Of all the emotions I had today, I finally cried in my asar prayers for feeling me not being the best mother I could have been.
Hari ni, Aidan went to a backpacking trip at Sabak Bernam for 3D2N of his own, without us, but with his classmates and two doting teachers.
It's his first experience of many.
Looking at the photos being shared; I knew he would have fun..
Nope, am not worried. Am just touched... another sign of him learning to grow up, live life at his fullest, independently.
Hari ni, my hubby picked Aivey a little later than her usual pick-up time. She always was as chatty and complained whenever I was ten-minutes late picked her up. She would nagged "Mama, why did you come late? I was bored you know. All my friends went home already and I have no one to play with".. but not this time. She said to his dad that it's okay if he was late, he just need to try his best not to be late next time. How could she let her dad go just like that??? Ishk! Double standard lah, V!
Hari ni, I saw his face from the school glass door.
Cerita anak no 2.
We heard it. We heard it all...the middle child syndrom. Selalunya, citer middle child syndrom ni citer anak tengah yang rasa neglected sebab dia bukan yang first dan bukan yang last.
I am the eldest of three. Anak abah, saya ni.
Then, my brother is the 2nd. But, I doubt he had difficulty with feeling neglected being the only son, anak kesayangan mama.
Yeen pulak, our little sister.. though she might portray herself as being independent; she has always been anak manje mama abah.
As for my hubby... as much as he denies it, I still believe he is different because he is the 'middle' child. He is not really the middle child. He is the 3rd of 4th. Tapi, the first is a big brother, and the second is a big sister and then came him and his brother followed suit. So, more or less..dia anak tengah.... dan dia 'special'!
Aimar pun 'special'...
Growing up, he has always been the one who I would expected phone calls from the school and I would asked "Aimar buat apa teacher?" though Aidan might sometimes be the caused of the phone calls.
Aimar tak nakal. Never. He has always been a charmer.. dari kecik baby sampai lah ke besar. Cuma dia kurang focus banding dengan abang and adik. Kurang like, he would made himself occupied with lots of things in his brains and he could hardly listen to instructions or observed his environment. Sebab tu, selalu jugak mama punya kesabaran diuji dan diuji. But he has always been a good son. Kalau time dia dengar mama mintak tolong, he would be the first to offer his helps. Masa kat sekolah, ada parents yang WhatsApp mama, telling me to say thanks to Aimar for helping his friends at school. Ada sekali tu, when I dropped by the school, I saw him at the toilet. "Aimar dah habis pergi toilet ke?" "Taklah Ma, Aimar tolong Izz Haikal. Dia ada incident, terwee-wee kene seluar dia. Aimar tolong bagi seluar extra lost & found".... kalau anak lain, mungkin ada yang dah dibiarkan kawannya sebab time tu time nak pergi makan.
Bila belajar, dia tip top. Alhamdullillah. I always scolded him for not doing revisions and never brought back homeworks home. But usually, he had finished his work at school and revisions would take merely 15 mins and he could answers most questions correctly right after.
And he moves a lot. My hubby concluded he moves a lot because he has so many buzzing things playing in his mind. Perhaps!
But sometimes, his moves, kalau tak bagi cedera kat dia, will injured orang sekeliling..itu yang kekadang cepat je mama nak bunyi suara tinggi dari biasa.
Sports - sebab he moves a lot,he tends to have so much stamina and energy. Masa darjah 1,2,3..gold sprint memang Aimar pegang. Tahun ni, darjah 4, dia 'slow sikit'... We told him "Aimar dah gemuk" amd Aivey was the happiest person to hear that sebab all this while both abang suka ejek adik gemuk.
Last week was his birthday. He was having his exam on the birthday so we didn't celebrate or do anything yet ..still haven't till today. His teacher shared his exam paper. A picture I must share in this blog..
Tu dia.... Sebesar-besar alam dia nak buat announcement kat teacher that it was his birthday. Teacher Hazirah and Teacher Nadzirah did gave him a chocholate and a nice wafer-rolls and he couldn't be so proud bragging to his siblings "Teacher Aimar bagi hadiah besday".
Itu Aimar... the peak that you see... and there's so much we couldn't see underneath.
Aimar 'rajin' kene tegur ngan kami. He tend to do something before he thinks, that made us never stop wanting to correct him so that dia besar the way he should, the great khalifah.
And today, i broke down for him.
The school had a qualifying round for the Futsal Milo tournament to be held in November, and Aidan and him went for the qualifying last Saturday. The first picture I shared, the picture I took from the glass door, was me not knowing the news.. and him anticipating for the good news. He didn't make it. Aidan did, alhamdullillah, but not Aimar.
Aidan came right up to me while I was kept in the dark. Aimar went to his classroom, not to me, right away. That was the moment, as his mama, i failed him miserably.
I've been putting extra time with Aidan off late due to his UPSR exams, and also Aivey for she had to picked up her reading pace. But I was so laidback with Aimar. He always the one who don't require hardwork and got what he want. That was in my mind.
And he didn't get through the selection.
I just don't know how to react... even until now.
How I failed him? I guess I didn't pray hard enough for him. I believe in doa ibu takde hijab... but I overlooked... astghfirullahalazim... I was so confident Aimar would pull through and I was more worried if Aidan didn't make it as I won't have the motivational speech to give Aidan if he failed. I didn't prepare anything for Aimar's bad news.....
But Alhamdullillah, Allah gave me the opportunity to be there when he heard the news. Imagine if I received the news only when I picked him up from school later in the afternoon. He might have the worst day ever and mama wasn't there for him.
I hugged him... but I guess, at that time, it was me that need the hug the most. Dia anak baik.. always...Cuma mungkin mama yang terlepas pandang, ingat dia boleh buat dan handle semuanya, including heartbroken and rejections. and of course, mama was wrong.
And I guess, this is how my mama and every mother feels when their children are sad. rasa macam nak bagi satu dunia kat anak. rasa nak mintak maap sebab the best we could say 'that's how the world rotates and face it, it's life'. I guess, it's parts and parcels in life. but, to be a mama means you just don't want anything that hurt your anak, physically or emotionally.
I keep on mummed when my mama nagged about me tak makan ubat hari-hari. 'Ala ma, ubat tu, makan tak makan,, sakit tu Allah gak yang kasik dengan tak kasik'.... but at times i'm writing this, even I'm a mama myself, I know what my mama feels when I was sick, lying on my bed in the room, coughing, muntah-muntah, merengek merayu masa Ain sakit and treated masa chemo dulu was something no mama wants to go through! Itu sebab mama hari-hari pesan suruh makan ubat. I know, she would just want me not to fall sick, again...
Anak, kalau mama boleh tukar tempat korang so that you don't feel hurt or heartbroken or frustrated or anything sad and bad, mama nak sangat... no worries.. i won't charge! i just don't want to know i failed and you cried for i don't pray hard enough... please know, i do...
my love, untuk tiga-tiga anak mama tak beza tak kurang tak lebih.
doa mama, just be anak soleh solehah, and be the good imam and isteri solehah, be the best khalifah islam yang pegang pada agama... sebab itu lah jalan nak berjaya, dunia akhirat. insyaallah.