this year, it's a 'different' story.

aidan was the flag bearer for the Green House. he was great as a flag bearer. he wasn't qualified for the track-race 100m run as the Green House has enough candidates. This year, the upper primary was lumped in one group, and aimar, who is in year 4 got shorthlisted with all other five students, but not aidan. aidan was okay, but knowing him, i knew deep in his heart, he wished he was one of the chosen one.

during one of  the sports' practice, he told me he was chosen to lead the Khalifah oath, handpicked by the principal. I was proud of him. perhaps I was so proud of him and I couldn't hide my feeling. I told him upfront how proud I was.

on the day itself, as we rushed to make sure we got our best view to see aidan leading the oath, we were surprised that it was not his name that was being called by the teacher. from the audience, i saw aidan was looking at me in his ninja mask. i didn't see his whole face, but i'm his mother. from his eyes, though set afar, i knew he wanted to tell me 'i'm sorry and i'll tell you later'... a year 5 student were given the honour to lead the oath reciting ceremony.

when we had the opportunity, i went to aidan. he avoided the idea of telling me what went wrong. and so i asked what happened. "i thought i told you yesterday that ustaz change the doa and oat recitation to year 5 students" which then i realized that even Musilim who was supposed to read the doa, wasn't been called upon.

i didn't asked him further. i remembered the look we changed when he was at the field and i was at the stand earlier. that look of 'i'm sorry mama, i want to make you proud but i was such a loser'. i immediately consoled him by telling "maybe ustaz just realized you were the flag bearer and he didn't want to disturb that formation on the field" and so he said "maybe".

it's not the matter of who recite the oath.
i put blame on me.
i was so proud of him when he told me that.
it was actually just a school kids sports' day and anyone could recite the oath that they've been recited every day.
but the excitement i showed him, and the confusion on the bench on the day itself, i have made it worst for aidan.
he was not chosen to be on the track-field event.
he was not the leader who recite the oath.
he was just a student, one of them. and he didn't make mama proud of him.
at least, that's what his eyes was showing when we exchanged look that morning.
i just wished i could hug him and say how sorry i was to make him feel that way.
he shouldn't.
he made mama every proud every second, even for not doing anything special.
i need him to know that.

i told him, he was great with swinging and dancing with the flag.
i told him, it must have been a difficult task.

well, it may seems nothing.
he may have grow out of it.
he's twelve and he'll succeed more than what he did during the sports' day.

but i must keep reminding him, never to let any of my kids to feel the way aidan felt that morning.
he might have not say anything, and even if I asked, he might say he was okay.
being a mom who knew her son since the day he was in my tummy, i knew exactly how he felt.

aidan, please know, for whatever you do, i always pray for your success.
please know, you are a good boy, anak soleh yang baik. and for whatever you do, i know you'll do great.
please ignore what others might turn on you.
the least you've done is put the best effort in everything you do, and i know, itu anak mama, muhammad afieq aidan bin mohd ashraf.

mama macam emotional....
sedih gak bila anak mama sorang ni dah start besar dan dah jarang bercakap bercerita dengan mama.
you have always been there for me, sayang.

masa kat kemaman, when i was all alone sebab aboh kat offshore... i have only you. aidan lah mama bawak ke hulu ke hilir.

mak wang panggil aidan 'budak pejabat' sebab aidan hensem sokmo pepagi, rambut bersikat rapi, bedak comei bertapuk. and i will bring you to haipeng so that i could get my morning dose.

aidan anak baik. sekali sekala mama bawak aidan pergi kedai ten-ten, kat toys' dept, aidan will come and ask "boleh aidan buy something?" and you'll wait for my answer patiently. i would then decide either it's the day you can buy something or you would just browse. if i told you, "kita beli toy next time" you would obediently answer "ok mama, aidan go and look je ye"... and when it was time to go, you would just follow my instruction without any attempt to ask for anything. when there were tme you could buy something, you knew it that you could just pick one toy. what you would do is to look at something else, play with it, and when it was time to leave, you would pick something else. i asked him one "kenapa aidan tak amik gun yang aidan main tadi?' and your answer was "aidan can pick one and i want this ball, so i play with the gun tadi and i can play with the ball later". sometimes, you picked and expensive toy and when i told you it's too expensive, you just put it away and picked others. and sometimes, when you got to pick more than one toy, you would just looked at me, disbelieved!

not that i couldn't afford the toys. barang-barang tak berapa quality kat kedai ten-ten tu its way too cheap as compared to toys r us. but i just want you to learn to value money and opportunity.

alhamdullillah, you, adik2 always a winner when it comes to toys and stuff. tak pernah tantrums or anything. senang allah tolong mudahkan mama aboh dapat anak-anak baik.

but deep inside, mama really salut you, abang aidan. you were only three back then!

aidan, you are coming to twelve in four months time.
and you will always be my anak sulung.

mama love you sayang.

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